Evyl Obi was whistling �the merry go round broke down� (AKA the merry melodies/looney tunes theme.) as he walked down the hall. He paused outside Xani�s door, catching sight of him stuffing something under his bed through the crack in the door.

"...And I don�t want you using this ever again, understood?" Xan was saying to someone. Evyl heard a female voice reply.

"Look, if you wanted another me so badly, you could have had the /real/ me. I mean, I�m here, all you have to do is ask," Xan said. Evyl heard a sigh and something mumbled.

"I know, but it�s no easier writing smut with a clone giving you lessons," he paused at an exclamation.

"You know what I meant! Plot bunnies be dammed, you�ll not write filth about me unless it stars /ME/, and not some damn half-wit clone you can keep as your love slave." There was another quiet reply.

"Well, you could always find out...." Xan practically purred. "I might not mind a set of fuzzy handcuffs, at least from you," he said. There was an indignant comment, and the sound of boot-hitting-shin-bone.

"Gah! all right, all right! No more innuendo!" Xan said, hopping away. Evyl heard him sit on the bed and mutter something.

"Lil Bastard Home Cloning Kit my ass," Xan grumbled. "The only one you should be cloning is Ulic, so I can kill him for remodeling my room without any decent closet space. Force knows there�s too much junk hidden under my bed already."

Evyl�s interest perked up. Cloning Kit? Hidden under the bed?? This could be fun.

Xan sighed at something Evyl had missed. "All right, I�ll send you back.... But you�re leaving the bunny!" There was an angry reply.

"Ohhhh no! As long as I keep my personal Plot Bunny alive and well here, there�s no way you can �accidentally� kill it off and get rid of the Metaverse." There was a mumble.

"Well...... I�ll send it back when you need it.... oh, wait, nevermind! It�s my bunny, so it has Portal Powers, right? Then it can send itself back when you need it." A grumbled agreement, and a sigh.

"And no more SlaveXani smut-fics out of you. You try to clone me again, and I�ll send Obi to your doorstep. The real Obi, not Evyl Obi. Let�s see you explain that one to your neighbors...." Another grumble.

"All right, off you go. And remember, /destroy that clone/! Leash and all! I�ll not have you imagining anyone but me as myself."

Evyl vaguely caught her reply as "What makes you think I imagine you while imagining you?" Xan laughed.

"My dear, you�re not a very good liar. Besides, who wouldn�t have such wonderful imaginings about myself?" Evyl caught something about a Exar-fic if Xan didn�t behave himself.

"Bah!" he said, "Just try to write a Metaverse story without me. I�m a favorite character, and much prettier than Exar." There was a mumble.

"The bunny told me. Evyl and I are the favorite characters, just a step above Kiraan." Her reply was indignant.

"Oh, all right, take your damn bunny and go back to Dumpatch, Denbo, whatever it is, Coal-patch land and the real world," he said. Evyl saw the distinctive multicolored flare of light of a Portal opening, then fading. He heard a heavy, annoyed sigh.

"Women! Gah! Give me a carefully-written Mary-Sue to bonk anyday over a Real-world Woman!" he grumbled aloud, then fell silent. Evyl started to back away from the door, but fell flat on his butt as Xan opened it.

"And how long have you been snooping there?" he asked, looking down at the clone. Evyl faked a smile and weak laugh, then looked around and frowned.

"Long enough," he said with a shrug. "Did She really make a clone of you as a sex slave?" he asked, incredulous. Xan sighed wearily.

"Not for herself, unfortunately. She�s on some new damn email list again and wanted a new story for them. Can�t write smut worth a damn lately, so she tried to just let a clone of me loose on the website. Didn�t work... and why am I explaining this to you? Go away, before I hack off your ponytail, dye your hair one color and sell you off as a Christian clone." Xan said, then turned and slammed the door in Evyl�s face.

Evyl pouted for a moment, then reached up to check on his Badawan tail. He frowned, then stood and continued on to his room.

-----------

Evyl waited patiently until Xan left for parts unknown, tearing down the street on his motorcycle. Whistling innocently, he walked down the hall, then casually Force-bumped Xan�s lock open and backed into the room quickly. What he found after turning around surprised him.

The walls had been returned to their original shade of royal blue, with off-white trim and little stars and clouds painted on the ceiling. A mobile of the Telos system hung in one corner, with an Escher print on the wall beneath it. Royal Blue velvet bed-draperies with gold fringe hung from the ceiling to the floor at two corners of the bed, with the bed itself shoved against the wall closest the window.

There was one closet with a folding door on it, and an annoyingly hideous yet accurate �Starry Night� reproduced on the wall opposite the bed and behind Xan�s desk. A wicker hamper was overflowing with clothes in another corner, and the handle of a baseball bat was protruding from beneath the bedskirt. Closing the door behind him, Evyl blinked for a moment, realizing he hadn�t seen this room for more than a total of five seconds at a time before. Then he remembered the box.

He crouched on his hands and knees, lifting the bedskirt and digging under Xan�s bed. He found boxes of clothes he�d never seen Xan wear, several racing and motorcycle magazines, one baseball bat, several long-lost socks, a box of fishing equipment, a paternity test...

That one worried him for a moment.

He kept digging until he found the most recent cache of items. Namely one yellow-wrapped box he�d seen him shove under the bed, and Xan�s hoard of Gummi-worms. Chewing on a slightly-stale gummi-worm, he carefully opened the flaps on the paper covering the box. It automatically unfolded itself and tucked the paper into a slot in the box.

Evyl blinked, the gummi hanging loosely from his jaw in surprise.

The label beneath read "The �Lil Bastard Home Cloning Kit, complete for all your home cloning needs. NEW! Now comes with a heavier reinforced inflatable cloning tank, for heavy-duty projects!"

Evyl drooled evilly, grinning.

This was going to be fun.

-------------------

He safely spirited the box away to his own room, still chewing on a gummi. He opened it and started reading the instructions.

Contents: Five sample syringes, Four mixing tubes, One inflatable cloning tank, One MINIMAXI ver. 3.8 Portable Gene Splicing System. (comes with 3 rechargeable Ion Flux batteries, and a universal house-current adapter)

Thank you for Purchasing the Lil� Bastard Home Cloning Kit!


Instructions for use:
1. Take organic sample with syringe.
2. (for direct clones) insert syringe into injection slot in the MINIMAXI PGSS datapad unit.
(Circled in yellow.)
(for altered/spliced clones) insert syringe into injection slot in the MINIMAXI PGSS datapad unit.
(Circled in yellow.)
3. Activate MM PGSS Unit and select Direct or Spliced option. (only one)
4. If you have not done so already, Inflate tank.
5. Make sure MM PGSS unit�s BLUE WIRE ONLY is connected to the matching blue plug on the tank unit.
6. Connect red wire to YELLOW plug /ONLY/ IF SPLICING SAMPLE!!!!
7. If your tank unit has no yellow plug, please refer to pg. 14, �The factory screwed up again,�.
8. Connect red wire to red plug to proceed with Direct cloning.
9. WARNING!!! Tank must be filled with fresh tap-water at this point! If you are on a planet without common H2O, please return the complete kit to your place of purchase. We are sorry for this inconvenience.
10. Once tank is full to yellow line, add "Super-secret Cloning-Goo!" packet and let dissolve.
(Note: Packet must be opened first before adding contents to water in tank)
11. Turn off water if you have not done so already. DO NOT OVERFILL TANK!
12. WARNING!! Do not attempt to clone Mogwai. (See pg. 42. �The Gremlin Incident�)
13. Recheck all connections and ensure that all wires are secure in their proper place.
14. Press the CLONE button on your MM PGSS datapad unit and stand back.

CONGRATULATIONS!!

You have now broken the Anti-cloning laws of 47 different star-systems! In the event that you are arrested for this crime, or attempt to use your clones for Galactic Domination or subjugation of other sentient races, the Lil Bastard parent company disavows any knowledge of the product�s existence, and is not liable for any repercussions stemming from your actions.

Thank you for your purchase.

The cloning process will take about 20 minutes, after which you will have a fully formed and sentient clone, considering whether you connected the red wire to the proper slot or not.

DO NOT CONTAMINATE THE TANK FLUID WITH ANY FOREIGN CHEMICALS, PRESERVATIVES, OR THE CHEMICAL KNOWN AS RED DYE NO. 5 ON SOME WORLDS!!!!!!!!

The company is not liable for anything, and cannot be held accountable once the yellow safety wrapper has been unsealed. Thank you for purchasing the Lil Bastard Home Cloning Kit. Happy Cloning!

(Warning: Clones have been known to become unstable, homicidal, deranged, unhinged, just plain silly, or severely mentally imbalanced due to the cloning process. This is not our fault, you bought the box and filled the tank, you live with the consequences!! Our Lawyers once worked for Lucasfilm.... Resistance is futile!

-----------------

Evyl studied the five syringes carefully.

Well, Maul was always telling him to make new friends......

He returned to Xan�s room, syringes in pocket. By now he was humming the Imperial March and feeling very Evyl Indeed. He opened Xan�s closet, and there, just where he�d hoped it would be, sat Quinn Mallory�s portal-timer. Snatching it up with a smirk, Evyl started punching the buttons, somehow just knowing how to work the contraption.

Xani�s rewiring seemed to be functioning properly, and the portal opened in the middle of Xan�s room. Evyl grinned, then jumped through the portal.

It was time to make some new friends.

-----------

"Look, I�m telling you. Buffy is in denial. I want to shag her, she wants to shag me, it�s only a matter of time," a very drunk Spike was saying, then he squinted at his companion.

"What was your name again?" he slurred.

"Obi, um, just call me Ben," Evyl said, gulping down his fluorescent-green drink in one shot. Spike�s jaw dropped.

"You sure you�re not a Vampire or a Demon or something? I�ve never seen a human do sour shots like that before."

Evyl grinned. "I�ve had lots of practice. So, you ever shag a guy?" Spike spit his drink across the bar. "Guess not," Evyl muttered, then shrugged and gulped another glass of green alcohol.

"Well, I�ve got to be going. I�ve got a few more stops to make before I get home, thanks," Evyl said, standing.

"For what?" Spike said, then jumped with a yelp. Evyl disappeared through the portal just as Spike turned with a snarl, rubbing his ass where he�d been sampled.

"Did you see that? Bloody freakshow just spiked me in the ass!"

---------------------

"Vas do you mean you vere �looking for a different me?"

Evyl shrugged, looking up at the teenaged Nightcrawler hanging from the chandelier above him.

"Well, I mean, older. You see, there�s this little problem with interdimensional travel, and I guess I got bumped backward in your timeline a bit. I was hoping to catch the older you, I mean well," Evyl paused, shrugging. "I�m not about to get busted for corrupting a minor."

Kurt fell off the chandelier.

"Hold that pose."

Kurt yelped and disappeared in a poof, and Evyl cackled and slid the syringe back into the case.

"Two down, three to go," he said, activating the portal again and stepping through.

----------------

"So basically, you�re suggesting I go gay, so I don�t have the whole �Dying if I impregnate a woman� thing?" Jackie Estocado asked, disbelieving. Evyl nodded.

"Yeah, I mean, it�s not for everyone, but it might be fun, I mean," he paused, gulping down his drink. "Anything�s better than getting off with an inflatable Pezzini doll, right?"

Jackie stood, ready to punch Evyl through the far wall of the bar. He swung, Evyl ducked, and Jackie pulled back with a yip of surprise, rubbing his thigh. "What the hell was that?"

Evyl shrugged and smirked, popping the syringe case back into his pocket.

"Central Park Mosquitoes. Nasty buggers," he said, then pulled out the timer and opened a portal behind himself. He casually stepped backward into the vortex, grinning and waving as he disappeared.

"Ummm, boss...." a little voice beneath the bar began. Jackie looked down in warning.

"Not a word, Moe, not a word......."

-------------------

"Ryoko!!!!!!" Evyl cried, throwing himself into her arms. "Let me clone you and make you my love slave," he purred. Ryoko promptly deposited him on the floor with a thump.

"Ugh! not if you were the last mad scientist on earth!" she growled, floating away through the ceiling.

"Aag! Ryoko! I�m getting dressed!" Tenchi cried from upstairs.

"Hmm, don�t mind me then...." she purred.

"RYOKO!!!!"

She reappeared floating down from the ceiling, arms crossed with a frown. "Spoil-sport," she muttered, landing next to Evyl.

"Look, clone-boy. Why don�t you save the last two syringes in case something goes wrong? Not that I�m not flattered by your interest in me. (Actually, I�m not," she muttered under her breath,) "It�s just that, well," she paused. "There�s more fish in the sea, and you don�t want to waste all your hooks on one fish, do you?"

Evyl sighed, then shrugged heavily.

"All right," he sighed, "But you would have loved the other fellows I picked." He pouted and sighed again. "Well, anyhoo, I guess my last stop�s off too," he sniffed.

"Ooh, anyone I know?" Ryoko asked. Evyl shrugged.

"Probably not."

---------

Somewhere across the universes, Jarod (AKA The Pretender) suddenly sat up in bed, terrified for no reason. He calmed himself, then sighed, lying back down and going back to sleep, blaming it on the bean-burrito.

------------------------------

"Okay, insert needle here, check everything, then hit �Clone�. Damn, that�s easy. No wonder Palpy�s been having so much fun in the books," Evyl said, setting the instructions down. He was chewing on another gummi-worm and waiting, curious. The first clone formed as a gray, hazy blob in the center of the tank. It started to clarify into a solid being as he watched, then....

"WOOHOO!!" Evyl cheered, then frowned. "Damn, it�s his tail," he muttered, sitting down in a chair to wait.

Fortunately for him, Maul was scrubbing toilets at the Lemon, Xan was off who-knows-where with Kiraan of all people, and Kun was still missing for the third day in a row. Ulic was glued to a 24 hour home improvement marathon, which left no-one else there to screw things up for him.

After 25 minutes, the tank auto-drained into a big bag and deflated. Evyl had hit the �Accelerate� button a few times, cranking the clone up to about nineteen or twenty agewise. Evyl was about to forego the closet completely and drool in appreciation when the blue-skinned being looked at him curiously.

"Do I know you?" he asked.

"Ummmm, no. I�m Evyl. Everyone calls me Obi," he broke off, staring. "Umm, I think we�d better get you some clothes...." he began, then stopped himself from staring at Kurt2�s tail.

The *other* tail, sickos.

Luckily, Kurt2 fit Kun�s pants and Maul�s shirts. He busied himself getting acquainted with the idea of being a clone for a few minutes while Obi refilled the tank. He reset everything and inserted the next sample. As 20 minutes rolled by, Evyl found himself at the edge of the tank, nearly drooling.

When the platinum-blonde hair sprouted, he jumped in glee, then realized he�d forgotten about the gummi in his mouth. Even Jedi reflexes couldn�t stop the chunk of gummi worm before it his the surface of the tank. He watched in horror as it sank, dissolving into the fluid.

"Damn," he muttered aloud, snatching up the instructions.

-----

Page 19

In the event that you are asinine enough to be eating sugary-sweet preservative-ridden things near your cloning tank:
...If the product contained Red Dye No. 5, and you are cloning a Human, please read...
...If the product contained Red Dye No. 5, and you are cloning a Klingon, please read...
...If the product contained Red Dye No. 5, and you are cloning a Vogon, please read......
...If the product contained Red Dye No. 5, and you are cloning an immortal creature of the night, please read below....

In the event that you are asinine enough to have contaminated your cloning tank with chemical preservatives and a healthy dose of Red Dye NO. 5, and are cloning an: 1. Vampire, 2. Evil Monster of the Abyss, 3. Creature of the race called Daemmon, or 4. something big, ugly and Boogy-boogy like a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal please follow the following directions....

..... RUN LIKE HELL!!!!

-------------

"Eep!" Evyl squeaked, bolting from the bathroom and hiding in his room. When the timer dinged that 20 minutes was up, and he heard the tank draining, he cautiously crept out of his room and down the hall. He paused at the door, peering around the edge, then his jaw hit the floor.

Before him stood an exact copy of Spike, unfortunately with his back to him. /Well, there doesn�t seem to be anything wrong.../ Obi thought, timidly creeping around the edge of the door and picking up a towel.

"Ummm, hullo there," he said, holding out the towel. The Spike-clone turned, then frowned. Suddenly, he looked down and then back up at Evyl in panic. He snatched the towel from him and ducked behind the shower curtain, hiding himself.

"Who the bloody hell are you?" he asked.

"Oh, um, I�m Obi. Evyl Obi Kenobi. Are, um, are you all right?" Evyl asked. The newly-cloned vampire looked around curiously.

"I think so," he said, then looked up suspiciously. "Why am I naked?" he asked warily. Evyl shrugged.

"Well, you�ve kind of just been born," Evyl said.

"Just been born?" clone-spike asked, shocked. Evyl nodded.

"Uh huh, You�re a clone," Evyl said.

"A /what?/"

"A clone, a copy. You�re an exact genetic replica of the original Spike," Evyl said. The clone nodded slowly, then looked up curiously.

"Who�s Spike?"

--------------To Be Continued...------------

On to the sequel... Livin' Large!

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