The Adventures of Mighty Mammaries
and Super Dick
By: Kirsten Jorgenson and Denise Daniels
Kirsten's Note #1: I was asked one day by my friend Nosipho
Beaufort if my breasts were my super power. I had said yes
and so Mighty Mammaries was born . . .
Kirsten's Note #2: My apologies to Ruben Bolling, the writer of
the "Tom the Dancing Bug" comic strip. I couldn't help but
"steal" some of his jokes.
Denise's Note: Actors please read through the script.
Characters
Mighty Mammaries
Super Dick
Butt Boy
Butt Girl
Announcer
Stinky
Winky
Kinky
Commercial Dude
Dude 1
Dude 2
Teacher Dude
Commercial Voice
Mr. Funk (must talk jive)
Scene One
The place: Super Dick's hide-out. Winky, Stinky, and Kinky
are stage right, moving slowly to center stage as Announcer (who is
stage left) speaks. Super Dick is center stage looking like a
super hero.
Announcer: Hey, there, fans! Art Winkle here. In today's episode
our heroine, the magnificent Mighty Mammaries will save the
earth from, you guessed it, Super Dick, her arch rival. Is it
any coincidence her initials spell "mm?" I think not! Here
she comes, fresh from a long battle with Super Dick's goons:
Stinky, Winky, and Kinky . . . (Stinky, Winky, and Kinky limp
across stage to Super Dick)
Stinky: Super Dick! She defeated us. We couldn't stop her!
Super Dick: (pacing) I will not tolerate failure! (he turns around
and accidentally knocks over Winky with his tool) Like I
said, if I want something done right, (he now turns and knocks
over Kinky the same way) I'll do it myself! (he knocks over
Stinky the same way; Stinky, Winky, and Kinky all groan,
actors leave the stage excluding Announcer)
Scene Two
Mighty Mammaries' lair. Mighty Mammaries is thinly disguised
as a buxom Carleton College student. Butt Boy and Butt Girl are
sitting with Mighty Mammaries, studying.
Butt Boy: What shall we do about Super Dick, ma'am?
Butt Girl: How are we going to defeat him with his super powerful
organ? We need a good plan or we won't win.
Mighty Mammaries: I know, I know. (she pulls out a map) Well, we
already know that he is planning on coming here -
Butt Boy: But, do we know when?
Butt Girl: Or from where exactly?
Mighty Mammaries: No, we don't. Butt Boy, you go over here to
Sayles. You look out for Super Dick or any of his evil
henchmen. Butt Girl, you go to the Hill of Three Oaks . . .
Announcer: And so, Mighty Mammaries started her plan . . .
Commercial
Commercial Dude, Dude 1, and Dude 2 come on stage.
Commercial Dude: Have you ever wondered what speakers of Dude-
onics are saying? Now you no longer have to wonder! For just
$29.95, you, too, can speak Dude-onics! You will get to
interact in scenes like this one:
Dude 1: Dude, man!
Commercial Dude: (translating for us) "Greetings, friend."
Dude 2: Dude!
Commercial Dude: "Greetings."
Dude 1: Duuude!
Commercial Dude: "Your goatee is growing in very well."
Dude 2: Dude.
Commercial Dude: "Thank you."
Dude 1: DU-uude?
Commercial Dude: "What do you think of the trend of regarding
Nietzsche as a dialectician?"
Dude 2: DuuuUDE!
Commercial Dude: "Wholly misguided. Nietzsche investigated forces
and their objects, but did not view one as a negative element
in the essence of the other."
Dude 1: Later, dude.
Commercial Dude: "I hope to speak to you again soon."
Dude 2: Dude.
Commercial Dude: "Cool." Remember that's $29.95 to learn to speak
Dude-onics in just five easy lessons! Call today! The
number is at the bottom of your screen. Operators are standing
by!
Scene Three
Announcer is stage left. Mighty Mammaries is seated at a
table, trying to concentrate on "work."
Butt Boy: (entering frantically from stage right, Butt Girl is
directly behind him) Mighty Mammaries! Mighty Mammaries!
Super Dick is charging towards this building!
Butt Girl: He's knocking over everyone in his path! (turns quickly
to right) Here he comes! (Super Dick, Stinky, Winky, and Kinky
enter, Winky advances toward our heroes and tries a kung-fu
kick, but everything is put in freeze-frame)
Announcer: Will the magnificent Mighty Mammaries escape from Super
Dick? Find out after the break! (none of the characters leave
the stage. They are all frozen.)
Commercial
Mr. Funk is seated at a table with a bowl of cereal.
Mr. Funk: I rock ruff 'n stuff with my Afro-puffs!
Commercial Voice: Afro-puffs. Tasty and groovy! Dig it today!
Scene Four
Everyone from scene three un-freezes . . . Winky tries to kick
Butt Boy, but Butt Boy turns and unleashes a fart so powerful that
it knocks Winky down.
Announcer: (doing the "Batman" noises) Oof!
It's now Stinky's turn. Butt Girl fights off the same way.
Announcer: Bam!
Kinky runs away screaming.
Super Dick: You'll never beat me, Mighty Mammaries! Soon, the
world will worship me, Super Dick. (he laughs maniacally,
advances, swings his hips, and knocks over Butt Boy with his
tool)
Announcer: Yawee!
Mighty Mammaries: Butt Girl, sick 'em! (Butt Girl advances, turns,
and lets out a fart that kills the first two rows of the
audience)
Announcer: Uf-da!
It doesn't kill Super Dick, but temporarily blinds him like
mace would.
Super Dick: AaaaHHHH!
Mighty Mammaries: This will teach you! (she un-hooks her bra,
unleashing her super-power, she spins like Wonder Woman and
knocks him over with her boobs)
Announcer: Ooohh!
Super Dick tries to get on him, but Butt Boy and Butt Girl run
towards him and sit on his face, unleashing such powerful farts
that it kills Super Dick and the rest of the audience.
Announcer: Zowee! Yes, friends! Mighty Mammaries wins again!
Please tune in next week when she fights against PMS Girl!
Commercial
Commercial Dude, Dude1, Dude 2, and Teacher Dude come on stage.
Commercial Dude is stage left. Dude 1 and Dude 2 are seated
as if in a classroom. Teacher Dude is in front of them.
Commercial Dude: Hi! You might remember me from the earlier
commercial telling you about how to learn Dude-onics in five,
easy lessons. Well, now with Dude-onics II, educators can
learn, too! Any educator will be able to communicate to his
or her students after two, yes, two easy lessons. Just watch
this:
Teacher Dude: Duu-udes!
Commercial Dude: "Good morning, class. I hope you all did the
homework assignment."
Teacher Dude: Duudes?
Commercial Dude: "Was Melville saying that through Ahab an
obsession is as evil as evil itself?"
Dude 1: Duuu-ude!
Commercial Dude: "Perhaps not. Ishmael's obsession for knowledge
is what saves him." Yes, even educators can reap the harvest
of knowing Dude-onics! Buy yours today! Only $29.95!