Happiness

Disclaimers: Not mine, never were, probably never will be, never met them, don't know a thing about their true sexuality/preferences, don't want to offend/repulse anyone. What I do want is people to have fun while reading this.
Rated: R
Note: Thank You to Madame D. (the beta of that story).
This fic was written fot the ADM Lyric Wheel. Song I used was send to me by Danja. The lyrics (Happiness by Paul McDermott) are at the end.

Happiness
by Kirke

I'm observing him for months now, every day, looking, waiting, hoping sometimes, and still I find myself struck by his beauty. My little obsession had to start the first time I realized I want him, time and later events only deepening my fixation. After one of those watching sessions, after he left to his room, I tried to describe him in a song but failed miserably. It's an impossible task for a human, even for a musician, I bet for a poet even. Well, I'm not a poet, I wouldn't know.
Who the hell is he? Some kind of a fallen angel incarnated? I saw his parents, they are no models and isn't that against the nature? Two ordinary people could not create a person so perfect in every detail, I'm sure there is a law agaist that in heaven.
Yes, I know that what I'm thinking about is stupid and sappy but I guess I'm just a helpless romantic or rather he turned me into one. It's not my fault, Darren just has that ability to make a stone drool and I'm not made of stone, I'm a human of flesh and bone and have my eyes and heart.
He makes me want to howl for more, throw myself on him and have him once again at this very moment but I know better than to disturb his moment of happiness. He's always like that, after every time he dozes for few minutes so I could look at him and admire. He just doesn't realise what he is doing to me with those long eyelashes, those pouty lips you want to drink from and that little smile that curves on his lips. In moments like that he's more sad than savage, so stripped from all defences, so tragic and vulnerable. So mine.
I sigh silently. If it was just about this, just about phisical attraction and sex then I guess what we have here, now would be enough to make us both happy. Well, I know I'm not happy and as I watch him dress and leave after we had sex, it's not happiness I see in his eyes either. Those are moments I have to fight the urge to run to him, kiss and whisper all those silly words of love I can remember from hundrets of old romantic movies. It would be so easy to beg him to love me in return, to imagine that it would make him forget about the past and concentrate on the future.
It's not shame that stops me from doing it, no, I accepted the fact that he turns me into a love sick puppy with one glance a long time ago, it's the ever present fear that he would not believe me or worse- believe but didn't care. He was used so many times before, first by Daniel, then by the other 'lovers' he had, that I couldn't blame him if he thought of me as another liar.
This is so frustrating, having him and yet not having him at all, knowing that the only man you ever loved is oblivious about your feelings and more, thinks you are another heartless prick that wants nothing more than sweat on you ever so often.
If I could, I would go and personally rip Daniel's heart out of his chest and then, still beating, show it to Darren. It is all that bastard's fault, he made Darren fall in love with him, made him unhappy treating like a toy and then leaving him when Darren needed him the most. I should have seen this coming, we all should have seen and what is most important, Darren should have seen it himself but I really thought they could get over Daniel's insecurities. He was always so shy when showing his feelings to Darren, ashamed to hold his hand or kiss him only with us in the room and of course there was this instant fear that someone would find out about them and destroy their careers.
I will never forget the day that he finally decided that he wouldn't take any risks anymore and end it, Darren had been crying for hours, me and the rest of the band trying everything to cheer him up and not hang Daniel on the highest tree.
Darren had of course a few lovers since then, but they were even worse. Every one of them wanted nothing more than to use Darren, to mark him as theirs, to be able to say 'I slept with Hayes'. None of them ever asked is that what he wants, deciding that it's better to go for what they see. I can say from my own experience that watching Darren when you don't know him can be very deceiving. People often mistake his scenic image with the real Darren, that he acts and is nothing more than a slut and a number one diva that just begs for it, that hurting him is just giving him what he deserves. Well, I don't think like that, he deserves much more than being a victim of his own angelic beauty and his trust in others.
I want to scream my affection at the top of my lungs, hug and kiss him, convince him that I'm the one for him, not Daniel, not others, me. I want him to open up, tell me where it hurts, show me all his scars so I could kiss them one by one and make them dissapear, fix every damage made by them. I want to be the one responsible for his happiness.
I look down at him, a lump forming in my throat when I realise it's a matter of minutes before he opens his eyes and again disappears from my life. I can't let this happen again. Every time he leaves, it feels like a part of my soul is torn away from me. I know, I promised myself that I won't tell him a thing, not until he is ready but what if he never is ready? That my silence is a proof for him that he doesn't deserve someone to love? That he is and always will be a tragic, fallen angel, exiled from Heaven for sins I can't imagine?
"Darren." I call his name softly, bracing myself, still trying to figure out what the hell I am doing but as he turns around to look at me questioningly, I can just smile in response. Those eyes... I won't let them be sad any longer, even if I have to walk a mile through the broken glass, barefoot.
"I have something important to tell you." I whisper after few seconds of hesitation.
I don't care about Daniel anymore, the whole world can go and kiss its arse goodbye, I have everything I ever wanted here and I won't let it be destroyed. Not now, not ever.
end
Happiness
You're what happens when models marry,
You're the kind of angel they produce.
Pale creature more sad than savage,
Heaven knows you're fireproof.
In an apartment with a dirty mirror,
You can still kiss you face goodbye.
I want you,
I need you,
I want your skin upon my skin.
I want to,
Possess you,
I want to know where the hell you've been.
You're what happens when models marry,
You're the sort of victim they let loose.
Sitting on your own it's tragic,
That no one knows the awful truth.
Your scheming little junkie friends all tell you,
That sort of beauty is a crime.
I want you,
I need you,
I want you confused and unable to stop.
I want to,
Possess you,
I want to know what the hell you want.
I want you,
I need you,
I want your happiness and scars.
I want to,
Oppress you,
I want to know who the fuck you think you are.

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