break
i know this is the most desparate thing i've ever written but times are shit. this will prolly make things worse so have at it.
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ok!!!! it's official! i can't pretend anymore! i am having a major breakdown!!!! no more of this be positive shit. i hate myself. somehow i have gotten myself into the shittiest place i've been in a very long time. i can't take this anymore. i don't know what the hell i'm doing. i've fucked up the thing which is most important to me.
i have several problems right now, the least of which is my legal situation. to make matters worse, i have no one in the entire world that i can talk to. my confidante and best friend is scared of me. my other best friends live in chicago and san francisco. khristal will listen, but she's always in play rehearsal... i need to be hugged. i need to be treated like a sensitive human being. i am sooooo lonely. i have walked around with a knot in my stomach for 3 days. i feel ike i'm going to throw up. i want to scream, but no one listens.
I AM NOT OKAY!!!!!
the problem that predominates right now is tamara. not because it's a terrible problem, but because it's easy to project my insecurities onto. basically it started when tamara broke up with me so that she could focus on school. i misunderstood, thinking it was like the last time she "broke up" with me. last time, nothing really changed, she called me the next day and declared us not broken up. i thought we would continue how we had. well, we didn't. we never talk anymore. it just makes me so sad, not just because she won't talk to me, but because without here, there's no one for me to open up to, there's really no one for me to talk to. i guess i just thought she would always be there, always understand. i don't know.
my relationship with tamara is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. i have never been so close and intimate and just great with any other person. for the first time in a long time, i felt understood. like reall understood. a few months ago, she called and asked me if i wanted to get married in december. after some deliberation i said yes with no reservation. that is what i want more than anything.
i just don't understand. i think that the current situation is the result of misunderstanding on both parts. somehow it's gotten to the point where she won't call me for fear of me being sad and her not calling makes me sadder.
i don't know, i was always there for her when shit hit the fan and she had her breakdown or when she had no one to hang out with. i was understanding about mistakes.
i just miss her. that's all it comes down to. i miss our time together. i would move back to florida or make plans, but i don't think she wants that. i'm confused.
oh well, i'm going to go crawl under a rock because this is about the most pathetic thing i've ever fucking read.
