Justice Under Pressure
"Hey Dad, how have you been?"
"Good Justice, about as good as an old guy could be these days. I see you brought my grandchildren with you, come here you two. Come see your ol' grand daddy."
As little Terry and Trina came running down the cobblestone pathway I could vaguely remember the first time I came here to what used to be called "Friendly Hills Retirement Home". I came here to visit my grandmother, she and I had a very tight relationship. I came frequently to see her, but during some of my most trying times I was here so much that some staff members thought I was a resident. The time that will forever stay with me was the day I found out that I was pregnant. My grandmother knew something was wrong as soon as I stepped into the room that Tuesday morning. The news of the pregnancy was a little bit of joy, sadness and most of all shock. I mean, what would you feel if you were the first man in the history of this world to be given that prognosis. My grandmother took me in her arms, the same ones that have held me close since I was a small child. Now, a grown man, those same arms are again holding and caressing my mind back to the times when things were simple. Back past the days of confusion about my sex-life, back past the days of being questioned at school for not having a steady girlfriend. All the way back to the days when I lived with my grandmother and grandfather on our farm back in Louisiana
One word was all it took to bring me back to reality.
"Gerald..." My grandmother's voice could heal all wounds and melt away all the glaciers of pain that entrapped my brain.
"Gerald, baby. What's wrong?"
I didn't answer. How could I? Now I knew I could tell my grandmother anything, but this was way more than even I could handle. She knew of my sexuality and my struggle with keeping it a secret from my other family members and even though she knew it didn't make talking to her any easier. I loved my grandmother too much to hurt her and I feared the day I had to tell her about my sexuality. I thought it would be the end of my world not the mention the fact that I experienced my first and last suicide attempt (which landed me in the hospital for four days and a two week mental evaluation). When I finally told her, she gave this look as if what I said wasn't even news to her. All she did was slice me a large piece of her fresh baked peach pie. The wisdom my grandmother had was far beyond that of many women of her time. She told me that whenever I felt like the whole world was coming down on me, just think of her peach pie.
"Gerald, this pie pan represents my body. The peaches inside, the people in our family and the sauce our love for each other. Last but definitely not least is the crust which represents my love for you all. Now Gerald, as long as this pie pan is here my love for you will be stronger then ever, but if the pan is gone I will still continue to hold on to my filling for as long as the sauce will allow."
By now tears were streaming down my face, I couldn't hold them back. My grandmother then became worried.
"Gerald, baby. What's wrong? How can I help you, if you don't give me the power to do so." Said my grandmother as she unavailingly wiped my tears away.
"Well Ma'," I always called her "Ma'" when I was really in a bind. "I have something incredible and maybe even devastating to tell you."
"What is it baby, you know what ever it is you can always tell mama."
"Mama" was right. My grandmother was all I knew of a mother, my real mother had left me with my grandmother to pursue a life abroad. The last time I heard from my mother was when I was seven years old. She sent me a letter stating that she missed me, but it was a strong possibility that she would never see me again. I cried almost all night, until my grandmother told me that no matter how far or long my mother was gone she would always love me. I really didn't believe her, but it felt good to hear at the time. Don't get me wrong, I do love my birth mother. It's just hard to love someone you have never seen. I'm just fortunate that my grandmother was able to make a grand replacement. She made sure that no matter how she was feeling that I was always well taken care of.
"I know Ma. It's just difficult to put into words."
"Now baby, you've already gotten this far. Just spit it out. It will be OK, I promise."
I shook my head in hopes that I would wake up from this dream life turned nightmare overnight. My job had just picked up, my car was almost paid for and I had one more semester left before I gained my B.A. in architecture. I finally was able to get Trevor to...
"Oh, my God! I haven't even told Trevor, yet." The thought of my sexual escapade with a close and special friend, made me realize how important he was in the whole ordeal.
"Hold on baby, you haven't even told mama, yet. Let's not get a head of ourselves."
"I'm sorry Ma." By now my tears had ceased. "I didn't mean to have you worry like this, but I guess I will just have to say it." I paused for a moment. "Ma, I'm pregnant."
"What?... How could this be, men don't get pregnant." She paused. "Baby, you must be mistaken. Did you see a doctor?"
"Yes Ma. I did, even went and got a second opinion."
"Well get a third or a fourth. This just isn't right, God did not mean for it to be this way."
This was the first time my grandmother ever brought religion into anything that even remotely had to do with me. It felt weird, but then again so did me having a child living and growing inside me. I suddenly became defensive as I always did when I felt threatened.
"Well I guess next you will be blaming all this on my homosexuality?"
"Shh...Baby, not everyone here needs to know your business."
"Oh now your all of a sudden ashamed of me. Or have you always been ashamed?"
"Baby, this is a side of you I have never seen before, what's wrong?"
"What's wrong?? Ohh, now what's wrong? What's wrong is that this is a side of you I have never seen before. I thought you loved me Ma?"
"Baby, I do love you, I always have and will. I just want what's best for you. And right now I think that it would be best for you to get another opinion."
"Ma." I said as I took a deep breath. "I can't see anymore doctors. You don't know what I've been through these past three days."
I explained to my grandmother all the test and CAT scans I have been through and how many of the doctors wanted to pull me inside out and turn me into their own little science fiction guinea pig. I explained to her of how I could no longer stay at home. My answering machine was full of messages from doctors, tabloid magazines, TV News reporters and countless others. I told her how I had to sneak out of my own house through a rear window just to avoid all the cameras and reporters.
"Baby, where have you been staying?"
"In a small no name hotel in Downtown."
"Why? You make good money you can..."
"Ma, they can trace my credit cards."
"Oh, I see baby... So what about your job?"
"I called my boss and told him I was going to take my vacation early. My secretary said that she had already started to receive phone calls from some unknown person about some pregnancy. She thought I was involved in some child custody battle."
"Well baby what are you going to do now? Are you going to contact the father? IS there a father."
My grandmother's question was well justifiable. It's not like everyday your grandson comes up to you and tells you he's pregnant. Who is the father? That was a good question, but one that was easily answered.
"Trevor Williams, Ma...Trevor is the father."
"Trevor?...But how? I thought Trevor was not...you know..."
"Gay? Ma. That is the word you are looking for right? You can say it Ma, it won't kill you to say it."
"OK! Gay damn it, I didn't think he was gay. There I said it, are you happy now?
"No, the real question is are YOU happy now that you said it?"
By now the staff at the home were beginning to stare and wonder at the clamor that was coming from room 208. I decided not to further upset my mother, since it wouldn't do either of us any good. I looked at my grandmother's face and pulled two pieces of tissue from the box on the night stand. As I wiped the slow forming tears from her face, I remembered that I still needed to call Trevor.
"Ma, can I use your phone?"
"Sure baby, it's in the night stand."
"Thanks Ma."
I reached into the top drawer of the night stand and there was an old rotary phone. I pulled the phone out to my lap and struggled with the small holes on the phone as I held the receiver to my ear. It seemed like forever for the phone to finally dial out the eleven digit number. It was nearly twelve in the afternoon, I could only hope that he was still there.
"Hello, Trevor Williams Editor and Chief of L.A. Sports West Magazine. How can I help you?"
"Trevor are you sitting down?" My voice was shaking.
"Gerald? Yeah, ...sure I'm sitting down. What's up?
"Well I don't really know how to begin..."
"Is this about all those reporters and shit at your house?"
"You've been to the house?"
"Yeah, your answering machine is playing a message about being full, call later"
"Trevor don't go to the house again..."
"Gerald what's wrong? Where are you? Are you safe? What's going on?"
"Yes, Trevor I'm safe. Do me a favor can you come to Friendly Hills, please."
"Yeah, sure I'll be there in a moment. Are you sure that you're OK?"
"Yes, Trevor I'm OK. I just really need to talk to you face to face."
"I'll be there in about fifteen minutes or sooner, is that OK?"
"That would be great, the sooner the better."
As I waited, my grandmother had a few more questions about my pending situation. I tried to answer them to the best of my knowledge, but my studies in architecture didn't take me deep into the domain of biology.
"So, are you going to the hospital to have the baby? How are you going to have this baby?"
"I don't know Ma. I want to go to the hospital, but all the test and questions. I couldn't deal with it, nor could I take the baby through all of it."
"Have you considered..." she paused. "Have you considered an abortion?"
"I'm not going to sit here and lie to you. I have thought about it, but this feeling deep within me keeps telling me it's wrong to think like that. It's the same feeling I had when I thought about suicide. Only this time it was deeper, way deeper."
"Well baby no matter what you decide, I will be behind you all the way."
"Thanks Ma, that means a lot to me."
"Mrs. Cuttlewood, you have guest in the main lobby. Mrs. Lura Cuttlewood, you have a guest in the main lobby" Blurted out the voice over the PA system. I looked at my grandmother as she looked at me with a knowing glance. She wasn't expecting anyone, so she knew it had to be Trevor.
"Well, you better go talk to him. You two have a lot to talk about."
"Do you want to see him too?"
"No baby go on ahead, this is your time. I have plenty of time to talk to the father of my grandchild later."
I had already started to head for the door, when a rush of peace came over me. I turned back to see grandmother picking up her crochet needles and some yarn. I walked back to her and gave her a loving hug and whispered "I love you mama" in her ear as I kissed it. She smiled and continued knitting the future blanket of my precious future. As I hurried down the wide hallway to main lobby, I could definitely hear Trevor's soft baritone voice. Then it was another voice, a woman's. Obviously, the receptionist at the front desk had taken a liking to the tall and beautiful ebony man standing patiently in front of her. As I rounded the corner, I was almost overcome by the beauty that was Trevor. He was a walking six feet two masterpiece and his smile was almost hypnotizing. He ceased his conversation with teenage receptionist when he saw me. My eyes began to tear again as we lovingly embraced.
"Now, you can't lie to me know and tell me everything is OK." He could surely see the tears I blinked back as I approached.
"Trevor, I could tell you that and it would no longer be lie, because you're here."
"So what is it? Are you involved is some secret child custody battle?"
"No, it's deeper than that." I said as I wiped away the small tear that had formed at the corner of my right eye.
"Well all those reporters outside your house said..."
"This is not the best place to discuss this, can we go somewhere else?"
"Sure, let's go back to my place. I can make us some of my renowned Wonder Bread sandwiches."
Trevor's joke didn't even crack a partial smile, but his attempt showed how much he cared. This was the way he handled all situations, with a little bit of humor and a lot of understanding. Even in high school he was voted most likely to become a comedian. We shared some good days together in high school. We were both on the Ice Hockey team, both very popular with the ladies (me for many other reasons besides sex) and both of us were fine as Hell. Not much has changed with me since then other than my job at this gay youth organization as the Vice President and this pregnancy. Trevor on the other hand has gained about twenty five pounds of well sculpted muscle as well as a nice girl friend of three years named Naomi.
"Come on man, we need to get you out of this mood you're in. It just doesn't fit your face."
Trevor and I walked out of the double doors to his Royal Blue Lexus. In no time we were speeding out the driveway heading towards the Hollywood Freeway. I admired the style and look of his custom made car. The interior just screamed 'I've got money, now deal with it', all through high school Trevor would rave about how he would have his car made when he became famous and now his dream car is in his command. His full name was imprinted in very fancy script across all the seats, he had a beautiful winter landscape engraved into his sun roof and the sound system sounded better than most of the ones I experienced in peoples homes. As we neared the freeway Trevor looked at me and smiled his heart melting, stopping, breaking, trobbing (and just about anything else that could be done to a heart full of love for the man) smile. I always felt like a small child when he smiled at me like that. I could no longer keep it under wraps, it was now or never.
"Trevor, I'm pregnant."
"WHAT?!?" The car swerved wildly as Trevor tried to avoid rear ending a near by car. "Did I hear you correctly?" He continued after the avoiding the frightful accident.
"Yeah Trevor, I'm pregnant. I know it sounds crazy, but it is true. I've already seen two doctors."
"But how, you're a man? I mean, come on this... this stuff only happens in movies. Are you totally sure?" Trevor tried hard to hold back his hysterical laughter, but it was to no avail. His mind was so submerged in the thought of his best friend (a guy so close to his heart that he deemed him as his brother) being pregnant that he almost missed his exit to Mulholland Drive.
"Trevor stop laughing, this isn't funny. This is very serious, I'm scared and I don't know what to do next."
"I apologize Gerald, but this is just to unbelievable. You've pulled some stunts before, but this just takes the cake."
"Oh, so you think this is some kind of joke? Trevor, I'm serious."
"Yeah, sure and the Easter Bunny delivers my mail every morning."
"Why do you think I called you today?"
"I don't know? You tell me. Is it some wild party with some of your gay friends that you're trying to butter me up for or do you want to use my cabin in Big Bear for another passion filled weekend with some sexed crazed guy? Is that it? Just tell me."
"No, it's none of that. This is no joke Trevor. This time it's for real." More tears began to flow down my face, but Trevor had seen all this before too.
"I know now, Naomi set you up to do this, huh? She wants me to start thinking of us having a baby together. Oh boy you guys are good. Real good."
The car pulled into Trevor's luxurious 50 acre estate, I recalled the day we drove by the place and Trevor said that one day he would own that house or one just like it. The house was dual story, pure white with six bedrooms, four bath rooms, a den, sauna, and a Jacuzzi/pool combo. The post college years with Trevor were days to remember. The house was never short on overnight guest, but all that was now behind him. After meeting Naomi he cut out all the wild all night parties for evening get togethers with a bunch of boring old folks he had nothing in common with.
Now here I am on the steps leading up to a house that holds so many memories with a man who has been the secret love of my life for over nine years, feeling the desperate need to kiss him into believing and understanding my current dilemma. I knew that the one night that we shared was his way of showing his true love, trust and understanding for my wanting of more than friendship from him. It was also made clear that it would never be mentioned to anyone and a reoccurrence was highly unlikely. It hurt me to think that the one man I felt so strongly about in this natural world was doing this only to satisfy my insatiable need and love for him, but during the act, I think he must have felt something. I have no idea what it could've been, but ever since he seems to be more at peace with how we both interact with each other. Not to mention that our friendship some how felt renewed, like a soft winter snow after a hard torrid blizzard. All things seem to be moving up in my life, new opportunities were everywhere and best of all I had my deepest fantasy fulfilled.
Trevor stepped into the sky lighted entrance way to his home and went directly to the small table next to the stairs leading to the upstairs pool area and his bedroom. He grabbed the cordless phone, removed his shoes at the bottom step and headed upstairs, he motioned for me to follow. I didn't hesitate, I removed my socks and shoes and was hot on his heels. He pressed the speed dial button and was quickly connected to his secretary. I was still amazed every time I reached the top of the stairs to see the indoor pool sparkling behind a glass paneled hallway. The nights Trevor and I shared within this area of house was a novel within itself, not including the hours we spent conversing about our future in the hot tub. The automated roof canopy was open and the sun shown brightly down on the clean and clear Olympic sized pool. I entered Trevor's bedroom and watched the reflection of the pool water dance all over the walls. Trevor was just putting down the phone to change shirts. His well toned abdominals and pecs quivered with every movement as he pulled off the emerald green cotton shirt and replaced it with a soft purple silk one. He quickly grabbed the phone and placed it back to his ear.
I watched intently as he removed the slack from his well defined legs, displaying his white cotton boxer-briefs tightly hugging perfect round cheeks and a nice frontal package. I could feel my excitement growing slightly below my belt buckle. He strutted around the room looking for his sweat pants, which he found thrown under a chair near the closet. As he bent over to retrieve the pants, his partially erect sex was silhouetted in the boxer-briefs. My sex was now fully erect and trobbing against the zipper of my black corduroy pants. Trevor sat on the bed and put on the loose fitting sweats with minimal difficulty. I crawled across the king sized bed to the end where Trevor was sitting and softly began to massage his shoulders. They were not tense, but his body enjoyed the pampering.
"Well I'm proud of the way you handled that advertisement agent James. I'll be sure that I recommend you to the boss for that raise... Oh, yeah I am the boss. ...Yeah, sure. How about five added to the fifteen you already receive?...No, problem. Twenty-one then. You know you drive a hard bargain... OK, do me a favor before you go. Transfer all my important calls to my pager...Yeah, you too and thanks." Trevor pressed the off switch on the phone and turned to look me straight in the eyes. In one sudden movement that caught me completely off guard, he dropped the phone and had me pinned beneath him on the bed with his face hovering directly above mine. Every muscle in his body twitching with excitement and response to all my pseudo efforts to escape. The air between us seemed to tremble with sexual energy that was being generated by both of our bodies being so close. He held me there for a moment, then he released me, grabbed the phone and left the bed.
"So are you ready for those sandwiches?" He said with a small grin as he headed down the cylinder stair case that led to the kitchen.
I didn't answer, my mind was still analyzing the whole desired attack on the bed. I was frozen in place, the memory of his warm breath breathing down on me was still etched deep into my mind. I slowly pulled my self from the bed and descended the winding staircase into the kitchen. Did he have something he wanted to tell me? Is this finally the day? The sun shown brightly through the picturesque window to the kitchen that smelled of fresh sweet strawberries and the slight aroma of cinnamon. I squinted my eyes to compensate for the sunlight as I reached the bottom of the staircase. Trevor was already pulling things from the stainless steel fridge. A skillet was already sizzling with ground turkey on the matching stainless steel stove along with a pot of whole kernel corn. I took a seat at the bar facing into the kitchen and watched Trevor as he reached into his wine chiller that was suspended above my head near the Redwood cabinets that encompassed the room. His shirt raised to reveal his naturally groomed black hair that fanned out and over his well defined abdomen. The part of me that was shocked into retreat due to the sudden attack was now pushing harder against my zipper. I could feel every notch in the metal cage enslaving the passion surges below my belt. Trevor looked at me over his shoulder as he strolled back to the stove across from the bar and I only smiled at him, in hopes that he would refrain from asking me...
"So why are you so quite all of a sudden?"
Well there it was, the question that I didn't what to answer. My failure to respond put a puzzled look upon Trevor's face. He place the wine bottle on the counter and came over toward the side of the bar where I was shyly avoiding his gaze. I could feel his dark brown eyes softly gazing over every inch of my face. The scent of his body reaching out into my soul and touching my heart, melting it with the burning intensity of the sun during a super nova. I could hear his foot steps growing closer, I could feel his hand reaching out to me and my skin tensing up all over in anxious anticipation of his touch.
"So are you going to answer my question or not?" said Trevor as he rested his hands on my tensing shoulders.
"Just thinking."
"Oh, the great Oz has spoken." he teased as he softly massaged deeply into the muscled shoulders. "So what are you thinking about?"
"I'm just thinking about the baby I'm having."
"Damn man do you ever give up? What is this about? You and Naomi must be planning something big. What is it? A cruise or a trip to Paris again?"
"Trevor I wish I was playing a joke on you or planning some big event for you, but this is real. The only big event is this child I'm carrying."
Trevor walked away in disbelief. He grabbed the bottle of red wine he had placed on the counter earlier and walked back to the stove. A long silence came over the kitchen, even the frying meat in the skillet seemed to be at a hush. Trevor poured a little of the red wine into the skillet and turn to look at me with those soul piercing eyes. I knew he was searching for the smallest hint of untruth in my almond brown face. Only after he gave up his search did he speak again.
"So now I suppose you'll be telling me that I am the father?"
Again I didn't respond and my eyes fell into the dark refuge of my lap. I wanted to run into his arms and pray for his acceptance, but I had no idea how he would react to such a matter. There was a crash as the wine bottle shattered against the white hard marble floor, I quickly looked up to see Trevor down on his knees in crude mixture of red wine, glass and blood. I ran to his side and helped him to his feet.
"Oh God how could this happen? Why to me?" Trevor was in a daze, his words were mostly garbled within sobs he tried hard to contain, but to no effort. I escorted Trevor to the soft plush carpet of the den next to the kitchen. The blood running down Trevor's leg soaked deep into the once pure white carpet. I went to the downstairs bathroom near the den and retrieved the antiseptic, cotton balls and some gauze. When I returned to the den Trevor had moved himself to the leather recliner placed directly in front of wall mounted TV. The look of disbelief was still present on his face. I took a place on the carpet down in front of him, pulled up the legs of the sweats till they exposed the damaged area and began cleaning cuts around his knee. Small twinges of pain showed on his face, as a small tear ran slowly down his right cheek. I was just beginning to bandage his first knee when I smelled something burning in the kitchen. I put the gauze down on the carpet and ran to the kitchen, as soon as I stepped onto the marble floor I received a sharp pain in the sole of my foot. A shard of the glass bottle had found it's way deep into the heel. I quickly sat on the carpet of the den and remove the large piece of glass and deposited it on the bar. I continued cautiously toward the stove and notice all the water had cooked out of the corn and the meat had just begun to burn. I moved the pot of corn off the stove to the counter in the center of the kitchen and mixed the ground turkey till it browned.
After getting the kitchen back in working order I slowly limped back into the den to the recliner, Trevor had finished bandaging his knees and was watching some music videos.
"Are you all right Trevor?"
"Yeah, I guess so. What's going to happen now?"
"I don't know?"
"So you are saying that I am the father, right?"
"Yes Trevor, you are."
"Oh my, this is too much. But it was only one night... and your a guy. Something is definitely wrong here. This has to be some kind of joke."
"But it's not Trevor, I'm just as confused as you are, if not more so. "
"So do you plan on having the baby?"
"I plan to, but I don't know how or where?"
"Don't worry about that, I will think of a way to take care of it. I'm going to call my doctor over and get his opinion on this."
"Do you think that is wise, I mean I've seen two doctors already and all I got was a front yard full of reporters."
"Dr. Turner is a close personal friend of the family, I know he can be trusted."
"I hope you're right, I don't want you to have to sneak in and out of your house like I do."
"No problem, Dr. Turner has been taking care of my family for over twenty years. Trust me. Do me a big favor though."
"Let me guess, you want me to make MY famous lasagna dinner for tonight?
Trevor shyly smiled at me as I went back into the kitchen and prepared a beautiful lasagna dinner with garlic bread and a fresh garden salad. I had just set the table when the doorbell sounded through the house. I watched Trevor as he slowly, but casually walked pass the dining room toward the front door. After a short while I could hear the two men boastfully talking over football scores as they made their way to the dining area, so I prepared another place for dinner. As I was leaving the dining room to retrieve the wine and the other garlic bread from the kitchen I ran face to face with a tall light skinned man with neatly kept locks hanging just below his shoulders. Immediately I recognized him.
"Zack? Zacharia Turner. Now I know your not a doctor, are you?"
"Well, well I guess this is where the world has been hiding you Gerald?"
Zack opened his arms and I went to them in gleeful pleasure. His sweet smelling cologne was seeping into my black velvet shirt and I could hear a slight rise in his heart beat as we embraced. Beside the dreads and his height Zack look just like he did in middle school. His emerald green eyes were off set by reddish-brown eyebrows that were perfectly manicured. He now sported a stylish goatee and a large diamond encrusted College ring.
"Well I guess introductions are not necessary." said Trevor, kindly reminding us he was in the room.
"Oh, yeah. We were best friends in junior high." I replied. "We lost touch when I moved up north with my aunt after my grand mother took ill."
"Well it's amazing that we have so much in common. Zack's father is my families doctor and I've known Zack here since we were children."
"That is amazing, let me get the wine and the bread and we can finish this over dinner."
The dinner was great, I received compliments from both my handsome critics. We talk of how it was so coincidental that Trevor and I met in Washington. Trevor's father had just purchased a newly renovated shipyard and he wanted to manage it himself. Trevor loved to travel with his father, so he packed his bags and moved to Seattle with him. Trevor's love of the LA Raiders was one of the reason I spoke to him in the first place. I felt the need to be close to some thing or someone who was even vaguely familiar with anything from LA, but after having a long conversation with him, I found out he was from LA too. After that we were inseparable. His father would take us out on his boats on the weekends and during the summer we would sail with him all the way to Hawaii and back. During school we would help each other pick up girls and score them in note books on how long we could make them wait before they made the first move on us. Then the tryouts for the high school hockey team came up and we both made the team with little effort. Zack smiled at me and Trevor's trip down memory lane. He picked up his plate, the gold stem wine glass and motion for me to come to the kitchen with him. I grabbed Trevor's plate, put it on top of mine and headed for the kitchen.
When I enter the kitchen Zack was leaning on the counter near the sink. His hands were in his pockets and his face displayed smile of glee that will stick in my mind forever.
"What are you smiling at?" I said as I made my way to the sink.
"It's just so good seeing you here, but is it everything you expected?"
"What?" I said it with out even thinking. Did Trevor tell him about the baby?
"Trevor I mean, I know you two are together, right?"
"No we're not."
Zack was the first guy I ever told about my lustful thoughts for men and he was very understanding to be so young. He joked about it with me for about a week and then it happened the first weekend of summer break. His mother need to go on a sudden business trip for the weekend and it was already pre-arranged for me to stay over that weekend. Since his mother promised me the weekend she let me stay over anyway. Zack's mother went on frequent business trips to and from New York and some times England, his father had a three day medical convention to go to in Kansas, but he was used to being home alone.
Not long after his mother dropped me at his house that Friday night, did the unusual summer rains begun. California is known for its warm weather, but almost every other summer start with heavy rains and drizzle. This was one of those summers. Zack waved to his mother as she turned on her wipers and high beams. We watched as the white BMW made its way down the dark street toward the freeway. When the car was completely out of sight we went into the house. Immediately Zack started behaving wildly, it was the first time anyone had stayed overnight at his house. We ate pizza, played video games and watched cable TV(as well as each other) all night. During the credits of some action movie Zack turned the channel to a adult movie channel. He looked at me with a devilish grin and then turned to continue watching.
I watched with sinful pleasure until I fell asleep on the couch, but I was later awakened when Zack lightly tapped me on my leg. The room was dark and it was still raining outside. In a flash of lighting I could see Zack sitting across he was completely nude and his youthful sex was erect. I was shocked at the sight, but I also felt compelled to touch it. I reached slowly toward his lap, then his hand reached out to mine. I quickly withdrew, but he grabbed my hand and placed it on the small hard head of his sex. I was shocked, but at the same time ecstatic. His hand made it to the tight waist band of my Levi's and undid the button. After minimal difficulty my still developing sex was exposed to him. We sat there on the couch close together, our hands slowly caressing each others hard sex.
When I awoke the next morning I wonder if the previous night had been a sweet fantasy or reality. Zack came bounding down the stairs from his bedroom and ran straight into the kitchen. I followed in a playful rush. We ate two bowl each of Capt'n Crunch cereal and watched Saturday morning cartoons. Afterwards we took our showers, brushed our teeth, our hair and got dressed. I was still confused about last night, was it a dream? Before we left the house to go to the park I asked Zack what he did last night and he said he was sleep. Now I know I was not dreaming, but I'm not truly sure, it was very late. All day the thought of my previous night crept trough my mind. So many unanswered question and emotions. The sunset was hurriedly approaching and the street light were already on by the time we reached the front porch to Zack's house. The night started off the same as the previous night only this time I was not falling asleep.
The same movie from the night before was playing again and Zack watched with the same interest as he did the night before. After about an hour the movie end and Zack turned off the TV. He asked me if I wanted to play the game we played last night. It was the first indication that last night was not a dream after all. I agreed and in no time we were sitting next to each other nude with our hands on each others sex. Then something unexpected happened, Zack began orally servicing me and I started to tremble. Shortly after I fell into a deep sleep. The next day we decided to stay in and finish our "game". The rest of the weekend was a journey of self exploration for the both of us.
"Well, why not. It's obvious that the man cares for you a lot. I can tell by the way he looks at you." Said Zack anxiously awaiting an answer.
"First of all Tre..."
I was just about to answer when Trevor enter the kitchen. He was carrying the empty wine glasses that I had absentmindedly forgotten at the dinning room table. After placing the glasses on the center counter he looked at us.
"Don't stop cause I'm in the room, I'll be out in a minute. But just to let you know, my mother always said that if a room get quiet when you walk in that is usually a good sign t hat you're the topic of conversation."
"Trevor come on, you know we have more important things to talk about than you?" I said avoiding his eyes.
"Yeah, we were just catching up on old times." Zack covered.
"Well I will be in the den if anyone wants to catch up on the now with me."
Trevor went into the den, I could hear the sound of his impatient channel surfing. Zack and I exchanged glances. We were both relieved he did not come in sooner.
"So Trevor's, what??"
"Huh?" I was still thinking of how long we could keep talking without being rude to our host.
"You were saying something about Trevor before... you know." Zack made a quick gesture toward the den.
"Oh yeah, well Trevor is a heterosexual and he has a girl friend. The same one he has had for almost three years now. Now I know he loves me, there is no doubt about that, but I would be lying if I told you that I think it's only platonic."
"So,... I've been with my wife for five years plus I have a year old daughter, that don't mean I have to kick my boy toy to the curb."
"What! You're married, no ...wait you have a daughter? And a boyfriend? Talk about having your cake and eating it too. On that note I think we need to go to the den with Trevor."
"Ok...ok, but wait I have one more question.
"What now?"
"Have you a least seen it!?"
"Boy you're a mess. Let's go."
We entered the den to see Trevor stretched out on the large sofa on the far wall, he was watching a DVD movie of Species 3. His beautiful face was scarcely visible in the low flashing lights of the large TV. He rose to offer us the couch while he sat in his favorite seat in the house, the recliner. I sat at the end of the couch closest to the recliner and Zack sat in the center. During a minor scene in the movie Trevor went to the wet bar near the sliding door leading to the patio of the backyard. Trevor grabbed a Budlight from the small chiller, then turned and motioned to us if we wanted anything. Zack and I silently declined. Trevor stood at the sliding glass door pulling back the white curtain to watch the setting sun in the distance. The suns light painted a collage of fluctuating color against the back wall of the den. Even with his face turned away from me I could imagine the look upon it, I could feel the confusion within him. His feelings struggling with the days unexpected events. More so pondering his future from this point on.
"So, will your father be joining us tonight Zack? I said trying to strike up a conversation.
"No my father sent me in his place, there was an emergency at the hospital."
"What was the emergency?"
"One of his clients went into labor and she has had multiple complications with a previous birth, so he is taking extra caution with this one. The last one ended with a two months premature cesarean birth."
"So did you tell him Gerald?" Trevor's voice echoed trough my mind, body and soul. I was almost shaken by the coldness in his tone. When he turned away from fiery red sunset, his eyes focused directly on me. Never have I ever experienced his cold stare before. I felt every thing within me freeze solid within his glare.
"So did you tell him?" He repeated sternly.
"Tell me what?" A questionable look quickly appeared on Zacks face.
"No, I didn't him. I thought you would tell him." My voice was shaky, but firm.
"Tell me what?!" Zack was now almost demanding an answer, he moved closer to the edge of couch in an effort to get closer to the oncoming news.
"You mean to tell me after all that 'catching up' in the kitchen, you didn't tell him the most important thing to happen in your life."
"Awe Hell, what am I missing here? Somebody better tell me something!" Zack was now standing with his arms tightly crossed, eyeing the both of us.
"Well your boy here is pregnant." Trevor lazily pointed the beer bottle at me. Zack's eyes followed the spout of the bottle till he was looking me right in the eyes.
"Is this true?"
"Yeah, its true. I've seen two doctors already."
"But how?" Zack quizzed.
"It's a story I would not care to repeat at the moment."
"Well how many months do you know that?"
"The estimate was three months. Give or take a couple of weeks."
"Now you know I want to know who the father is? So spit it out. Who is he?"
The room became very still and for a moment it felt as if the whole world had stopped to hear the answer. I slowly looked around the room then to Trevor for direction, while Zack anxiously awaiting an answer. Trevor looked at me, then looked away. I didn't know what to make of his actions. Did he want me to tell Zack or was he afraid of who Zack would tell about the pregnancy. I myself knew Zack better than that. With all my thoughts I shared with him while we were young he never to my knowledge told anyone, but this was different. How often does this happen? I was still really surprised at how well Zack was handling the situation so far.
"So am I going to get answer or do I have to wait till the baby is born for a paternity test." Zack's words cut trough the stillness like a train through a small car.
"Well..." I hesitated. I was still unsure of what Trevor wanted me to tell him, but just when I was going to try to change the subject, my body suddenly felt like it was floating. Then I was falling fast. Since Zack was closest he grabbed me by the arm and eased me into the recliner. Trevor dropped his beer onto the floor and was quickly at my side holding my hand and fanning my face.
"Are you alright Gerald!? Is it the baby!? I'll call a doctor." Trevor was almost sweating bullets as he ran to get the cordless phone from the kitchen.
"Tell him not to call anyone, I'm OK now." I whispered.
Zack went into the kitchen to stop Trevor. I could hear them talking, Zack was trying to convince Trevor that I was OK. My head was still spinning, my heart racing and then the room became dark. When I opened my eyes again, I was in a semi dark room and I could feel the heavy weight of a down comforter above me and a soft bed beneath. I could hear the deep breathing of a nearby body on the bed with me along with the soft hum of the pool filter system. I adjusted myself onto my elbows, in the soft light from the pool I could see Trevor's body laying along side of me. His hands were tucked tightly in between his thighs, he was laying on top of the blanket and fully clothed. I gently slid out of the bed and noticed my clothes had been changed for me. I was in one of Trevor's warm cotton pajama suits that hung slightly loose, due to my small frame, I smiled a bit at the thought of being naked again in Trevor's presence.
I walked to the side of the bed near Trevor and watched his face as he slept. He was beautiful even in low light. I walked over to his dresser and found the bottom to one of his pajamas, I knew Trevor preferred to sleep without a shirt so looking for the top would have been a waste. I undressed him, careful not to disturb his slumber. I marveled at the smoothness of his harden abdomen and his lightly furred pecs as I removed his shirt. The belt and the pants were the most difficult to remove, but after careful coaxing they slid right off. His legs were glimmering from the light of the pool outside his door. His semi erect sex rising and falling at every inhale and exhale of his breath. I wanted to relive our night of passion, but decided against it. I dressed him quickly, put him under the comforter and slid in beside him. I laid there silently listening to the sounds of the pool and Trevor's deep breathing, thinking of the first time I seen Trevor's fully erect sex, pulsating at every beat of his heart. Then without warning Trevor's arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me tight against him. My heart now felt lodge within my throat, but after accepting the sudden comforting embrace I fell soundly to sleep.
"What the fuck is going on here!?" Naomi screamed. Trevor lunged from his sleep as did I. I suppose walking in on your man in bed with another man in his arms that you know for a fact is gay would shock the hell out of almost woman.
"Naomi, baby I can explain." Trevor stood slowly, still bewildered by the oncoming pain of a hangover headache.
"Trevor how could you do this to us, after all we have been trough? I loved you and still do, but this is pushing it Trevor. What is wrong with you?"
Trevor reached out to Naomi, who backed away shaking her head in shock. By the time she reached the hallway tears were running down her face. Trevor made another attempt at grabbing her, but only managed to remove her jacket before she took off down the hallway to the stairs. Trevor stumbled down the hallway after her and I remained in the bed room. A lone tear fell, I was not crying due to pain, but remorse. I have known Naomi for about ten years, we met in junior high school and I introduced Trevor and Naomi to each other some time later. Now she finds me in bed with the man she loves. What could I say or do to help her to understand. I heard the slamming of the front door, then the front door opened again. This time the door did not close. Shortly after Zack came up the stairs from the kitchen.
"Who was that?" Zack asked coming around to the side of the bed where I was sitting. He was still wearing the same thing from last night, which suggested that he slept in the guest room down stairs.
"That was Naomi, Trevors' girlfriend."
"Sound like she's an ex-girlfriend now."
"Well, I wouldn't count her out just yet. Trevor has a way with words that most find very hard to resist."
"That is true. So how are you feeling this morning? Did you sleep well? I know I would if I was laying next to Trevor."
"I have no idea what happened last night, but I do feel better this morning. Every time my body became overwhelmed with pain or soreness it seemed as if the Trevor's arms would hold me that much closer to him, canceling out all my ailments."
"Well, I hope..." Zack's words were cut off by the slamming of the front door. "I guess things didn't go to well with miss Naomi."
Trevor entered the room slightly out of breath and his face was misted with perspiration. He looked at Zack then angrily at me. His massive right hand still clenching tightly to the furred leather jacket.
"What the Hell did you do to me last night?" Trevor's voice echoed through the bed room.
"What do you mean? I did nothing. You grabbed me."
"Then where are my clothes?"
"I thought you would be more comfortable, that's why I changed you."
"Or maybe you wanted to fuck with me again while I was sleeping!"
"Trevor I would never do that to you."
"Well that's what happened first time."
"Oh now you were sleeping? Well I never heard a man call my name in his sleep while he was fucking my brains out! Maybe I should feel special."
"Guys, guys..." Zack tried to get one of us to notice him by waving his hand in between us.
"What?!?" The sound of Trevor and my own voice in unison almost knocked Zack out of his shoes.
"I think we should discuss this calmly over a nice breakfast." Zack suggested.
"No, I think it is time for me to go back home, Zack can you take me.?"
"After what Trevor told me last night about the news crews on your front porch I don't think that would be advisable."
"Look Gerald, I don't want you to go. I'm sorry for blaming you for this morning. It's just that Naomi and I have been trying for the past year to have a baby, but..." Trevor stopped short, shaking his head from side to side. His hand released the jacket that it had taken as a hostage. He slowly walked into the bath room and closed the door.
I had no idea that Trevor and Naomi were attempting to have a baby. Now not have I only slept with her man, but now I'm also having his child. I went down to the kitchen and Zack followed. We were both very silent, the whole house seemed to be on mute. I opened the cabinet, grabbed a can of coffee and the filters. As I filled the glass kettle with purified water from the filtration system, I received a soothing hug around the mid section. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back upon a massive shoulder. I could feel smooth lips slowly gliding over the surface of my right ear. The warmth of a hand sliding under my shirt and onto my still flat stomach, airily caressing the soft dark hairs that became erect at the slightest touch, then slowly sliding down into my waist...band...??
"Zack!" I screamed. Quickly turning around in the arms that held me tightly to see Zack still standing at the edge of the counter and Trevor's face inches away from mine. He had creeped down stairs without me noticing and now here we stand in this embrace. What did all this mean? Trevor never showed this kind of affection in front of anyone. I mean its happened before, but only when we were alone. Besides nothing ever came from it. Is he finally understanding what he wants or maybe it's just his way of making up with me? Whatever it is I like it and I'm not going to question it further.
With his face just inches from mine I could feel his warm breath on my lips. I wanted to pull him to me and kiss him deeply, but I didn't want to confuse whatever was on his mind with my vision of what I wanted to do. Then suddenly without warning our lips met. His lips pressed lightly against mine, then the pressure grew and I could feel my lips beginning to part. His tongue entered the small opening and found his way to my mine. I could feel my sex quickly rising and my breath becoming very short. The pounding of my heart felt like it was going to beat a hole in through my chest. All the energy within my body felt as it was quickly being drain by a force I had no control over. His hands roamed over every inch of my back leaving every hair aroused to the point that they felt like small pins all over my back. Then I felt a chill at my feet slowly rising up the back of my leg. Our lips parted and he looked down at me with a smirk. I could see he wanted to say something, but something was holding him back.
"Gerald, I need to talk to you..." Trevor looked around the kitchen at Zack, who's eyes appeared as if at any moment they were going to exploded out off his head. "...alone." He continued.
My body was now chilled from the waist down. I thought it was from the retraction of Trevor's warm hands from the low muscled curve of my back, but as I slowly began to follow him up stairs to the bedroom, I heard the sloshing of the water I spilled from the coffee pot in the essence of the moment. That explained the cold chill I was feeling up my leg, but it didn't explain the anxiety I was feeling as I ascended the stairs behind Trevor.
As I entered the bedroom Trevor was closing the door to the pool area. He motion for me to close the trapdoor to the kitchen stairs, which I did. I turned my attention from the stairs back to him, he was no sitting on the edge of the bed motioning with a small motion of his head for me to join him. I stepped slowly my heart racing faster than a prized horse in a derby. I had no idea what was his intentions, Trevor always had a way of surpassing my expectations. I sat next to him, our hands nearly touching. He moved his hand to mine and I quickly withdrew. It was my skin, my mind and every other part of my body besides my heart that was afraid of being this close to the prize and not believe that it was the real thing.
"What wrong Gerald?" Trevor's voice was soothing, but in my state of mind I was more focused on getting my words just right then on how he sounded.
"Nothing...nothing at all." It's not that I couldn't think of anything. It was completely opposite. I just couldn't think of where to start. I was consumed in thoughts of Naomi and how she was feeling to why this man has such an incredible hold on my soul. I needed to know why we were here in this room with all the doors closed and why did he kiss me down stairs only minutes after he just about killed me with words in this same room.
Trevor leaned in to kiss me and I once again withdrew.
"What's come over you Trevor? This is not normal for you. I mean I'm enjoying it and all, but an explanation would be nice."
Trevor turned his gaze toward the leather jacket he dropped at the door earlier. I could clearly see a tear forming in the corner of his eye. I sat closer to him and put my head on his bare shoulder, I could tell that something was welling up inside of him, something he had not wanted to reveal. His big hand rubbed softly on my knee, as his other hand in one move wiped whole face. He inhaled deeply and held it for a moment as if the answer to my question was somehow contained within that breath.
2 -- Revelations and Reemergence
"Gerald..." The sound of my name from his mouth was the very beginning of the rest of my life, after this no one could say my name and make me feel the same way again. "...you know I love you, right?"
I wanted to say yes, but my tongue was stopped by a large invisible mass in my throat. I could feel my eyes beginning to become teary. He stopped rubbing my knee and looked me right in the eyes.
"Well, I do Gerald. I love you more than any other man on this Earth and if there are other worlds out there, then I love you more than any man in this existence. But, I also love Naomi, she and I have been together for all this time and I owe it all to you for introducing us. Naomi is a wonderful woman, her beautiful bronze body, black hair, great personality and the soft touch of her full lips. What straight man would give her up?"
I didn't answer that question either, sense I knew it was rhetorical.
"I guess that's the problem, I'm not a straight man. What else could it be? All my life I've been trying to figure that out. My father always wanted me to be more of a man and I tried to be just that, but something else was not factoring in to his equation; my sexuality. I couldn't quite understand why I felt such strong urges toward men. Then one Sunday in church the reverend was preaching a sermon on being gay and I will never forget his words. His voice seemed to echo in my head like it was the actual voice of God himself speaking. He said, 'God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, if God wanted two men to lay together then he would not have stricken those damned fagots with that new disease.' And the whole congregation affirmed with applause. He then continued his sermon reading from the book of Romans 1:26 -32. The passage was very confusing, but from what I remember it said that sex between two men was punishable by death."
I became ashamed of myself, my feelings and my tears, so I locked them away; all of them, including myself. I started becoming the man my father wanted and loved.