JUNE 2003
June 2003
June 2, 2003:
Oh...my...God.........It's about 3:30am, and I just finished watching City Of Angels. What an incredible movie! Seriously, me equals bawling my eyes out. I can't believe I waited so long to see it! I'm so buying this movie and taking it to school this year because I just can't get over how amazing this movie is! I will be watching it all the time. I wonder who hasn't seen it. *ponders* Maybe Abby hasn't. It'll be great to have a roomies' night and watch it. Or I can make Chris watch it the first night we're back for training. Good idea! Anyway, I just can't get over this movie, so I should probably go to bed and try to sleep it off or something. I still have to talk to Court about the prom on Saturday. I hope she had the time she was looking for. I wanted her to be able to make something memorable of her prom night so that she'll never forget it. I'm sure she and Sean had a blast. I talked to Chris tonight. I really missed him last night. Partly because I wanted to be at the prom again. I think it sucks that I didn't make my prom a huge deal. I mean, Court made all of these plans and probably had the time of her life. Steph's sister looked so pretty. It's like it was a huge thing for everyone this year. But I didn't make the big deal of my prom. I mean, I got all dressed up and went, but I think I expected too much and didn't do enough to make the night live up to my high expectations. It was slightly disappointing, I guess. But I'm happy that I went at all. There's no way I was going to miss my prom. No way in Hell. And I'm glad I didn't. But I could've been more girly about it, I guess. I could've gotten my nails done and gone tanning or something. Not that tanning would've worked for me because I have so little color to me that I'm practically clear. I'm almost albino. *LOL* But I hope you know what I mean. I just wanted to be dressed up and going to the prom. It's exciting for the people who are there, so I guess I was looking for some excitement. I mean, I didn't stay home. I went out to the movies with some friends, but going to Tilghman 8 to see Bruce Almighty isn't exactly the prom. *LOL* Anyway, I finished the book I was reading, Choke. It was pretty decent. Sarcastically funny. My type of humor. But it was also really graphic. I'm really excited to talk about it with James, though. Part of our own private book club. Check it out in my subprofile. It's J/K Book Club. There are only two books so far, but we're going to read Fight Club next, so stay tuned for that one. The author of Fight Club wrote Choke, so we're just staying with the same author. I want to read his other books, too. Chuck Palaniuk is his name. There are three or four other books by him, so I have a lot of reading to do, but I'm also trying to stay busy this summer with reading because I don't have any required summer reading to do. I guess I'm enjoying the intellectual freedom to do what I want. So I want to finish a book every two weeks. That's the goal. It's a lot of reading, but it's also a lot of keeping busy. And it's already June! I can't believe how time flies! I mean, I just got out of school, didn't I? It feels like I just left Kutztown. I guess I'm feeling better about being home and away from the KU gang, the Losers Club. But I still miss them. I guess I've just adjusted to the idea that I'm not going to see them much until August. And talking to them is fine. But I want to get addresses and write letters. And I'm trying to plan a beach trip for July. I'm wondering about the Home Depot job, too. I'm hoping I get it because it'll be nice to have something to occupy my days. I'd rather not sleep all day and waste the time I have to be active. I really am starting to hate waking up when Kyle's getting out of school for the day and realizing I've wasted so much time. I think I'm just going to stay up tonight. I mean, it's already almost 4am, and I have to observe at the school today, so I have to be up early and get to the school to sit in Mrs. Evans's classroom all day. Today and Wednesday I'm going to be at the school, so if I can get five good hours in I'll be happy for this week. For now. Okay, so I'm really looking forward to five hours of observation and a job at the Home Depot. But I'll settle for the hours of observation and a second interview. At least I'll feel like I'm making progress. Okay, so I want the observation hours, the second interview, and to get Chris's letters. I'd love to get Chris's letters today. That would literally be the one thing I'm looking forward to that could brighten my day better than anything else. He got mine the day after I mailed them! I'm really surprised about that. I mean, I mailed them on Thursday, and he got them on Friday! And I didn't get his yet. That doesn't really make much sense to me, but okay. Anyway, I should seriously get to bed or something. I mean, once you hit a certain hour it's just too late for bed. *LOL* I think I've hit that hour. I think I'll just take a nice long shower to wake up and maybe do some yoga before I have to be at school. Maybe I'll finally start my yoga.
June 5, 2003:
Good morning. It's almost 1am, and I'm just thinking about a lot of stuff right now, so I need to vent/write/journal before I head to bed. I have so much to say, and I'm really behind in telling you about what's been going on in my life. And that's just this week! You'll have to remind me to come back and tell you all about how busy I've been. I took an ambulance ride to Lehigh Valley Hospital ER early, early on Tues. morning. Around 3am, I'd venture. I'm okay for now, but I may need surgery. I'll tell you all about it very soon. I promise that I will because I know I can't just leave it like that and not tell you WTF happened to me. It's nothing huge and major, and I'm not dying or anything, so don't worry about it too much. It's just an adjustment/change in my life. My left hand is still sore from the IV they tried on me. First time I ever got that done. First time for a lot of things. First ambulance ride, first trip to the ER. But I digress. I'll backtrack later. What I'm puzzling over this morning, what truly has me concerned, is that I haven't really been able to get in a good talk w/Chris this entire week. I wanted to call him Mon. night but fell asleep before 9pm and woke up w/the gall bladder attack around 2am-ish. Wanted to call Chris Tues. night but fell asleep and took a nap. He called me, and I got the message later and called him back, but he couldn't talk long, so I didn't really get to say much. I just told him a little of what happened to me and that I'm fine right now. He told me to call him back tonight. So I called him back after the girls' night at Heather Raby's w/Szokey, Sam, Heather Jasper, Kathy, etc. The gang from HS [just the girls, of course, until Jim Curry stopped by]. But he's one of the girls, anyway. *LOL* So I got home around 10pm and called Chris and talked for a little, but Courtney called, and I was chatting w/her when Chris said that he had to go again. I was sad after that and just painted for a while. Until now, I guess. Because I was in a strangely artsie mood tonight and decided to pick up some canvases and acrylic. Just a turn of mood, I guess. But my concern is Chris. Because I don't know if he got off the phone because he really did have something he had to do or just wasn't allowed to talk any more. Or because I was talking to Courtney and wasn't really paying attention to him at the time. I really felt like I was ignoring him after that, and I know it's my own fault. He's probably fine and didn't give it a thought and just had to go because he was busy or something for real. But I know I'm going to call him this weekend and see if we can't get in an actual conversation this week. I'm trying to write him some letters to send because I know he enjoyed getting the first batch. And I'll probably apologize in a letter and when I get in touch w/him this weekend because I really do feel bad about it. I honestly wasn't trying to ignore him, though. I guess I just did, and I feel terrible. So I'm definitely going to have to apologize. I'll talk to him again really soon, and I'll concentrate on getting to the weekend alive until then. I just have to make it through two more days. I'm observing @ Dieruff HS tomorrow and have to drive all the way there in morning rush hour traffic this morning to be there all day and probably do as much as I did @ NLHS on Mon. and Wed. Nothing, of course. Because it's the end of the year, and there's nothing going on except research papers. So it's library/computer lab/writing in class time, and I don't have anything to observe except kids writing and researching. I guess I did learn a couple of things, though. I mean, I learned about the TALID system for emotional/behavioral disorder kids. It's a points system. And I learned one question to always ask about a school district. I need to ask about how the district reimburses tuition for graduate credit(s) I need to take. Graduate work is required by law when you're a teacher. Teacher as lifelong learner. KU's mission statement. They don't even let you graduate if you don't know the mission statement. Oh, and I passed my first three PRAXIS exams. One more to go: English. But that's not for a while yet, so I'm right on track. I don't know. I just need to go to bed before I get so stressed out that I cause myself another gall bladder attack. I had to take the cheese off of my pizza tonight to eat it at all because the grease could trigger an attack. I'm not so sure it was a great idea to eat any pizza at all, but I seem to be okay. I figure that if I haven't triggered it by now I should be okay to sleep through the night. The pizza can't still be digesting, and I would've known it for sure if I had triggered another attack. I just want to get this stupid gall stone TF out of me! I don't want to have to worry about everything I eat and waking up in the middle of the night w/a random attack and not being able to breathe while the pain cuts me in half. I never want to do that again for sure! But I think I'm going to get to bed. I'll talk to Chris soon enough to make sure he's okay w/my being rude like that. I'll write to him. And I'll show him my painting, even though I'm not sure I really like it all that much. We'll see. Take care, and I'll talk to you very soon.
June 6, 2003:
It was so nice to be able to do nothing today! I've been so busy this week, so I got to sleep in and just chill around the house all day, watch movies, etc. Play a lot of computer games. *LOL* I've talked to Chris almost every day this week, even if not for a very long time. I called him on Wed. on my lunch break from Dieruff but had to go back to the school before he called me back. So he left a message @ Mom's, and I called him back later last night. He had to work, so I had to wait until after 9pm, anyway. But at least I feel better about being rude the other night. Like I figured, it was no big deal. Chris could never be mad at me, anyway. And he knows I could never be mad at him. I would be too lonely after not talking to him for a while. *LOL* But I painted Falling In Love, and you can see a picture of my very first crack at being a serious artist if you go to Yours Truly. I need to start writing letters to Chris again. I haven't had much to say as far as writing because I've talked to him so much this week. But I think I'm going to get back into writing letters. Anyway, like I said, I don't have much to say. Sam and I saw Wrong Turn today, and it was mad scary as all Hell. So that was fun. But other than that...nothing much. So I'll try to do something exciting and get an entry in about it later. Sorry for the lack of entertainment here today. *LOL* Try back next time.
June 9, 2003:
I'm officially sick. I have a cold, and I feel like absolute shit, and I just want to be healthy and well again. Can I just get better? Please? PLEASE? I'm so sick of being sick. I just want to be able to breathe normally and wake up every day without having a coughing fit and going into convulsions. Is that too much to ask? I don't think it is. I just want the Home Depot to call me already because I went to the stupid lab/clinic or whatever and took the stupid drug test, like, last Wed. Almost a week ago. So they should have the results and call me by now, I think. I still need a freakin' background check before I can even start working. I got in ten observation hours last week, though. So that's one thing I've accomplished since I left school in May. Not a whole lot of accomplishment going on here. I finished Choke a while ago and read Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul from cover to cover. I swear, though, some of those stories are so dumb. That's the word. Just dumb. They're in there to get you to cry, and they're just dumb. I mean, the one story goes from this girl wanting to kill herself to everything being just fine and normal in, like, two sentences. Because the suicidal girl hears her friend's voice on the answering maching and *POOF* suddenly realizes that people do love her. I mean, c'mon now. Really. That's just dumb. If she was really all that suicidal, then she would've just killed herself, anyway. I don't know. And the story's so short. It doesn't explain anything really. Like I said it's just dumb. Maybe it's just me because I don't believe that suicide should ever be an answer. It's not an acceptable answer, and there's always something you can do to deal. There are always people you can turn to. And if you don't have any friends/family to help you, then that's what support groups are for. Call a hotline or something, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, I digress from that topic. I still have the second and third ones to read, too. But I don't know if I really want to. I mean, there are a few good stories in there but not that many. Maybe one story in every chapter or something. At least they're mostly about people my own age. Every once in a while there's a story by a 14-year-old who lost her boyfriend and had to struggle through such a tough time. Those stories are just dumb, too. When you're 14 years old, you don't know what real love is at any rate, anyway. It just hurts because you think it's supposed to. But they're mostly about high school kids or college kids, and I can at least relate to the age group. But I once again digress. I haven't talked to Chris in a while. Of course, "a while" means since Thurs. because that was when I last talked to him. I called Sat. night to ask him to a theatre show w/me, but he never called me back, so I'll just write it to him in a letter or something. I want to get another batch out by maybe Wed./Thurs. And I want to start reading Fight Club. It's by the same guy who wrote Choke, so it should be a decent book. And then I'll watch the movie and see how the two compare. So intellectual for a summer. But I still feel like utter shit, so I'm probably going to go watch another movie and fall asleep after taking some NyQuil or something. NyQuil is so much better tasting than DayQuil, anyway, so who cares if I'm a little drowsy? I'll write again when something exciting happens because all I've been doing lately is sleeping, and that's just nothing to write about. I hope you're all feelin' fine. Like I'm not. I'll catch you when I'm well.
June 13, 2003:
Okay, so I'm not well yet, but I wouldn't be able to not write for a month at the rate of health that I'm going at this point. I think I'm just going to slowly deteriorate until my painful death. After the gall bladder attack last Tues. early morning, I picked up a cold somewhere this past weekend, and my ear kept me awake w/pain a couple of nights ago. So I went to see Dr. Gilbert yet again. He probably thinks that I'm a hypochondriac or something, but my ear on the inside is evidently "bulging," so he prescribed me some drugs for that problem. I won't be 100% again for about the next ten days or so. WTF already. I just don't want to be sick any more. I haven't been to the doctor so much in a number of years combined as I have in the past two weeks. It's just amazing to me that everything's happening @ one time. I can't just be healthy. I'm getting a lot of TV time. Maybe I should start my yoga already. I really do want to get a yoga body this summer. But I've lost another two pounds since last Tues. when I saw Dr. Gilbert. So two pounds every week isn't so bad, right? Maybe I'll feel awesome by the time I go back to school. Maybe I'll be able to win Brian over to the "more than friends" side of the board. *LOL* I don't even really honestly know if I want to. He's really cool as a friend, and I [once again] wouldn't want to ruin that because it seems like I don't have any exboyfriends that remained friends w/me after the break up. Unfortunately. It's the Harry-Sally Complex, I believe. I'll find the monologue and type it in here for you sometime, but the movie When Harry Met Sally...Harry makes a really good point about men and women being just friends and says that it's not possible because sex will always come into play in that type of relationship. He says it better than I ever could, though. And it's not that I don't like myself or hate the body I have or anything. I'm happy w/myself and wouldn't change for anyone else. But if I want to change for myself, then that's a different story. I will change if it will make me happier. And so the yoga should commence. *LOL* I got the job at the Home Depot, too. And maybe work will make me not sleep so much. I'll actually have to get up and do something all day. My first orientation is this Sat. from 9am-5pm. Seems like a long orientation to me. But if Jim Wagner says so, right? He's the boss now, I guess. I'm almost finished w/Fight Club. So I'm excited about that. The two books back to back by the same author, Chuck Palaniuk, made things a little confusing. Not hard to understand, but I confused aspects & characters in the two books because they're all so similar. I guess they would be if the books are by the same author, though, huh? Makes sense to me. So J/K Book Club is going to take a break, and James and I are going to read a different author then see the movie Fight Club then maybe go back to Chuck Palaniuk because he has two or three other books he's written, and we like him as a author. So we'll see where the words take us, I guess. And my goal is to not own a book I haven't read, so I'm going to try to read at least one book every two weeks or so and get rid of books I'll never read because I can't buy new ones until I read all of the books I already have. I also want to visit each of the 50 states at least once. Learn to speak Gaelic. Write my autobiography and have it published. I just want to have something published. A children's book, a novel. I actually started to work on what I want to be a novel a few nights ago. Maybe even get a poem published, but I really want to do something BIG. Not that poetry isn't big because it is. It's huge. I'm just going for something that means more to me personally. But the poetry thing reminds me that I need to pick up my copy of the book that Johnathan's poetry got published in. I seriously almost forgot about that, so I'm glad I remembered. I'll get him to sign it for me, too. *LOL* It'll be cool to say that I know someone who got published for real. My one manager @ BK, Chuck, got published, too. But Johnathan's my age, I guess. That's why it's a bigger deal. Anyway, I'm moving on here. I'm trying to plan this beach trip for the Losers Club. I want to find a place that's close. Maybe Seaside Heights or Stone Harbor, NJ, or something. And I wanted to stay for a weekend, but Dad thinks it'd be a better idea to just go for an overnight trip. I'm really surprised that he's really cool w/this idea. Maybe he actually thinks I can organize this thing and get everyone together and do this. But maybe he also thinks that it'll never happen. Too short notice. Everyone has a different schedule. It'll never happen. *LOL* I'm not sure about my dad yet. So I'm going to search now for lodging around those areas, and I'm shooting for July. Maybe the weekend/night of Fri. the 18th. So I'll catch you later. Sweet dreams...
...Later on Friday the 13th. No wonder that movie was on TV today. Now I know why. *LOL* Dork! I wrote Chris a letter today. Just about this scary dream I had and the beach trip I'm trying to plan still. I found a few good places in Seaside Heights, and I e-mailed them, and they all got back to me, but I'm down to two of the places and favor one over the other. So we'll see, and I still have to get Dad to help me out w/finding a place. Either way, I talked to Amber, and she can't come because she works, which makes me sad because I want everyone to be able to make it. But Amber couldn't come, even if I changed the date. So there's nothing I can do. And that's still really sad. I'm still trying to finish Fight Club, but I decided that I want to finish it today if it kills me because I want to get to the end. It's gettin' really good. So the ending should be great. James liked it. I seriously feel more intelligent when I get to discuss the books we read w/James. Orientation @ the Home Depot tomorrow from 9am-5pm, so I have to wake up early. Really early for me. *LOL* So we'll see what's going on. I don't know if I'm getting paid for this or what, but I have to do it, anyway, and I need BEACH MONEY!!!!!
June 17, 2003:
So I got the job @ The Home Depot [THD from now on], and it's been a hectic, stressful, crazy-go-nuts, frustrating, confusing, trying few days so far. This past Saturday I had to go through orientation from 9am-5pm [even though I got paid from 8am-4:30pm and should have an extra half hour in my first pay check]. The work week runs from Mon.-Sun., and I get paid every other Fri., and the next pay day is going to be this Fri., so I'm only getting paid for Sat.'s orientation. But I guess it'll be okay because it is only one day that I'm getting paid for. This week I'm working Mon. 8am-5pm, Tues. noon-5pm, Wed. 8am-5pm, Fri. 8am-5pm, and Sun. 6am-2pm. So I have a few early mornings. A lot earlier than I'm used to waking up to go to work...but I guess it's worth it since I need the money. Not that I'm using my money for anything except paying my dad back. To fix my car from winter break...a lot of money to fix that POS...so I'll be paying for that for the rest of my life. And they had a problem today w/me taking so much vacation this summer. Not like I can help it because it's family vacation. But instead of needing a week off I need two weeks off: one for vacation w/my dad and one for vacation w/my mom. And the lady goes, "Oooh, that's better!!" But WTF makes it any better than it already was????? It made me so IRATE!!! I just don't understand. I mean, today was fucking confusing enough, and I was confused before today from fucking orientation, so I didn't really know what was going on. I was in "Cashier College" yesterday for the second part of the day, and that's the class I have to go through to be a cashier, and I actually have a book for this shit!!!! It takes so much unnecessary training for this job. I really think it's too much to deal w/to have this job. But I'm also not about to start looking for another job and not be making any money for another month. I mean, it took THD this long to fucking hire me, anyway, and I'm not about to throw away all of the time I spent waiting and wasting the days sleeping because THD hadn't hired me yet. And now that they've hired me I think they're stuck w/me. I already went through too much bullshit to get this damn job, and I'm not just going to quit like that. *snaps fingers* Just like that. So today was my first day of "shadowing," and that means that I just sit @ a register w/another cashier and just watch what's going on. I don't have to do anything. I just have to watch what's going on and maybe get a better idea of what I'm supposed to do. But they stick me in 21 Lumber [see, I have to memorize the departments and their department numbers]. I'm in 90 Cashier/Front End. So they stick me in 21 Lumber, and even Kelly's surprised they'd do that on my first day being a someone's shadow because Lumber's so stressful. That's where real professionals go and want to get their stuff out quickly because they're contractors, and they need the stuff they're buying. The huge doors are there so trucks can just pull up and be loaded right there w/the big stuff, etc. And that's not the best place to learn to be a cashier because you have to count every piece of lumber before you scan anything. You have to measure some things before you scan because the register asks how many feet of something there is, and you have to take 16' of lumber to the other side of the register to measure it against the wall, but to measure it you have to stand it up longways. If it's something that's 16' long....that's Hell to stand up on its end. And if it's bendable it falls over when you try!! It was a stressful day, and I kept making mistakes and probably pissing everyone off, and I hate that shit because you know that they already have a problem w/you when you're new, and they're all stressed out because they have to train someone who's a newbie. I mean, it's not like I don't know what's going on because I know I hated closing @ BK w/the newbie closing virgins who didn�t know what was going on because I'd always get out so much later than when I did this stuff w/someone who knew what they were doing. I bet I'm driving the ppl @ THD crazy because I'm new and confused. So they're probably all pissed. And Julie, my supervisor, had a big problem w/the vacation I requested off of work for. And it's not like I can help it much because there's absolutely NO WAY I can be working if I'm in OC, MD w/my dad. So WTF!!!! I just don't understand why it was such a big deal because I told them that I needed two weeks off this summer. And they're probably also pissed that this is just a summer job for me and not a career. I mean, I can't work there during school because I'm going to have a second job @ KU during school. I probably won't have my car and be able to go back and forth between school and THD, anyway. So I can work @ THD during summer when I don't have school at all and when I'm on long breaks from school. Winter break, maybe Spring Break, long weekends. I doubt that last one. But @ least I'm there @ all, right? It just makes me mad because they should be glad to have another employee because I'm an honest and hardworking person, and I'll do a damn good job while I'm there. As long as I'm getting paid. I just can't wait to get my first good pay check and finally realize that all of the bullshit is almost worth it. I'm going to bed early tonight, and I have to be back there again @ 8am tomorrow, so I need my sleep if I'm going to brave the highway that early in the morning. At least I should miss rush hour in the morning. But the evening rush hour's going to suck. I need another way home or something. But I think I'm going to go relax for a while. I need a nice long, hot, relaxing shower, I'll wash my hair or something, and I'll just read a book for a while. Before bed. MMMMMM.....bed.
June 18, 2003:
So today must've been a better day because I'm not pissed right now. Even though I do still have a headache after working from 8am-5pm. But I digress. I'm tired as all Hell, but it's not a terrible tired. I mean, I feel like I truly worked today for the first time, and my feet hurt like Hell from standing all day...ALL DAY...to prove it. Not a whole lot of sitting going on around THD. So I'm hurting and tired and glad to be home at last. I tell you, Man, that last part of the day goes by SO SLOWLY!!!! I mean, the class is fucking boring enough. I mean, Jill and I had to switch roles as cashier and customer, like, a fucking dozen times to practice checking checks!!! It was TEDIOUS!!!! But I didn't feel so much like a baby today, I guess, and that's probably what made the day relatively better than yesterday. And I know a lot more about what I'm supposed to be doing and can do it faster and easier now, and I don't feel like I'm wasting customers' time while I learn. Jill thinks we'll be on our own at registers on Sun., but I think they changed our hours on Sun. from 6am-2pm to 8am-5pm. Unless we want to come in from 6-7am, leave until 9am, and come back from 9am-5pm. Yeah fucking right!! Like I'm going to leave after working for an hour JUST so I can be there for a meeting. Kelly's not even going to the meeting!! *LOL* I don't think so, Management. I was going to be happy to have my afternoon, but I guess I won't get that now. I have to make sure what my hours are so I can be there @ the right time and not get fired my 6th day on the job. That would suck big time!!!! So it's just me and Jill being trained in this whole big deal class we're taking, "Cashier College." She's a weird one, that Jill is. Her name's Bonnie, but she goes by Jill, which is her middle name. Everyone's sick, so she's just getting over bronchitis and doesn't get much sleep @ night before she comes into work, so she's really tired, I guess. She used to be a waitress, and A LOT of THD customers must've been customers of hers because she knows, like, EVERYONE. So she'll just wander away in the middle of class to say "hi" to someone she knows, and Stephanie, the person who's training us, will have to go get Jill because she's not in class. I guess Jill's house recently burned, too, which is really sad and unfortunate, and I feel bad for her having lost everything. She moved in w/her sister, I guess, and moved out of her exboyfriend's place because "she loved him, but she wasn�t in love w/him." So I guess I can try to relate. I mean, you can care for someone but not want to date them/marry them, etc. So I know what she means, I suppose. Jill's about my mom's age. A couple of years younger, I guess. And she's a nice enough person. She smiles and makes conversation, but it seems to me like the technology of cash registers and swiping credit cards is a little above her head sometimes. I mean, she knows this stuff because we go over it in class, but she'll freeze up and be really slow when we're actually training on a register. But I guess that being a waitress gave her the ppl skills to deal w/THD customers well enough. She REALLY doesn�t want to be a cashier, though. And she didn't apply to be one. She wants to be on the sales floor in 29 Plumbing. Note how I've already memorized the department numbers and names. *LOL* Always a stellar pupil. But I digress. So Jill applied to be on the sales floor, but there weren't any positions available, so they hired her as a cashier first, and after a 90-day period she'll be allowed to put in again to be on the floor. But she has to wait 90 days, and there aren't even 90 days left until I go back to school. So that's a long time to wait for her, but she tells me every day how much she can't wait to be on the floor and how many days are left until she can put in for it again. I think we're @ 84???? Who even knows except Jill? I, on the other hand, do not plan to be going out onto the sales floor. I'm using THD as a summer/vacation/break job to make some money when I'm not @ KU @ the front desk in Lehigh Hall making my money. THD NOR being a DR is a choice career for me, and I don't intend to make them careers. I'm going to be a HS English teacher, and that's why I'm going to school in the first place, and the jobs I have now are simply convenient and easy for me to do at this time. So I don't want any shit from any one about needing time off for family vacations if this is ONLY my summer job before I go back to KU. I just don't need the shit, so keep it. But I get to drive to work every day and listen to some really loud, hard, and fast music that makes the car's rearview mirror vibrate and its radio antenna wiggle [even when I'm @ a standstill @ a traffic light]. *LOL* I like my music like I like my sex. *ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!* Don't think too hard about it. Just let it come to you, okay? But I'm so tired that I think it might be time for bed already!!!! Holy crap!!!! Me? Going to bed THIS early???? You've got to be kidding!!!
June 19, 2003:
Today is one of my two days off this week. And I slept until almost 2pm. But @ least I'm rested, and I don't have a headache or feel like shit today. And when I work tomorrow I get paid, so it's all good. I don't really have much to write about today, I guess. Nothing much really happened. I'm watching Saturday Night Fever on VH1, though. I love that movie!! And I had a dream again last night. I've been having a lot of dreams lately, and I don't know why that is. I mean, like, one or two almost every night now. And they're always weird. Of course, I guess dreams tend to be weird, don't they? Last night's was about some prom/formal or something, even though it didn't look like anything I've ever gone to, so I don't know where I got the idea from or anything. But I don't have a clue what it was for either because ppl were there that have no connection together that I know of, so it was a weird mix of ppl. It was just strange, and I don't remember much because I didn't have a notebook handy when I woke up to write it all down in. I've forgotten most of the dream, but I guess it wasn't really that important, anyway. I didn't think much of it when I woke up. I'm thinking about calling my Christopher tonight because I miss him. I just really want to talk to him about work and everything, but I was also going to write him a letter about it, and calling him to tell him about it would defeat the purpose of writing him a letter about it. So I don't know if I'll call him tonight or just write him a letter instead. I mean, the whole thing about retelling a story in a letter that I called him about has never stopped me from calling him before. *LOL* So whatever. I don't know. I've been looking for stuff to decorate his room this year, and I have a little throw rug that's blue and gold, his frat. colors. And he's doing his room in blue this year. Just different blues. So it'll go w/the scheme well, I think. And the blue in the rug isn't just one blue. There are different blues in the rug w/the one yellow, and there's, like, a white or an off-white color. Maybe a beige. Not quite a beige. More of an off-white. It's really cool, though. I really like it, so I hope Chris does, too. I told him I was looking for stuff to decorate. *LOL* And I had this candle called Rainbow's End here @ home. It was just sitting in my room, and I have so many candles. But it's also just perfect for Chris, so I'll take that for his room, even though candles are illegal. *LOL* And so far I just have one more thing, but it's a surprise, so I can't tell you what it is here because Chris might find out. *LOL* Have to keep it a secret. But I have to go call my mom. She called twice yesterday, and I didn't get her calls on my cell, so I have to call her back, and I should probably clean up the kitchen before Dad gets home from work. He'll be pissed if it's not cleaned up because it's a mess right now, and he doesn't want to come home to that shit. I wouldn't either, actually. Plus, I just want to finish watching my movie and read a little and write to Chris. Just in case I don't call him later. *LOL* So I'll catch you later.
June 20, 2003:
I guess I've been writing a lot more w/my computer in my room here @ Dad's. So I finished "Cashier College" today and passed the test, so I'll be on my own @ a register on Sun. when I work next. I'm so glad I have off tomorrow. I got my first pay check today, too, so that was a good thing. I never did get to talk to Chris last night, so I'm going to try again tonight and tomorrow night and every night until I get to talk to him because his family really sucks right now, and he's not enjoying being home for the summer one bit because they're being such jerks to him all the time. I wish more than anything that I could do something to save him, and I told him that he can visit me up here anytime at all, and he knows that I'd love to have him stay w/me for the remainder of the summer...FOR SERIOUS...so I hope he feels like he can take me up on that offer and packs his stuff. I'd honestly love to have him around because I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!! I seriously don't do anything around here because everyone I know from HS is either working or going to school this summer or has other ppl to hang out w/and isn't around to get together w/me. So I'm just here @ home and pretty bored most of the time. I watch a lot of movies and read a lot. I've gotten through nearly four books in about a little over a month since I've been home from school. So I'm a mad reading machine. Choke, Fight Club, and a couple of those Chicken Soup books, and I'm going to start Salem Witch Trials soon. That's the next book for J/K Book Club that James and I are going to read. We still have to watch Fight Club, the movie, I mean. And we have to read Chuck Palaniuk's other books and compare them all to each other. I think there are a total of five, including Choke and Fight Club. We still have to read Lullaby, Survivor, and Invisible Monsters. He's written some nonfiction stuff, too, but I don't think they're books, so we're just going to read the five books he has. I guess I could look him up online, too, so maybe I could find some other stuff. So there's a lot on the way for J/K Book Club. Check out my subprofile for more information about it. I made a subpage for it, and the books that we read are listed w/the titles, authors, and just little tidbits about the book or the author for each one. So it's kind of cool that we're doing this thing for ourselves. I'm really enjoying it, even though it might be dorky to start your own book club w/your cousin and read books purposely for discussion. So what? Salem Witch Trials is going to be our fourth book, so that's exciting. I'm actually really surprised that we kept this thing up for this long because we tried playing Chess through snail mail, and that didn't last very long. And we started sending riddles in our letters, but we didn't really dig that for too long, so it just faded away. But this thing is really staying alive for a long time now. My goal is to not own any book that I haven't read, and I'm serious about that. It's a goal of mine. As is being in each and every state at least once in my lifetime. Maybe seeing all seven Wonders, etc. So I'm starting to give my life some meaning. Not that everything until now has been completely meaningless, but I'm really starting to shape who I want to be. Not that I know who that is yet. But I'm starting to find out. I didn't do much this first year in college compared to everyone else, and they joined fraternities and organizations/groups they were interested in, and I just went to class and made sure to try to get good grades. Sure, my QPA's above a 3.5, but I didn't do anything really. So I want to try to get into that and have a better year this year, and I'll be a happier person. But I got a lot out of my college experience this past year emotionally, I think. I met a lot of new ppl who I love dearly, and they're my closest friends. Chris truly is my best friend, and I love him to death. He really is my soulmate, and he's taught me so much this past year. I hope our friendship continues for the rest of our lives and beyond. We're starting sophomore books for this year, and we're going to put each other's letters in them, our class schedules, and it'll be like a journal. All of our experiences from our sophomore year. It's going to be awesome, and I can't wait to start. I'm so excited about being a DR, and Chris is going to be a CA and have his own room. That'll be awesome!!!!!! I just had a thought that really shocked me. The Losers Club already lost Megan first semester. Alex left. Katie left. Who else? I'm not sure, but I just thought about that and about how they told us @ orientation or whatever that only 1 out of every 3 of us sitting in that room would graduate from KU after starting there. And I just wondered how many of the ppl I know and am closest friends w/now are going to be there w/me @ graduation, standing there w/me and graduation w/me like we all started? How many are going to be left of the Losers Club at the very end of it all? That's a scary thought, and I really am curious to see what happens in the years to come and how many of us graduate together. There were originally seven of us, so maybe we'll only graduate w/2 or 3!!!!! And out of me, Abby, and Alex...well, Alex left already, so me or Abby's going to leave next. I don't know about that. I doubt either of us will leave. But we'll see. I know I'm not planning on it. But I digress. Anyway, it's a rainy and pretty nice Fri. night, so I'm just going to hang out @ home, not go out, watch The Object Of My Affection, maybe read a little bit. I don't have work tomorrow, so maybe I'll stay up later, and Kyle's not here, so I can go online and catch up w/ppl I haven't been able to talk to lately since I've been working. It'll be a nice, quiet night, and maybe I'll call Chris.
June 23, 2003:
So a lot has happened since I last wrote. Well, I've been writing this whole time on my computer upstairs, but I haven't transferred the journal entries to a floppy and brought them to this computer yet. But there are more between then and now, so you should c'mon back and check out the updates, and you might understand this entry better. But you shouldn't be too behind because I think I was just talking about work, anyway. And it's my bad if you're behind, anyway, because I should really put the entries in Thinking Aloud in the order I write them, but I'm sorry for this time. It'll never happen again. But I digress. I've been working @ The Home Depot, and it's really working out okay. I mean, I'm getting paid well (MUCH better than @ Burger King for sure!!!!!!!), and the job isn't difficult. I mean, it's challenging enough because there's a hell of a lot to know, but it's not too difficult so it's over my head, and I can't do it or anything like that. And the ppl are generally nice all around. I actually think I might have a crush, or at least be getting one, on this one guy, Doug. He's a cashier, too, and he's so nice. He's just a really cool, laid-back, easy-going, talkative guy. He's really fun to be around, so it's just awesome being around him. As I repeat myself and say what I already said. *LOL* Today was a longass day, but it was good because I knew I was makin' the money, and Doug was there for me to talk to for a few minutes between customers. It's all good. He's like, "So when am I gonna get your phone number?" But I didn't know if he was just being his cool self and playin' around or asking me for serious, so I just said, "Anytime." And if he asks me again, then I'll definitely give it to him. *grins* That way I know he's not playing around because he actually asked me a second time. Sometimes I'm so dorky and analytical that I scare myself with this thinking stuff. But I have to write to Chris and tell him all about it. It's so fun to maybe almost kinda have a crush on someone. I see definite potential for at least a good friendship by the end of this summer. He actually hangs around or just comes over to my register for the sole purpose of talking to me. So that's a very good sign indeed. Anyway, enough of my life. *LOL* Just kidding!!!! Actually, I am really tired, so I think I'm going to bed now. Night!!!!!!!!!!!
June 25, 2003:
So I'm really sad. Let's just face facts and fess up that I'm sad straight up, so you know what to expect out of me tonight. And now I've started to cry. Great. Now we're all in for it. "...I hope I love you all my life..." Daniel Bedingfield. So I haven't been able to get to my love and soulmate/"husband"/gay, black boyfriend/Sweetie/Hunny Bunny/Brown Suga in forever. But I finally got to talk to him yesterday. AND HIS FUCKING PARENTS HAVEN'T BEEN TELLING HIM THAT I'VE BEEN CALLING!!!!!! IN FACT, NO ONE'S EVEN BEEN PICKING UP THE PHONE @ HIS HOUSE THIS WHOLE WEEK.........EXCEPT FOR YESTERDAY...AND THAT'S SO FUCKING RANDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!! So Chris found out FROM HIS LITTLE BROTHER!!!!!! That I've been calling this whole time. And that his parents keep everything from him. And that's the ENTIRE REASON why I haven't been able to talk to the ONE PERSON IN THIS WORLD OF MISSING SCHOOL AND NOT HAVING FRIENDS AROUND HERE @ FUCKING HOME FOR THE SUMMER!!!!!! He's just the one person who can be there for me no matter what, and he honestly and truly does know EVERYTHING......I mean, for serious, EVERY LITTLE THING...about me and my entire life. If anyone wanted anything on me to really hit me HARD w/, then Chris'd be the soulmate to get the dirt from. I'm the fucking Grace to his Will, for Christ's sake!!!!!!!!! It's like fucking Romeo and Juliet the way his parents are acting toward him, and I wouldn't be surprised if they'd just not give him letters I send because they're hiding everything from him. So now he's ALSO the Romeo to my Juliet. It just makes me so sad. I told him that I'll call him tomorrow THE SECOND I get home from my appointment w/the specialist about my gall bladder. Because I bet that if I didn't tell him when I'm going to call, then he'd never get to talk to me because he wouldn't know to pick up the phone when he KNOWS it's me. For fucking serious, last week when I was calling and calling and calling forever more than twice a day and looking for Chris, and no one was picking up the phone........Chris heard OUR SONG!!!!!! ON THE RADIO EVERY DAMN DAY LAST WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! And he wrote in one of his most recent letters about maybe it's a sign of something. Is it a sign? What does it mean? IT MEANT I WAS TRYING TO GET TO HIM!!!! Now if that's not a fucking true and for serious soulmate...I don't know WTF is then. Why does my REAL soulmate have to be GAY????????????? Why????????????????????????? I just can't get over how angry I am @ everything that's going on right now. It's amazing to me that I'd every be this angry, but abso-FUCKING-lutely NOTHING is going to keep me from my soulmate!!!! That's total bullshit what his parents are pulling on him. And me, for that matter. Because I'm on the other end of it, too. I'm going to be there when he calls me and asks me to come and get him because he wants to get out and come and stay w/me for the rest of the summer. I'll be all, "PACK YOUR SHIT, MY LOVE!!!" And I'll be in Sharon Hill, and I'll bring him home myself if I have to. If that's what it takes to save him, then there I already am. I just want to save my Prince Charming. LOL, because he's my Prince Charming, too. We have a lot of nicknames. I don't even know how to say everything I want to say right now. I mean, I really want to speak my mind, but I'm also afraid of what I could do if I let loose. I mean, I was going to talk about how I got this e-mail from Johnathan randomly about the gall bladder attack I had at the beginning of the month. He just read Thinking Aloud and found out about it, and he e-mailed me about how he was "shocked" and gave me this advice about what's good for me. I mean, I feel like I should be glad that he's concerned, and I suppose I am. But didn't we decide that we've grown apart? And didn't he agree w/me that we should cut bait and just leave w/o hard feelings? I mean, he obviously hurt me, and he knows that, and there ARE hard feelings, anyway, because of that hurt. So I wasn't able to just leave w/o hard feelings. It's impossible for me to do that if it's not right in my heart. That's just not me. And I can't believe I've waited this long to say anything about it at all. I mean, I've been just trying my hardest to just not speak to him at all. I figure that if he doesn't want to be friends because we've grown apart so drastically and everything else, then we shouldn't be in each other's lives. THAT is the entire reason why I practically wiped out my site. I took away his pictures, poems, guestbook entries, everything. Because that's what cutting bait means to me. When you cut bait......you just get out. You just leave. You just get rid of it. So I cut bait. No more letters, pictures, etc. I haven't e-mailed him or IMed him except for once about his celtic cross because he e-mailed me about that, too. Cutting bait is the entire reason I changed my SN. Because celticLE1983 is almost all about Johnathan. The only part that isn't is the year I was born. Now it's all my own. And I pretty much ruined what I thought I was able to do by IMing him about the cross, anyway, so I fucked up. Maybe I just never let things go. I mean, I try so hard. I honestly do try to just erase it. Let it go. Get over it ASAP. Move on. Leave it behind. But you can't just erase memories. And him e-mailing me now about his concern just brings back that we used to be such close "best" friends. How did that get lost? I still don't understand why he thinks we drifted apart. I mean, not that I don't think we did. Don't get me wrong. I know now that we have. We're too different to be friends anymore. And maybe that means that I'm getting over it now. Maybe knowing that makes me better off than I was at the beginning of this. So I'm fine w/everything. I really am, and I'm living, and everything's okay in my world. I have a good summer job, a steady job waiting @ school, friends who love me, and I love them, and I have Chris to make anything that fails seem "A" okay for me again. He's the keystone when my world is crumbling that holds everything together and builds it back up again. I honestly believe I'd die w/o my Christopher Geoffrey Dickerson around to be the glue that holds my pieces together. But the weirdest thing happened yesterday. I was taking a shower and thinking about the vacation I have coming up this weekend, Sat. We're going to OC, MD, on Sat. until next Sat., and I'm going to love being there. I'll love feeling free from work, I'll write some postcards, take some pictures, have some fun in the sun (but not too much sun). And as I was thinking I remembered something so random......you won't believe it. The last time I was @ the beach (in fact, I think it was last summer when we went to the same place in OC, MD) I got that sandcastle for Johnathan.
