JULY 2003
July 2003
July 5, 2003:
So I just got home from OC, MD, and everything sucks already. The computer @ home is such a heaping load of horse shit and won't connect me to the Internet and let me check my e-mail [I'm sure I have plenty of fucking junk mail after being away for a week!], and Chris called, but he left a message on Kyle's answering machine, so I don't know when [not that it matters, though]. It doesn't matter when he called because I already know that it was sometime while I was gone. BUT HIS PARENTS WON'T LET HIM TALK TO ME, ANY-FUCKING-WAY!!!!!!! But I've called his house three times [unless I lost count] already since we got home, and we're only home not even two hours yet. So I think he's working, anyway, because no one picked up the phone, but I don't know where everyone is because I'd think that @ least his parents would pick up and tell me that he's not there. But I'll try back again later, maybe around 8pm [because he wrote to me once and timed the letter @ 7:40pm and said he had just gotten in from work]. Maybe his parents won't be able to tell me any lies this time. And if they tell me that he's busy, then I'm going to ask what he's so busy doing because I know Will's never too busy to talk to Grace. But about the beach trip. I had a decent time, and it was nice to not have anything to worry about except what to do that day when I woke up every morning. We beached it, boardwalked it, and mini-golfed it until we could take no more. Old Pro, a mini-golf chain down there in OC, MD, has seven different courses, so we did all seven in one day and called it a tournament. That was pretty cool, but Dad won, anyway. He always does, and he probably always will for the rest of my life. I sent just a few postcards, not many, only three. I guess the older I get, the less I'm into postcards. So I only wrote them out to the people I promised I would: Josh, Chris, and Courtney. And I was writing, writing, writing to Chris the entire time. I just kept going in one big letter and put the date on the new part if the date changed before I wrote again. I ended up sending him 30 pages of a letter from OC, MD. So he'll love it because it seriously [FOR SERIOUS] has been a while since I sent some letters to my love in Sharon Hill. I think I had one from June 11th in there!!!!! So he would have every right to be pissed for not getting letters from me. I really do slack off on that sometimes. But he'll get them now, and I just hope his parents aren't assholes so big that they'll read his mail, too. Sounds like something they'd do, though, so I just hope not because I wrote some pretty nasty stuff about them keeping me from talking to Chris and exactly what I think and feel about it. But since I can't get online, I can't IM anyone, I can't check my e-mail [and I know Chris e-mailed me because his latest letter says so], and I can't work on my site [so this is just sitting in my Word on my computer as I write this until I can transfer it because I can't just stop writing because the house computer doesn't let me!]�and Chris said that he signed my guestbook, too, so I can't check that out, anyway, without the Internet. What a technology-reliant fool I am! Where am I without the Internet and a cell phone???????? NOWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!! Sitting @ home reading or watching movies/TV or working. That's where. Well, that's where I am, anyway, only I can also be online or talking on my cell phone. So I guess the technology doesn't really do much for me after all. Good. I guess I haven't talked about going to see the "specialist" about my gall bladder/stones, have I? Well, the "specialist" is the surgeon who's going to be slicing me open like a Christmas ham. And that scares me just a little bit. Okay, actually I'm TERRIFIED of this surgery. Well, no. Not of the surgery itself. I'm TERRIFIED of something going wrong during the surgery, and I'm not really ready to DIE yet. The surgery that's supposed to happen involves making 4-5 SMALL incisions and simply sucking out my 3-inch-long gall bladder, no biggie, small scars [even though I'm not worried about scars because my scars are going to be called "battle wounds"!], so the surgery isn't a big deal and doesn't scare me. However�if something goes wrong with the regular surgery�like if the idiot surgeon cuts the wrong thing, etc., then�well, then he'll have to slice open my entire abdomen and perform a "traditional" [outdated, old school, ancient, replaced by technological advances] surgery. Which DEFEATS THE ENTIRE PURPOSE of doing this thing with 4-5 small incisions!!!!!!! If I get sliced open from end to end�then there's a longer recovery time, a MUCH larger "battle wound" [one BIG one from my boobs to my belly button], and more pain. Whereas w/the normal, everything-goes-well surgery I get a recovery time of a few days-two weeks to be fine again, and [obviously] less scarage and less pain [I'd assume this because there's less cutting me open in the best case scenario!]. So what should I do now? I've already decided that I need to have the surgery. That is perfectly clear because I don't want to worry about having more attacks and maybe something worse happening. Because if I don't have the surgery, then the smaller stone I have could slip into a wrong tube somewhere in there, and I could get something much worse than gall stones and some pain/a hospital visit. I could need my pancreas removed [DIABETES MUCH??????] or my liver could be affected, and I could even get jaundice from that. So I need to have the entire gall bladder removed. One thing has been decided already. Now�when? Because I can't decide who to go to because Dr. Gilbert [my Dr.] referred me to this surgeon. So all that's left is "When?" because along w/the surgeon I get where as well. Probably St. Luke's in Allentown. And "How?" [obviously, DUH!] has also been decided FOR ME! So my question to myself is simply "When?" I reeeeeeaaaaaaalllyyyy need to talk to Chris! *tear* I need to see what he thinks because I've gotten the opinions of everyone except someone I'd really listen to: Dr. Gilbert, the surgeon [Dr. Toselli], my parents, my dad's best friend [Todd]. He does this for a living. The surgery, I mean. He's a surgeon, too. And if I had a choice, then I'd actually go to Todd to perform my surgery. And everyone's been saying, "GET IT OUT NOW!!!!!!!!" while I still don't see the immediate danger in it if I want to wait until December. Winter break from KU. I have three weeks to have the surgery and recover and go back to school all better. And maybe Chris could be w/me over break [even though I doubt it strongly]. I just want to wait. I'm not ready and think it will be okay until December because I don't want to do it right now. The earliest I can do it is Aug. 4th, RIGHT after my second vacation [w/Mom to VA] and RIGHT before school [I'm back for staff training on Aug. 14th!], so it's a little cramped. Plus, Bon Jovi [IN THEIR HOME FUCKING STATE!!!!!!] is Aug. 8th, and I'd never be able to go if I get the surgery on the 4th. After the tickets were $77 [$87.40 if I include the "convenience charge"] EACH!!! And I'm supposed to be going w/Alex. I've been looking forward to seeing this concert in Aug. since I got the advance tickets in, like, February!!!! So I don't want to give that up for myself. It's something just for me, my 2nd concert out by myself w/Alex ever. And I'd actually get to drive! The 1st concert I went to w/friends and w/o a parent/guidance/supervision/security was the 1st Bon Jovi concert I saw in 2001! I haven't been to a concert since then! So I really don't want the surgery at the 1st possible chance. And I guess it's not so much that I'm scared because the surgery's inevitable, and I should be afraid of what I can't do anything about. So I'm not scared of the surgery. I just have WAY too much going on in August to do the surgery, too. I need to wait until December. Vacation/work/Bon Jovi/school. Definitely stuff to do out the ass in August. Of course, there's a downside to waiting until December�what if I have another attack while I'm at school? What if waiting until December gives the stones time to move where they're not meant to be and gives me something worse to deal w/than gall stones? And Dad asked me, "What if your friends want to do something, maybe a skiing trip, over winter break? You can�t go because you�re getting your surgery." Good point. But that's not as much of a problem for me. Basically, what if I miss out on something great because I waited until December? So the only question seems to be "What if�?" then. And I can't answer "What if?" because I don't freakin' know! I honestly tell you, though, that if it wasn't for that damn Bon Jovi concert�then I'd probably do it in August. I just don't want to miss that concert. But I could come home after vacation, have the surgery, and be fine to go back to school in the ten days after my surgery. I only need a few days-two weeks, so I'd be practically good as new by the time I went back to school. It's just that fucking concert RIGHT in the middle of that ten days that's stopping me. It's only four days after my surgery, so I probably couldn't go! Maybe. I need to talk to Chris and my parents and Dr. Toselli [the surgeon] about that. So that's the deciding factor then. Well, let's see what happens w/that then. Plus, I have to go to the dentist on Thurs.! *sadness* And I haven't been to a dentist in, like, at least a year! *fear of cavities* So I guess I have to suck it up [literally] because I called Mom to make the appointment. It's all my choice because I know I need to go. WTF am I thinking???????? Maybe I'm just trying to grow up.
July 6, 2003:
I talked to Chris tonight, but he was only allowed to talk for a few minutes, and the entire phone call lasted less than ten minutes. *tear* But I guess I should be feeling lucky that I got to talk to him at all, right? So I feel lucky for hearing his voice at all. I haven't heard my love's voice in a long time. The past month has been Hell for us, him especially (obviously). I don't have to live in his house. W/his parents. I still just want to save him. The only thing I want in this world is to never let him feel any pain or sadness. Nothing but happiness for the rest of his life. Well, without dispair we cannot appreciate success, but I would never let people hurt him. His parents, Matt, etc. It's just so unnecessary, isn't it? What are we all waiting around here for, anyway? I don't really understand why I'm even here. What am I supposed to do w/my life? W/myself? W/the gifts I have (if I ever find out what they are!)? I feel like I want to teach...but I've "wanted" to teach since I was too young to know what I wanted. Well, you're never too young for that. But you get the point. I was really young. So how do I know that childhood isn't just stupidity and fairy tales? How do I know that I'm going to be successful teaching? What if I fail/flop/bite the big one/totally suck/can't to my job well enough? What if I'm not supposed to be a teacher? How am I supposed to know now what I'm supposed to do until I'm in my 60s? And if I am supposed to teach, then am I getting the best training for the future? Am I going to an accredited school that's going to get me everything I want out of what it gives me? Or is there something better out there? Should I be going to school and getting trained/certified somewhere else? Where then? But I am EVERYTHING I am now FOR A REASON!!!!!!!! I'm going to KU for teacher certification FOR A REASON! I met my friends there FOR A REASON! EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a gall bladder attack and now need surgery for a reason, even though I don't know why this summer has to prove to be the most difficult of my life. Everything I've gone through before this has prepared me (as much as possible without killing me) for this point in time. And I know that. But I'm still so unsure. Why can't I go into every day KNOWING that I'm strong enough and that I'm prepared as I'm going to be for anything that comes my way????? Why do I feel 100 years old at hardly 20 (I'm still a fucking TEENAGER!)? I keep thinking that I grew up too fast, but growing up too fast also generally implies that a person knows things. I'm naive as the day I was born. But I'm wise enough to know that I'm naive! So what does that say for me???? So I think I'm starting to try to get my life together. But I'm finding it hard to know where to begin. I mean, I'm trying to get rid of EVERYTHING I don't need in my life. But who's to say what I'll need later on? I don't know if something I couldn't give a shit about now might be something that's vital later! So where do I begin????????? I'm having some serious trouble w/this all of a sudden when I never asked these questions or had trouble before. I'm terrified of the future, and I don't know what's coming next, but there's no way for me to stop it. So I'm stuck here, and I'm still afraid. I'm still a teenager, a mere child, but I'm also a 20-year-old college student on the verge of graduating to a CAREER that I don't know if I'll be any good at. Three years is NOT a long time from now. But everything points to teaching. Maybe I do know what I'm doing. But how can I know? It's not like I've checked out other options or anything. I haven't tried majoring in anything else. So how do I know that teaching's the ONLY field for me? I don't know what to do. I'm truly lost/empty/a blank slate/clay to be molded/a wandering and confused little girl. And I don't know what to do. And I'm alone in my not knowing. Because without communication and the sharing of ideas/opinions/secrets/theories I have no other counsel than myself. And we're back at square one.
July 14, 2003:
So I totally have a date.......like, for serious, a real date. As in Doug asked me for my digits, then called me, and we made plans to actually go out. We're going on our 1st date on Thurs. [and he's actually calling it our 1st date!!], and I'm pretty damn excited about it right now. I mean, he asked for my phone number on Fri. and totally utilized the so-called "3-day rule" by calling me today, and we're both off on Thurs., so we're going out, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm going to see him at work until then, but that's definitely not a problem. He's really sweet, too, and he seems like a nice guy, which is what I'm looking for, of course. I love the nice guys [and I don't know why they always say that nice guys finish last....]! But I digress. And I should probably tell you a little about Doug, right? It's only the right thing to do. And if my life were a sitcom, then you'd know all that cool stuff, LOL! So Doug A. [he didn't tell me what the "A" stands for yet] Davis is 18, he's going to LCCC and majoring in German [which he speaks very well], and he would go to KU because he has a $1,500 scholarship, but KU doesn't offer German as a major. *tear* But he's intelligent, so I can actually talk to him on a human level and carry on real conversations w/him because he possesses the ability to communicate. And we at least have that in common-neither of us can stand the everyday stupidity of people in general. *LOL* So he keeps asking me when we're going to get married. I think it's cute and funny because we're obviously not going to get married anytime soon [hence the going to school and being 18 and 19 years old...not that people don't get married at our ages, mind you], but he called tonight to make the plans for Thurs., and he's like, "...so when we get married next week...", LOL!! So now we're moving to the Shenandoah [spell checker, please??] Valley, living in a log cabin, and having "woods babies" [as Doug called them]. We're only going on this date because I told him that we have to go out before we get married, LOL, but I really do hope we're just kidding around. *nervous face* But Doug's a cool guy. He's a nice guy, funny [obviously], and he's sweet, so I'm really into this date thing. Plus, I don't have to be aggressive this time!!!!!!!!!! I'm not the cat, but I get to be the mouse. I'm most excited about that because I'm usually the aggressive one. But he called me tonight, and he even made the plans. Once we decided on the old school, back in the day [like, the '80s-he's totally into the '80s, Dude!!!!!!] type of date he said I should meet him at Red Robin on Tilghman Street, and we're doing a movie @ Tilghman 8 afterward, and, Dude, OMG!!! He even gave me, like, a freakin time frame!! We're meeting for dinner @ 5pm, seeing the movie until no later than 10pm, and he's like, "You'll be back @ home by 10:30pm." How damn cool is that????? And I know my dad will DEFINITELY appreciate the timely return home, too. Plus, I have to wait ALL DAY to see Doug, so it'll be great to finally get to dinner. It's cool that he's so good at this dating stuff because I have no clue in this territory. So we're doing the traditional 1st date thing: dinner and a movie. And that's cool because we'll get to talk over dinner, and it's not like we won't be able to at all during the whole date. And I don't know what movie we're going to see, so we'll see about that maybe when we get there, maybe at work in the next couple of days until then. I don't know if he forgot that we have to pick a movie if we're going to see one or if he just wants to decide Thurs. night or what, so we'll see, I guess. The 1st phone conversation wasn't too bad either. There were the normal silences, which he pointed out by saying that the inventor of the telephone only took into account its convenience and not that you can't see the expressions of the person you're talking to like when you're talking to them in person, but it wasn't really that awkward, so that's encouraging, I think. It's not like we can't talk to each other. But it's a good thing I see him and work so much because he doesn't seem like a big phone person. I'm sure some couples spend their entire relationships talking on the phone, but if anything like that comes from this one date, then I'm sure we won't be like that, which is a good thing. But I'm definitely getting ahead of myself because our 1st date's still not until Thurs. I really feel like taking that entire thing I just typed and deleting it, but it wouldn't be a real journal if I did that, would it?? Have to be candid w/y'all, right? So I digress........but I'm really excited about Thursday, and Doug seems like a good guy, so I actually can't wait. LOL, I was totally waiting for him to call today just because he said he'd "probably" call me today and make plans, LOL, so way to be a dork and practically wait by the phone for someone you haven't even been on a 1st date w/yet, Loser. But he's just really cool, and he actually gives me hugs, Dude. He totally gives me hugs @ work!! You know what, I should really just stop babbling and go now because you're all going to think I'm retarded if I keep on like this about him and this 1st date like it's the most important day of my life, LOL. WTF, it's not like we're really getting married. [And just a side note, he totally knows that Thursday is named for the god Thor, the guy w/the hammer....apparently.....so I learned something new today!]
July 15, 2003:
So it's 12:37am, and I'm thinking about Doug because I wrote an e-mail to Chris about him calling me today just a few minutes ago. I told Chris about how he called me tonight after a perfectly utilizing the "3-day rule" and how he was so sweet on the phone and planned the date himself...IN SUCH A FASHION THAT IT WOULD DEFINITELY PLEASE MY DAD!!!!!!.....and I'm really hoping that this turns into something after this first date. As in I'm hoping there's a second, a third, etc., and continuing. I'm starting to like this guy, Doug. I mean, maybe even a relationship! Who knows?? I mean, Doug called me on my cell today, but he asked me if he was interrupting dinner, anyway. That's so damn cool. Followed up w/, "That's my biggest pet peeve." He's just a nice guy who's funny and sweet, and he gives me hugs and calls me "Sweetpea" and keeps asking me when we're getting married, and we pretend to pick out flooring, and he says we should buy the house this woman he knows at work was showing him the other night when she said that she's moving to Florida. And when he called me tonight he was like, "And when we get married next week" and talked about moving to the Shenandoah Valley and living in a log cabin and raising "woods children" [ROTFLMFAO!!!]...I mean, it's still a funny joke that we're going to get married next week [since I told him we needed to go out first, and we're going out this week], and I think it's cute that he says stuff like that and that he actually seems like an old-fashioned guy. He likes the '80s and everything! I mean, this whole thing is absolutely GRRRRRRREAT!!! And we're going for the '80s-style, old school, traditional date of dinner-and-a-movie, and I'd be willing to bet you anything right now that he won't try to kiss me on our first date just because it seems to me that he's like that and that he's nice and a gentleman like that. He'll probably hug me, and I'll drive back home being not kissed on the first date, even if we have the most fabulous time. That is just so awesome right there. "Wow" is all I can say to that.
July 17, 2003:
So I'm home from my 1st date w/Douglas A. Davis. We did the dinner-and-a-movie thing at Red Robin and Tilghman 8, and we saw 28 Days Later. We really should've seen Finding Nemo, LOL, because 28 Days Later was just weird, and I think it's an independent film or something because it was like someone's nightmare. But it was nice, and Doug was so sweet!!! He called me around 3:30pm just to let me know that there was an accident on 309 and that I'd have to take a different route to the restaurant, so I thought that was really nice of him, and it was a really thoughtful thing to do, calling me like that and everything. So I thought I was going to be late, but I got to Red Robin w/, like, a minute to spare, LOL, and I was driving too fast and tailgating people, like, the whole way to the restaurant. But I didn't want to be late because Doug would think I was standing him up, and that's the last thing I want. I mean, he even had asked me [although maybe joking] on the phone, "You're not going to stand me up, are you?" And, of course, I laughed a little and told him that I wasn't going to [of course not]. So we get to Red Robin, and we're walking in, and he's like, "I didn't know whether I should get you flowers or candy," and hands me a white paper bag......he gave me a chocolate rose! That's so, like, corny, but it's so sweet at the same time. And I love stuff like that, so I told him it was sweet and that he didn't have to give me anything [because he didn't, and I didn't expect him to do that, even though I was actually thinking how sweet and everything it'd be if he did, so it was just nice]. And I hugged him. So we go inside [Doug held the door on the way in] and get a table, ordered some hot wings as an appetizer and some burgers/fries, and we talked and ate, and it was nice. It was the typical 1st date thing, I guess, but he was asking me questions, and I didn't really know what to say [because, as many of you know, I have no opinion about anything, and my hobby is sleeping, which isn't exactly exciting], and it was probably like pulling teeth for poor Doug, but I was trying, and I answered his questions, I suppose, even though I was glad for the movie because that period of time while we were watching the movie didn't require talking/conversation. But we finished dinner earlier than expected, so we went across the parking lot to New York Ices and got some Italian ice [NY style!] and played some arcade games [YEAH, for The Addams Family pinball!!!] before we headed over to the theater. But while we were at New York Ices, Chris [my love] called my cell, but I ignored it [I KNOW!!!!], even though it's Chris, because I was on a date w/Doug, and I didn't want to be rude, and I guess I forgot to turn my phone off [shitgoddammitfuckhell]. Even though Doug said it'd be okay for me to answer it. But Chris left me a voicemail, so I'll be okay. And I called back after the date, even though it was late, but Chris's dad told me that Chris was sleeping. Of course, it was after 11pm when we left the theater to go home because we were just standing in the parking lot talking because I parked next to Doug [even though I would supposedly be home by 10:30pm, LOL!!]. So I hope Dad's not pissed that I got home late like that. But we saw 28 Days Later, even though we should've seen Finding Nemo, LOL, and because we got there early we played some of those arcade games. We saw the movie and talked in the parking lot until after 11pm because I guess we just didn't want to leave, and he said, "So do you want to do this again?" So I hope he was serious and really does want to go out again. Which would mean that I wasn't a total dork tonight and that he still likes me. And he was talking about what rumors would be flying at work after tonight, LOL. But I kind of got mad at that because what is it any of anyone else's business if I go out w/Doug? So what if I like Doug? And I'm sure that there are plenty of other things that are a lot "worse" than me and Doug dating at The Home Depot. It happens in any workplace!!! Doug knows there are other people doing "worse" stuff, and why don't people talk about that shit?? Leave me and Doug alone!!!! So maybe there's potential for this relationship, and I hope that we start dating and maybe he'll be my boyfriend......so fucking what, The Home Depot??? My life is my life, my business, my decisions, and no one is going to tell me otherwise or that I can't date Doug because we work together AND in the same department!!!! So we realized it was late and that we had to go, but he hugged me [even though I wanted him to kiss me!!!!], and we left, but as I pulled away I blew him a kiss. I don't know. I mean, I'm thinking about kissing him tomorrow night [tonight because it's 2:30am] after we both close at work from 1:30-10:30pm. So we'll see what happens, but maybe we'll go on a second date, and I'll wait until then. I just really don't want to, that's all. I was hoping I'd get a kiss tonight, but now I have to wait even longer, and that's what makes me just want to kiss him more. Because I have to wait. Probably until our 2nd date. But I think Chris would be proud of the way it went tonight. So I have to talk to him about it, and I can't wait for him to come up and stay w/me this summer finally because he's allowed now. So we just need to make the plans for him to come up and for me to go down there and get him and his stuff. But this tired chica needs some sleep right now. I didn't even take my contacts out yet. So I should probably do that and get some sleep because I have work today!!!!! Good night!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 20, 2003:
So I still have to tell you about the famed [now it is...LOL!!] first date. Wait, hang on. *reads back* Okay, not really. So I have to tell you about the "aftermath" of the date, which isn't really "aftermath" as much as it's "afterglow" because "aftermath" is bad while "afterglow" is good. But I'm a dork, anyway, so who cares? So the "afterglow" has been good. I'm Doug's pumpkin pie, according to Louisa [who called me that yesterday instead of using my name...she said, "Hey, Doug's pumpkin pie"!!...LOL..], and I'm happy w/that. He calls me Lovebug [and Chris's patented "my love" and "Sweetpea"....hence, those names get quotation marks!!] and pretty much anything else he thinks of, which is really cool. And we were talking after work in the parking lot of The Home Depot [of all places...ain't that a surprise??], and he was talking about seeing me maybe two or three more times before I'm back at school, if that, and I was really into the entire thing because he seriously [for SERIOUS] seems like he's into this whole dating me thing. I mean, I feel like he really does like me because he's talking about future plans here. And he was talking/joking about when I'm back at school, and he'll visit me and actually get to be in my room [and that I shouldn't tell Kelly because she'd kill him, ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!] because Kelly always tells him what he can't do. Even though I'm not Kelly, and I might want Doug to ignore Kelly [just this once, of course...*winks*]. So this thing still has some serious potential going on. Maybe more than before now that we got to hang out once and still both want to do it again!! So I'm totally into it, and Chris gives me the Soulmate Stamp of Approval [SSA], so I'm clear to "GO!!" on green!!! WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!! Oh, and at work last night when it was time to leave the parking lot and go home because it was getting to be that time again, I made Doug hug me again, and kissed him [just on the cheek, but I did it], and he's like, "I'M TELLING KELLY!!!" because I apparently made the first move. *LOL* Even though he probably won't tell Kelly, and I don't care if he does...
...So it's after work [way after], and today was a weird day, and I think I'm letting my paranoia get the better of me right about now. Or, like, all day. I mean, nothing's wrong w/Doug or anything, but I just feel.....I'm not sure. Maybe confused....or apprehensive. That's a really good word. I mean, I'm ready to date, and I want to be out there, and I want to be w/Doug and see what happens w/this whole thing right now. But I also don't want to get hurt because I've been hurt enough already. And I'm not exactly into the hurting over a guy deal right now. Or ever. So I don't need to get played by Doug or anyone, and I'm hoping Doug's for serious because I think I'm starting to like him. I mean, Chris called me yesterday, and I got really excited about talking to him about Doug on the phone and everything, and I told Chris what a great guy Doug is and everything, so I hope I didn't totally blow it by jinxing everything. I think it's just my paranoia or something because I seem to get like this a lot where I know I'm sad/pissed/upset/confused about something and can't quite put my finger on it, and I hate that shit because it makes it worse not knowing what's wrong when you know there's something wrong. But I haven't been able to see Doug much since our date because it's tough at work, of course, and we haven't been out a second time yet. I say "yet" because I'm really hoping we'll go out again. I mean, I don't remember much about yesterday. I think that was when Louisa called me "Doug's pumpkin pie," so yesterday must've been an okay day, I guess. Oh, yeah, I remember a little bit now. I remember thinking how it was pretty much a perfect day when I went on break, and everything was cool, and I was happy. Dammit, I was even whistling, I think. And I came back, and I think Doug left around 7pm or something like that, and I had to stay and close, and the night just dragged on and on, and I felt like I'd been there for 40 years of my life waiting to close. And, of course, I was the last register they decided to close up.....again. And this guy came through my line at fucking 9:57pm when THD closes at 10pm, and he bought one nut [as in bolt] and one "C"-shaped washer for a grand total of six cents. He paid w/a quarter, and I had to give him change at 9:57pm, three mins. before closing. Because I was the last register open. I was so tired/pissed off and just wanted to come home and crash, but, of course, I didn't. I stayed up and went online and was actually making the 1st part of this entry early this morning before I watched some TV and didn't go to bed until too late and woke up late this morning because of it. I didn't have time this morning to put Amos out, stop by a gas station on my way to work, and cash my paycheck this morning, so my paycheck was left uncashed again today, and I really do need the money right now because I'm so broke it's not even funny. I swear, though, I'm fucking starting bank accounts for my kids the day they're born. I'm going to put money in there and not let them even know they exist until they're in college because they're going to need that money then. And I'm going to give them that luxury of having that money already in the bank w/o them having to save it themselves. Even though they won't know I'm saving money for them, and they'll be saving money themselves, anyway, in their own bank accounts that they know they have w/their ATM cards and such. But the money I'm saving for them will be for college, etc., and they won't have a clue until they need it that it's there. So there you are. That's a plan. I'm going to set my kids up from the start. Literally the start. So work was dumb today because I didn't want to be there, but I got to see Doug long enough to tell him the 9:57pm "six cents" story because he just stopped by my register on his way to his 15 mins. break long enough to put his arm around my waist and give me a squeeze. And I got a hug when he left for the day because I was still there until 6pm when he was leaving before me. And he tells me, "I might call you," or "Maybe I'll call you," or something like that. He should just say, "Hey, why don't you wait by the phone for me to call because I might....but I might not....but I might....I haven't decided yet." Because that's exactly what I'm doing. Guys, NEVER tell a girl that you "might" call or anything like that because you'll make her wait by the phone, and you'll disappoint her if you decide not to call because she's so looking forward to it. Like, I'm hoping that maybe he'll call and ask me if I want to hang out again. Maybe even before I go on vacation. I mean, I have to tell him sometime that I can't be home on the 31st to go to Gayle's drag show w/him. Okay, so Gayle's this really cool lady, and she's a lesbian, and I guess her wife is going to be in this drag show or something, and Doug has off on the 31st and so wants to go, and I think that'd be mad crazy fun for serious!!!! But I'll be on vacation w/Mom in VA and visiting my senile grandmother. She's 83 now, I think. And my grandfather's dead since February, so we're going to keep grandma company on his birthday because we'll be so close while we're in Chincoteague. So I can't be home to hang out w/Doug and go to the drag show. But you know I'm going to ask him about it when I get back. So I don't know if the waiting for Doug thing is what's bothering me or what. I mean, I think that's it because I don't know if he's going to call or not, and I'm stuck here to wait by the phone in case he calls, which he might not even do, anyway. So I don't know. I mean, I don't know if he's still interested or what. And I'm a little afraid that he's not. And that I might already lose him when we just went on one date. I mean, that's so soon to have already lost him, you know?? So I want to hang out again, and I'm sure we'll have a good time again, and then I can kiss him good night this time. That's another thing. I'm wondering to myself, "If I don't kiss him soon, then is he going to lose interest, and am I going to lose him then?" Stuff like that. But if he's already lost interest, then I don't want to complicate things by kissing him and bring that whole deal into the picture if something's not right. So I just don't know yet. I mean, I really wanted to up until now, but I have to feel like everything's okay before I feel like the light's green to kiss him and bring that into the mix. I mean, when he visited me today he was just like, "What's goin' on, Woman?" And he always says that and calls me "Woman," so I'm cool, and he did hug me before he left, so I guess I shouldn't have anything to worry about, and Louisa has a boyfriend, so I don't really consider her to be a threat, and she's a cool person and everything, so I'm trying to get in w/the teenaged crowd at work. But I guess my paranoia's just acting up or something. I mean, I'm not jealous because he pays attention to other people. I've found out already that Doug's a social butterfly, and he talks to everyone, so maybe I shouldn't think that everything w/us is as serious and working out as it seems to be because.....oh, I don't know anymore. This whole being off but not knowing why thing makes me so tired anymore. I just hate it. So I think I'm going to go read and try not to think about Doug possibly calling me. It's getting later and later as I sit here and type, anyway, so he probably won't call me tonight, and I guess I might see him at work tomorrow, so maybe we'll get to talk a little more. I hope we actually are serious about hanging out again. Because the way he talks about it makes it seem to me like he's serious about starting a relationship. You know, a few more dates, he'll be at KU, and we'll see each other more easily. And it sounds like he's thinking into the future here. I mean, he won't be at KU until Spring!! So I really don't know what to think.
July 23, 2003
Okay, so everything's okay now w/Doug and everything. Always was. I was just making myself paranoid about things not working out when everything was fine, and I had [and have] nothing to worry about. Tonight was just great!! There was a huge, wicked storm again tonight. Maybe even more wicked than last night's storm. But I was working in garden [28], and the lightning started, and there was thunder, so Gwen [the one head cashier] closed me up in garden and closed garden, and I just went inside. But guess what!!! Doug totally stopped by work tonight, even though he was off!!!!!!!! And he totally got me off of work early!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And invited me to DVD night w/him and a couple of his friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They were also at THD w/him, so I got to meet them while they were there. Silvia [Sylvia??] and Jeff [????] are pretty cool people, too, so I had a lot of fun. But, anyway, I got to leave early and followed the directions Doug gave me to meet them at Giant/to get Chinese food. And I met them there after I left work maybe a half hour later. And we left to go to Jeff's [???] w/the food, and Doug went w/me because apparently Jeff drives fast, and Doug didn't think I'd be able to follow him, and Doug would be able to give me directions if he went w/me. Not that I was going to complain, of course.......but my car isn't exactly the cleanest, and I have junk on the floor, but Doug was like, "Who doesn't [have junk on the floor]?" So I was okay w/that. And I actually wasn't concerned about how I look tonight because all of us were soaking wet, so I was okay being relatively gross after making a mad dash for my car and just being gross because I was soaked head to toe. So Doug has now seen me when I'm gross, and it didn't matter, which is really, really cool. I mean, he hasn't seen me at my worst, of course, but I was pretty gross tonight, so he experienced it to a degree of bad. Anyway, I'm babbling again. So we hung out and ate Chinese food and watched Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back, and then we went for ice cream at Friendly's after the movie. It was nice to meet Doug's friends, and I had a really good time and laughed, and I just enjoyed the night and not closing at work and everything, and I guess me and Doug have to decide whether or not we're offically dating or what here. Because people keep asking me that question, and I've just been telling them that we've been on a date and sort of letting them decide what that means for themselves. *LOL* But tonight at work when Doug was visiting me the four of us were walking down to lumber [21] where I was going to cover someone's break before going home. And someone I don't think I know yet asked me if I was "really dating him," and I told her I was, so I don't know what's going on. I just don't know if one date is enough to be dating because "dating" to me suggests a relationship and being exclusively w/Doug. Which I wouldn't mind at all. *LOL* So we just have to figure out what we're telling everyone now. *LOL* Ah, the ol' rumor mill that is the workplace. But I am absolutely thrilled to death that Doug actually came to work on his day off!!!!!! That blows my mind, even if it wasn't just to see me, because I got out of work early, met Doug's friends, and got to hang out w/Doug tonight unexpectedly!! Tonight was great!!!!!!! So I think I'm really starting to like Doug, and I definitely wouldn't mind dating Doug exclusively. So I guess we'll see what happens from here. And I think he works tomorrow, but I don't know for sure because he could've been serious or just sarcastic when I asked him, and he said something like, "Nah, because you know I got two days in a row off." I hope he's working!!! :-D
