AUGUST 2003
August 2003
August 2, 2003:
I just got home from work tonight, and I got to see Doug there today. I felt like shit all day, though, so I wasn't exactly in a dancing-at-work mood whereas Doug's always upbeat and positive. I like that quality about him. He's a positive person, and he's not someone you'd find complaining about this, that, or the other very often. And when he does complain it's for good reason then. But I feel like I'm physically falling apart ever since I left school. First of all, there's the gallbladder thing, and I'm going into surgery soon. A week and a day left until I get sliced and feel helpless for two weeks because I can't do much of anything. Fun times ahead, Boy. I tell you what...Christ. But at least I'll have my love, Christopher Geoffrey, to help me out, and that means a lot. I'm reeeeaaaally happy that he's going to be here for my surgery. It means a lot that I can wake up and have him here w/me like that because I'll probably need some of his lovin' by the time I'm done. Secondly, I have a tooth or something that's really bothering me. It's not like I have a cavity or that it hurts. But I think my front teeth on the bottom are moving around because the one tooth is just trying to squeeze in where it's not going to fit and pushing stuff around like a big bully, and the moving around like that makes my mouth hurt. It sucks for serious. And I got an appointment w/the dentist in January because that was the only time they had available. WTF!!! That so not cool because I don't want to live w/this tooth thing until January, right? So I want to call them and tell them the tooth is bothering me, and they might get me an earlier appointment because it's a request to fix a problem. I sure hope they can get me in earlier. I mean, the one in January is just for a routine cleaning, anyway, because I haven't been to the dentist in, like, years. For serious...it's been a damn long ass time since I went to the dentist. On top of the long lasting shit...I've been hurting all week. Probably just because my body knows I can't have anything w/aspirin in it. Thins your blood, you know? So I can't have ANY aspirin two weeks before surgery. So what happens?? I can only have Tylenol, and I think my body's against me on this one. Because I needed some Tylenol Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.....for headaches. And last night for a headache. And that's all I'm allowed to have!!!!!!! I need some heavy aspirin shit, Man!! WTF!!! Give me some extra strength shit. I need, like, real aspirin...or some Excedrin...something real!!! But today I just felt, for lack of a better descriptive, off...it's definitely my stomach. Some digestive thing, I know. But it's not like I feel nauseous. And nothing really hurts like stomach cramps or food poisoning. I'm just off. And I feel weird. I feel like something's just not right w/my stomach. I don't know how else to describe it. I just feel wrong today. I just think I'm falling apart, and I know I sound like a fucking hypochondriac or something, but this for serious hasn't been my summer AT ALL!!!! I seriously think there must be something REAAALLLY wrong w/me that I just don�t know about yet and that I'm falling apart before I'm 20...it freaks me out. It just scares me. Not that all of this stuff can't be fixed, so maybe I'll be okay by the time I'm 20 in October. But there is some good news to be told. Doug's coming to work when I get off at 6:30pm tomorrow, and we're going to MusikFest!!!! WOO-HOO!!!! I just hope I don't feel like shit. And I don't want to be tired anymore, dammit!!!!! So I hope I'm okay to go out with Doug. Because I think tomorrow's THE date. I want to get my kiss tomorrow. :-D So I'm pretty excited to go out again. Plus, Bon Jovi's FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'M PICKING UP CHRIS TO STAY W/ME ON SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm almost done w/work and going back to school...this is the best part of my summer right here, Baby!!! WOO-HOO!!!!! It'll be mad crazy busy, and I'll be tired, but I'm ready to go back and get back into the swing of things again. I want to see everyone I met last year and see the Losers Club again...what's left of us, that is. Then there were FIVE!!! I can't wait until...well, tomorrow...but until I'm all better and feel 100% again and can actually have some fun again...
...Okay, I feel ready now, and I think it's time to get real and tell the whole story that I never wanted people to know about me. Well, I told plenty of people my woes, but the truth is I'd never let Johnathan know how much I cared about him. For so long I cared about him. And I never wrote anything here because I knew he'd be able to read it. And I didn't want him to. Either for fear of what he'd think of me or that our friendship wouldn't even have lasted as long as it did if I'd said anything about still loving him. Or at least I thought I did in the first place. I feel like I'm ready now, and I think it's okay now, because it's over. And because I finally don't have those feelings anymore. Those feelings I had for Johnathan died when our friendship did. The last time he came home he truly hurt me at my deepest center of balance. And simply because he was indifferent. About our friendship, seeing me again after not seeing me for over a year. Just indifferent, bored, unimpressed. And it hurt. The moment I watched him walk away from Mom's door when he dropped me off.....early......I just cried. It was all I could do. And I'm glad Chris was there because he's probably the one I needed. Even though I called Courtney, and she had me laughing in no time. She's good for that. I LOVE YOU, COURT!!!!! So maybe Johnathan wasn't love. But I damn well enough thought he was. And I cared about him with everything I had in me. Every fiber of my heart cared about him because I believed it was love at the time. And who knows? Maybe he was love after all. I'll probably never know. And I don't want to spend anymore time thinking about it and wondering if he was love or if I have yet to meet my first real love. But tonight's just a good night when I'm here and awake at 4:21am, and I feel like getting out everything here in Thinking Aloud just like I did in my written journals a long time ago. So what didn't I want him to know? Maybe I was too proud. Maybe I was afraid of what it would mean if I said anything. Maybe I was ashamed, but I know now that I shouldn't have been. Not that I should've spoken up. But maybe I could've been done with it sooner if I had. I believe it was a combination of everything I listed. Because love, whether fact or faux, fucks you up. That's the way it goes. Because it's love if you believe it is. So I guess that clears up my debate. So, yes. I cared about Johnathan long after he broke up with me the first time. And I should've never invited him back. Even though New Year was such a perfect time to get back together like that. That's a story for the kids.....I can't wait to write my memoir. But I was so hurt by how he broke up with me...ONLINE!!!.....when he was coming home in, like, two weeks [or even a little less than that] and could've [should've] done it to my face. He probably just didn't want to see me cry. But when you break up with a girl that's exactly what you get for it, and you're supposed to be forced to deal with that if you have to make her cry to get your freedom. So he broke up with me the first time online. He came home, and I must've been stupid to let him back into my life like that. So easily. Because I was hurt so badly. And vulnerable. So call the second time a rebound. That works for the lack of a better word to use. Even though I'm not so sure that's such a great word. Makes me sound like the basketball. And he left again because he's in the Navy, and that's what his job is. It's what he has to do. But not two weeks later!!!!!! He breaks up with me the second time. The second time via IMing me. Because what? He couldn't just break up with me when he was home and leave it at that? Because I was stupid to let him back in after he used the IMing the first time? Yes. And yes. And after Johnathan there wasn't anyone else until I went to college. I believe I was jaded by Johnathan [BTW, a GREAT title for my memoir!!!!] for that long. He broke up with me the second time in January [2002]. Actually, there still isn't anyone [maybe Doug soon!!!]. I just kissed Brian after I met him at KU that first month [August/September is one month at KU, according to bulletin boards and door decs.], and we never dated. So there still isn't anyone. And it's been what?? A year and a half??? From January until now it's been.......19 months.....OVER a year and a half!!! But to be fair to Johnathan....this month doesn't even count because it's only August 2nd, and I met Doug last month. Not that Doug's going to turn into anything [BUT I'M HOPING!!!!!], so call it exactly a year and a half because I'm able to do this here and now, so I must not be jaded anymore. I could feel like a hypocrite because I guess it took Chris a while to get over me, too. BUT.....I didn't turn around and fuck up Johnathan's web site just to satisfy myself and get my revenge. Because I cared about him for too long. And I'd never hurt him now, even though I don't care about him anymore. We're not even friends anymore. And until I find someone like my best friend in the whooooooole world who I'd do anything and everything for and never hesitate or bother to think twice about it, Christopher Geoffrey Dickerson, my love and life for the rest of it.....who will treat me like he does and be my best friend like he is.......now THAT is LOVE. In caps. LOVE. We're forever and unconditional. I feel lucky to have discovered the meaning of unconditional love being only 19 going on 20. And that's it right there. Chris is the only love I know. That is real and true love, and it'll never die. So the guy I find [or who finds me] who will be like another Chris to me....my best friend, my [FOR SERIOUS!!!] soulmate.....will be "the one." And I'll know it when I find it [or it finds me]. So I guess that contradicts the settlement to my debate from back there a little bit. You'll have to back up and read again. And I know that Johnathan's away on a trip right now. But he'll be back. And he just might read this. I can only hope. Because I'm finally free. Or at least I believe I am, and that's really all that matters to me. I don't want to be jaded anymore. I want to date, I want to find someone to love, and I want to feel that he loves me, too, and I want to feel like I have the right to do so without the fear of getting hurt again. Because who cares if you get hurt??? Just jump in and grab life by the horns [pardon the cliche], deal with it, get over it, and find someone else to love. Because every person you love will be loved by you more than the last person you loved [who you thought you loved more than you could ever love anyone else]. And I just want to say one last piece. Johnathan, thank you for teaching me this lesson. I could've learned it from someone else who I felt/thought/believed/perceived I loved as much as [or more than] you [although I just would've fallen harder], but I'm glad I learned this from you.
August 4, 2003:
*sigh* Gotta love the first kiss-ness of the night. It's already 1:09am, and I've been home for hours, but I can't help wondering if Doug's thinking about me, too, right now. So now I guess I have to backtrack for you guys, huh? LOL, okay, I'm sorry.....I'd just like to say that Doug never fails to impress me. He's been to Germany, Austria, France...that I know of and remember him telling me about.....maybe more places...AND he knows how to salsa!!!!! How damn fucking cool and impressive is that?? He's sweet, and he has a sense of humor, and he's intelligent like crazy!! He actually reads intellectual books. Classic stuff. We were in Moravian Bookstore tonight, and he was telling me about Adolf Hitler's autobiography. Like, WHAT???? And he's into Angela's Ashes right now, which is a memoir. So I'm reading it, too, and that's cool. That's so damn awesome.....and we totally think the same a lot. Great minds, haha...I love it! We even listen to the same radio. So we can stand to be in the same car together, LOL. And speaking of the same car....he's an excellent driver, too. He drove to MusikFest because parking would've been Hell w/two cars. So he came to work because he didn't work today and picked me up to go to MusikFest. It's great.....did I tell you guy that he dyed his hair blonde while I was on vacation in Chincoteague? Well, I guess I just did, right? Duh me. Yeah, it looks really good. :-D He's just fucking cool. That's just all. Fucking awesome. And I just think it's the best thing of all that he seems really serious about us. Like he really wants it to work. Like he's thinking longer term than just when our next date will be and what we're going to do, you know? Like, he talks about how I'll be closer to visit at school than I am at home right now and all that. And we were talking about what to do for Spring Break tonight. I asked him to go w/me and the Losers Club on Spring Break. And he had some really cool ideas for places to go rather than going to the beach in March. Like, WTF? Who does that? He suggested Boston. And I never even considered going further North!!! Way to think, Doug!! But seriously!! We were talking about Christmas....this stuff's far off yet. Well, not really once the time flies by. But it seems far off. I mean, our first date was almost a month ago already!! That's crazy!!!!! We're going to have to eat that chocolate rose soon. :-D That's what Kelly told me. We're supposed to eat it together on our one-month anniversary. Like, who made that up?? LOL....so I saved it. She says that it's like a married couple eating the wedding cake on their one-year anniversary. Doug always makes comments about us getting married, anyway, LOL, so I figured, "Why not just save the rose and do the thing?" He'll come over to me at work, put his arm around me, and ask the nearest co-worker, "Have you met my wife?" It cracks me up to see how they react! It's so fun!! He acts like he's serious, so I guess that's why it doesn't really get old when he asks me when we're getting married. He tells me he's buying me a huge rock, and we're already planning to honeymoon in Europe, LOL. I just go w/it. It's fun. So we're all done at MusikFest. We had some food. Shared a Belgium waffle, a Jamaican chicken wrap from the wraps place, and grabbed a Snapple. He loves Snapple lemon iced tea, too!!! And we checked out Main Street, the Moravian Bookstore, and got ice cream at The Confetti Cafe! That place is so fun, too!! And he took me back to work to get my car. Laid on the horn in the deserted parking lot, haha!! Just being stupid like that. But as long as it's fun. I used that word a lot tonight....."fun"...I try to not be the dork/retard/spaz that I know I am around Doug, but I guess it's going to come out no matter how much I try to be calm. At least a little bit. So I was going to take my car and go home, but before I got out of the car [because, like I said, tonight was the date, and I wanted to kiss him] I leaned over, and he kissed me on the cheek. Then the other one, LOL. So I didn't move because I was waiting for him to get it, right? I mean, I'm sure he wanted to but just didn't know if he was "supposed to" or something like that. Like, he didn't know if it was okay or what I'd think/do/say about it. But he got it and kissed me because I was waiting for it. He's so sweet, and it was just a little, short-but-sweet [as Hell!!] kiss. It made me happy. :-D And that's all that matters. So I was going to leave, but I kissed him again before I got out of the car, hehe. ;) It was just cute. So moving on, I guess....LOL........I'm so dorky, I swear. WTF...but at least I finally got my kiss. So I think I'll probably see Doug at work tomorrow [WOO-HOO!!!!!!....that one's for you, Chris!! *LOL*], and I'm happy and excited and totally, definitely looking forward to seeing him. I just want to hang out again, like, RIGHT NOW!!!!! *LOL* I'm definitely in like.
August 5, 2003:
I don't work today, and I miss Doug. :( [Author's note: WHAT A DORK!!] *LOL* Court wants to hang out today, and I have to make a trip to Dr. Toselli and the hospital. Pre-op. stuff, of course. And if I find a good enough excuse [which I know I won't] I could go visit Doug at work, but I don't want to be a stalker, so I probably won't go see him on my day off. I don't even know when he works. *LOL* But I'm just chillaxing right now. I had to wake up early to take Kyle to cross country practice, and I guess I just stayed up. But I guess I could get a lot done today if I decide to not be lazy on my day off. Because I'm off on Thursday, too, but I don't know if I'm seeing Doug that day, so I don't know how much I'll get done. Maybe I should run to the hospital before I see Court. But that's a long way to drive just to turn around and come back to pick her up.......I'll just take her w/me. She'll be cool w/that. I'm going to finish Reign Of Fire now. I fell asleep watching it last night [ah, just like the old days...]! So I'll be back later to babble some more. I've been writing a lot lately!
August 6, 2003:
I lied. My apologies. But for serious.....yesterday was just bad after I wrote that up there. I got Court, and we went to Best Buy, and I used my gift cards from MusikFest, and she got to see Destiny and everything, and it was all good. And she wanted to meet Doug, so we went to The Home Depot to see him on my day off, and I kinda felt like a stalker, but we were practically at the mall already when we were at Best Buy, so it's not like I had to drive that far to see him. And then Doug told me about how he was going to call me from work yesterday, but he picked up the phone and dialed "9" to get an outside line, and he dialed "610393...." and forgot the rest, I guess. But I don't have his phone number memorized either. They're in my cell phone phone book, and I have the paper where he first wrote them down, so I don't need to remember them really. But I told him the rest of the phone number for my cell phone [not that it mattered because I was there, you know?] and he said something about how he was hanging out w/Sylvia because she was leaving today [I'm assuming for school somewhere], and they were just going to go to the mall and hang out, I guess, and I don't know if Jeff was coming, too, or what, but they're "The Trio," so I would assume so. And everything was still all good at this point. And Doug asked if I wanted to go w/them. I guess that's why he was going to call me yesterday from work. And I said I would, and I thought he was going to call me later about it. Because he worked until 6pm, I believe, and said something about meeting at, I think, Macy's around 7-7:30pm-ish. But I also thought he said he'd call me, and that's what Court thought, too, so I don't think I was confused. But I can remember the conversation because he was like, "So I'll call you [and pointed to Court] then..." just being funny or something, and I was like, "...and she can bring Courtney [and pointed to myself].."....LOL. I could've sworn he was going to call me....so we were going back to Court's to watch Bringing Down The House, which we had rented. And we wanted to go to BK for food, and I was driving down Main Street in Slatington past the intersection w/this cool candy store where you can get really cheap candy for, like, a penny. And we were driving past where I'd turn if I was going home at the bridge, but I was going straight to go to BK in Walnutport. [Author's note: I know that you don't know what I'm talking about if you're not from around here...] But right past the would-be turn road....there was this police detour because of flooding or something, even though I didn't see any reason to block the road and surprise everyone like that.....there should've been signs or something, you know?? "Police Detour Ahead" or "Flooding Ahead" or something. But there's traffic, and it's backed up/moving slowly, and I'm on the brakes and coming to a stop...and I guess I was just talking to Court or something and looking at her, and I wasn't paying any attention to driving.....and I guess I didn't realize how close I was to the van in front of me......and I coasted/drifted RIGHT into the back of it!!!!! Smacked right into it........OMG!!!!!! I mean, everyone's fine, and the lady was so nice about it. She was like, "Accidents happen" and "It was just a little bump" and "Don't worry about it"...."It's okay"...."No big deal"..........she was so nice!!! And I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate that!!! Because I just wanted to cry....so the police came over and told us to park in the hardware store parking lot, and he took our information. So I have hers, she has mine. And said that we should call our insurance companies, etc., the whole deal. And I felt so bad because [even though no one was hurt] I guess I scared her little girl in a car seat, and I made her cry......I felt so bad...OMG.....so we got our food, which I had forgotten about...and went back to Court's. And I called my parents and told them the story, and I was surprised that Dad didn't rip me a new asshole. He was fine w/it. Well, as fine as a dad can be when his daughter just got into her first accident, you know?? As long as I'm okay, I guess, he's cool w/everything because the damage is on the car. My headlight's broken. Not the actual light but the plastic cover or whatever. No big deal there. And my grill on the front of my car is broken and knocked out like my car got punched in the face. And that looks pretty bad and nasty, but it's also just plastic. So that's not really a big deal either. It just looks worse than it is. But my hood's bent. That's what Dad told me. He couldn't get it open when I got home last night. And didn't want to for fear he wouldn't be able to get it closed again. I mean, the hood doesn't look bent if you just look at my car, but I guess something caught under there that has it tied down like that. So I'm hoping that's not a big deal either. Might be. And Dad doesn't know if I did any damage behind that, like, back deeper in the car. If anything's leaking, etc., he doesn't know. But the police told us that both cars are drivable. Dad just doesn't want me to drive more than I have to. I can drive to work. But that's about it. And Alex will have to drive to the concert on Friday, and I'll have to borrow Mom's car to pick up Chris on Saturday. I don't know. It just throws a wrench into the works [pardon the cliche] because I want to take my car to school this year and everything, and now what?? It's fucked up. So we're at Courtney's and watch the movie, etc., and eat....and Destiny calls, and it's sort of all okay again, but the movie's over around maybe 8:30pm, and Doug hasn't called me yet.....so I call his cell to see what's up, you know?? And his cell phone number's been "temporarily disconnected," so I guess he can't use his phone at all, which could be why he didn't call me. And do you remember how he didn't remember my cell phone number when we visited him earlier? He probably forgot my cell number and just couldn't call me then. I don't fucking know what happened, so I'm just speculating and trying to predict what he'll tell me when I ask him why he didn't call me last night.....so it might not be that at all...but I just didn't get to see him then, and I really wanted to, and now I have a story to tell him [since I was only away from work for maybe an hour [and a half?] when I had the accident, and I had just seen Doug when everything was fine, you know?? It's a good story to tell him. So Doug never called me, I didn't get to see him, I fucked up my car, and I have that headache to deal w/now. It was just a stupid day. No, it's been entirely a stupid summer, and I've been unhealthy, accident prone, and just depressed since I left school in May. I just don't like being at home. I like seeing the old HS gang and hanging out w/my friends here, but "home" isn't where I am anymore. I have nothing to do here but work all day or sleep when I have off from work, and I've just been bored without doing anything about it all summer long. I want to see my college people again because I miss them now because I haven't seen them all summer. I'm glad I was able to keep in touch, though, and I can't wait to see everyone back at KU. I'm just ready to get this surgery and go back to school to lay in bed and recover already. Just slice me open today because I don't give a shit anymore, and I'm totally ready. It just all makes me sad. So I think I just need to see Doug and make sure everything's okay. Make sure he wasn't just blowing me off last night or something.....which I doubt. He was making plans for maybe a drive-in movie on Thursday when I have off from work next. That's what I like about Doug, too.....he gives me a lot of reassurance. He was going to call me from work yesterday, which is sweet, and he's always talking about future plans, and he couldn't kiss me when I left because he was on the clock [THD frowns on that crap when you're in costume...LOL], even though I wanted a kiss, of course. But I just want to see him. I miss him when he's not around. *tear*
August 7, 2003:
Yeah, everything's fine. *LOL* So much for paranoia. Doug didn't call me because he didn't hang out w/Sylvia on Tuesday. He said he couldn't even find her! *LOL* So they did their thing yesterday [and I was working] before she left. And his cell phone is disconnected, and he was just like, "Yeah, I have to work on that..." [*LOL*]. But he was at work last night when I was closing, and I got my 15-mins. break right when he got there [lucky me!!], so I showed Doug my messed up car, and we just got to chill for a few. It's always nice. And my break actually turned out to be 22 mins. long, so OOPS!!! *LOL* Like I care. I was chillin' w/Doug, so it's all good. And I got to talk to Julie about how she scheduled me 40 hours the week of my surgery, and she told me how [when I was in Chincoteague last week] Doug was talking to her about it and "thought he knew [my] business".....because he told her about my surgery and going back to school next week and how I couldn't work because he saw that she had me scheduled 40 hours. Guess what, Julie....Doug does know my business, so you should've listened to him. Duh you. *LOL* I swear, I've had more scheduling problems this summer w/that place. It's ridiculous. So Julie's not the best scheduling person, even though I even gave her all of the dates in the first note I wrote her. But that's okay. Taken care of now. I'm going to St. Luke's for bloodwork today, and I should be good to go by Monday when I actually have my surgery. And Chris will be here w/me by then, too, so I'm really relieved about that....I'm glad he's going to be here. I need my soulmate around for that. But everything's good for right now. The paranoia has subsided again, and I'll be able to get through today. I made plans to see Doug, but I don't know what we're doing yet. We talked about going to the drive-in for movies later on, but I don't know what's playing, and we might not...and I don't know if we're getting together sooner than that either. So I think he's going to call me or something again. So I'll just do what I need to do until he calls. And Alex is going to call me today about the concert stuff. I hope she can go because she said something about working. So we'll see what's going on there. And the lady I hit yesterday is going to call me tomorrow w/the information about her car. I think she's just going to get her bumper touched up because I probably scratched it a bit, but she's not filing a claim because that's all there is to it, so that's good news. I won't have to file a claim either, and maybe Dad can fix my car. It's so awesome having Dad around because he's able to do everything I need! He's so great!! So I'll talk to her on Friday. I don't think it'll be that much to fix up her van, so I'm not too worried about her estimate or anything. And I just thought of something, too. I won't be here when she calls because I'm going to the concert, so she'll have to talk to Dad about it. He can fix anything....from broken cars to broken hearts. :-D So that'll be taken care of, and I'll just have to not have my car for a while. But I'll be at school and recoving, so I won't need my car, anyway. So "good on ya" [as Court would say]. *LOL* I missed her call yesterday, too, so I should call her. But it's pretty early right now. It's about 10am, and she's probably asleep. So I'll talk to her later about everything being cool and find out how Destiny is, too. I can't wait to see my baby, Chris!!!!! WOO-HOO!!!!
August 14, 2003:
So I'm back at KU w/my lack of a gallbladder, and I'm not really all that hurting right now, which is good news. But this training shit sucks big time!!! I feel like I'm a little kid or something, and I'm grumpy and tired because I literally just had surgery on Monday!!!!! And there's no one here, but Abby and I have a third roommate that we didn't know about. Actually she still doesn't know about her. And she's probably a freshman, and the visitation's going to be all fucked up now because freshmen can't have visitors past midnight for the entire first semester. Not that Doug could visit me that late, anyway, but if it's a weekend, you know?? But speaking of Doug I guess everything's cool. And I suppose guys don't even know they're freaking me out when they do it. Because I get so freaked out so easily, too. But I haven't written for a while, so I should probably get you all up to speed on where we are right now. Okay, so last week w/Doug was weird, and you probably know some of it. I visited him w/Court on Tuesday, and Doug and I made plans for Tuesday later, and I was expecting him to call me then. And he didn't call me, and I was just sad. Even though I knew he wasn't just blowing me off because he's not like that. So he didn't work on Wednesday, but he came in when I closed, and I figured out that he didn't even do anything on Tuesday, and that's why he never called me that day, but I still think he should've called just to tell me that nothing was going on or whatever, but that's a long-standing problem w/a lot of people apparently. So I guess it was no big deal, but we hung out on Thursday and just went to dinner and a movie again, and I guess I was quiet or whatever, but he said something like, "I'm starting to lose faith in our relationship." WTF, Doug.....and for serious that hurts a lot......like, really, what is that?? Just because there's a lull in the conversation???? Just because he's been around the world and has a bit more to talk about than I do....??? For serious. So I was sad about that and everything, but now I'm hurt, too. So just when I was starting to like Doug and really be into liking him and exciting about seeing him all the time like that.....now I'm hurt, and I don't know what he wants because last week was weird, so I kinda backed off again. It sucks not knowing what he's into w/this. I want to know what he wants. So I'm confused by the whole thing. And I don't know what to do or think. But here's the really confusing part of the whole thing!!!! This week I felt like shit on Sunday morning and called into work sick, and I felt bad because I felt better later, and now everyone at work thinks I just blew off my last day, and maybe that's what was going through my head when I called. Maybe I called too quick and didn't give myself a chance to feel better....I don't know. But Doug called that day just to see if I was okay or whatever, and I guess he wanted to let me know that everyone thinks I blew off my last day of work. So now I have to worry about The fucking Home Depot when I really shouldn't give a shit about that job. I don't really like it there. And now I'm having surgery the next day, and no one needs to care more about my business than I care. That's just wrong. So people really don't need to know more about me than I do. All they need to know is that I can't work and maybe that it's a medical reason why not. But now they want to know about me working when I just had surgery. Well, I'm going to have to tell them that I can't work before Sept. 1st because I just don't want to have to worry about that shit anymore...
....Okay, so it's a little later. This shit sucks so much. I honestly hate it. I mean, I just fucking had surgery on Monday, and here it is Thursday, and I'm supposed to be participating and being a DR. There's so much shit to go over that I feel is unnecessary. And Chris is being a little social butterfly, so I know he's glad to be back at school. But I haven't seen him much all day. Fine, now I'm crying.....I just want a little time to myself. I need some down time to just be alone and cry and sleep everything away. I need a damn Percoset already. And I'm supposed to call Doug. He wanted me to last night, anyway. So I have to call him. And I might call Court. And I want to talk to Chris. It's just weird because w/all of the staff rules and shit I feel like I can't just be open to him about how much this whole thing sucks. I can't really just let loose and say what I really feel because I honestly do hate it. And school hasn't even started yet!!!! I'm just sad.....I don't know. I just need to get back into it. I mean, it's not like I really know anyone here. I mean, I talked to them last year, but the only one I really know is Chris, I think. And I never did any of this new stuff before, so I have to learn what I'm doing. Like, Dennis tells me to go to the "Imaginarium" and get "butcher paper" to decorate the door to the desk.....what??? I just feel like a little kid. I mean, I honestly feel stupid. I need to be taken by the hand and led around like I'm an idiot because I don't know what I'm doing. Someone needs to help me. I need someone to help me. I mean, I've had one fucked up summer. I can honestly say this past was the worst summer of my life so far. I mean, I think it was. I was the least healthy I've ever been in one summer. I had a trip to the ER in the middle of the night for the first time. And surgery for the first time. Which sucks, and now everything hurts me, and I feel helpless. And now I'm back at school to do the same routine as last year over again, and I already hate my job. I hate my summer job, too, because there are some people there I just can't stand. And another bullshit meeting.
August 16, 2003:
Chris dressed in drag tonight for the lip sync thing at fun time trainingness.....always a good time when Chris dresses in drag. He seriously walks better in the girly platforms he was wearing than I would, and he definitely has the booty for a skirt, LOL....love that boy sooooo much, I do.......so I'm chillaxin' in K-town, trainingness, etc. Today was an okay day, so I had a decent time at the fun thing. And I think I'm starting to get to know everyone, and we're getting along really well so far, so I hope it's a fun year for all of us. I'm SLOWLY still recoving from the surgery, and I wish I could just stop being sore and feeling pregnant as I waddle around w/my jeans hurting me more than I'd like.........yeah, I totally feel like a pregnant lady. It sucks big time. But I hope I'll be over it soon, and I still have a couple of Percoset pills left, so I'm keeping them for a really, really bad day and trying to just take Tylenol or something because the pain's not bad really anymore. I actually was able to sleep on my side just a bit when I woke up earlier than I had to this morning and went back to sleep for a little while, and I wasn't extremely uncomfortable or anything, so it's a step in the right direction. It's a plus. It's a step up from where I was. Maybe I can sleep on my tummy soon and be really comfortable. Like I used to. I guess everything w/Doug's just fine for now. I'm back at school, and I haven't seen him at work lately, obviously. But we have AIM now, so that's a nice added bonus. And I talk to him pretty much every night now, and I like that. I'm trying to be more loose and cool w/everything and be able to talk about stuff more. Because I guess we started to run out of shit to talk about for a little while. And I definitely don't like that. I mean, I don't mind not talking all the time or not having constant conversation, but Doug's a talker, and he starts to doubt things if I don't have much to say. He needs me to not be so quiet. But we'll see where this thing goes. And I guess I'd say we're dating now because it's not like I'm seeing anyone else. It's just him exclusively, so I'd say we're dating, and I'd call him my boyfriend now, I suppose. I suppose that's what he is to me by now, right?? I don't know how this shit works. Every relationship is something new and different and usually confusing for me.......but Phil Collins also says "You Can't Hurry Love"......
August 22, 2003:
I can't sleep. Stuff on my mind. Okay, I confess.....so Chris is on my mind. We were outside earlier w/some people, and at least three of them smoke. And Chris made some comment about not smoking until I was gone after I went to bed. He makes me sad, and I cried, even though to other people this thing is something stupid. And I don't know if he was serious or not, but he would do something like that just to not hurt me. And I can appreciate that he wouldn't smoke while I was present because that'd just be a bit obnoxious and blatantly obvious, and I'd probably think it was a little rude because he knows I hate that he ever smoked. Because he did last year, and I don't think he ever did before that, but I thought he quit after last year. But if he was serious about the comment he made about smoking after I went to bed, then I'm really hurt and upset right now. I mean, he knows I hate the smoking!!! Smoking contributed in killing my grandfather, and he won't see me get married and have his great-grandchildren. Hell, he didn't even get to see Brandy get married.....*tear*............I miss him so much sometimes. Okay, fine, just dandy...I have myself crying again. But the worst part about the Chris smoking thing is that I didn't even know!!!!!! And because he has to sneak around and do it when I'm not around specifically to keep me from finding out or something....he essentially lied to me by keeping it from me. Not that he didn't know he'd upset me like this. But I should've known. I think I have a place in knowing that for some reason. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I am so upset about it. But I love him, and he's just killing himself. He's going to get some horrible cancer and die. Not tomorrow, of course, but eventually. And it won't be pretty, I'll tell you from experience on that one. But now I'm just awake and thinking, and I probably won't get much sleep tonight, if any at all. I went down a little while ago and left Chris a message on his white board on his door. And I just said that I can't sleep [stuff on my mind, I wrote], and I told him it was about 2:30am, but I was just guessing, so I don't really know what time it was, and I guess I really have no way of knowing for sure. But all that matters is that I got in the right hour, I guess. And he seems upset lately. I don't know if it's about being single [Chris is ovulating, LOL....gay guys do that, too!!] or about training sucking so much [sucking "monkey balls," Chris said] or what.......but I also wrote that I'm always around to listen if he wants to chat or vent about anything. But I think I need to ask him if he was being serious about the smoking comment. Right after he said it I was like, "That's really shady." And he tried to lean over to kiss me, but I leaned away and moved. So he couldn't because I didn't want him to right then. I was just instantly upset by that, and then he went over and laid in the grass and was just writing poems or something in his book of poetry he keeps that he writes. So I didn't really talk to him tonight. I just need to ask him that one question. Which will probably lead to other, larger things, but I need that one question first. Christ.....it just makes me so sad. Like, honestly....my soul is weeping right now............it's so hard to not be upset. I talked to Doug earlier, too, and he asked me what's new a little before he signed off for bed, and he said something about how I hadn't said anything about Chris yet. I mean, even Doug noticed that I was so preoccupied......this shit tears me up. Shakes me up pretty damn good if I can't fucking sleep over it, too. I don't know. I'm really emotional, but people have a right to their feelings, and I'm allowed to be upset about Chris smoking if I feel this way. It's my right to feel what I feel. Maybe he's just having an "off" phase or something that he'd be smoking again. I genuinely thought he quit last year....maybe training just sucks that much. I don't know........and there's really nothing I can do. But I want my question. Just me and Chris, and I want to ask him if he smokes when I'm not around after I go to bed or whenever. And I just want an honest answer. And I want to know that he's not going to lie to me. Because Soulmates don't lie to each other. *tear* It's not as bad as Jim, but Jim would always say that he wasn't addicted and that he could quit, but he never actually did it. He would not smoke for, like, a day, and he'd say that he quit, but that's not quitting if you go back. My mom never quit. She just ignored smoking for 20 years.....but went back. But I also don't know how much Chris smokes. Not so much that he feels like he needs a Nicotine fix so badly that he has to do it around me and can't wait that extra hour or two until I go to bed. But I just don't know. I'm just really upset, sad, and I'm thinking about it so much that it's keeping me awake. I can't sleep over it, so it's pretty bad. *sigh*
August 28, 2003:
Time for another entry since I guess it's been at least a few days. I should probably get some sleep, but I just want to tell you how crazy busy I've been since I got back to school [emphasis on crazy]. Training started Aug. 14th [I know I'm pretty much backtracking right now], and I just went to long, boring, lecturelike meetings about safety, campus and HARLO policies, etc., all day every day for about ten days. Safety Day was the worst, though.....OMG, fire safety training??? I ain't no damn firefighter!! I'm glad I learned how to use a fire extinguisher. BUT ANTHRAX TRAINING??? Is that really necessary? But I digress. Everyone moved in this past weekend, and everything was crazy w/meetings, Hall Council last night even, scheduling....the long, grueling process by which every DR on staff chooses a block of either one hour or two that they'd like to work....and then changes his/her mind three times. And I didn't even get to weekend scheduling yet. That's when each DR has to choose a "group" they want for certain weekends....and the "group" contains in it "shifts" to be worked....and we didn't even follow the chart thing. It was just confusing, long, boring.....just not fun. Which I guess scheduling isn't supposed to be. But I digress once again. I tortured Doug by making him come to the meeting because he was my guest at the time, and I guess I felt like I didn't want to just be like, "Hey, how about you just hang out somewhere for a while"...because that'd be rude, and I wouldn't want it done to me, so I didn't want to do it. So that was scheduling. But now classes have begun, and my sophomore year has officially started. So I have classes, working Lehigh's desk [and any other desk that needs me because that Hall is short-staffed], and working "The Depot" because I didn't quit....yet. I'm thinking I might. I just might. But I'll give it a week or two and see how I handle the load before I just quit. So it's crazy. I think I have something like 24 desk hours this week and 15 @ "The Depot," and adding classes would probably give me one complete full-time job. Tues. was just bad. I worked the desk 4-5am and had to do a round of the building, classes @ 9:30am, noon, and 1:30pm, worked the desk 6-9pm, and worked again 11pm-midnight before I could go to bed. Wednesday I worked the desk 8-10am, classed it up @ 10am, booked it to Bonner Hall to work that desk 11am-noon, class again @ 1pm, and I drove my ass out to A-town to "The Depot" to work 3-10:30pm, and I pissed off people because I forgot to wear sleeves today. I went right from class, which I drove to, to A-town, and I forgot to get a shirt w/sleeves. And Dana @ "The Depot" always has something to say to me. Once he told me that I was standing too casually in front of my register. If I can wear jeans to work, then there's nothing too casual about THD, you know? I'm wearing jeans...to work. Anyway, it's been really busy w/class and the working two jobs thing, so we'll see how September goes and take it from there. But right now I need some shut-eye. Talk to you all tomorrow [I hope!!!].
