Rated: NC-17
Disclaimer: We don't own any SG person that were used in that fic, nor we want to be disrespectful. It's just a fanfic. However we do own Johnny and we can assure You, that he is already locked in Kirke's dungeons, where Mr.Fluffy is taking a good care of him.
Thanks: Kisses and hugs to wonderful Cheeky for doing a beta.
Warning: That fic is not nice, happy or bright at all. It deals with some dramatic issues (abuse, angst, death), so if you don't consider yourselves really big angst lovers, please skip this one. It's serious, deadly serious.

Poison
by Wicked Witches

I�m sorry. I shouldn't have let him come to me tonight, but I thought it was going to be something different - lust, need but not *this*. I don't know why he feels like that but, for the first time in my life, I need to act like a man, take responsibility for my actions and do something about it, before it turns ugly. I really don't know if I love him "that way"...

Can what I'm feeling be called love anyway? He�s my friend, one of my best friends for that matter and I'd do anything to please him, whatever it was. I wouldn't even dream about claiming him as mine, I'd be his bitch and his servant, happy to grant his every wish. When the day came that he'd realise he didn't want me anymore, or found someone worthy of his love, I would go away. I thought he'd agree to that. I could barely quell my anticipation at the prospect of our liaison, I already had my plans formulated in my head, and all I needed was his compliance. He shattered those dreams with three simple words and an almost infinite amount of gestures. I tried to explain, to make him see, but he was so stubborn...

He's a smart person, so why did he decide that I was the one? Couldn't I have just been one of the many, as my status deserves. Has he lost his mind?

How long would it be before I ultimately destroyed him? It's not like I haven't travelled that road before. I was 17 when I met John. Funny at the time I still thought I was worthy of love, that I was somebody. It was wonderful to start off with, of course. John was my first and to me, he was almost a God. We were living together within three months of our meeting and we were truly happy. But that happiness didn't last. How could it when I was one half of the relationship? As I sucked the goodness from him, he went from being the carefree, gentle man I fell in love with, to someone I couldn't recognise anymore.

I couldn't blame him when he hit me for the first time. It was absolutely my fault. I was careless enough to correct him in front of his friends, I humiliated him and I had to pay. That was only a beginning of my blunder. With every day passing by, I was becoming more and more useless and clumsy, even if I tried my best. I could see that change in him, when he was unhappier with every moment we'd spend together. He tried to show me, to teach when I screwed up, but I wasn't a very adept student, making mistake after mistake, almost like I was doing it on purpose.

Even when it got to the stage where the only communication we ever had was when he'd come home drunk, fuck me and tell me how worthless I was, I knew it wasn't his fault. If I had just been better somehow, if I'd have had it in me to make him happy, to be able to make him want me without the aid of alcohol. Then maybe we could have worked it out. But I had nothing and the harder I tried, the bigger failure I became. I knew he was right when he finally gathered the strength to leave me. "You're poison, Lee. " He told me as he threw his clothes into a waiting holdall, his new lover waiting for him downstairs. "I wish to God I'd never met you. You're dragging me down no longer."

I don't want to be responsible for bringing *him* to that point. I don't want him to look at me with hate and disgust in his eyes. I don't want his heart bathed in my venom, as much as I'd love to wake in his arms every morning, to cook his favourite meals, to make love to him. Thinking like that is egotistical of me and I swore that, after John, I'd never place my needs first again. Hadn't I rejected my own pleasure and dignity when I sought Daniel out for the first time?

It wasn't just the way I fucked things up with John that had led me to this. I swore I'd never let anyone else be hurt by my dependency but then came Darren. I shouldn't have loved him. What the hell did I have to offer him? He had Dan, but I couldn't stop myself from entertaining those feelings. Every time we were in the same room, my heart skipped a beat. Every time he was near me, my temperature rose. How many times did I watch the two of them together on stage and wish that it were me that Darren stood beside and touched? How I wished those looks that promised so much were aimed in my direction. But they were always for *him*. Then Dan destroyed all of that with a casual drunken fumble and I rejoiced. Of course I cared that Darren was hurting, but Daniel was out of the picture.

I shouldn't have hoped, but I was so completely alone for such a long time that I started to. I know what price people pay for loving me but, of course, that little part of my brain that I thought was locked, reminded about itself, started to whisper lies that maybe I have a chance, that maybe there is a future for me, for *us*. What the hell was that? Darren Hayes and me? How would that look for the others? Darren, the most perfect of all God's creations, angel like voice, beautiful face, gentle hands, body like Michelangelo's David, and me, Lee Novak, a klutz, a screw up, a mere bassist, with a body I was ashamed to touch myself. How could I dream he wouldn't feel a repulsion seeing me naked? Even his name...Darren Hayes...it's so wonderful, it caresses your tongue and makes you want to moan it over and over again. How many people would put the words Lee Novak and lover in one sentence?

If I'd been anything other than pond slime I'd have been the friend Darren needed that night. Darren Stanley Hayes propping up a bar at 2am was not what you call normal. Deep down I knew he was mourning his relationship with Daniel, they'd only been parted a matter of days, but the way he smiled at me and slurred those drunken words "I love you Lee" had sent shivers down my spine. Yes I know he meant as a friend and I should have pushed all my feelings to the back burner and been the friend he needed but I *am* Lee Novak. When I helped him to his room, I should have realised when he pushed me against the door and locked my mouth in a drunken kiss, that he didn't really know what he was doing, that he was off his face but, my heart and my groin swelled.

I should have put a stop to it the moment he giggled and called me Daniel. A hint you moron! When a man you are kissing is moaning another person's name that usually means it isn't you he wants. But even if I realized in at that moment, that it wasn't me he was thinking about, I couldn't stop my fingers for reaching for his face and caressing it. To touch him, to feel him like that...wasn't that the thing I'd so desperately wanted from the very beginning? Even if it was a momentary illusion of togetherness, I made a decision in less than a second. I loved him with that sick, worthless love of mine; I wanted him and if, while being with him, he'd imagine that it was Dan, then fine, it's not that I deserved more. If Daniel was what Darren wanted then it was Daniel that Darren would get. This was all I had to offer.

I pushed him back gently so that his legs hit the bed and he fell back, his knees hanging over the side. I fumbled with the zipper of his pants, tiny electric shocks passing through my body wherever he touched as he ran his fingers through my hair. He was already half aroused. I knew that wasn't for me, but that didn't stop me taking him in my hand and stroking lightly, marvelling in the sounds this bought from the man before me. He gasped as I ran the tip of my tongue across the very end of his shaft and I heard myself moan then as I realised I was getting my first real taste of him, and nectar from the gods couldn't have been sweeter.

I needed to make him come; to see him like that and a realization that this was probably my only chance was overwhelming. I had to make this as good for him as possible. This was a one thing I was really good at - sex. John always praised me for this, after every time groaning what a great little fuck I was. I had absolutely nothing more to interest Darren in at the moment and never would, so I decided to give him the treatment of his life. As my lips closed over the head of his cock, I heard him moaning Daniel's name again but that strangely didn't bother me at all. I knew he deserved that little moment of happiness before the reality would consume him again and, if by coincidence, I could do something that brought pleasure to me, there was no harm. How foolish was I then to believe in that or maybe that was what I wanted to believe.

I tried to make it last, knowing I might never get the chance to be this intimate with a man I had loved almost from the moment we'd met, even if he was in no position to exercise control, he didn't really know where he was. In no time he reached his pinnacle and it was Daniel's name he cried over and over as he filled my mouth with his essence.

But that didn't matter then. I had done it, my beautiful Darren had just come and it was thanks to me. I remembered that the only other time I had been so excited, was the first time I had sex with John. I knew that this would never be repeated but at that moment it was ok, I believed I'd cherish the memory till my days were over, letting it warm me during the cold, lonely nights I was destined to spend. But one thing was still missing, I needed to do it and then I'd be surely the happiest man alive, I needed to kiss him. I stood up slowly and came around the bed, so I was now standing right at his left side. I leaned down, watching him, fascinated. I'd never seen him so close before and despite the abuse my mouth had just received, I had never touched his lips with my own with a gentle caress. He was so beautiful, just an inch more and I'd taste his mouth, I would pour over all my love into him. Just an inch...

...and then I heard it. He whispered it so quietly that if not the deadly silence of the room, I'd surely missed it. 'I love you' was all he said but at that moment it was enough to almost kill me, because it was the moment I�d realised that it was all a lie. I'm a thief. I'd stolen those words from Daniel, they didn't belong to me, never were, never would. I backed away quickly, a sick feeling washing all over my body. Not only a thief but a rapist as well. I had used Darren sexually when he couldn't refuse, when he was too drunk to say 'no' like he'd surely have done, if he knew who was with him.

I felt lower than a snake�s belly and I could probably have slithered under the doorway. Instead I ran from the room.

I found it almost impossible to face Darren the next morning, would he wake up and realise what I had taken from him? Would there be a scene? Would he tell the others what kind of man I was? I needn't have worried. He never said a word, not to me, but something had changed. Yes there�d been that tension between Darren and his former lover since he�d learned of the other�s infidelity, but now it was different. Darren wouldn't speak to Daniel, wouldn't meet his eyes. I knew it was my fault; I had pushed them further apart.

For the next few days I was so messed up inside, that it started to show. Not at the concerts of course, I couldn't allow anyone in the audience to notice that there was something wrong with it, too much depended on me. I loved and still love Savage Garden. Screwing it up was out of question. Besides how would Darren react if his beloved band had problems because of me? No, I was great at the concerts if, of course, anything I do could be called 'great'. It was the times I was out of the spotlight that were so hard. I couldn't sleep or eat, I was mentally exhausted, and every time I closed my eyes I could see Darren's face when he came, I could here his voice whispering words that weren't for me, I could feel the horrible pain in my chest where my 'heart' was.

I wasn't the only one hurting. The man I loved and the man he loved were tearing themselves apart. Darren became more and more withdrawn from the band. We barely saw him except for when we shared a stage. He lost weight, rapidly and despite the articles in the glossies rating over the new sleeker Mr Hayes, those who were near and dear to him knew it wasn't healthy. Daniel on the other hand, found his comfort at the bottom of a glass. The coolers in the dressing rooms always started the evening packed with beers and ended empty. He was always the last one to leave the hotel bar, not even Ben could keep up with him anymore and no amount of "Come on mate," or "It'll work itself out," would move him until he obliterated the pain. It was *my* fault!!! Yes I know Daniel had been foolish, heck he'd been a complete idiot to jeopardise what he had with that man, but it was me who had driven the final nail in the coffin and it was up to me to loosen the lid. But how? It came to me one night as I took my shift of keeping Daniel propped up and listening to his woes.

It hit me like a blast. I'd spent so much time trying to think how to fix that which seemed damaged beyond repair, without much success, when in that one moment, the answer came itself. I guess God decided to have mercy on me and help me out. We were sitting in his room, a room that he should have shared with Darren, when before he knew what was going on, I lay myself on the bed and whispered "I know who you want Daniel. I can be him for tonight�and any other night if you want me to. No commitments, no questions, just sex." I closed my eyes waiting for his reaction. I guess he could have done anything at that moment, from laughing, through crying and swearing to kicking me out of the room but he didn't. Minutes passed by and he did nothing, I guess he was considering my proposition, which I took as a good sign. When I felt the bed shifting under his weight and his hand on my hip I knew I had him, I knew I had a chance to correct my mistakes, even if that meant humiliations bigger than ever. But I deserved being treated the way I had treated Darren, if not worse.

And so the nights began. I can't remember how many times Daniel came to me after that, but it was often, perhaps three or four times a week. Always the same, never any words spoken, well not to me at least. Minimal eye contact and after, he would always leave, but not before he had thrown up. I *knew* why I was doing this. I had to keep the need between them alive. Perhaps if I had left well enough alone, time would pass and they would both move on but would they *ever* be truly happy again? Would Darren ever have his heart�s desire if Dan managed to put the past behind him? There was something else though. I couldn't admit it to myself at the time, it�s only now that I see what I truly am, that I can accept the fact that deep down I wanted to hurt Dan.

I�m a little rat, Ben always called me that. The nickname was meant in an affectionate way of course, but if he knew the truth behind those words, not only would he not have said what he had today, but also, he'd have kicked my ass, just as I deserved. Daniel and Ben are mates, best friends even in some ways. He was Daniel�s shoulder to cry on when the pressure became too much and Darren was no longer there for him. And here was I Lee *rat faced bastard* Novak, enjoying hearing Daniel's retching in the toilet, finding comfort in the fact that every time he fucked me, he'd suffer more.

There were times that my hate for him was so big, I could almost touch it. I hated him for hurting Darren; I hated him for being with Darren, for loving him. I hated that handsome face and beautiful smile that made girls melt. I hated him because he wasn't with Darren, that he made the object of my affection *available*, allowing my mind to create fluffy images of me telling Darren how I felt and then *us* together and happy. Most of all I hated him because he had something I knew would never be mine...Darren's love.

I want to believe in the good part of "Lee Novak", the one that was keeping alive his friend�s love. Every time I doused myself in Darren's cologne and bathed using the same toiletries, I repeated to myself that it was to keep Darren more alive to Daniel. I even grew my hair to make it easier for him to pretend in the dark, but that person died long ago. The Lee that was left used every trick in the book to keep Daniel realising what he�d lost, what he�d destroyed. The one he may never touch again. To keep hurting the man who would forever hold my love�s heart despite his actions.

I don't know if it was what I was doing to Dan or what I'd done to Darren that bought home the truths John had ingrained in me long ago. But each day I was more disgusted with myself than ever in the past. Ugly, disgusting, worthless runty slob that was always there, surfaced...not that I didn't know that he's there before, not that I didn't try to pretend that he's not there... now I finally *see* it...

Didn't, even at the concerts, I always try to hide in the shadow, so my sight wouldn't offend our fans? Yeah, I know what they say about me "What the hell is 'that' doing with people like them?" and I can't blame them. For that anyway, I sometimes asked myself that question and couldn't find any answer. There were times I wanted to simply go away but I couldn't do that to Darren. Finding a new bassist in the middle of a tour and not causing any rumours is very hard, just look what happened when Celeste came. Besides, Savage Garden became something I lived for and becoming a problem for it was the last thing I wanted.

But there�s no more Savage Garden. Daniel and Darren say that it's just 'a break' but we know the truth, those two can't stand each other any longer than a few minutes. They still grieve their relationship and if they don't learn how to deal with that, "Affirmation" might become the second and the last album of SG. Jesus, how much I would give to repair what I've broken...but I can't, I tried and I've failed, even if I was fooling myself that I was helping.

Yeah, I see it all so clearly now... all of it and it's not a pretty sight. I can't live like that any longer; I have no more strength or motivation. Savage Garden has ended; I caused Daniel all that suffering and of course, there is still Ben...

I still can't believe what I've done, that was so stupid, so thoughtless of me. Despite his carefree attitude Ben is and always was a very sensitive person, I had to really control myself when I was near him, not to show my real *me*. He�s like a radar when it comes to other people's feelings, always reading everyone like an open book. I love him so much, as a friend of course, and knew that he wanted me for a long time when I decided to grant his wish. When he told me that he'd come to Brisbane for a few days and that we need to talk, I knew what he meant by that, he wanted to convince me to have sex with him...or at least that�s what I'd been thinking.

How had I not seen that he was in love with me before?? When I look back, all the signs were there. It was always me he sought out when the shows were finished. I saw the way he smiled at me and the way his eyes seemed to linger for so long. I should have known by the way he would pull me aside and ask me if I needed to talk and the way he said that he would always be there if I ever needed someone. Of course I had never realised because of who I am. What reason would anyone have to feel anything other than contempt for me?

If I'd had the slightest idea, I wouldn't have let him come near me. I didn't want to be responsible for causing pain to anyone else, but as he cradled me in his arms whispering his devotion while making sweet, gentle love to me, I realised my mistake.

I should have put a stop to it, the moment I understood what was going on but, to be honest, I didn't want to. I was lonely for so long that when he started to kiss me and touch me, I got lost in the sensation of being someone again. I'm not surprised with myself, an egotistical sob to the end. I let him do everything that he wanted, not that much though and after it all finished, lying in his arms, I got a thought. If he wanted me, sexually, he could have me. I could be his in the bed and out of it but, of course, I would never ask for anything more, as I was not worth it. I tried to explain this to him, but he started to deny my words with such ferocity, I almost believed him...I guess it's true what they say about love being blind and deaf.

Oh, I know how wonderful it would be at the beginning. He'd tell me how much he loves me every day and I would melt in his embrace, but what next? How many days, weeks would pass before he started to realize what a horrible mistake he'd made? How many weeks before I'd start to destroy everything?

And what if others found out? Fans, friends, family? John developed the best way to prevent it, telling everyone that I was just a roommate, never going out with me anywhere or showing me any kind of affection in public, so no one could spot us. That hurt at the beginning, even if I really don't know *what* was supposed to hurt... I guess only my pride. I don't have that problem now; Ben wouldn't have to explain everything to me like John had to. I cringe involuntarily at the memory, phantom pain shooting through my body, even if I know that it was all a well-deserved punishment. Poor Johnny had to beat me so I would finally understand, that it was just for our own good... I know how much he hated it, how much he didn't want to have to but, of course, I couldn't *behave*, I had to *feel* what I shouldn�t, I had to *make* him. After that I learned to smile when any of his mates asked him if were we lovers and he would answer: "God, no! Are you kidding? Me and that...thing? I screw him, sure, why not? He's great for that." To prove his point he had sex with other people and let some of his friends have me but I knew that in his heart, he was with me at those moments...unfortunately.

I'm not prepared to put Ben through it; he's too dear to me. I can't go on hurting people any more. You were right John. I'm poison. I infected you long ago. I infected Darren that night. I've been infecting Daniel over and over. I'm not going to let it get Ben too. As I open my wrists, I feel a cold satisfaction as I watch the rivers of blood spill into the bath and it's no longer blood, it's strychnine, it's venom and I'm finally purging myself of it. Only in my last moments am I able to something *good*. Yes as the evil escapes my system I feel a new peace settling over me. What I'm doing is right. I'm freeing Darren; I'm releasing Daniel and most of all I'm protecting Ben. Was that the door opening?

Oh, God, I think it was! I can feel a chill running through me and I'm not sure if it's because of loss of blood, or the realization that someone is here. My legs can't support me for a second longer and I slowly slide to the carpet, the darkness that was my mate for so long finally claiming me, like it should have years ago. I don't want anyone to witness this, this is my catharsis, my freedom, and I want to be left alone, as I was my whole life, as it should be.

The shadows are coming for me, to get my soul and drag it to the deepest pits of hell, where I'm going to spend the rest of the eternity paying for my crimes and for the first time I'm starting to be afraid. God, why me, why was I made that way, why didn't you stop me from doing this? I know, I'm a coward, a demon hidden in mortal's shell but I beg you, if I could have one wish, just one last request...make my death worth something, like my life never was. Give a sense to my existence I couldn't have been born just to harm...if my life didn't have any sense, please, let at least my death have some.

"Oh My God," did I really just hear that?? And then it's as if someone has answered my prayers as I am swept up into an angel�s embrace as the shadows hiss a hasty retreat. "Oh God Lee, what have you done," More words float through to me as I am crushed against a strong chest as he fumbles for his mobile phone. Hmmm�do angels carry mobile phones? More words reach my ears, words like 'ambulance' and 'hurry' but I know it will be too late. What is that warmth splashing onto my face as the light dims? Why does this angel smell like Ben? Ben, the angel that comes for me has Ben's face and I know I'm saved, I'm not afraid anymore. "I love you," I think I whisper and then there is nothing.

***

Darren had been sobbing hysterically for over ten minutes, his body retching and convulsing. Every time Daniel thought he was stopping, he somehow found a new strength and started again. The guitarist held his ex-lover close, soothing him quietly but not calming him down in any way. Darren had to cry, throw it out from his soul or it would choke him. Daniel on the other hand didn't shed a tear, his eyes were dry but not because he didn't feel any sadness, he just didn't have anything to cry with anymore.

They didn't know for how long they were sitting like that, comforting each other and trying not to wail in despair. "Why, why, why?" Darren repeated over and over like a mantra, almost as if that word alone would help him understand. But he was far from enlightenment, maybe further now than when Daniel had shown up at his door, with the information that Lee was dead... that he killed himself a day before.

"I guess we're never going to know that Darren, " Daniel replied softly as he reached out a tentative hand to caress the singers cheek, wanting so much to offer some comfort, but so frightened of doing anything Darren didn't want. Darren leant his head to the side and nuzzled his cheek against the large palm. Their eyes locked, tear stained and swollen. Neither really knew who leaned in first, but their lips brushed gently, once, twice before locking into something more needy.

"Why," It was Daniel's turn to question now, as they finally parted, the urgent need for each other somewhat hushed.

"I-I don�t know," Darren confessed as he allowed himself to be pulled into a tight embrace, "perhaps I just realised how little time we truly have."

"Why like that?" Daniel nearly choked those words out "Why couldn't we find each other earlier? Why did Lee have to die before we could see what bloody fools we were?"

Darren was silent for the few seconds, again trying to find the answer that simply wasn't there. "I don't know." he repeated the only thing that he could say at the moment "Maybe it's better that way, maybe we don't want to know."

The moment the last sentence left Darren's mouth; Daniel practically crushed older man's body in his arms and let go a keening sound. Darren held him close understanding his pain but knowing that he told the truth. Sometimes it was better not to know.

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