Kirsten and Josh - The Parody, Not to Be Confused With the Reality or the Entire
Soft-Core Porn Industry
By: Kirsten Jorgenson, Sean Megeath, Denise Daniels, and Ginsu Steve Jenkins
Characters:
Denise - right here in front of you, yet not forgotten
Sean - sleeps well with others
Ginsu - makes mouths happy
Kirsten - evil love-mongerer from a planet of untold giddiness
Josh - man of mystery
Kirsten's Mom - sadistic bitch
Random Person - we mean you no harm
Back Row of Chelsea Audience - we mean you much harm, but won't do anything
specific to you for the duration of the play
Scene One
Kirsten, Sean, denise, and the back row of the Chelsea audience are seated
for dinner. It is like every day of the term.
Kirsten: I miis my boy.
Everyone else: WE KNOW!
Scene Two
Same setup as last scene.
Kirsten (like a bouncy 5-year-old): Guess what? Guess what? Guess what?
Everyone (bored): What?
Kirsten: I get to see my BOY!
Sean (doesn't care): We don't care.
Denise (to Kirsten, with vague interest): Really?
Sean (punches Denise in shoulder): Don't encourage the giddy person.
Kirsten (bouncing more): Yeah! He FINALLY asked his dad if he can visit and his
dad said YES!!!!!!
Everyone (bored): That's nice.
Kirsten: Yeah! I get to hug him and squeeze him and hold him and and -
Everyone: YES, Kirsten.
Kirsten: I'm so happy.
Denise: We know.
Scene Three
The next day. Setup same as before. Kirsten looks very depressed.
Sean: Are you okay?
Kirsten: (shrugs)
Denise: Would you like a hug?
Kirsten: I guess.
Sean: So what's wrong?
Kirsten: Josh can't come after all.
Denise: Why not?
Kirsten: He says he has a bowling tournament that weekend.
Denise: WHAT?
Sean: (rolls eyes repeatedly)
Kirsten (showing some annoyance with the situation): Yeah, BOWLING! He chooses
BOWLING over ME!!!!!! I think I'm going to dump him.
Sean: Please do. Then you might shut up.
Scene Four
The next day and every day of Winter term. Set as before. Kirsten walks up to
the table with her tray, glowing. She sits down and sighs.
Kirsten (with excitement): Three hundred forty five hours!
Sean: Die, evil giddy person. Die!
Random person: What's she talking about?
Denise: She's counting down to her boyfriend's visit.
Sean (rolls eyes): And we still don't care.
Scene Five
It is Spring Break. Kirsten has started counting down the minutes. Ginsu is
hanging around with her and Denise in Kirsten's roo. This day is not unlike the
others.
Kirsten: Oh my God. He's going to be here.
Ginsu: Yes, Kirsten, we know.
Kirsten: Do you think 20 condoms is enough?
Denise: How old is he?
Kirsten: 17.
Ginsu: How long is he staying?
Kirsten: Six days.
Ginsu: No less than 30.
Denise: Sounds about right.
Scene Six
Kirten's Mom is visiting. First row of audience screas. Kirsten and Kirsten's
Mom are sitting at a restaurant table. Kirsten's Mom has just gotten back from a
visit to Madison, WI to see her son and mother.
Kirsten's Mom: Satan is displeased with you, my daughter. I told your brother
and my mother that you intend to have wild baboon sex with Josh. There are some
whips and chains in the car for you.
Kirsten: But what if I don't want any whips and chains?
Kirsten's Mom: How do you ever expect to keep a man if you don't treat him like
a slave?
Kirsten: Does that explain your relationship with Dad?
Kirsten's Mom: Insolent child! I shall get you drawn and quartered for that!
Random person: Smite her, Lord. Smite her!
And, lo, Satan smote Kirsten's Mom's bitch-ass down.
Random Person: No, not that one!
Sean, as Satan: Sorry. Hey, Kirsten.
Kirsten: (gives thumbs up)
Scene Seven
Josh has arrived. Kirsten is introducing him to everyone in the dining hall,
even those she needs to be introduced to. The last row of the Chelsea audience
is once again on stage.
Kirsten: Hello. Who are you?
Random Person: I am Random Person. I might be pleased to meet you if I weren't
a generic character.
Kirsten (doesn't get it because she is too excited) Oh, well, this is my boy
JOSH!
Josh: (nods)
Kirsten: Sean -
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's Josh. He's alive. Not for long.
Josh: (nods)
Scene Eight
Kirsten and Josh are alone in her room. The sign on the door reads "Maximum
Ocupancy of Orgy=2 yeah, we know it doesn't really count as an orgy, but damn
it." The song, "I Want to be Your Underwear" by Bryan Adams is playing on the
radio.
Josh: I want to be your underwear.
Kirsten: Well, you know, honey, you are what you eat.
Crowd cheers. And, thus, Kirsten and Josh made love, er, fucked for the first
time. Her whole floor regretted it.
Scene Nine
It is the airport. Kirsten and Josh are seated waiting for his plane. Kirsten
holds onto him for dear life.
Kirsten: I dont want you to go. How can I get laid if you're not here? How about
we do it one last time right here?
Josh: (shakes head)
Kirsten: Okay. But, I still don't want you to leave. Come back with me. No one
will ever know.
Josh (aside): Except for your neighbors. Plus, I have to go to school.
Sean (leaps out): He spoke!!!!!!
Kirsten: You're not in this scene.
Sean: I am Satan. The rules of physics don't apply to me. And, plus, he SPOKE!!!
. . . Oh, okay. (Sean leaves dejectedly)
Kirsten: You can go to school here.
Josh: No.
Kirsten: Please?
Josh: No.
The plane arrives.
Kirsten (drops to knees): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scene Last
Sean, Kirsten, denise, Ginsu, sitting in that order on the stage. Lunch-card-lady
Random Person) sits out of the way, lunch-card-ladying)
Denise: I can't believe he's gone. But more importantly, I can't believe I
didn't show up to write this parody. It's like you didn't even think about
giving me anything funny to say. (looks at Sean and Kirsten in accusation.
They're oblivious as Kirsten looks sad and Sean wistful)
Sean: I can't believe he's gone. He was only here a few days, yet it seems he
touched us, all of us, in a really unappealing way. It's like he took part of
us back with him as he left. Thank God.
(Ginsu starts to speak, but the lunch-card-lady (Random Person) attacks. Ginsu
is slain. Lunch-card-lady runs back to her post, laughing maniacally)
Denise (think Brad Pitt in Interview with a Vampire) Damn you, lunch-card-lady!
Our vengeance shall be swift and unmerciful. Your suffering shall be the stuff
of - (shift to friendly) Oh, hi. No there's room here (pushes Ginsu off chair)
Kirsten: I miss my boy.