APRIL 2003
April 2003
April 4, 2003:
Okay, my Loyal Fans, I went to see Iphigeneia At Aulis tonight, and the character Achilles is SUCH A CUTIE! Three words. Patrick Bryan O'Neil...and I am smitten. Yes, I did just use the word "smitten." *sigh*
April 5, 2003:
Chris is ushering for Iphigeneia tonight, and I am so jealous. He knows Pat from a class they have together, and he gets to see him tonight WHILE I DON'T! *tear* But he said that there are ushers wanted for the shows that are left, so he's going to sign me up just so I can go and see the cutie again. I figure that not only can I see Achilles again but take notes on the show for my write up for theatre class. I should've taken notes when I saw the show, but if I had been taking notes I might've missed Achilles completely, so I'm glad I didn't, and I can always write the paper from what I remember and get Chris to help me because he's going to see Iphigeneia as an usher tonight. No biggie. But I just want to see Patrick again because he is just SO CUTE! I think I seriously am smitten with him. Chris saw him at dinner tonight in the South Dining Hall and pointed him out, and I'm willing to bet anything that my face turned bright red because I was burning up! So what does Chris, my love and my soulmate Will and Grace style, do? He freakin' called Pat over to the table! Holy shit, I was freaking out inside! Well, I'm going to take a walk with Jim and cool off now, so I'll be back later.
April 6, 2003:
Movie night with Jim in Jen's room last night. We watched Tuck Everlasting, Murder By Numbers, and Swimfan and went to bed a little late. But I was tired, and it was time. Woke up to daylight savings this morning. Hate that "spring forward" shit, but who am I to argue with Time and the turning of the world? No one. Abby and I finally tried the yoga tape I brought back with me from Winter Break, and today was the second time I used it. *LOL* But it felt good, and I'm hoping for the good type of sore tomorrow. It's Sunday, and that means there's work to be done, so I should get to work. Chris wanted to hang out after brunch, but I can't find him, so I guess I'll wait for him to come to me. Today's a beautiful day, and I don't want to work, so maybe hanging out with Chris will get me settled and in the mood to work. He didn't sign me up to usher for Iphigeneia yet, but he said he would, so I'm still hoping. Maybe I'll go myself if he can't get to it by Tuesday. I guess I haven't really had a good hearty crush in a while because this feeling is like new to me. *LOL* I've been out of the loop for so long and finally found someone who interests me. It's nice to feel like this again. I'm enjoying it thoroughly. But I guess my point is I really like the word "smitten" and want to use it again, so there it was. In case you missed it, I'm smitten!
April 8, 2003:
I can't believe we got SNOW here in Kutztown yesterday! That's so wrong for April! But it was a decent day overall. I can't let snow ruin an otherwise good day, right? Even in April. Chris signed me up to usher for Iphigeneia on Saturday, so that was good to hear, and it's almost time to go home to see Johnathan [and Chris is coming with me], so I'm excited about Spring Break. Alta, the Building Director, called me for an interview for the DR [Desk Receptionist] job I applied for in Lehigh Hall next semester, and I'm going to talk to her after my history class this morning. Chris said that I basically have the job already, unofficially. *wink, wink* I'm still a little nervous, but I'm not to worried. I had a blast with Jim and Chris in the Thinking Cap last night, so I was really happy about that. Fun times always. And I only had one class today, and it was English comp., where we worked on our essays for Ghosts the entire time, and Professor Herr walked around and read body paragraphs. What a nice day to not have any class! I have way too much for my essay now, though, so I'm going to have to cut it down. Tonight isn't so grand as last night, and Jim's having a rough night for some reason. He said he just got some shitty news, and he apologized for if he was being nasty or something to me, which was nice [even though he wasn't being nasty, and I totally understand, even though I don't know what happened], so I think he's been here long enough to have grown some sort of heart and maybe even a conscience by now. He truly is an awesome person, and I love hanging out with him because he can be really cool when he wants to be. And staying awake all night in the Thinking Cap has become a tradition. We at least stay up late every night, anyway, so it's not like it's a big deal any more, but I always have fun. He never usually studies, but I'm happy when we spend the quality time together. I love the bonding time we have. And I really do feel like he's one of my closest friends. Anyway, I'm being awake in the Thinking Cap right now! And I'm so excited to go home for Spring Break, even though I'm going to miss everyone here while I'm at home. Well, except for Chris because he's coming with me! And I get to see Johnathan and surprise him! I'm sorry, but I can't say how yet because he doesn't know, and I've been purposely trying to keep it out of Thinking Aloud since January! This is so hard! I just want to tell so badly! But I know the surprise will be better if I don't tell, and I swore Chris to secrecy, so I'm hoping that Johnathan doesn't know yet. *crosses fingers* I didn't get much work done tonight, but I did get what I have for my essay typed up. It's too long, and I still don't even have the introduction or conclusion or any research applied yet! I'm going to have major editing to do before Wednesday when it's due. I guess, with the exception of Jim not having a good night, yesterday and today have been pretty decent. In spite of the random snow. Hopefully, this snow was the onion snow, the last snow before you can plant onions. *LOL* Well, that's what it's called [at least that's what my mom called it]. So I think I should get some sleep, and I think that's all for now from the Thinking Cap. Sweet dreams!
April 9, 2003:
Well, here I am, studying late again, writing a paper for English comp. [and it's due today]. Fun times. Jim's here, too, and he's studying for art history with Abby. You know, Jim truly is intelligent, and he's really showing it with this art stuff. He's teaching Abby now, and she was quizzing him earlier. I can't help but watch them because they're having so much fun and laughing, and Abby's ADHD rears its head around this time of night. *LOL* But I can't help but watch because Jim's so attractive right now! I made sure to tell him that it's sexy when he thinks. *LOL* I obviously like a guy with a brain. It's amazing how awesome of a teacher he is. He's trying so hard to keep her focused and keeps asking her the question until she gets the answer. He even grouped the churches of the time into one category! Since when is Jim so organized? *LOL* He can even tell where she stopped studying because her cards are still in order! Anyway, I just felt the overwhelming urge to write about the experience because I've been admiring Jim so much. *LOL* I should get back to this paper because I don't want to be awake for the entire night. Hoping everyone's having a nice night filled with sweet dreams!...
...Later. I'm sad for some reason, and it makes everything worse that I don't know why. Grrr. WTF am I supposed to do with this? This isn't fun or productive! I can't put this anywhere! It's just there...making me all depressed and ruining everyone else's days. What a downer day! Maybe it's because I haven't seen Chris around for a few days and miss him. Maybe I'm just excessively exhausted or work too much. I doubt that I work too much. Whatever it is, I could sure use one of Chris's world-famous massages right about now. Maybe I'll just take a shower and go to bed. I feel like the sooner I just go to sleep, the sooner I'll wake up happy again. Hope it works.
April 10, 2003:
Didn't work. Grrr. I woke up 15 mins. before a history quiz this morning [but at least I went to class to take the quiz at all]. I don't know how everything will turn out, but I can only hope for the good. I went with Brian to see about the Honors program, and he signed up right in the office, right there on the spot. I guess he's been thinking about joining for a long time, but I couldn't make the decision yet. It would be too hasty for me, and I haven't talked to anyone about it yet or about what I should do. I'd like to join and have the privilege of graduating from Kutztown University with Honors, but I'm scared that I won't be able to handle the extra work. I'm afraid of failing and having to drop the Honors program because it's too much for me. And most of all, I don't want to disappoint my dad if I join and then drop. It'd be like I was quitting. And I don't want to give up. But then I think that I don't want to regret not trying to be everything I can be. I want to live up to my potential. I just hate having any regrets at all because I believe that you should live your life the way you want and do everything you want and that your experiences or lack thereof make you who you are. So I can do whatever I want to do. I guess going through the process helped a little because I understand now that I'll be doing what I choose and that I'm still going to be who I am, Honors program or no. I need to talk to Dad. He'll set me straight, I hope. I can get a straight answer from him about whether or not the Honors program might be too much for me. He knows me academically. We'll see. Maybe. This just sucks because I'm so, I guess "depressed" is the word. I don't even want to go to class today. I have two more, but I'd give anything to be able to crawl into bed and cry right now. And it's not even about school or the Honors program! School's fine, I'll talk to Dad, my grades are good, advisement went as well as I wanted, and I'm almost out for summer! Johnathan's coming home tomorrow, and I'll see him next week when I bring Chris home with me over Spring Break. The social situation is okay, I guess, but I think it's because I, personally, am depressed. I wish I knew why! I don't really want to...but I guess I should go to lunch. Two more classes to go, and I can allow myself to try to relax tonight. I only hope I can make it until 4:20pm. Ugh, English lit.
April 14, 2003:
It's almost 4am, and I've just returned from DR position with my love, Chris. He seemed sad this morning. Maybe lonely? But I'll be there for him all the way. I decided to be cute and wrote him a note on a paper airplane. *LOL* And I just kept him company at the desk during his shift this morning. This week of classes should just fly by and let us go home and hang out for a few days without stress. We'll see what daylight brings. More on everything later.
...Later. Today already has been a rather productive day. I've eaten, had two classes, gone to the library. I can be really productive when I decide to be, but when I don't...*LOL* No chance. I'm going to have to write a paper for lit. tonight. 4-7 pages of a paper. *LOL* Guess I'm working the graveyard shift again tonight. But my lousy [in my own opinion] paper got a "B+" last time, so I'm not worried. I'm more worried about my other lit. work than about the paper. I thought I'd get some done before lunch, but I don't think that's going to happen. But it's just a little upset in my schedule. I can't wait until Thurs. at 4:20pm! I'll be on my way home! 3 days!
April 15, 2003:
Okay, today was gorgeous with amazing weather and nearly perfect, and I'm in an awesome mood, but I'm still reverberating with last night's seething anger, hatred, and crushing disappointment. Please bear with me. No one may understand anything of this entire venting apart from myself, but I need the therapy, and you don't have to read anything you don't want to read. No excuses because it's me, not you. Okay, backstory. A while ago, I'm not sure exactly when, when Jim was complaining about his irresistible urge to need to get high, I told him that I didn't want to be around him in that state. I told him that I wouldn't eat with him that day, or ever, if he was high. He doesn't understand how I feel and is stuck in his ways, and he thinks that getting high is one of the best experiences there is or something, and he tells me that I need to loosen up because I'm hardcore old-fashioned values. As far as I'm concerned, Jim can kiss my...but I digress. My point is that he doesn't know me as well as I thought/hoped/believed he did, and he can't see my point of view. So we go to dinner yesterday, with the group as always, and Jim tells me that he needs to talk to me later about something I said. So my first thought is that I said something wrong or offended him or something, and I make sure it's nothing bad. I hate when people tell me "I need to talk to you later" and don't tell me what it's about because I always think, in my paranoid way, that I did/said something wrong or that I'm in trouble or something. You have to assure me, and not be lying to me, that it's nothing bad that we're going to be talking about. Anyway, I'm sure you already know what's coming, so I'll basically ruin the end of the movie for you and tell you that I knew Jim's eyes didn't look like they usually do. I didn't really think much of it and brushed it off as the lighting causing his eyes to look lighter than they are because of the beautiful day. But Jim keeps winking at me [that's why I noticed his eyes in the first place], and that's a little strange. Anyway, we're all walking home from dinner, and he starts talking to me, and he asks me if I remember what I said a while ago about how I wouldn't eat with him if he was...[and trails off like that], and I have to think about it because I don't remember everything I ever said to everyone I know. But I take the hint and instantly flames shoot out of my eyes, and my hair caught ablaze! That bastard son-of-a-bitch asshole tricked me! I can't find the words to describe how much I hated Jim in that moment.
April 16, 2003:
Bedtime now but never finished my story. I think I stopped at the part when I hated Jim forever. Yeah, that's about right. Well, I almost as suddenly realized that the [brain] damage had already been done, so I surprisingly quickly cooled off and sank into my sadness, depression, and disappointment in the fact that I can no longer trust Jim when I truly believed he was a cool guy. I'm the kind of person who trusts you until you fuck up and give me a reason not to...
...One day left. Only one long, long day filled with class, the torture of going to class-until 4:20pm. Ugh, English lit. Everything's still fucked up with Jim, and I know I still didn't finish the story, but I really don't know how to. I mean, we're not ignoring each other. I decided that the silent treatment wouldn't work this time. I've only used the technique once, but it also worked the one time I used it, so the silent treatment is quite effective. But it's inappropriate right now. But when we do speak to each other, I really don't listen like I used to. Nothing he says makes any difference any more, and I honestly just don't really care. I can pretend I'm listening, and I can pretend I care, but I don't have to do anything I don't feel is right, so I'm going to keep to myself on this one and let it go. That's the best thing I could do. Just let him go. Because it's going to take a lot to get back what was there before. If I give him enough one-word answers and simple grunts in reply, maybe he'll figure it out. But today was yet another amazing day. The weather is, again, gorgeous, Chris is happy, I'm happy, I don't have much work to do tonight for tomorrow, and tomorrow I'm going home and taking Chris with me to see Johnathan for the first time since last January! Nothing could be more perfect!
