| Love - EF |
| Encore - April 24, 2002 I applaud you For dealing with me through nine months Of a relationship And countless others before I know I am not an easy person To live with But you have to believe that I do love you I'm just scared Like you Of a relationship with a woman that could Actually last I should know better That someone who doesn't love me Would never go through what you Have For me The hospital Especially You would not have visited daily If you didn't care You're not the only one who pined For your love During that weekend I counted down the minutes And seconds And your stay was never long enough You spent a whole Spring Break with me With no disasterous outcome I am very sorry So sorry For making you upset last night I really only was joking with you I know It wasn't even remotely funny Yet another time I have had my foot for desert I am going to talk to the doctor About getting off this medicine You are not the only one Who is annoyed with this I just don't show it as much I feel worthless Being unable to make large changes for you You make yours so easily I haven't the grace I need guidance And patience I know you've been giving me that for nine months But you have to admit I have changed a lot I don't cry as much, for instance And I know how to deal with your tears And I am never going to hit you again No matter how upset I get I just haven't passed all the tests yet But I am willing to try until you kick me to the curb Which will bruise my ass But Hey I can live I guess I am taking off a lot of time from work right now To write you this You are more important than requests I don't know if this came out all right I hope it has But if you've had enough of me I'll understand I don't doubt the love you have for me Especially not since your panic attack last night At the thought of me dying And the words from a broken heart this morning If there ever was love It is you who have it And I No matter how flawed Or misguided I'm afraid of losing you And yet I probably have So be it I deserve it The First Time - September 2, 2002 I can't forget how she held my hands while exploring the rest of me nor how she stopped the moment I asked with no hurt or impatience how we talked for eight hours and how she dove to kiss me only to apologize the next moment as if there were anything to be sorry for and how she brought me to new heights only to fall weeks later a disappearance no "goodbyes" only phone calls I made which later ended up being unreturned and leaving my boyfriend hoping that I could admit my feelings to her on the phone all I could say when we last spoke was that he and I were no more I never told her "it's because I want to be with you" and now three years later after seeing you listed in the phone book I have dreams almost nightly of poems upon poems and chance meetings one after the other sometimes you're taken by either a man or a woman and sometimes you admit to having felt the same and here I am in reality wondering if I'll ever know the truth |
| Emergency Room � July 13, 2002 You thought when I told the nurse I didn�t want to see you that I didn�t care about you you don�t believe I was afraid I couldn�t even read when I got there no more than two pages I thought you were still mad and I was afraid I was afraid of the people around me all of their staring and of seeing the person who loves me the most but when he came back with your note all I could do was hold it to me lay back and cry and one minute later my nurse came by and asked if I wanted to see you and I said yes but when she went out you were gone and you went to SAMHC and was told that I don�t care about you I don�t blame her for thinking that it must have seemed that way there is no adequate apology for what I did but any acceptance of it will be False Love (a.k.a. Women) - July 5, 2001 saying love expressing love doesn't mean you feel love or so I've found out one girlfriend in January tells my friend she doesn't love me but wants to be with her tells lies about me projections of truths for her to get said friend to hate and stop talking to me then lies some to her breaks up and only wants said friend back when she finds out we're friends again more lies (truths for her) girlfriend in March I tell everything to straight up and she's still surprised when I do what I said I would she's the complete polar opposite of the facade I fell for but I don't find this out till I visit her in a city where I know no one a woman with a mini machine gun on her side of the bed which makes her feel safe and keeps me sleepless girlfriend in May together 20 days loans her ex a car to use but charges me gas money in therapy off and on 15 years tells me many reason why we broke up and that she still cares about me granted she never did say she loved me but then disappears offers to have dinner then tells me week after week sorry, too busy who talks with me for hours one day and does a disappearing act the next week who asks if I still want the tickets for a dream concert of mine which we were both planning on going to together back when we broke up she said going would be too intimate but now it's due to time and money again more and more reasons perhaps all true but who knows no I don't want your tainted tickets I've seen the doctor about 5 times now this summer but you woudln't know that would you been too busy no message to say that only at the end of the long solitary silence like the women I met sure, a date would be great then no message saying you're unavailable after all I see nothing more than sex happening if I give more I'd lose more and have to wait for another to build me up and break me down another to inspire angst poetry another to cause eternal misery Freedom of Choice - March 17, 2003 Now after swearing off relations(hips) for six months my heart is torn between not even women but two men who appeal to different parts of me the one who's been in my life for several months who grew on me and the one who remains at a literal distance direct contact having happened twice It used to be that the former was on my mind all the time I could not get my fill of even daily interaction then after one weekend stay the latter is added to the mix completely taking over my focus pushing the other into fog I'm feeling loyal to the first because of knowing him longer wondering if this new one is exciting because of his newness or because he really is as great as he seems my friends tell me this new one is a better choice but since neither is vying for me I'm wasting my time worrying the choice will be made for me |
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