SEPTEMBER 2002
September 2002
September 21, 2002:
I know, I know. About damn time, right? I'm sorry I abandoned my site and left my vultures for dead, but my life has been completely insane for so long that I nearly lost all will to bother myself anymore. Just be glad I decided to pick up the torch again. I'm going to be talking about the same things over and over again until I can catch you up, so please bear with me. Summer turned out to be the most boring two and a half months of this entire past year, so I don't need to bore you with the details. Moving on to college life, I have almost nothing but good to say about my experiences here at Kutztown University. Almost everyone I meet is basically friendly and just wants to make new friends like I do. When I catch someone's eye walking to class I can almost guarantee I'll get a smile in return. My two roommates are nice people, and we're getting along like a happy family, buying groceries, decorating, rubbing off on each other already (why do I suddenly feel alive when Alex blares her techno?). Sure, classes are tough sometimes, and I never read so much in my life, and I get overwhelmed sometimes, but I couldn't be much happier that I chose to live on campus. I even met this sweet guy, Brian Fitzharris, and I'd consider us "friends with benefits" right now. I mean, I kinda like him, and I kissed him yesterday, but it's not like he's my latest boyfriend, you know? Neither of us has mentioned anything about being an item. We live in the same hall on the same floor, though, so I'll probably see him a lot, and I'm happy about that situation. I guess we'll see what happens there. Who knows? Maybe we'll start dating or something. I think I'd like that.:) Seriously, I need this right now. I was honestly and seriously starting to believe I was completely unkissable! So I feel a little bit better about myself now. Besides, I didn't mention that Brian's an awesome kisser, anyway-hehe!;) I wish he'd come visit me or something because I'm so bored tonight it's not a joke, you know? He hasn't seen "Gone In Sixty Seconds," so I'm going to have to make him watch it with me one of these nights, too. My roommates are gone for now. Alex went home for the weekend to buy a small carpet to replace the annoying, fuzzy one we already have (she called today and told me it's blue-purple) and some white curtains we can tie-dye turquoise and fushia-haha! She's awesome! Abby's at marching band-some stupid trip or something, I guess, until midnight. I finally have my own computer, and talking to my friends and my brother gets me through now. I'm beginning to think I might survive the first semester, and so far my roommates and I have decided to stay together all year, so I might survive the second semester, too, but I don't want to jump the gun here. A lot has been going on, so I'll have to update you as I go, filling in people I met, the layout of the campus, my classes, etc., but you'll understand in no time and feel just as at home here as I do.
September 22, 2002:
...And the itinerary has changed. Let's just review, shall we? So Thursday, I hang out with Brian and Amber, watch "Black Hawk Down," Amber leaves, like, near the beginning or so, and Brian's all I can move up and sit next to him, puts his arm around me, etc. He gives me a big hug before I leave at, like, 1am or so, and I get the feeling he's going to kiss me or something, but I'm a little hesitant, so I don't let anything happen. Friday he stops by the room in the morning to go to breakfast, but I'm still sleeping and get the message later from Abby that Brian stopped by to go to breakfast. We hook up later to watch "Office Space," and he has his arm around me again. It's Friday, I'm hella mad tired, so I close my eyes and could probably fall asleep eventually. But I open my eyes, and Brian's staring at me. One of those "moments," right? So I kiss him, being a little bold for once, he kisses me back, little make out session or whatever, not a big, huge, monster of a deal or anything. Just kissing, you know? Right. What a lazy day Friday is, so whatever, I hang out the afternoon in Brian's room and leave at, like, 6:30pm-ish to meet up with Abby to go to the swing dance on campus. She's nowhere to be found, and the swing dance is another story for another day altogether, anyway, so I'll move on. I come home, like, an hour later because the dance is a complete bust, and I decide to hang out at Dante's unbirthday party "Alice In Wonderland" style. Dante is the guys' CA on the third floor, by the way. Brian's there, I hang out and talk to the awesome people who actually come to stupid little fun activities like that, have a good time. Party's over, people clean up and leave. Brian stops by the room to ask if any of us want to watch "The Fast And The Furious" in the basement. Of course! I watch the movie, Brian falls asleep and decides to play a trick on those of us who try to wake him up. No reaction no matter what, even when Jen pulls the chair out from under his foot, and I think something like that could hurt a great deal. We finally notice he's smiling, the joke's on us, what a funny guy. Moving right along, Saturday. His away message is up and says to call or whatever because he's just hanging out in the room. So I call (live a little, right?), and he's like, "Well, I'm going to take a shower, but I'll stop by afterward, and we'll go to lunch or something." Fine. We hook up for lunch, and neither of us feels like watching the Kutztown football game, especially since (1)it's already quite a while underway, and (2)there's a Penn State game on TV (Brian's idea, of course, because I'm not really all about football, but I'll watch it and can understand it). I just hang out in his room, watch the game, another football game (Florida v. someone else), a baseball game (New York v. someone else), just flipping channels. Nothing happened Saturday as far as kissing goes, not even sitting with Brian because he's online talking to people, etc., and I'm bored, when Brian says he has a paper rough draft to write for an English class or something. I'm like, "Yeah, I should get some work done, too, and I have laundry to do, anyway." So I leave, and I haven't really talked to him since. Right, make that he hasn't really talked to me since. I mean, last night I send him an instant message like, "Hi, how's the paper comin'?" No answer. Courtney tells me to say something cute like, "Peek-a-boo, Brian, are you there?" like she does with one of her friends. No answer. I guess I can take a hint, and I leave him alone. He's just online all day, every day (like me all the time now because away messages are just that damn cool). I have a theory that college students never actually turn off their computers. So I send him a message again like, "Hi, how's it goin'?" He's like, "Hey" and slaps an away on me! What's THAT, Dude? Well, it's official that Brian hates me, is ignoring me, and is definitely avoiding me. Does that sting or what? I feel like an idiot for kissing him at all, too. But nothing is ever a mistake. No mistakes, only learning experiences. I feel like I need a hug, you know, but I'm not, like, depressed as all Hell or anything like that. It's just that I haven't been kissed since the end of February (reflect on February 2002's Doug from Virginia), and I guess I got a little carried away by my emotions of happiness and "FINALLY!" or something like that. Courtney helped out a lot, and I confided in my roommate, Abby, for probably the first time I really needed to. James is, well, James, and he has his own way of pissing me off so much that I forget my original problem. And writing helps me a ton more than anyone else could ever possibly realize. I can completely sort out my thoughts when I write. I can justify, excuse, resolve, relax, and especially reflect on my life. Making any sense? I decided to leave Brian alone, and unless he's planning on talking to me first, there probably won't be words, even though I still like reading his away message every once in a while. But I check everyone's away messages when I'm online. I should recover relatively quickly, and I'll be back to my normal self in no time. Besides, I'm hoping a certain sailor will be calling me very soon to brighten up my life again and repair my mildly sprained spirit.;) So here's to hoping and the dawn of a new day!
September 23, 2002:
Ah, yes, another day come and almost gone. So much for "the dawn of a new day," however, considering I tried to buck up today but didn't get hardly one smile back from anyone I smiled at. I guess everyone had a lousy weekend. Do I smell or something or what, People? C'mon! Geez...Try a little sympathy for each other. Everyone would be better off, don't you think? I did see Brian today a couple of times. I now know he passes the day care/preschool on campus where I observe going home after his 1pm class on any given Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I guess. I'm not sure which days he has whatever class that is. Well, at least Monday and Friday, right? I also saw him just in the hall on my floor talking to Amber. I'm thinking about transferring schools because it's just a little, well, I guess embarrassing is the best word to describe the feeling. Not for real, of course, but I'm back to square one. Staying in the room and reading, doing work for class, and chatting online. I mean, I haven't talked to him since he hit me with the away yesterday. Very harsh, Man. I just don't understand why I'm acting so stupid about this because it's not like he's my best friend, or even my good friend, and it's not like I fell in love with him or something only to not get love back, you know? I just know him through Alex, and I actually thought he was all about her to begin with. How incredibly soft and sensitive can a girl be, huh? What's THAT about? I need to toughen it up here at Kutztown University. Get some hard-as-nails attitude under my belt or something, Man, because I'll never make it if I keep this up. But do you know how hard it is for me to let my brain dominate my heart? I'm just going to have to work on it like studying for psychology. I'm supposed to be going to dinner with Abby tonight, but she's usually always late, so we'll see whether or not I end up eating alone. If that's the case, though, I should really go for Bag It and bring it back to the room. Yeah. I have a ton to do tonight. Don't I always? But I am doing well so far. An "A" on my first geography map quiz, an "A" on my first special education paper, an "A" on my first early childhood quiz, and a "B" on my first psychology exam. Not too shabby. Anyway, like I said, I have homework to do, so I should hit the books...
...Well, it's a little later, and I'm watching an old time movie starring Marilyn Monroe! Funniest old movie I've ever seen! Anyway, I should catch you guys up on the situation with Brian. I decided to leave him alone, you know, to ignore him more or less and save myself the bother, remember? A big breakthrough after he pulled the away card yesterday. So I see him twice today, like I said, and I waved or whatever, but I haven't actually spoken to him. Out of nowhere earlier today, he sends me an instant message. Like, "Hey." I freeze for a heartbeat and answer him, "Hey." Will he continue? "What are you up to?" So I tell him and get a couple of one word replies, like, "Yeah" and "Cool." I'll stick my neck out a little. I ask, "What are you up to?" Slow moving at first but I find out he got cut from the baseball team! I truly felt a little sympathy for him. He's talking to me about checking out other colleges to transfer to, etc., and I'm like, there's always next year. But he really wants to play this year. I mean, I know he's all about baseball, but is baseball everything? Apparently so to Brian Fitzharris. And now I, who experienced a lousy weekend being depressed over what, find myself asking, "Are you hungry?" because me and Abby are just on our way out to go to dinner! I'm such a push-over! But he already ate and, "Maybe tomorrow night" or something like that. So I say, "Okay" and tell him we're leaving, and he says, "Bye." I echo his, "Bye." And he's like, "Bye" again. Please forgive me for the play-by-play, by the way. Abby and I eat dinner with Dante, and we come home. Johnathan called me! I'm so happy now! Brian stops by when Alex comes home, and he waves from outside the door, gets back to his room and sends me a message to tell me he could hear me all the way down the hall. Now I doubt that, so I'm like, "You can not!" back to him. Followed by, "Am I that loud?" Away message. About five, ten minutes later..."Yeppers." And cut. Well, at least he answered me at all, right? Flash forward to around 9pm. "Hey" again from Brian. "Hey, what are you up to?" He answers me, and I don't respond. "Just took a shower." What to say to that? Nothing, I guess. Takes him a while, but he says, "You?" and listens to me talk about the Marilyn Monroe movie I'm watching with the roommates. "Nice." I tell him the basic plot and get "Cool." Then nothing for a while and an away message. Well, what else is there to do when neither of you talks? In summary, I guess everything's going well for now. Brian's at least talking to me, which is exactly all I wanted practically all weekend. Figure that one out for me. POP called me! Courtney's feeling at least slightly better. For real this time, here's to the dawn of a new day!
September 30, 2002:
Nothing much going on in my life tonight. I'm thinking about changing my major from elementary education to secondary education/English especially. I guess senior year of high school with Mrs. Turoscy's AP English and Mrs. Evans's creative writing really got to me. I just don't see myself as happy teaching the alphabet to kindergarteners, you know? I found myself today longing for creative writing and an in-depth class discussion. Elementary students can't participate in the fulfilling class discussion I'm looking for. I'm kinda scared about saying anything to my family, but I know they want what I want to make me happy. I'll talk to Mrs. Evans and my friends and family and keep thinking about it. If I decide to switch, though, I'll do it second semester, and I won't get behind. I got kicked off of AIM, and I can't get back online, so I left everyone hanging, and I feel bad about it. I'm sorry, Everyone! It's not my fault! This week's going to be hectic. A map quiz Thursday, a psychology exam Friday, a test in special education Monday, and a 5-7 minute speech and a geography assignment/project both due Tuesday. Plus, I'm crashing West Chester's homecoming against Kutztown University this weekend. I'm a busy girl! I should actually probably let myself go and get down to some serious schoolwork. Wish me luck, and try to send me some encouragement to get me through next Tuesday! Love you guys!
