Kiraan walked into the bar after a less-than-pleasant night�s sleep. Usually, the crowd went 24/7 through the portal, with the time between closing of the night before and noon of the next morn being the quietest time for portal activity. This morning wasn�t much different, just a few scattered patrons, mostly at the bar itself.

He passed Obi-wan with a groggy grumble at his greeting, heading for the kitchen. Further along the bar, he passed another Obi-wan, a little older and more confused-looking. Kiraan paused for a moment, blinking curiously. Then he spotted a third Obi-wan, this one wearing a kilt and leather jacket, with dark makeup around his eyes and a skull bead like Evyl�s at the end of his braid.

Kiraan forced himself to focus beyond his recent caffeine addiction�s insistence for coffee and look around the room. In all, there appeared to be about ten Obi-wans, in various levels of Jedi decorum, and one in gold lame and glam-rock threads. And Evyl Obi and Obi, who were trying their best to seem inconspicuous in the lot.

Kiraan snatched Evyl back by his Badawan braid as he tried to sneak past.

"Hey! Ow! ehwhat? Oh....um, ehe, hi Kiraan...."

Kiraan growled at him. "Please explain why there are several more of you than there should be," he said, looking at Evyl but speaking to Obi, who stopped a few paces away.

"The portal�s been going nuts. It started spitting out doubles around midnight, and hasn�t stopped." Obi-wan looked around the room. "Actually, it�s gotten worse in the past few hours," he said, counting heads. "And we have no idea who HE is," he added, nodding at the Glam-clad Obi look-alike.

"Or his boyfriend," Evyl chimed in. "Can you let go of my tail now?" he asked, looking at Kiraan from an odd angle over his shoulder. Kiraan released him, then looked at Obi.

"What about that one?" he asked, looking toward the leather-and-kilt clad Obi.

"Sith Academy Obi, the one that�s Palpatine�s kid and sleeps with Maul," he said, then shuddered in revulsion. Evyl smacked him in the stomach.

"Hey! Maul�s not that bad!" he defended. "Now if he was sleeping with Palpy, THEN I�d be offended," he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Kiraan shook his head wearily.

"I�ll deal with you both after I�ve had something caffinated for breakfast," he said, shrugging past them and heading for the kitchen. Evyl shrugged, and Obi-wan sighed, surveying the room.

"I don�t blame him," Obi said, then sighed again as the glam Obi�s boyfriend emerged from the bathroom.

"Hey Obi..." Evyl began thoughtfully, "Did you happen to notice how much the Glam-boy-toy looks like Xani...?"

-------------------------

Kiraan found a bearded Obi-wan seated at the kitchen table, talking to a much younger version of himself. Pausing at the doorway, he sighed, then pretended to ignore them as he headed for the coffee pot.

The pot was empty. He sighed and growled. Of course, on a day like today, the pot would be dry before he even awoke. He muttered something in Trelarra and started searching cabinets. The bearded Obi-wan looked back curiously.

"There�s no more of the brown stuff, the girl who runs the place went to buy more," he said. Kiraan cursed and slammed the cupboard door shut.

"Of course, why not, everything else seems to be going awry today, why not this too?" he grumbled, then sighed wearily. "At least no Anakins have shown up yet," he muttered, then headed for the fridge. The bearded Obi looked at him strangely.

"Are you pre or post Clone Wars?" Kiraan asked, liberating a bottle of Dragonfruit Sobe from Aliya�s stash.

"Semi-post, I suppose," he said, then looked at his younger double. "He�s definitely pre." Kiraan stood, studying them.

"Pre Xanatos?" he asked. The younger shook his head no. "Ah," Kiraan said simply, twisting the cap off his drink. "Then I don�t suggest you go across the street," he said, taking a drink. The two Obis were about to say something when the back door opened.

"Gods, Kiraan, you wouldn�t believe what I�ve had to go through. Aliya nearly killed me this morning. She dragged me out of bed and wanted to go to Wal-mart, of all places, just for a damn can of coffee." Xanatos said, backing in the door with a bag of groceries.

"Lucky for me, Ulic�s been on a gourmet spree, and won�t touch normal beans," he said, turning and letting the door close behind him. He froze as the sight of two stunned Obi-wans staring at him, then raked his hair out of his face with a gloved hand.

"Um, I take it this was a bad time to visit?" he said, taking a step backward at the twin glares of shock and anger. Kiraan smirked, then took the bag from him.

"Down, boys," he said to the doubles, setting the bag on the countertop. "The portal�s been spitting out doubles all morning," he said to a confused and unsettled Xani.

"So I noticed," he said, taking another step back as the two Obis stood.

"You..." the younger began.

"Now don�t start, either of you. Xan�s not your world�s Xanatos, so don�t go taking out your hostilities on him," Kiraan said without turning, rifling through the bag. "Gah, Decaf! On second thought, go ahead and smite him," he said, setting a can of coffee on the countertop. Xan took another step back, bumping into the door.

"Kiraan!" he protested.

"Oh, all right. I did promise Qui-gon I wouldn�t torment you," Kiraan said, sighing. He turned to face the two Obis.

"Put that away, Obi-wan," he said, then stood straighter at the glare from the older double. Xan noticed the points of Kiraan�s ears press closer to his head as he studied the double. "Xanatos," he said quietly, "It might be a good idea for you to leave." Xan looked at him, confused. "This Obi-wan doesn�t know who I am," he said.

Xan looked at the older, angrier version of Obi-wan, who had his hand resting menacingly on his lightsaber hilt. He gulped, then whimpered, then sent a mental pleading for the real Obi-wan to please stand up.

"Now see here, young man..." Kiraan began.

Fortunately, the kitchen door opened on cue as the double took a step toward them.

"Daddy!!!" Evyl Obi said, prancing across the room and suddenly acting like his semi-deranged self again. Another Obi-wan was behind him, and from the expression on his face, this was their Obi-wan.

"Kiraan, are you all right?" he asked, keeping a wary eye on the doubles as he approached.

"Perfectly," he said, "Except for the fact your twin was about to become rather hostile."

Evyl glared at the older double. "Who�s the poody-head?" he asked, crossing his arms and glaring at the double.

"General Kenobi, I assume," Kiraan said, then sighed and turned toward Xani. "My suggestion stands," he said quietly, nodding at the door. Xan nodded, then opened the door to leave.

"Hey!" the general began.

Xan paused, blinking stupidly. Aliya and Maul stood on the other side of the door.

"We came at a bad time, right?" she asked, noticing the panic level in the room jump a few notches upon Maul�s arrival.

"Um," Xan began stupidly, "Run," he said, then ducked past them. Maul looked at the two Obis staring at him, and decided to follow. Aliya entered and closed the door behind her.

"Now, would someone mind explaining to me exactly what�s going on?"

------------------------------

With General Kenobi sedated, little Kenobi calmed down, and the glam Obi look-alike laughing his ass off out in the bar for some reason, things seemed slightly more normal.

Then the wall started glowing.

Out of the portal arrived someone looking suspiciously like yet another Obi-wan, accompanied by a woman and a cat. S.A. Obi immediately spit his beer across the room.

"It�s Ben-wa!!" Evyl announced with glee, hopping over to say hi. "I�ve read all your stories, you guys are great. Ooh! It�s My Apprentice, you�re Maul�s kitty, aren�t youuuu" he cooed, picking up the furball as it meowed at him.

"My Maulie has a kitty too, but she's a normal kitty, she�s not as cool as you. All she does is hock up furballs and claw Ulic�s designer drapes. And you�re so cuuuuute!!!" he rambled, cuddling the cat.

Kiraan stared blankly at the new arrivals, then shook his head and started for the stairs. This was worse than the Clone Wars, this was just way, WAY too bizarre for his tastes.

"Oh, hey, um, there�s only room for one Mary Sue around here, Mary Sue, and I�m him this episode," Evyl said. "Besides, I don�t like you, you�re too normal."

"I�d take that as a compliment," Obi-wan whispered to them as Evyl walked away with the kitty.

"Wanna meet my pet mouse? His name�s Ben..." Evyl rambled to the cat.

Obi-wan sighed, looking at Mary Sue.

"Well," he said, then sighed again. "At least you�re not another Obi-wan."

------------------

The portal had finally gone quiet, without so much as a flicker for nearly an hour. Slowly, the various Obi-wans headed back into the vortex, returning to their own worlds. With a sigh, Evyl flopped down onto a barstool next to S.A. Obi, leaning his head on his shoulder.

"It ain�t easy bein� Fanfic," he said, then giggled as the alternate Obi shoved him away with a muttered comment. Obi-wan and Ben-wa were seated at a table, arguing about something. Obi-wan suddenly stood, casting a glare of disgust at Ben-wa and storming off. Evyl snickered.

"The Prude�s back," he chuckled, then sighed. "Well, I guess it�s time for you to be going back too, huh?" he asked. S.A. Obi sighed and nodded.

"Guess so," he said.

"Ummm....." Evyl began, "Can I come visit you? I mean, it�s a really cool universe. Mostly, I just want to see Yoda in Drag, that would be so cool, I�d love the Troll to meet himself over there. Ooh, there�s an idea, Yoda vs. Yoda, we can sell it to pay-per-view like the Lestat vs. Kun fistfight!" he rambled.

S.A. Obi shook his head, chuckling.

"No, as soon as I get home, I�m making Maul clean up the pit under his bed," he said. "I always wondered why Maul�s bed smelled like a night club�s trash bin, now I know why."

"Because there�s an interdimensional portal leading to a night club�s trash bin under his bed?" Evyl said. S.A. Obi smirked and nodded.

"Yeah," he laughed. Evyl smiled, then sighed, looking thoughtful.

"I�m gonna miss youuuuuuu!" he suddenly said, throwing his arms around Obi. He muttered a comment and threw Evyl�s arms off him.

"You really are the freak of the litter, aren�t you?" he asked, standing. Evyl smirked.

"Born and bred, pure psycho through and through," he said proudly. "That and being a clone, I just don�t have the social filters everyone else has. No morals, no inhibitions, and I�m bonking Exar Kun. It�s a nice life, so long as he doesn�t kill me." Evyl said, shrugging.

S.A. Obi shook his head, then paused thoughtfully.

"Does the other Obi-wan know you�re sleeping with Kun?" he asked. Evyl made an expression of feigned innocence and looked away, smirking. Obi blinked.

"Damn. He�s going to freak when he finds out," he said.

"*IF* he finds out," Evyl said. "I�m not sure I want him to know I�m.... well, you know."

"Sleeping with Kun?"

"No, that I�m bisexual. He�s kind of a prude, you know? Some shite about Jedi decorum and so forth. I dunno, personally I think he�s just in denial. I mean, look how many fanfic Obi-wans are gay, bi, and so forth. I�ve even seen one where Obi and Yoda were getting it on in secret." He shuddered in revulsion.

"Force, what was wrong with that freak?" S.A. Obi said, "I wouldn�t touch Yoda with a six light-year flamethrower, let alone bonk him willingly!" Evyl shrugged.

"I�ve seen worse," he said, then chuckled. "Oh, wait, before you leave, there�s this website, Sith Chicks, you have to read some of their stories. This girl Moonscribe did a story a while ago you have to read! Oh, and Katte, and Ziggy, and, and, well, the entire list is awesome! Plus, there�s the Sith Academy of course, and the DMEB, that�s Maul�s estrogen brigade...."

"Estrogen brigade??" S.A. Obi interrupted, confused.

"Umm, to put it politely, there�s an entire universe of smut out there based on your boyfriend."

S.A. Obi�s expression darkened momentarily, then he smirked evilly. "Is there any way to email them interdimensionally?" he asked. Evyl smirked.

"Ohhh yeah," he said, then chuckled. "Here," he said, handing him a napkin and a pen. Obi wrote down his email address, and Evyl stuffed it in his pocket as Obi-wan approached.

"Isn�t it time for the rest of the doubles to be going home?" he asked, looking pointedly at Obi. He sighed and shrugged.

"Tired of Ben-wa fondling the silverware?" he asked.

"Among other things..." Obi-wan said with annoyance. S.A. Obi smirked, and Evyl snickered. Suddenly, a loud roar like a godzilla-sized lion came from somewhere in the kitchen. Ben-wa and a small streak of gray and white fur bolted through the door and past the trio. Kiraan wasn�t far behind, gold eyes blazing with fury.

"If I ever catch you back in this universe again, I�ll carve you end-to-end with a low-power lightsaber and strangle you with your own intestines!" he bellowed after them. Ben-wa followed the cat through the glowing vortex in the wall, never looking back. S.A. Obi sighed.

"Another day at the office," Evyl said, then sighed melodramatically. Obi smirked, and Obi-wan glared at him.

"Goodbye, I�m getting out of here before something else goes insane," S.A. Obi said, heading for the still-glowing wall. He paused, testing the wall with a hand before entering. His arm disappeared into the wall in a swirl of colored streamers of light. He smirked and shrugged, then walked through the portal.

Evyl smiled sadly, then sighed. "I liked him better than you," he said, "you�re a prude." Obi-wan sighed, walking away from him. Suddenly, Evyl looked thoughtful.

"Where�s Mary Sue?"

----------------------

"So basically there�s no end to the parallels between the universes?"

Exar smiled. "None. There are even worlds where humans have never inhabited the earth, and places where universally-omnipotent beings wander the universes like crossing a street."

Mary Sue smiled. "Impressive. I think I could get to like it here." Exar sighed and chuckled.

"Unfortunately, my dear, you�ll forget everything you�ve learned here in a few days. It�s just the way it works. I mean, what if everyone who came here remembered having visited a parallel universe where their own reality was fictionalized? It would most likely drive them insane after a while," he said, leaning against the alley wall.

Mary Sue sighed. "So, it�s back to bailing my brother out of jail and fending off little green Jedi perverts for the rest of my life."

"Unfortunately."

"So why bother telling me any of this in the first place?" she asked. Exar shrugged.

"Blatant Plot Device. Someone has to explain the premise of the story to someone," he said. "Besides, I�ve read all your stories too." He smirked. "I just wanted a chance to meet you." She smiled.

"Well, you�ve had your chance, now what?" she said. He sighed again, standing straight.

"You go back to your universe, and someone tells your creator that someone�s been ripping off her characters. She�ll come here, at least in some form, experience the story, and most likely send hate mail to the Metaverse for playing with her toys," he said.

"In any eventuality, at least I�ll have the ability to tell her how much I enjoy her writing, and that I�ll be waiting for the next chapter in her new universe to unfold. And if she doesn�t come," he paused, then paced toward the door. "Perhaps I�ll have Evyl-wan send one of those email things to her saying just that much, from the both of us." He opened the door for her.

"And perhaps she�ll get pissed and come here in person and kick all your asses back to wherever you came from," she said.

"Perhaps," Exar said, holding the door for her.

"Perhaps," Mary Sue said, walking past him into the club�s kitchen. He waited for a moment, then followed.

"And perhaps I�ll just leave playing MetaGuide to the Lady of the Verse," he added quietly, closing the door behind him.

-------------End-------

My thanks in advance to everyone for just being there.

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© 2002 ShellyFett