OCTOBER 2003
October 2003
October 3, 2003:
So here I am in Phila. visiting James for the weekend. He has a great apartment, and we have a lot of fun planned for the few days I'm going to be here. Tomorrow's murder mystery dinner theatre, we'll visit South Street, and there's also this comedy club, so that'll be fun, and today we went out for dinner @ Olive Garden, and we're just chillin' and watching a movie or two. I sent an IM to Phil just to say "hi" and tell him good night and that I'll see him on Sunday. And I got to talk to Court and Kelly, and Brian's online now, so it's pretty cool. I so need this laptop, like, right now! I can't believe I'll be 20 in 4 days, BTW, and I'm really excited that I won't be a teenager anymore. That's pretty damn cool. Anyway, we're watching View From The Top, so I'll get going, and I'm sure I'll write again when I get back to KU. If I have any time, of course. So we'll see, I guess. I miss you, Baby!
October 7, 2003:
So today's my birthday again. Who knew? Yeah, I'm 20 years old. There are 20 years of life behind me. I'm into the double digits w/a "2" out front now. And I haven't accomplished a damn thing yet. I wonder if I'll be saying the same exact thing in 20 more years. And I'll be 40 in 2023. How freakin' cool is that year? It's like something from a sci. fi. movie or something. Anyway, today' my birthday, and I'm determined to not let anything bother me or get on my nerves or upset me today, and all's going according to plan so far. This morning I woke up early, around 6:30am or so, did the laundry deal [because I knew I'd need my afternoon free and clear today because Mom and Chris are planning something, and I want to know what!!!!], showered and got all pretty [because I'm going out w/Phil later!!!!], got a tiny, insignificant bit of work done, and I went to Brit. lit. II until 10:50am. I went to Prof. Shepherd's [Spanish prof.] office hours @ 11am to ask her about what I can do to bring up my grade, and I asked about tutoring, and she told me that I'd have to go to Beekey, so I'll do that tomorrow, I think, when I'm up that way again, and I also have to stop by DeFran or the library to get the audio cassette[s] for Chapter 10 in Spanish because I was supposed to be doing the lab manual shit on my own, which I didn't know because I don't believe she ever said such a thing. The syllabus says to buy a blank cassette tape, 180 mins., to record lab sessions, which I assumed would be in class, but no. Lab sessions are just me listening to the cassette[s] on my own and doing the manual, so that's nice to know now that Chapter 10 is past due. Well, she's not getting that shit until next week. Maybe the workbook stuff on Thurs., but she's not getting anything before that, so it's tough luck. The shit's only worth 5% of my grade for all of that work, anyway, so why should I get all excited about it and freak out that it's past due, anyway? Exactly. So she answered those questions in class today. I mean, I've thought of a couple more now that I've been thinking about it, but I already called e-mailed her to let her know that she answered my questions, and I won't be coming back @ 3pm for her other office hours [she had a meeting this morning and had to run but told me to come back]. So I'll talk to her on Thurs. or something because I don't care enough about this shit to run around and be stressed on my damn birthday about it. The end. So that was this morning, and I had Spanish @ noon, and that was that, and I apparently missed a lot on Thurs. when I was out because I figured then that I was going to drop the class and had decided not to go on Thurs. But I'm going to stick w/it a bit longer and see what happens w/that grade. If I can bring it up, then I'll keep the grade/class and not drop it closer to the end. And creative writing was cancelled!!!!! So happy birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D That's a nice treat for today, and I didn't do my work, anyway, so I have until Thurs. now. Nice. And now I'm not going to Shepherd's office hours, so my afternoon is clear now, and I'm washing my bed stuff, sheets, etc. Good times, and I think they're actually done in the washer, so I'm going to go dry them after I finish this entry, I believe. So I guess I'll wrap this up w/the rest of the day. I know I have Hall Council tonight @ 9:30pm, and I'm also going out w/Phil, but I don't know when. We'll probably go eat something. Good times there, too. Phil's great. :-D And Mom and Chris have that surprise "thing" [for lack of a better word], so I don't know what's w/that. But I guess I'm going now to do laundry and work so that I can stop stressing myself out all the time. Okay, bye.
October 8, 2003:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CRISTIE!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D I had a great birthday yesterday, too. I was productive and got laundry taken care of, and I even washed my bed stuff, so that's pretty impressive, I think. Mom came to KU w/cupcakes and a balloon, and Chris found me later. It was like elem. school when your mommy would make cupcakes, etc., for the entire class and stuff. *LOL* Good stuff. I went around Lehigh and gave ppl cupcakes for my birthday. And I actually do feel slightly different. Maybe older. Definitely more reflective, etc., because I've been thinking about my life for the past week maybe. It's crazy, but it's good to reflect on yourself sometimes. Just can't obsess over it and ponder what you could've done better because it's over now, and the past can't be changed by the present. So I'm good now, and I don't think I'm as depressed, and no matter what I know that I won't become a hobo, hahahahahahaha!! Good reassurance. I didn't get to see Mom yesterday because she just dropped off the stuff @ the desk for Chris. But she's coming out on Sunday, so I'll see her this weekend, and Dad and Kelly are visiting me today later. That's exciting!!!!! I can't wait, and Kelly gets to see my dorm room, so that's cool. Man, my back is killing me lately. Just the past few days, but it's stiff as a mofo. Stress? Probably and most likely. *LOL* But today's an easy day, and the long weekend's coming up, so WOO-HOO!!!!!! And I had a great birthday. I woke up early and enjoyed the entire day and didn't go to bed until after midnight, so it was all good for me. I had class and everything, but CW got cancelled, so that was nice, and I didn't have to go to Shepherd's office hours @ 3pm, so I had the entire afternoon free. Phil took me out to this nice Italian place for dinner, and that was really, really nice. I had a good time, and it was good to get out of K-town and just drive somewhere else. And I got to chill w/Phil pretty much for the rest of the night. I had Hall Council, but that's not enough to ruin a day because it's not that bad. It's boring as Hell, and no one knows how to properly run the meeting, etc., but it doesn't last that long, and I'm fine w/going, and I accepted the position, so it's my own doing, and I can deal w/it. Chris always goes, and Stevie's on the executive board, so it's cool that I have ppl there to make faces @ when I get too distracted, etc., LOL. And Phil had to study for a couple of exams he has today, and I wanted to let him study, but I also wanted to chill w/him, even though the academics are more important. I mean, I can chill w/Phil anytime I want pretty much, but these exams are today, and I want him to do well. So I was being a distraction, hahahaha......but I know he'll be just fine and do well, and he'll be much better by the end of the day today, and we can chill tonight and watch Third Watch or something, you know? :-D It's all good. It was nice, though, and I'm glad to be another year older because I've lived this long, and I'm still moving on, and that's always a good thing. So I'm going to relax a bit before geometry, and I have a quiz today, so I want to review/study a little bit because it shouldn't be too difficult, and I'll catch y'all later and chat some more. So have a great day, and Cristie, enjoy your birthday!!!!
October 15, 2003:
So it's been three years that I've had this site set up and Thinking Aloud running. I can't believe time flies by so fast! Three years! And not much has become of it in three years...I'll have to work on it as much as I can, but I probably won't get around to anything major until summer when I don't have classes for an extended period of time. I have no idea where I'm going to work this coming summer. Now that I quit The Depot.......so I guess that's something else I have to think about. Just one more thing on my mind as if school stress isn't enough w/balancing trying to have a social life and a relationship....there's a lot to think about anymore. And now that I'm 20 I feel like I'm supposed to know what I'm doing. I honestly do feel different. You know how your family always asks you if you feel older? Well, I do this time. I don't really know what to do w/myself now, and it's the weirdest feeling because I'm probably supposed to know everything by now, but I honestly don't have a clue. I'm doubting everything in my life again. Teaching, why I'm in college, if I should change my major [but what would I change it to], and I don't know if I belong here or what I'm doing w/my life. I'm over HS, and I realize now that it didn't mean much. I didn't learn much in HS. Here I am in college to learn everything over again and a little bit more, but this isn't practical stuff that I'll have to apply throughout the rest of my life. For example, medical school. If you're going to be a doctor, then you go to medical school, and you're going to learn everything you're actually going to use in the future when you finally become a doctor. I'm not going to use this geometry bullshit when I'm a HS English teacher. Maybe I wouldn't mind being a college prof. I'm thinking about it now..........so I don't know. I just don't know much anymore, and I'm scared to death. What if college ends up being insignificant, too? I mean, HS was. What if college is? I can't see myself not being in school....learning. I can't see myself teaching. I don't know what's going through my head anymore. Maybe this isn't me. Wow, I just got a phone call from the Keystone, the newspaper, and she asked me to write on arts and entertainment. Kinda cool, I guess. I'm going to Broadway Magic next week and writing about it for the paper. I hope I don't suck. Never had experience w/the paper before. Not even in HS. I've been doing the whole soulsearching thing my entire life....I'm so tired of analyzing everything and thinking about how I feel and what's "right." I'm just tired. So I need to get it together, even though I don't know how, and just get out of this semester alive.
October 23, 2003:
I just have a short break between classes right now, and there's a lot on my mind. Not bad stuff or anything really heavy so that I'm stressed or anything, and I don't feel daring enough to write about most of what I'm thinking about online for the entire world to have the access to read.....but I'm just free right now and thought I'd write to pass a bit o' time before Spanish. Didn't finish the homework for Spanish yet again. It's the Workbook and Lab Manual that go w/the textbook, and it's not due on a certain date, but I have to finish all of the chapters before the semester's over as we cover them in class, and we've been finished w/Chapter 10 for the longest time, and I haven't turned in the stuff yet. So that's definitely a priority right now. I need to do that next week before I just don't do it or something and say, "Fuck it." I need to get that done this weekend. Along w/starting some research for my oral report/speech in Brit. lit. II on Matthew Arnold's poetry. I have to choose a poem and find criticism and analyze it, etc., and it's easy, and I have an "A" in that class right now, so I'm not too worried. But I was just talking to Langley before he had history club, and we were talking about how we, the gang, should all get together soon, and I mentioned Thanksgiving Break because that's the next time when we're all going to mostly likely be home to be able to get together. And he said something about this guy from HS saying to him that Sam was in an accident w/a truck or something, and I need to get in touch w/her because we don't talk very much, and I need to see what's going on. I'm sure she's fine because I'd know if she wasn't, but I'm worried now, so I'm going to have to call or IM her when she's online next and get the story and everything. Just don't know anything anymore. So I need to keep in touch more w/my HS friends and not get so pulled away when I'm @ KU. Because I know I do that, and I'm talking about change, even though I probably won't......it's a sad thing that I don't talk to anyone from HS anymore, and it kinda sucks that we've lost contact since graduation. I know it was bound to happen, and I'm over it and everything, but it's just sad that people find it so hard to keep in touch w/the bounty of technology we have for just such a purpose as communication. We really don't communicate, anyway, and the technology just gives the illusion that we're such a connected society. Wow, this is getting a bit too deep for right now. When I have to go to Spanish and CW yet today before I go out w/Phil later on and the club after that......I need to think less before noon, especially on Thursdays. *LOL* But in all seriousness I really do wish I had the motivation to communicate w/people more. But I'm excited about going out w/Chris tonight. Dinner w/Phil probably. I just don't know if this thing w/Phil's going to work out. There's the doubting again, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I mean, we've been together for about a month, and I don't know if I'm getting bored or something or what, but there's something that's just not there like I thought it was or managed to convince myself that it was during, like, the first week or something. And everyone tells me that we're so cute together, blah, blah, blah, but I don't know if it's going to work out when I have doubts about it. Probably not. But again I don't know what to do w/that. Do I give it a chance to maybe pick up again? Or should I break it off? I don't want to ruin the bond because I really do have a great friendship relationship w/Phil now. But I'm thinking right now that being friends might be better than dating each other. We have what it takes to be friends and joke around and compete when it comes to games, etc., but I don't believe we have what it takes to be anything more than friends. We don't have the stuff romantically. So now I just have to make a decision about whether to break it off now or later, I guess. I mean, I don't believe I'm in this relationship to marry Phil. I don't see that happening, and the relationship can't just go on and on forever w/o an end result, whether it be breaking up or staying together. So there's something somewhere that's going to happen. And I doubt Phil's going to break it off first because I believe he cares about me, and he shows that to me and everything, but something's not there. Don't know what it is. We're going out tonight, so it might be a good time to say something, but I don't want to ruin the evening, and he's taking me out and just wants to have a nice time, and I don't want to hurt him. Which I probably will. I hate that I end up hurting people that I don't want to hurt, and Phil doesn't deserve it because he's such a sweet guy, and he really is one of the rare good ones. I might need Soulmate Council on this one, so I'll have to find Chris later. Maybe not tonight because we're going to the club, and I don't want to ruin his good time tonight either. So I'll figure things out for myself later. I just don't want to rush into anything, even though I already did when I got involved w/Phil in the first place. Yeah, I rushed into that one head first. But that's a good thing. When it comes to everything I usually take my time, and I need to be impulsive every once in a while. I just need to better choose when and when not to just be impulsive for no reason. So we'll see what happens w/this situation, and I'm hoping that I can deal w/this not only on my own but also w/o hurting Phil, ruining a friendship, and consequently messing up what I have in my usual visits to Phil's room to visit Brian, anyway, and to visit Chris in the same wing. So I don't want things to be awkward when I end this thing. So it's a big question mark, and I have to first accept that feelings will be hurt before I do anything in order to prepare myself for that. I need to be ready first before anything happens. Even though I'm obviously not helping by pretty much surprising Phil w/the whole thing, so he won't be ready while I will be, and that's hardly fair. I just don't want him to hate my guts when I hurt him. I wish things could work out to where we both feel the same way, and this would be a lot easier. I thought we were both in the same mindset to begin, but I don't think we were any more. I think he digs me more than I dig him, and that sucks when the person who doesn't feel as strongly wants to stop the relationship, etc., and knows that she's going to hurt the person who does feel strongly about it and about her. Now the other stuff on my mind is that my HS friends are all in long term relationships and are practically married already, and my dream was to marry my HS sweetheart because that's the ultimate romantic story, etc., and I'm all about that stuff, but it's not going to happen for me like it's happening for my HS friends. I mean, Steph and Langley have been together forever and have talked about getting married. It's pretty much a given thing. Missy and Adam are engaged, so they're obviously getting married. I don't know when, and i don't really think they even care because they already know they love one another, and that's just fine by them, and they're happy being engaged, which is a beautiful thing as far as I'm concerned. Sam and Chris have their anniversary on Valentine's Day, and how just perfect is that? That's the ultimate romantic I-married-my-HS-sweetheart story for the ages right there, and they're going to live forever. I haven't talked to either of them in too long, but them still being together is another given thing, and I can just assume that they're still dating, etc., if they haven't at least talked about marriage by now. And Heather and Sean have been together for longer than ever, too, so they're still going strong, and I'm glad that they're happy. Heather counts down the days until she gets to see him, and it's a bit of encouragement that they're making it work while they're both in college, and they're always apart. I know it can work, and maybe we didn't have what it takes, but those two have what it takes, and that's obvious. So I'm convinced, not that I mind, that I'm going to be the Old Maid here because I'm the one not in a relationship ever for more than seven months. I mean, I need to find someone I can be w/and believe in for that long. I was back in HS then, too, so I was younger, dumber, more naive, and more quick to go against what I wanted because I didn't know what to do, so I'd avoid the situation. But I believe I've made the right decisions so far and like where I stand w/myself. So I just have to work out this Phil thing, and I have to figure out what keeps me in a relationship that I have doubts about, etc., because I need to start learning from this. The Doug thing was just like this only I think it lasted a bit longer. Maybe not. I don't really remember because I don't know really when that started. W/Phil I even know the exact date. And our anniversary is the same as Matt Burns's and Mel's, so that's pretty cool, but that's again not a reason to stay if I have doubts. And someone once told me that if I have doubts, then there's something lacking, and doubting could mean that the love it gone, etc., and I'm elaborating, but he was pretty wise back then. I'm not so sure about now. But we'll once again see what happens. I'll keep you updated, of course, because I know you care so deeply. *snorts* But I have to go to Spanish. This day is going so slowly.........I can't wait until 3pm when i can go back to my room and sleep until dinner w/Phil, and I want to come back, maybe chill w/Phil....I don't know yet. Depends on what happens. And I want to take another nap until the club because I haven't been this tired in a long time. But I really do need to go to class now. Can't miss Spanish class......so I'll catch y'all on the flip side. Peace out until then.
October 24, 2003:
Just home from Stonewall. It's almost 3:30am. I'm tired and ready for bed, but I feel good right now. I wasn't feeling so hot all day and for a while because of stress, worrying about what to do w/the Phil thing, not getting enough sleep [just like right now], not eating right [which I still don't do], etc. A lot of things went into it, and I went to the club tonight, anyway, because I planned to go last week and bailed because I was so tired and just didn't feel like going because I didn't think I'd be much fun. I probably should've gone last week, though. But I also had an exam @ 10am last Friday, so I'm glad I didn't go or I'd be too tired to take the test. I'd fall asleep on my scantron. *LOL* So tonight was a blast, and I'm glad I went, even though I was again tired and had a headache and didn't feel like it. I went, and it was just me and Chris when we got there, and we saw Angela and met up w/her and her friend, Becky. Friends of Chris's showed up from Allies and from APO, and one of the pledges was there, and a lot of ppl from staff were there. Dennis eventually showed up and got a bit sloshed, and Dante was there, and a lot of ppl from University Place, I guess. It was a rather large KU crowd tonight. The drag show was awesome! Better than the first one I saw, and the last drag queen performed a couple of Cher songs, so Chris was in Heaven, and he got some major "drag queen lovin'," as we called it, which means he got a lot of attention from the drag queens during the show. On cloud nine for Chris, and I was so glad to see him happy like that. He really had a good time tonight, and I did, too. I feel so good right now, even though I'm tired and hurting a bit, and I smell like the club [mostly cigarette smoke smell in my hair, my clothes, on my skin, and maybe some other random smells like sweat, etc.]. So all I need is some good sleep, and it's Friday, and Friday is always a good day. I decided to think about the Phil thing some more. Maybe give it a chance instead of giving up so quickly on it. I don't know. I mean, I still don't believe I'll marry the guy, but I enjoy spending time w/him, hanging out, etc., and we're supposed to be going out today [I thought it was yesterday, so I think I got the wrong day]. So I'm definitely going to talk to Phil about how I've been having doubts, etc., and that'll at least get the communication out there and everything, and I'll feel good about that. And maybe it'll work, but it might not, and I'm prepared for that, too. So I'm going to bed, Kids. Oh, and when I got back to the dorm I ran into Dave and Steve, and I guess they went out tonight and got a little sloshed as well......so now it's time for bed. I will update you in the morning.
October 27, 2003:
So October's almost over, and I need to talk to Phil today. I don't want to say, "We need to talk," because that's just cliche and some stupid bullshit that lets the other person know that you're breaking the whole thing off then and there. I want to know who first used that line and why it caught on so well and now everyone uses it to break up. But I honestly do need to talk to Phil about what we're headed toward. I don't believe that I feel as strongly about this relationship as he does, and if I wait longer than I already have, then I'm just going to be hurting him more when I break up w/him. It's not going to work out in the end w/us getting married and riding off into the sunset, etc., because I'm not into this relationship anymore. He is, but I'm not, so I need to let him down as gently as I can and just be honest and not beat around the bush. I can't dance around the issue to make it easier on him because I need to worry about me and my happiness and make myself happy by doing what I want for once. This is it. So I want to talk to Phil today, I'm hoping, anyway, and I hope all goes well, too, because I'm going to ask him where he sees this relationship going. That's just to feel it out a bit and see just how much more into this he is. I want to ask him why he's dating me to begin w/because I'm just curious about what made him get this crush on me that's lasted all semester. That's what he says, anyway. He tells me that he's had a crush on me since training, and that's a pretty long time compared to the short month that we've actually been dating. So I need to get a feel for the situation first. Then I can talk to him about how I feel and how what I feel is different from what he feels and how I don't see it working out because I don't see being w/him at the end. That's why it's not going to work. I want to point out that he's more into it than I am and that he'd only get hurt more if I waited to say anything just to spare his feelings. And I wouldn't be sparing anything at all if I waited. I have to worry about me, etc., and I want to make myself happy. But in all honesty, and this is not just bullshit to cusion the blow or something!!!!!!!!! When I say it, when it's me saying it......I only say shit when I mean it. So if I say, "I want us to be able to still be friends, and I enjoy spending time w/you, so I want to continue to do so, and I don't want anything to change w/regards to our friendship because I think we have something good, and I want to be able to do what we're doing and hang out, go see movies, eat dinner......and I don't want things to be awkward now just because you'll probably call me your exgirlfriend [even though I doubt I'll be calling Phil my exboyfriend].......I don't want to hurt you or your feelings, and I'm trying not to make you hate my guts because it's no fun being broken up w/ [and believe me.....I know!!!].........I just don't think we have what it takes to be in a "romantic," couplelike relationship and would rather like to be friends alone because that's already there, and I know we have what it takes to be friends......we're already friends." That right there is exactly what I want to be able to say, and I doubt I'll be able to say it because it's a breaking up speech, and he might not let me talk, etc., and it'll make me nervous. So it's going to be difficult to say everything I want to say in the heat of the moment and under seige like that. So that's the deal. I wrote about it this morning when I started my desk shift, and now I'm online doing it because there's a lot I need to get down. There are a host of reasons why breaking up w/Phil is best for me [and probably for him if he doesn't want to date a girlfriend who's unhappy in the situation]. And above all else it's me I need to worry about. I have to watch out for number one, and number one on my list should be me, even if it doesn't seem that way very often. I definitely rushed into this thing w/Phil way too fast and need to get out now, and this is the punishment I get for being impulsive. Not that it's bad to be impulsive and spontaneous or anything. It's good. But I need to be the bearer of bad news, and I hate being on either end of this situation. Neither way is the best way to be. So I'm going to see what happens and if he's free enough today to get the chance to talk to me, etc., and I'll, of course, let you know how it goes and everything because that's what you're here for. Today's the day.
