MAY 2003
May 2003
May 1, 2003:
Only 7 days left in my freshman year in college! I'm so excited to be going home and having everything done and no more work left to do because I'll be so much less stressed out and able to handle real life again, but I'm also going to miss my friends so much! It's so sad to be leaving in our own directions to go back home for so long! I'm hoping to get a decent job this summer maybe working for a temp. agency where I'll be place in a comfortable office job making a decent amount of money with my nights and weekends free to do whatever I choose. And I want to visit a lot of my friends from Kutztown University this summer because I have my own car back! I'm so happy that she's purring like a tiger again! I can drive again! Okay, I'm getting a little too excited today for some reason. Today's my last difficult day of the week, so I'll be free after 4:20pm, and Chris and I are going to the University Choir show tonight, so I'm excited about hearing some awesome music this evening. Next week is finals week, and I have a lot to do before I'm close to ready for it to hit me, so I'll be busy this weekend without a doubt. I even have a paper due tomorrow that I haven't finished yet. It seems like I always procrastinate like that. But I digress. I have so much backtracking to do because I haven't talked about Spring Break or Chris's frat. formal or anything yet. I took my first three PRAXIS: reading, writing, and math. So I should be okay with my requirements, and I'll know my results in a few weeks along with my grades for this semester, and I'm anxious about knowing how I'm doing. I'm sure my grades are fine, but somehow there's always the feeling that I could've done better at something. And I know I'm going to be tense until I know my grades again like I was over Winter Break. But now it's time for lunch, so I'll have to play the storyteller later on when I have time to chat.
May 15, 2003:
I'm home from school, and it's really sad to leave everyone from KU, so today...I mean, this week...has been a complete crying festival [CryFest 2003]. I'm especially going to miss Chris because he's my soulmate, and we're seriously close like he's Will to my Grace. I'm seriously going to start watching Will & Grace because I want to know what's going on! *LOL* But I miss everyone already. I missed them before I left. Probably at the beginning of the end. I have laundry to do, even though I thought I'd have the time/energy/will power to do laundry back at school and not bring home dirty clothes. But at least it's free here. I'm going to try to get in some observation hours at schools around here in the next couple of weeks before getting a job, even though I need a job. The teaching stuff is more important to me. But this week was a blast at KU, even though it was Hell Week, AKA Finals Week. It was so stressful, but last night the gang and I went to Cupid's, and it was my first time going there, so that was exciting, I guess. We stopped by Movie Gallery and rented a film. *LOL* and *wink wink* to my KU film buddies. That was a little weird and embarrassing, but I think I'll live. Maybe we'll be known as the "weird kids" next year when we go back. *LOL* At least we had fun and got to be stupid. I mean, we have to be as stupid and weird and crazy as possible before we get old and aren't able to do that stuff any more, right? Hellz yeah! I think so. So thank you for the good and great and best times this year, Losers! I love you guys, and I'm going to miss you all so much this summer. Even though it's just a break, and I know it's not good bye forever or anything, waiting until August to go back to KU again seems like way too long to bear. We're going to have to get together this summer and hang out somewhere, plan a movie night, have a BBQ/picnic at a random park somewhere with music, I don't know...but we have to do something or else I'll go stir crazy from seeing too much of my family and working too much. I also have to get back in touch with the people I've been unable to see a lot of since graduation last year. I knew we'd lose the closeness and get out of touch, but I hope we can hang out this summer and get back into the old group again. I miss my friends from HS! So everything's going well right now in my life. I'm a little sad and want to be back at KU with my friends just hanging out in the Thinking Cap or having a movie night or going to dinner or something, but I guess it's good to be home, and I can do my laundry for free and have real food to eat for dinner [even though the food didn't taste that bad as long as I ate with the usual gang]. It's going to be nice to sleep close to the floor like a normal person does. *LOL* And to be able to shower without wearing shower shoes. I don't have to worry about catching any diseases at home...well, except maybe from my brother. EWWWWW! But seriously, I'm glad I'm home for now. I'm not thrilled yet, and I miss everyone so much and have a headache from crying, but I'll be okay and take some asprin or something. *LOL* I'm going to miss the room [good ol' LH322S], movie nights, walking to the Dollar Tree [where everything's $1], the music, the laughter, the tears, ordering food late at night and having Amber yell about China King not giving her extra sauce...*tear*...I'm going to miss everything, and I have to wait until August to get that stuff back again! I hope everyone makes some awesome memories this summer because I want to hear about everything everyone did this summer when we meet again in August! So take a lot of pictures to show me! I'll talk to all of you guys very soon! I love you and miss you and can't wait to see you again already!
May 16, 2003:
OMG, what an exciting and frightful day! I woke up too early to take Kyle to school, fed his dog when I got back home, watched The Matrix because I fell asleep watching it last night, fell asleep when it was over, and here it is already after 3:30pm on Friday. Amos got away from me today when I took him outside. So he runs down the street and disappears somewhere, and I'm just running up our driveway after him with no shoes and thinking I'm going to catch him. Yeah, I'm really smart sometimes. I go back into the house and get shoes, Amos's leash, and my house key and run after Kyle's dog down the street. I get to the abandoned mill at the end of the street, and there's Amos on some random neighbor's porch, so I have to go get him, but he thinks it's a big, fun game and tries to get away from me. So I have to yell at him, and Amos [or any animal I'd think] gets all upset and puts his tail between his legs when I yell at him. But you know what? I was pissed that he ran away in the first place. I guess he wasn't getting what he needed at home. Anyway, I've been listening to Sarah McLachlan today and doing laundry because I didn't finish it before I fell asleep yesterday. And other than that, the day's been boring, lonely, and sad like yesterday was. I called Chris at school last night just to see what he was up to, and he was bored, too. This first year just went so fast! I can't believe that I'm home for the summer and a sophomore in August already! But Kyle just called from a friend's house and has been waiting for me long enough, so I'll try to be back later and maybe write some more. If you're from KU, sign my guestbook and leave me something nice to read! No one ever signs my guestbook!...
...I just took Kyle to the mall, and he definitely has some explaining to do when he gets home. Dad left us money for while he's out of town, and Kyle stole $20 to go to the mall, even though I had already given him money. He watched me count that money before we even left, and he thinks I'm stupid and won't notice a missing $20. I don't think so, and now he owes it to me. That's so not right. Anyway, I'm just finishing up the last of the laundry, and I'm going to watch another movie, Jurassic Park. Props to the original. Amos got to the kitchen counter and ate half of the pizza I ordered for dinner tonight, so he's locked up until Kyle gets home. I think Kyle should be locked up, too. What am I going to do with these boys all summer? And my dad's not even home yet! Jesus H. Christ, I'm going to be a wreck by the time I get a job. I'll have to take a lot of vacations to Mom's house. *LOL* Anyway, it's raining, and I'm glad because today was still a sad day, and I still miss school and my friends at KU. It's still boring and lonely here, and I wish I could just be with them again. Rachael's away message earlier said all of the things she was missing last night when the dorm was eerily quiet when everyone was already gone, and she said that she missed me being the second half to Chris and that he wasn't himself last night, and reading that made me cry again. I miss Chris most of all. I'm not sure why Chris more than anyone, but Chris really is my best friend. He's my dance partner and my formal date and someone to cry with. I just miss him the most of all. He really is my second half because he's my soulmate. *tear*
May 19, 2003:
And I'm so sad again. I just can't get back into the whole being home thing. A person can't just be uprooted from where she lives and be expected to change like this all the time! I had to deal with moving to KU, and I adjusted, and I guess I truly have changed because coming back home is so hard for me. I mean, I never was a big change person, and I'm not really fond of having to get used to something new all the time, but having to leave what I've considered to be my home since August...it's just cruel! For the first time, I established myself somewhere on my own and without my family and friends from my town that I've known since elementary school, and after going through two semesters with the new people I learned to love for everything they mean to me, I'm ripped away from the only life I've ever been able to make for myself and torn back to where I went to HS and expected to be all giddy to be at home with my "old" friends. Well, I'm sorry, but this shit doesn't cut it for me! I can't just uproot myself and come back and be the way I was because I've changed. I know I've changed because I can't just be back home and be happy with it! I have been so sad and miserable since I got here, and the only thing I've wanted to do since Thursday is go back to KU and just be in my new life with everything I've known all school year. Just when I'm really starting to form some damn hardcore friendship ties with these people at school I have to come back home! What the fuck is wrong with me that I can't get over KU? Why can't I just come home and be my home "self" and hang out with HS friends and be happy doing that? Why do I miss Chris so much? Why is it so difficult for me to unpack? I seriously haven't finished unpacking yet! The house is a mess with my stuff everywhere! Not to mention my room! OMG! It's so hard to me to unpack because I start missing everything again, so I'll turn on the radio to try to get some different noise in my head, and every song I hear reminds me of something that makes me want to cry all over again, so I go downstairs and watch a movie and never get to finish unpacking. That's exactly what happens every damn time. So here I am, sad again and crying my eyes out because I miss everyone from KU so much that it hurts my heart to the point where I need to cry. It's just so fucking sad all the fucking time that I can't just sit around and do nothing. I need something to keep my mind away from KU and missing everything so damn much all the time. I just can't wait to get a damn job! Maybe I'll be too busy to think then. Maybe I'll be too tired when I come home to do anything but fall asleep, and I won't be able to think then. I don't know why it's so hard for me to get over it. I hate being sad all the time. *tear*
May 24, 2003:
OMG, I am so happy right now! For the first time in a long time, I can actually say that I'm content, and I'm not even lying! I have a new cell phone, and I called Chris and got to talk to him for nearly an hour and a half, and I just hung up the phone a few minutes ago, and I thought I'd be sad and want to just cry because the conversation was over, but I'm actually okay for right now. I'm so happy! I love having my new cell because I can talk for as long as I want on nights and weekends and have included long distance, so I can just call whoever I want and talk for as long as I want after 9pm. It's the best thing I could have at my disposal right now since I've been so down since I got home and missing people from KU so much, especially Chris. It was so nice to talk to him, though! We just talked about anything we felt like saying, and remembered stuff from the school year and finals week, and Chris is actually going to write his play! He was talking about writing a one-act play about the first week we all spent at KU and how everyone met and why we became the Losers Club and ended up such close friends, and I thought it was such a great idea, but he hadn't started writing it yet, and he told me tonight that he wants to make the writing of his play a summer project. It'll keep him busy, and he's going to change it and make it about finals week because it's easier to remember, so it'll be a great play. He's going to set the play in the lobby of Lehigh Hall, the Thinking Cap, and maybe one other setting, but I don't know where that last one is. He had it as the South Dining Hall when the original plot was still in place, but he might've changed it by now. I'm just so excited to read it! I hope he finishes it by the time we're back in school again because I just think it's a brilliant idea. But it was just so nice to talk to him about everything because being here at home is really hard for me. I've changed a lot since I started living in the dorm last August, and I can't squeeze myself into the Slatington/"No learn" Lehigh HS/quiet like I used to be mold any more. I just find it impossible to force myself to be the way I was before KU because I think I've changed that much that I can't go back. I'm a completely different person here than I was at school, and I was myself at school! I was just starting to grow and be who I want to be and act how I want to act. It wasn't an act at all because it was all real! The way I was at KU was the real thing, and I can't go back now. So we talked about how hard it is to live two lives and be one person, and it was really a nice kind of therapy for my troubled mind because I haven't been very happy since I got home. I've been down and depressed and sad. I've been crying a lot, and it's been raining the entire time I've been home, I think. Chris and I swear that the second the group gets together again it's going to be sunny and warm like summer should be, and that'll probably be the weekend we get together and go to the beach. I'm still thinking Seaside Heights, NJ. Maybe OC, MD. I don't know, but Chris thinks it's a really great idea, and he's psyched about it, too. I'm hoping we can all get our shit together and find one weekend when we're all free at the same time and can go to the beach together. Chris still wants me to visit him, and I told him that he's visiting me for a week. No arguments! *LOL* We haven't gone clubbin' yet, so we still have to do that. I have to round up Cristie and Amber and maybe get them into it, too. I actually went to the mall today, and I got some really cute clothes! I wasn't even thinking about going clubbin' at the time, but I got some really awesome clothes I could wear to a club! Maybe I was thinking about it in my unconscious because I got this pair of black jeans and a couple of cute little halter tops: an orange one and a blue one. I am so excited to get dressed up and just hang out with Chris and dance the night away! That's the only thing I want to do right now! I miss my surrogate boyfriend so much! OMG, I just can't even tell you how happy I am that I got to talk to him. I mean, at the same time I'm a little sad because the conversation's over. It's that feeling you get when you hear the beep of the phone when the battery's dying. It's just like when you hear the mechanical voice telling you that you only have one minute left on your calling card. It's just an instant depressant kind of feeling that you have to say good bye again, and it kills me. But we were getting ready to say good bye and hang up because Chris's mom wanted him to cut it short because I guess his dad called. And the song on the radio when we were getting ready to hang up was Daniel Bedingfield's "If You're Not The One," and Chris burned that song on one of the two CDs he burned from my music on my computer at the end of the school year, so I told him to listen and turned up the radio, and he's like, "Awwwwwww!" *LOL* Yeah, me. Way to make hanging up the phone even more sad for us, right? I love that song! I think I'm going to make it my new favorite song of the moment. Yeah, it's officially my new favorite song of the moment. *LOL* So I have to change that when I'm done with this entry. I think I'm almost done, anyway. But I just wanted to get this entry in because I didn't want to wait until I wasn't so happy any more and sad again because I was off the phone with Chris. I mean, I wanted to cry or at least felt like I was going to when I first hung up because I always wait to hear the other person hang up first, and Daniel Bedingfield was on the radio. It was just sad. But the song was almost over, and I guess I was just okay, so the happiness has lasted until now, and here I am, writing Thinking Aloud for today. Amazing, isn't it? Yeah, I know it's a great story. Very exciting for anyone outside me, right? I know you're probably not excited by my life, but I just need this Thinking Aloud thing to vent. It's my therapy. I stay sane by writing, hence being an English major in college. *LOL* So I think I'm going to wrap this up now. *LOL* I hope my happiness brightened your day, anyway, and I hope my happiness even lasts for a while. *LOL* I rented some movies, so I think I'm going to watch something. Probably something funny because I'm in a good mood, and I'm not really in the mood to be scared by The Mothman Prophecies right now. So I'm going to get ready to just chill and watch a movie. I'll catch you guys up later because you know I'll be back sometime to continue the ongoing story of my life because I know you love to hear about everything I do every day. Welp C U l8r!
May 30, 2003:
So I haven't written in a little while. I've been too busy writing in my journal [hard copy] and writing letters to Chris. I had five when I sent the first round yesterday along with an advertisement for Pucker and a Laci Peterson article from my June Cosmopolitan. Took me long enough to mail the bunch, didn't it? Damn. Maybe he'll have something to do this weekend other than his sister's wedding on Saturday. *LOL* He said he finished the set designs for his play! I'm so damn excited about it! I got a funny e-mail from Abby, my roomie from 322S! I just love her. She's great. I'm so glad we decided to stay together in 322S next year. I know we'll have a great year because we got along so well this past year. I'm really looking forward to going back. But I'm also looking forward to getting a job. I interviewed at the Home Depot for a cashier position today. Hopefully, I'll be making $9/hr. That'd be so nice! I could pay for my car and pay back my dad by the end of the summer! Or at least come really close to it. I have a little time left to get to schools and observe. This is my last chance for a while. But I totally forgot I can go to Kutztown HS! Duh me! I have the entire fall semester to observe there! So it's no problem to get the hours before the deadline. I'll be glad to have them done, though. Courtney's been tannin' it, and her prom is on Saturday! I know she's excited for that. She'll have a blast! She's going to Chuck E. Cheese with her date before and to see The Italian Job after. *LOL* Cool, huh? I have a lot of good song lyrics set up as away messages for my AIM here at Dad's, and I think I'm going to put one good lyric in each letter I write to Chris. The first one is from Sarah McLachlan's "Hold On." It goes, "...My love, you know that you're my best friend...You know that I'd do anything for you...My love, let nothing come between us...My love for you is strong and true...," and I think I used the whole thing, but I'm not sure. I might've shortened it or something. But that's the first one. I call Chris "my love" all the time, so I think it's a cute lyric. And we're all about Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" as "our song," anyway. Maybe I'll use a Daniel Bedingfield lyric next time? How about Savage Garden? Or Pink? Madonna? So many good ones. But I think I'm going to get the Hell outta here for now. I have to get Lara Croft out of the sinking submarine! OMG!
