[In the not too distant future…]
POV: The Satellite of Love, Bridge
Mike is sitting at the control desk fiddling with some of the controls. Suddenly the sound of light sabers powering up fills the room. Mike’s head jerks up at the sound before slow turning to the side and looking at something off camera. His face gets a scared look before he jumps up and runs away stage right. Suddenly Crow and Tom race into view from the left, wielding miniature light sabers. Crow’s is red colored and Tom’s is blue. The two begin facing off in a light saber duel, swinging back and forth at each other. Their computerized reaction and analysis time has been sped up enough that both are able to fight like Yoda, their energy beams whirling back and forth in red and blue blurs. Tom has enhanced his hover pod so he is able to leap in the air and do flips in mid air. Crow and Tom continue to duel back and forth. Mike pokes his head in from the side.
Mike: Welcome to the Satellite of Love! (looks at the bots) From the look of things, certain bots were able to get a hold of a pirated copy of Star Wars Episode 3!
Crow slices low at Tom who promptly does a flip in the air, slicing at Crow while upside down. Crow manages to block Tom’s saber. The fighting goes on for several minutes with each one doing incredible flips and saber moves until Tom manages to corkscrew Crow’s saber and send it flying. Tom holds the saber blade level with Crow’s face.
Tom: (yoda voice) Into exile I need not go! Won I have!
Crow: (sarcastic yoda voice) Fooled you have been!
Crow suddenly shoots Force lightning from his hands, knocking Tom off screen, sending his saber flying.
Crow: (darth vader voice) You don’t know the power of the dark side!
Tom: (off screen) Wrong villain!
Crow: Don’t make me destroy you!
Mike comes back in and sits down.
Mike: I can already tell it’s going to be a long day.
Suddenly the Mads light flashes.
Mike: (groan) And it just got longer.
Mike hits the button.
The Observer stands there in his black robe and brain in a bowl. Pearl and Bobo are not present.
Mike: (slightly surprised) Hey Brain dude. Where’s the mother of all evil and her pet flea circus?
Observer: (coolly) Madam is currently doing maintenance on one of the castle’s defense systems.
Suddenly an angry voice is heard from somewhere outside.
Pearl: Get back in that moat you useless piece of meat before I have you for dinner with drawn butter!
Mike and the bots look at each other in confusion and amusement.
Observer: (grumpy) In other words, she’s trying to coax the giant lobster back into the moat.
Pearl shrieks incoherent rants at the lobster as Bobo runs past the Observer with a giant shell cracker.
Bobo: (offscreen) I’ll save you Lawgiver! I’ll threaten it with this!
Pearl: (outside) Get that thing away from me you furry idiot! (CRUNCH) (ROAR) (SCREAM)
Observer: (sigh) I suppose I should go rescue them before the lobster has them for dinner. In the mean time I hope you suffer horribly with this fic!
All: NNOOOOO!
The Observer grins nastily at them and a beaming sound is heard.
Klaxons alarm.
All: AHHHH! WE’VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
[door sequence…]
Everyone takes their seats.
DISCLAIMER/WARNING: The MiSTing contained below contains mild language, violence, and adult themes. So, as a result, it's rated PG-13. Sorin, Loki, and any other fan fiction characters are the property of Belgarion, NOT me. Also, Mike, Crow, Tom, and Pearl belong to Best Brains Inc. So no lawsuit attempts, please.
Belgarion
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Rampart/9000/
Summary: With the Sword of Ti’mere at his side, the gargoyle Sorin Vilindas of Ipetia traveled into the East to do battle with the fearsome Dark Riders, not yet understanding the malevolent power that stood behind them…--Chronicles of the Black Sword
Disclaimer: Gargoyles belong to Disney. Sorin Vilindas and all similar characters are mine. All rights reserved.
The Book of Sorin
Chapter 2
CROW: I swear, if Brooklyn even shows up ONCE in this, I'll self-destruct.
He had been riding for several
MIKE: Minutes.
days now. Both he and his horse longed for the comfort of warm lodgings beneath a roof.
TOM: So they checked into the first Holiday Inn they could find.
Hard cold ground never made for a good bed and when it rained it was worse.
MIKE: Especially during severe landslides. The moral, kiddies? Never be too cheap to buy new horses.
Sorin Vilindas remembered the last town he had been in about two weeks earlier.
TOM: It had been infested by flesh-eating Zombies.
CROW: (As Zombies) Brains! Brrraaaains!
(MIKE & TOM SCOOT A FEW SEATS AWAY.)
It had been a rundown thing, with not many villagers. Most of the houses looked like lean-to shacks ready to fall down with the flick of a talon.
MIKE: So if I grabbed Talon and flicked him over there-
CROW: (As Building) Ker-RASH!
MIKE: Oops.
But even those rickety buildings would seem like palaces compared to the places he was forced to rest now. His earlier life as the son of Arcadian, Lord of the city of Ipetia, seemed almost a dream.
TOM: (Singing) Sha-boom, sha-boom. Life is but a dream…
CROW: (Covers his ears) Please STOP singing!!
He had had fine clothes, a beautiful house, and hardly a worry in the world.
MIKE: He sub-letted off the Sheen family.
He had planned to succeed his father as Lord when he retired in a few years, but the omniscient and powerful Oracle of Destiny had changed all that. He had traveled to the capital city of Heptias to learn his destiny, believing that he would
TOM: Win 1st place in the next Olympics!
MIKE: Get rich!
CROW: Become the Lord of the Oysters!
(THEY LOOK AT HIM STRANGELY.)
CROW: What??
(THEY MOVE DOWN ANOTHER SEAT.)
succeed his father.
He had been wrong.
The Oracle had told him of his destiny to become
CROW: Amidala's decoy.
a mercenary and fighter. As the Oracle instructed, he had journeyed to the city of Tanias to begin his new life. There, with the help of a band of thieves and assassins, he had recovered the fabled Sword of Ti’mere.
MIKE: Yes, we know that already. Move on, please.
Sorin looked down at the blade as it swung in the scabbard at his hip,
CROW: Promptly cutting his belt off and dropping his pants in a comical manner.
its golden hilt and silver grip glittering in the cool early morning sun. Sorin frowned as he recalled
TOM: That unpleasant time when a group of Village children had pelted him with large rocks.
the battle with the elemental guardians whose task it had been to guard the sword from intruders. The party had fought them with little success, as the guardians appeared impervious to most normal weapons.
MIKE: But use a Rocket Launcher on 'em, and they're history.
(THE BOTS LAUGH.)
Only the sword of Ti’mere had had an effect on them. Sorin knew that the blade he wore was heavily enchanted and very powerful, as he had beaten the guardians with relative ease. It seemed to be able to block almost any magical attack
CROW: Including, but not limited to, the Flaming Fart of Death!
and it had destroyed each guardian with a single thrust of the blade. Sorin wondered what other abilities the blade had.
MIKE: So use it on yourself and find out. End of fic. Everyone goes home.
BOTS: Woo-hoo!
PEARL: (VO) Guess again, Smell-son.
ALL: Dammit!
Sorin lazily turned his head to look at his companion Loki the Quick. Loki had been in the original party that recovered the sword. An exuberant young gargoyle and a thief, he was a constant source of laughter and amusement for the more taciturn Sorin.
CROW: Loki devoted his entire non-traveling, non-fighting, life to being a circus clown.
Loki had saved Sorin’s life when he had fought
TOM: Martha Stewart.
the renegade sorceror Flicker and so they traveled together.
"What do you know about the sword, Loki?" Sorin asked.
"Only what the legends say." Loki replied.
"And they are?"
TOM: (As Loki) Did I say 'legends'? I meant to say 'warnings'.
"It’s said that whoever wields the sword without fear will cause armies to rout before him." Loki replied thoughtfully.
TOM: (As Loki) Well, warnings for anyone who's not the wielder of the sword.
"Supposedly it can only be wielded by a champion. It has great magic too, but then you know that." Loki smiled at Sorin.
CROW: (As Sorin) I sure do! Best cure for Jock Itch ever!
The other gargoyle nodded. "Indeed I do know that."
CROW: See?
The sun marched higher in the sky until finally they came to the outskirts of a town. This one appeared to be regularly traveled through in the past and seemed in better condition then any they had seen in recent days. Heartened by this, they made their way to the local inn. After stabling their horses they went inside, hungry for a hot meal.
MIKE: They were craving a large Pizza.
CROW: (Deeply) It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno!
They gave their orders to the barkeep and sat down at one of the tables.
TOM: Breaking it under their weight.
Even though it was near noon, the inn was surprisingly empty, the few patrons glancing at the pair with nervous eyes. Presently a serving gargress returned with plates of hot meat and potatoes.
MIKE: Which were, unfortunately, more then a week old...
Dinner passed uneventfully as the two talked about unimportant topics.
CROW: (As Sorin) So, did you see how brightly the Sun was shining?
TOM: (As Loki) I sure did. Can blind you if you look right at it. Oh, by the way, did you fart at all last night?
After the meal, Sorin decided to wander about town to find
CROW: Horny girls.
(MIKE WHAPS CROW.)
CROW: Ow.
news while Loki purchased new supplies. As Sorin wandered about the town square he found an old gargoyle resting on a bench nearby.
MIKE: (As Gargoyle) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......
Wending his way towards him, Sorin sat down on the bench beside him. The old gargoyle looked up at Sorin
MIKE: (As Gargoyle) What the--? Didn't your mama ever tell you to let sleeping elders lie, boy?!?
and nodded.
TOM: (As Sorin.) Hi. How ya doing.
"Greetings stranger."
CROW: (As Gargoyle) Goodbye old friend.
"Well met, good sir." Sorin replied. "The weather is fine today."
MIKE: It's a beautiful day for Hurricane Dennis, isn't it?
The old gargoyle nodded. "Indeed it is. We don’t get many travelers these days. Where do you hail from?"
TOM: From Mars.
"Tanias. I am known as Sorin." Sorin replied. He had decided on the road
CROW: (As Sorin, singing) Life is a highway, I wanna ride it all night long...
(MIKE REACHES OUT AND CLAMPS HIS BEAK SHUT.)
that he would consider himself from Tanias, since that was where his new life had begun.
The gargoyle nodded. "I am Artrates, the Elder of this town."
Sorin nodded. "My companion and I have been on the road for many days. What has been going on in this part of the world?"
CROW: (As Gargoyle) Aside from the villagers spray painting on us while we sleep? Absolute jack.
Artrates snorted grimly. "More evil than good, I fear.
MIKE: Darth Vader must live there.
(CROW CHUCKLES.)
Indeed, our town has been visited by evil many times these last few months.
TOM: It's a yearly evil convention there. This year's guests included Michael Myers, Pinhead, and Vince Vaughan.
It is why the people here are afraid of those outside our little haven."
Sorin’s pointed ears perked up
CROW: And fell off his head.
at this. "Evil, you say? Wrought by whom?"
MIKE: The Blair Witch.
"The Dark Riders." Artrates replied grimly.
Sorin frowned. "Who are they?"
TOM: (As Artrates) The Dark Riders, kid! Weren't you listening?!
"They first appeared a number of years ago, traveling with the shadow
CROW: Puppets.
s of nighttime to wreak chaos in this and other villages. They have been reported numbering from one to four…
MIKE: But went braindead as to what comes after 'four'.
though the village that saw four is now gone."
"Gone?"
TOM: Yeah, it grew legs and walked away.
"Perhaps destroyed is a better word."
CROW: Saddam Hussein breathed on it.
(ALL WINCE.)
Sorin grimaced.
MIKE: Sorin made a mental note from then on to never eat spicy burritos again.
"Thus far, the Riders have allowed this village to stand… but I dread their next visit.
TOM: The Riders will bring their own more vicious children.
This small village may not survive such an attack."
CROW: Yes, the village will not survive Drew Carey skydiving with a faulty parachute right above them.
(MIKE SNICKERS.)
He paused for a moment, as in deep thought. Just as Sorin began to feel the conversation was over, the elder
TOM: Began snoring.
spoke. "We need help in defending ourselves from the Riders. I know it is much to ask… but will you help us?"
CROW: (as Artrates) Will you let yourself be horribly slaughtered long enough for us to flee?
"You’re right, this is a tall order," replied Sorin, "but I will consider your request. You will have my decision in the morning."
TOM: They went to get his decision in the morning, and found he had poisoned himself. The end.
The elder indicated his assent with a nod and a slow blink,
MIKE: (As Artrates) Oh, sorry. I had Dr. Pepper with my lunch.
and Sorin turned and walked away.
CROW: Until the Taco Bell dog ran up and started humping his leg.
"This is nuts,"
CROW: (Singing) Sometimes Loki feels like a nut...
TOM: (Singing) Sometimes he don't...
CROW: (Still singing) Sorin's got nuts...
TOM: (Ditto) Loki don't.
(MIKE CHUCKLES.)
CROW: (Emcee voice) Thank you, thank you. We perform every Monday and Thursday at midnight. Come enjoy our next show.
were the first words out of Loki’s mouth after Sorin had explained the problem. The next words were, "You have GOT to be kidding me."
"The elder didn’t look like he was kidding to me," Sorin replied calmly.
MIKE: At this very moment, the elder is laughing/crying his ass off.
"How do you expect to beat these things? I’ve heard stuff about these riders that would make your tail curl."
TOM: The Riders strap people down and hold onions beneath their noses.
"What sort of things?"
MIKE: (As Loki) Things. Many things. Lots of things. An endless cornocopia of things.
"Brave warriors fleeing in terror from these things… a single Rider destroying an entire town…
CROW: With one fart.
(MIKE WHAPS CROW. CROW SPINS AROUND IN HIS SEAT FOR A FEW SECONDS, AND THEN COLLAPSES INTO IT.)
TOM: Oh, nice going, Mike!
MIKE: He'll be fine. I didn't hit him that hard.
And considering they can make lightning hit you from a clear sky,
TOM: Interesting.
MIKE: The Riders' leader is Storm?
I don’t want to mess with them."
"Do they drink blood, too?" Sorin asked skeptically.
TOM: Now we're getting into character info. The Riders are apparently all vampires.
MIKE: Where's Buffy the Vampire Slayer when you need her?
"No…
TOM: I guess not.
but they do eat souls."
TOM: AH! They're not vampires. They're succubi.
"Oh. Well. I’m not the type to believe in superstitions. They’re probably a bunch of dishonored knights who find amusement from terrorizing scared villagers."
"Okay. YOU fight ‘em. But when you get killed don’t come crying to me."
MIKE: (As Loki) Otherwise, if you do, I'll scream and bolt for the hills.
Sorin frowned.
TOM: (As Sorin) There's a Succubi standing behind me, isn't there?
MIKE: (As Loki.) Yes.
(TOM MIMICS SORIN LOOKING BEHIND HIM.)
MIKE: (As Loki) PSYCH!! Haha, you are so gullible, dude.
"In any case," Loki added after a pause, "I want to show you the supplies I got at market."
TOM: I kidnapped the little pig there.
"If you went shopping, why does your coin pouch seem bigger than before?"
TOM: He said he got stuff at the market. He never said he went shopping.
MIKE: Tom, what are you talki-- oh.
"I replenished that supply as well." He snickered.
TOM: He robbed Robin Hood.
(CROW POPS BACK UP INTO HIS SEAT IN A DAZE.)
Sorin sighed and went back downstairs to the tavern.
CROW: Tripping down the stairs on the way down.
The following morning, Sorin gave Artrates his decision.
TOM: Sorin wants to be President.
"I’m so happy you decided to help us, brave one," Artrates said with a smile.
MIKE: (As Sorin) Who said I decided to help you?
"Quite welcome. Now there are a few matters that need to be cleared up…
CROW: (As Sorin) I noticed. Here, I bought you some Clearisil.
the first is that I can’t fight shadows.
TOM: Well, OF COURSE you can't fight shadows!! Mike, is this fic almost over?
MIKE: I doubt it.
TOM: Dammit!
PEARL: (VO, fake sympathy) Too bad, Tom!
What do you know of these Dark Riders?"
CROW: (Singing) Riders on the storm... into this house we're born... into thise world we're thrown...
TOM: MAKE HIM STOP!!
"I know very few details of what the Riders are… but I have seen one - and it was terrifying to behold.
MIKE: Linda Tripp?
It was the first time the Riders appeared in these lands. It was clad in tattered black robes with the hood overshadowing its face, so that all I saw were its glowing eyes like a cat’s.
CROW: Wow. So even the Grim Reaper is a Rider.
It wore metal gauntlets of black steel that seemed to swallow
CROW: 'Swallow'.. Hehehehehehe.
(MIKE WHAPS CROW AGAIN.)
light rather than reflect it. Its steed was just as black, with flaring red eyes, and it was a massive beast, larger than any mortal charger I have seen before or since. With each breath, flames erupted from its nostrils, and its hoof beats were like thunder as it galloped. The Rider’s weapon had a black hilt, but the blade was polished silver, and gleamed in the light of the full moon, so that at times only the fearsome sword was visible. The leading edge of the blade was serrated, and each barb was curved backwards so that it tore at its victims like a wild thing unto itself.
CROW: (Grins) Cool!
Our bravest fighters fled at the sight of the thing, and were cut down like wheat under a scythe. If any survived, they have not dared to return."
Sorin noticed that his hands were trembling, and he balled them into fists. "Any-anything else? Is there any way to kill them?"
TOM: (As Artrates) I dunno. Throw water balloons at them, maybe?
"Not that I have seen… but there is a local wizard who might know. He lives a day’s ride from here, north of here. He is very old, and very wise, and his library is the most extensive in the land. If anyone can tell you more about the Riders, it is he."
MIKE: So, from that day on, Gandalf became a major character in this fic.
"Okay, I’ll go see him. Good day."
TOM: (As Jim Carrey) Good Morning. And if I don't see you, Good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight.
He was about to walk away when he remembered something. "By the way, what will be my payment for this?"
MIKE: (As Artrates) I'm sorry. You're expecting payment?
"We’ll discuss it when you return."
"All right." He turned and walked away.
TOM: (As Artrates) Heh he, he'll never come back. I won't have to discuss anything with him. Life is good.
That afternoon found Sorin and Loki riding out of a dense forest
CROW: The forest was stupid.
where it suddenly ended, becoming an open plain,
MIKE: If this fic features the cast of "Little House On The Prairie", it will SO be reaching.
on a dirt road that had apparently fallen into disuse over the years, as it was currently a furrow of short grass amid the surrounding tall grass.
TOM: As well as the medium-sized grass.
"So," said Loki, "we’re going to see a wizard
TOM: (Singing) We're off to see the Wizard...
ALL: (Singing) THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ!!
who knows something about these Riders?"
CROW: (Sorin) Yes. Now shaddup.
Sorin nodded. "He’s supposed to be wiser than even Artrates."
"Did Artrates mention how much we’re getting paid for this?"
"Sort of. He said we could discuss it when we got back."
TOM: (Snickers) "When" he gets back, he says. How about "if"?
"Oh. Okay. You think he might have something to say about our getting back?"
MIKE: (Sorin) Not unless you count him sending assassins out to prevent our return.
Sorin looked in the direction of Loki’s pointing finger, and saw a black silhouette at the crest of the next hill.
CROW: What's a Goth person doing here?
"Oh." He glanced at Loki. "Um… ride like hell."
MIKE: (Sorin) And don't look back!
Loki nodded emphatically, and they wheeled their horses around
TOM: Losing their balance and getting themselves crushed into the mud, pinned beneath the horses.
and spurred them into a gallop. Over the pounding of their mounts’ hooves, they heard a louder, more resonant pounding
CROW: Got a Migraine, Tom?
TOM: No.
MIKE: Too bad. Tum. Tum Tum Tum. TUMS....
as the Rider gave chase. Within a matter of minutes, they could practically hear the heavy breathing of a massive horse behind them. The Rider, unbelievably, then drew up beside Loki, and as they looked over in disbelief, they
CROW: Each flipped the other one off.
saw the shape of a rider clad all in black, its cloak streaming out behind it with its tattered edge flapping wildly in the wind. The hood, amazingly, stayed in place, so that they didn’t even get a glimpse of the thing's
TOM: What is The Thing doing here?
MIKE: I dunno, but let's hope nobody at Marvel Comics ever reads this.
CROW: (Sing-song) Law--SUIT!!!
face. The black charger’s red eyes glared at them with palpable malevolence as they passed by. As they drew slowly ahead, the Rider glanced over its shoulder at them,
TOM: (Rider) Heh. Losers.
and still they saw no face - only a pair of glowing yellow eyes under the hood.
MIKE: He's wearing goggles.
Beads of perspiration broke out on Sorin’s brow as he felt a tidal wave of chilling fear course down his spine.
CROW: Along with a chilling wave of something else in his body every time Loki touches him.
MIKE: (Warningly) Crow...
CROW: What?
Incredibly, the rider spurred its horse to even greater speed, and pulled ahead of them, reining in about ten yards away,
TOM: And went flying through the air when the Horse stopped suddenly.
CROW: (Rider) AAAAAAAHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh....
(MIKE MIMICS A THUD AND ALL FLINCH.)
TOM: Ooh, poor guy.
CROW: Sometimes it's just NOT worth it, getting out of bed...
where the dense brush closed around the path at the forest’s edge.
TOM: (Dense Brush) Ha ha, the path is closed! You are trapped here forever! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
(MIKE MOVES ONE SEAT AWAY FROM TOM, RIGHT TOWARDS CROW.)
CROW: Too bad, Mike! You're trapped between us now!
MIKE: AAHH!!
"Ohhh
CROW: (Loki, passionately) Sorin....
MIKE: (Whap!) I may be in the middle of you two, but I can whap you.
CROW: No kidding. (Winces)
shit…" Loki moaned, trembling with fear.
"Don’t worry," Sorin replied, trying to keep his voice steady, "We’ll get through this, you’ll see."
"Yeah, in many small pieces we’ll get through this!"
MIKE: (Loki) We'll get through this as long as we stick together, Sorin! (Pause) Nice knowing ya, Sorin! I'll grieve at your funeral!
Sorin drew the sword of Ti’mere from its scabbard and
CROW: Collapsed due to the Ti'mere's weight.
turned his uneasy horse to face the Rider. In response, the Rider drew a gleaming, serrated sword from some hidden scabbard under its robes. The hilt was a deep black that seemed to swallow
CROW: "Swallow". Heh heh heh...
MIKE: Stop that now!
CROW: Eep.
the light rather than reflect it, and the pommel was adorned with a silver skull. The Rider’s eyes glittered as it looked at them, as though it were silently laughing at them.
MIKE: (Rider) BWAHAhahahahahahaha!!!
Sorin barely had time to ready himself before the Rider reared up on its horse and charged
MIKE: His Visa card.
at him. Sparks flew as their swords clashed together with an impact that left Sorin’s sword-arm numb.
TOM: Then Sorin quickly discovered that the reason his arm was numb was because it had been lopped off. As Sorin looked down at his bloody stump in disbeliefe, the Riders overpowered him and force Sorin to the ground, swords hacking mercilessly. What was left of Sorin was sent to his family in a box the size of a cigarette pack. The end.
MIKE: If only it were that easy, Tom.
TOM: Yeah. Too bad.
He saw a flash of Loki’s
CROW: Loki waited until they were alone to flash him.
(WHAP.)
cloak as the thief darted forward and plunged his dagger into the Rider’s side. The Rider paused, looked over at Loki, and backhanded the thief off his horse,
MIKE: Accidentally hitting and scaring the horse in the process, thus getting himself trampled to death.
to land about fifteen feet away in a heap. The Rider yanked the dagger from its side, looked at it appraisingly,
TOM: (Rider) Hmmm, is this thing blood-stained yet? No. Better get crackin'.
and snapped the blade in half with a twitch of its fingers, tossing the pieces aside. Its eyes glittered again with dark mirth, and a hiss came from the shadows of its cowl, a sound that made Sorin shiver.
Sorin shook out his sword arm, regaining the sensation, and he charged
CROW: (Ted Roosevelt) CHARRRGE!!
once again, with only desperate survival in his thoughts.
MIKE: Survivor?
TOM: SURVIVAL.
MIKE: Oh.
The swords rang together again, sparks flying and nearly blinding Sorin.
CROW: (Sorin) Flying Sparks!! AAAAAHHH!!!
He swung frantically at the Rider, trying to find an opening in his foe’s defense, which seemed at first to be impenetrable. As his desperation increased, however, he noticed that he was gaining ground on his enemy, inch by agonizing inch.
The runes in Sorin’s blade began to glow with a dangerous green light,
MIKE: Causing the motorists to mistake it for a "GO" light and running him over. The End.
enveloping the blade in a greenish glow. The Rider shrank back from the glowing sword, hissing with frustration.
TOM: (Rider) AAAARRGHHHH! The blade's glowing!!
Sorin attacked with newfound confidence, forcing the Rider back further as the black-cloaked horseman assumed a more defensive posture.
MIKE: (Rider) Must... assume.... posture...!!!
The blade of Ti’mere hissed through the air past the Rider’s guard and screeched across the horseman’s black armor, scoring it.
CROW: (John Madden voice) SCORE! And the kick is good!!
(TOM AND MIKE IMPERSONATE A CHEERING CROWD.)
The Rider recoiled from the hit, staring at the slash in disbelief,
MIKE: The Rider can't help but wonder what Guns N' Roses are doing here.
but recovered rapidly and struck back. Sorin met the strike with his own blade, kicking up
TOM: Sand into the Rider's eyes.
CROW: (Rider, child-like) You big bully! I'm telling!
green sparks. The silver blade struck again, shearing through Sorin’s left sleeve as he twisted aside in the saddle, missing his arm by a hair’s-breadth. Sorin returned the slash more fiercely, the blade forming an arc of green in the air that intersected with the Rider’s breastplate with another shriek of protest, creating a jagged line in the black armor.
MIKE: Tonight on Fox... When Fencers Go Ape Shit!!
The Rider hissed with renewed fury and swung
CROW: (Sorin) Hey, genius! I'm over here!
desperately at Sorin, meeting the green-glowing blade each time. The swords blurred back and forth between the two fighters so that it was difficult to determine the blades’ boundaries.
MIKE: AAAAHH!! Blurry swordfight! Can't... see!!
With a hiss of parting cloth, the serrated blade bisected Sorin’s cloak from armpit to hem. The Rider turned his sword in preparation to slice across Sorin’s ribs, but Sorin got his own sword en garde and locked their crosspieces together. With a quick corkscrew of Sorin’s sword,
CROW: Sorin and the Rider decide to settle their differences over a drinking game.
the Rider’s sword flew out of its hand to stab into the ground and quiver there for several moments.
Sorin held the point of his blade near the clasp of the Rider’s cloak.
MIKE: Cause Sorin actually thought that stabbing the Rider's cloak would kill him.
CROW: Too much Bud Light there, Sorin, old buddy. Way too much.
"Do you yield?" he asked coolly.
TOM: (Sorin) Or should you keep driving?
The Rider’s eyes narrowed with malice. Sorin saw its empty sword-hand ball into a fist and barely ducked the metal fist,
MIKE: (Rider) You stole my X-box!!
CROW: (Rider) Gimme back my X-box!
which passed so closely that he felt the wind whistle above his horns. Without hesitating, Sorin thrust his
(CROW BLINKS.)
blade through the Rider’s breastplate,
CROW: Oh.
MIKE: (Looks at him) What?
CROW: Nothing.
MIKE: No, not nothing. What were you "oh"ing about?
CROW: Just forget it!
MIKE: Whatever.
feeling fleshy resistance beneath. The Rider shrieked shrilly
TOM: (Rider, feminine) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! PERVERT!!
and swatted the sword out of his own torso, tearing flesh and armor further, before wheeling its horse around and galloping away.
MIKE: (Rider) See ya. Wouldn't want to be ya.
Sorin was contemplating pursuit when he heard a groan behind him. He turned to see that Loki had recovered from being backhanded.
"I feel like I’ve just been hit by a cart and four," Loki groaned.
MIKE: Given Loki's strength, he'd probably feel like that after a fight with Angela Landsbury.
He tried to get up and almost made it, but then his legs decided otherwise and he sat down hard. "What happened to you?" he asked, rubbing a large, dark brown bruise spreading across his left cheek.
CROW: (Sorin) I pissed myself. OH, you meant in the FIGHT!! Um, he ran off wounded.
"I had a duel with a man in black."
CROW: He had a deal with Will Smith???
"Did you win?"
"What do you think?" Sorin frowned.
Sorin helped Loki to his feet and helped him onto the back of his horse, as Loki’s had run away during the battle.
TOM: Unfortunately, Loki was so weak, it took Sorin 3 tries to get him up onto the horse, and, even then, he almost slipped.
A few hours later, the tower of the wizard came into view. As they drew closer, their disappointment grew, for the edifice that they beheld was certainly not what they had expected.
MIKE: They'd expected it to look like Caesar's Palace.
A single circular pointed tower made of brown stone jutted up into the air a few stories tall. Though the surrounding grass was kept neat and trim, the tower appeared to have seen better days as it was beginning to lean. Stained glass windows near the top added a small bit of elegance to the otherwise plain structure. In the middle of the tower at its base stood a pair of large wooden double doors set within a stone archway. At the apex of the arch sat a crouching stone gargoyle, its toothed mouth agape and its eyes made from two faceted red gems.
TOM: (Stone Gargoyle) Hi, my name is Larry. How do you do?
Sorin and Loki dismounted from their horse and walked over to the doors.
"So. Do you want to knock or should I?" Loki asked unenthusiastically.
MIKE: Sorin couldn't decide, so they flipped a coin. Unfortunately, they lost it in the grass and it was the only coin either of them had, so they stayed out there for all of eternity, trying to decide who should knock, until the very end of time. The end.
Sorin frowned at Loki's squeamishness
CROW: Interesting.
MIKE: Loki gets squeamish at coin tossing?
and raised his fist to knock.
TOM: (singing) Knock, knock, knockin' on Heaven's door...
Suddenly the pair were engulfed in red light, coming from the gems in the gargoyle's eyes. The thing came to life, turning its head to stare down at them grimly, its mouth twisted in a snarl. Sorin swiftly drew his sword as two daggers appeared in Loki's hands.
"Hearken intruders!" the gargoyle intoned in a deep voice. "Who dares disturb the great wizard Kincaid?"
MIKE: (Sorin) Barney The Dinosaur.
(ALL SCREAM.)
Sorin's eyes narrowed at the stone creature. "I am Sorin Vilindas of Tanias!" he proclaimed in a loud voice. "This is my companion Loki the Quick! We seek an audience with your master!"
CROW: We want to treat him to the premiere of "The Devil's Rejects"!
"And why should my master grant this audience?" the gargoyle sneered.
Sorin clenched his fist around the hilt of his sword in frustration. "We seek knowledge of the Dark Riders! Without Kincaid's help we cannot defeat them!"
"And why should this concern me, or my master?" the stone creature jeered.
"If your master does not help us now, the Dark Riders will continue to overrun the entire countryside!" Sorin argued. "Can your master stand against all of them alone?"
TOM: (Sorin) Cause if HE can't, why do I expect us to?
The gargoyle appeared to ponder this for a moment before addressing the two.
MIKE: The gargoyle sent them Kincaid's answer in a postage-paid stamped envelope.
"Your audience is granted. But be warned! Those who attempt to bring evil within these walls doom themselves for my master's power is great! Remember this!"
CROW: Kinda makes me wonder what would happen if Demona ever showed up here...
With that, the gargoyle resumed its former stance and the glow from its eyes faded to nothing. Before the two could sheathe their weapons, the doors before them slowly opened on silent hinges. Framed in the doorway was an old gargoyle dressed in maroon robes.
"I bid you welcome Sorin Vilindas and Loki the Quick," he stated. "I am Kincaid, the master of this tower."
Sorin and Loki quickly put away their weapons. "Thank you for agreeing to meet with us, great one." Sorin said.
The wizard Kincaid nodded, gesturing for them to enter. "Come inside."
MIKE: Said the Spider to the Fly.
CROW: (singing) Spider-man, Spider-man, friendly neighborhood Spider-man...
(MIKE MOVES DOWN ANOTHER SEAT.)
The two inclined their heads in a bow
TOM: Bonk.
CROW: (as all of them) OW!
and followed the retreating wizard inside the tower. As they passed under the archway, the doors closed silently behind them.
MIKE: Catching Loki's cape.
CROW: (Loki) Leggo my cape!! Why are you guys laughing?! STOP LAUGHING!!
Sorin and Loki took a moment to examine the foyer in which they found themselves. The floor was solid gray marble streaked with black veins.
TOM: Veins?!?
MIKE: They wandered into the belly of the beast.
Around the room at regular intervals burned smokeless
CROW: Sausages.
MIKE: Don't make me hungry.
CROW:Sausages.
MIKE: I said stop!!
torches set in sconces in the wall. A large set of circular stairs stood before them that hugged the walls
TOM: (as Stairs) Hi, Wall. Lemme give you a hug.
and led to a small balcony. A pair of double doors stood against the wall at the rear of the balcony.
Kincaid gestured with a hand for them to follow him up one of the staircases
TOM: (Kimcaid) But watch your step...
MIKE: CRASH!
TOM: (Kincaid) Never mind. Sorin, let us go on without him.
that led to the second floor. At Sorin's first glance, the sorceror seemed anything but powerful. His age had slightly stooped his shoulders and back so that he walked slightly bent.
CROW: His knees also creaked with every step he took.
His frame was wiry and his green skin wrinkled.
MIKE: Green skin?
TOM: Lexington as an old Gargoyle, maybe?
His frizzled white hair
(CROW SCREAMS.)
MIKE: Relax, Crow. It's not Brooklyn.
stuck out from the sides of his head at odd places and his maroon robes were frayed at the cuffs and held together by a piece of dark corded rope. Sorin and his companion followed the gargoyle up the stairs, their talons making loud clacking noises on the hard marble. When they reached the balcony at the top, the old gargoyle took hold of
CROW: Them.
MIKE: One more perverse joke, and I'll deactivate you when we get out of here!
CROW: Eep.
the knobs,
CROW: Guess not.
opening the doors before them into a brightly-lit room. The gargoyle gestured for them to enter.
TOM: (Kincaid) Get yer asses in there!
Sorin and Loki nodded their thanks and stepped inside, Kincaid closing the doors behind them. The pair looked about the room with pleasure. The floor's wall to wall carpet was a soft yellow that matched the light coming from several ensconced globes about the room. The study's walls were lined with bookshelves heavily laden with tomes and papers of many kinds. Soft chairs and small tables abounded. At the back of the room sat a large, well-carved wooden desk flanked by stained glass windows. Kincaid moved towards the desk while the pair of adventurers sat down in some of the cushioned chairs.
MIKE: And the chairs collapsed beneath them.
TOM: (Kincaid) Oops, sorry! Haven't replaced these chairs since Abe Lincoln was alive.
As Sorin looked about, a thought tickled his brain,
CROW: (Thought) Tickle, tickle.
MIKE: (Sorin's brain, laughing crazily)
TOM: You two scare the crap out of me sometimes.
CROW: Sometimes?
hinting that something important had escaped his notice. As his eyes roamed about the desk, he saw the stained glass windows and frowned slightly in puzzlement, for all the stained glass windows he had seen were at the top of the tower, several stories up. Kincaid sat down behind the desk and fixed his eyes on Sorin. Looking to the old gargoyle in puzzlement he suddenly realized his assessment of the wizard had been wrong. The gargoyle's dark eyes were as sharp as surgical knives
MIKE: (Kincaid) Feel the pain of my eyes!!
and seemed to penetrate deep into his soul. Whatever time had done to the sorceror's body, it had in no way affected his mind.
Kincaid smiled slightly at Sorin. "To answer your unspoken question, Sorin Vilindas, we are indeed at the top of my tower."
The gargoyle stared at him in amazement. The wizard had created a gateway in space so subtle that neither of them had realized that took them from the base of the tower to the top with a single step.
CROW: It can also take them a single step to get from the top of the tower to the very ground itself.
TOM: The end.
The old gargoyle sat back in his soft chair behind the desk and sized up the pair.
MIKE: Kincaid's a cannibal sizing up his next dinner.
"The two of you came to me for a very important reason. I should like to hear that reason."
TOM: (Sorin) So would we.
Sorin nodded slightly. "As I said to your gargoyle outside, we seek knowledge of
CROW: (Sorin) The usual stuff. Where did we come from? Where are we going? And why is Loki such a wuss?
how to destroy the Black Riders. We were hired by the elder of a nearby village to dispatch them. But unless I know more about them, I cannot fight them."
Kincaid nodded thoughtfully at this, never taking his eyes off the pair. "I see. And you wish me to tell you what I know about these Riders."
"Yes."
"May I offer you some refreshment?" Kincaid inquired politely.
TOM: (Kincaid) Cyanide and Peroxide? I mean, uh, Chips and Punch, perhaps?
"No thank you," Sorin replied.
The wizard nodded.
TOM: (Kincaid) Dammit!
The stared off into the distance for a moment, collecting his thoughts while the two waited patiently. Finally, he focused on them again.
MIKE: Kincaid forgot what they were saying.
"What I know of the Riders I will tell you, but the story may be long in telling."
TOM: Great. Long story.
CROW: Wake me when he's done. (falls asleep)
Sorin shrugged. "If it will help us, we have nothing but time."
TOM: Cause all we have is TIME. Do you have any TIME? What does TIME mean to you? Do you have the TIME?!
MIKE: (singing) Ti-i-ime... is on my side... yes, it is...
TOM: Mike, please stop.
MIKE: (stops singing) What? I'm on a roll here...
TOM: Mike, just... don't. Okay?
MIKE: (grumbling) Unreal.
Kincaid smiled slightly. "As you wish. First, then, I will give you a history lesson."
TOM: In 1492, Columbus sailed to America...
Kincaid shifted in his chair
MIKE: Oops. Sorry. Major wedgie.
until he found a position to his liking and began to speak.
"Several hundred years ago our land was ruled not by an Emperor but was instead divided into neighboring kingdoms, each ruled by a
TOM: Lawn gnome.
(MIKE SNICKERS.)
king. Most of these kings were generally wise, as such things are measured, and had no evil designs upon the others. One king in particular ruled a land that was rich and fat and generally well off.
MIKE: I'm sorry, but... did he say that the land was FAT?
TOM: It must be where they'd buried Elvis.
The king's name was Faynor and he had a son, Gaynor,
MIKE: (Answering machine) Hi, you have reached Faynor and Gaynor. If you get this recording, we're either sitting around pondering what drugged out king gave us these goofy names, or we're not at home. Either way, leave a message, or we'll steal your all kittens. Bye.
whom he loved above all things. The king had a council of knights who served him well but he loved four of them more then others.
TOM: They had wild orgies every weekend.
MIKE: Tom, don't start sounding like Crow, okay?
TOM: I'm taking over for him with the perverted jokes until he wakes up.
MIKE: (sarcasm) Great.
These were his brightest and bravest men, skilled in the sword and shield. The king was also a devoutly religious man and he fervently believed that his kingdom was beloved by the gods of Law.
TOM: In short, Steven Bochco and Judge Judy.
As long as he placed his faith in these gods he felt his kingdom would prosper and of course, he passed this belief on to his son who believed it as well.
MIKE: Suckers. The whole lot of them.
And it seemed this belief was well founded as the kingdom prospered and was never troubled. However, not all the kings of the land were of such good nature. There was one, Morgoth, who was a neighbor of King Faynor and who became greedy with regard to his neighbor's land."
TOM: He was the Scrooge to Faynor's Jacob Marley.
MIKE: Um, is that good or bad?
TOM: (snappy) Just read.
Sorin and Loki nodded silently as Kincaid spoke.
MIKE: (Sorin) Just nod along until he shuts up.
TOM: (Loki) Okay, boss.
"However, Morgoth knew that he would lose a direct confrontation with Faynor because of the valor of his knights. Thus he contrived a plan. One day a messenger came to the king and told him of a great horde invading his kingdom several days to the south.
TOM: The entire horde consisted of Faynor's ex-wives.
MIKE: (Sighs)
It seemed that Morgoth was attempting to invade from the south and work his way north to the capital city, burning everything on the way. Gaynor and his chief knights urged him to send their largest force and decimate the horde whilst it was still far from the city. However, Faynor knew how cunning Morgoth was and thus decided to wait.
TOM: So, instead of doing the sensible thing and not fighting the "cunning" guy, Faynor just sits and WAITS?!
MIKE: (snappy) Just read.
TOM: Smart-ass.
MIKE: Bite me.
But Gaynor would not. He secretly got together a large group of soldiers including the council of knights and led an attack on the approaching horde. For several days they traveled. But in the end they found no enemy to fight.
TOM: They'd knocked the stuffing out of some guy in a giant Mickey Mouse suit, however.
The messenger had misled them. They quickly hurried back to the capital only to find it in ruins. Morgoth had counted on Gaynor's rashness and had invaded the city whilst the majority of the city's fighting force went south. Gaynor quickly learned of the death of his father and all that remained in the city. In a great rage, Gaynor cursed the Gods of Law for allowing his father's city to fall."
MIKE: Hey, YOU'RE the one who fell for such an obvious ploy, pal!
Kincaid paused. "Unfortunately the gods heard his curse and took exception to it."
TOM: (Gods) Grrr, he cursed us. Punish him with an army of furbys!
"For his arrogance, they spurned him and gave him over to the Lords of Chaos. The Chaos Lords twisted Gaynor and his chief knights, turning them into horrible creatures of evil power.
MIKE: He turned them into Teletubbies.
When the knights' bodies finally died they were resurrected as powerful undead, each totally loyal to Gaynor. They became cursed and the prince was to be forever known as Gaynor the Damned."
Kincaid sighed quietly. "His chief knights became the four Dark Riders you now face."
Sorin and Loki stared at each other in dismay for a moment.
TOM: (Sorin) Wow, Loki, did you smell that?
MIKE: (Loki) Lotta wind for a sorcerer his age.
"Is Gaynor likely to be here as well?" Sorin asked.
Kincaid nodded. "Gaynor no doubt resides here somewhere, directing his knights."
TOM: They're putting on a Broadway play about the lives of the Dark Riders.
Sorin sighed heavily. "Wonderful. Now we not only have the four Riders, but their master to deal with as well.
MIKE: Well, OF COURSE you have to deal with their master! What kind of action fic would this be if you didn't?!
TOM: This is an action fic?
What can you tell me about the Riders and Gaynor? How powerful are they?"
MIKE: (Kincaid) Powerful enough to peel potatoes. With their teeth.
(TOM SCREAMS.)
"Very powerful." Kincaid replied. "Each knight is undead and thus it cannot feel pain and is more resilient to normal weapons. They each create an aura of fear about them so that all that see them flee in terror.
MIKE: I highly doubt that. You see one Undead, you've seen them all.
They are each a masterful swordsman and are granted some small magical powers. Gaynor is even more powerful then his knights. He is an accomplished sorceror and swordsman. The armor of Chaos that he wears makes him all but invulnerable to mortal weapons. Only weapons of Law will damage him to any serious degree."
Sorin nodded, taking this in. "How do we destroy him?"
TOM: Sneeze on him.
"You cannot."
Sorin stared. "What?!"
MIKE: (Kincaid) I said "YOU CANNOT". Clean the peanut butter outta your ears!
Kincaid gazed at him grimly. "Gaynor cannot be utterly destroyed by any normal mortal. Only beings of great power such as
TOM: Inuyasha?
MIKE: Dick Clark?
(TOM LOOKS AT HIM.)
MIKE: How else do you explain the fact that he never seems to age?
the Gods of Law or Chaos or demi-gods such as the Champion Eternal would have the power to destroy him completely. The best you can hope for is to banish him from this plane. To do this, you must remove his helm and gaze upon his accursed face. Only then will he and his knights be vanquished."
TOM: Depending upon Gaynor's level of potential deformity, SORIN would be more likely to die from that then HE would.
Sorin nodded, sighing. "I will do what I can but I can see no way of stopping him."
MIKE: Sorin's blindfolded.
"Perhaps not," the sorceror replied, "but time may be your ally. And you have the Fearsword. That will help you a great deal."
"Fearsword?" Loki asked, speaking for the first time.
Kincaid nodded. "The Sword of Ti'mere. Its magic is powerful and will certainly stand against the power of the Riders and perhaps Gaynor himself."
"What powers does the sword have?" Sorin asked. "I have heard naught but legends concerning its abilities."
TOM: It has the power to shoot chicken eggs.
"And what do the legends say?" Kincaid inquired.
MIKE: The legends say that all the calls are coming from the man inside the house.
Sorin looked to Loki to supply the legends. The young gargoyle squirmed slightly under Kincaid's intense gaze before speaking.
TOM: Loki is afraid to talk about the psycho who was under his bed and licked his hand.
"I've heard that those who wield the sword can make armies rout
MIKE: Rout?
TOM: Yes. Rout.
MIKE: Okay.
before them. That it has powerful magic. I've seen it at work. Also that it can make anyone into a master of the sword."
TOM: It made Hiei into a master Swordsman.
MIKE: Hiei.
TOM: Jaganshi Hiei. 3-eyed demon.
(MIKE STARES AT HIM BLANKLY.)
TOM: Didn't you ever watch "YuYu Hakusho"?!
MIKE: Sorry.
TOM: It's an anime.
MIKE: Oh.
Kincaid nodded thoughtfully. "Close enough. Like the Riders, the sword creates an aura of fear around it and the wielder.
TOM: It creates a aura of Janet Reno. Nude.
MIKE: Eeewww!!!
The stronger and more confident the wielder grows in his ability to fight, the stronger and more far reaching is the aura. A swordsman who wields the sword with supreme confidence and without fear can indeed quail the hearts of many men. Some books of lore also say that the sword may be sentient to a degree, able to second guess an opponent's moves and perhaps move of its own accord. That would account for the legend of the wielder becoming a sword master. And since it is a weapon of Law created by the gods, its magic is indeed powerful."
"But know this Sorin Vilindas." Kincaid stated grimly, fixing him with a piercing gaze, "while the sword will give you a great advantage in fighting the Riders, it is far from all-powerful. It cannot protect you against all dangers and if you wield it with carelessness you will be destroyed."
TOM: So watch out for Hiei.
MIKE: Would you stop with this Hiei stuff?!
TOM: But he kicks ass!
MIKE: Whatever.
Sorin nodded nervously. "I understand."
(CROW WAKES UP.)
CROW: What'd I miss?
TOM: Not much.
"What about me?" Loki asked. "My daggers didn't do squat against those Riders and Sorin needs me. How am I supposed to fight them?"
TOM: (Kincaid) You don't. Which is why I'm sending you to fight. Have fun dying a horrible death!
"Perhaps I can help, young one."
TOM: (Kincaid) I'll have more fun killing you myself.
Kincaid muttered thoughtfully. "Lay out four of your best daggers."
TOM: (Kincaid) So I can plunge all 4 of them into your chest.
MIKE: Tom, that's getting old.
TOM: (Bender) Bite my shiny metal ass!
Loki quickly retrieved four daggers from his sleeves and belt and placed them on the table.
(MIKE IMITATES THE SOUNDS OF AN AIRPLANE CRASH.)
Kincaid sat in thought for a moment before taking one of the daggers in his hands. He examined it carefully
CROW: (Kincaid) Hmmm.... is this 100% titanium steel?
and then began to inscribe red glowing runes of power on the dagger with a talon. After a moment or two the runes faded, leaving the dagger looking the same as it had before.
CROW: (Kincaid) I guess not.
He carefully did this with the other three before returning them to Loki, who secreted them away again.
"Those daggers are now enchanted with magical patterns that should increase their potency." Kincaid said.
TOM: Now they can slice tomatoes with the best of them!
Loki nodded. "Thank you."
MIKE: (Loki) I can now make salads with ease.
"Indeed, thank you for everything, great Kincaid." Sorin said. "The knowledge you have given us will help greatly in our quest."
Kincaid merely nodded as the two bowed before him before leaving.
CROW: Stopping along the way to have a drunken party with hot lesbians.
(WHAP!)
Sorin and Loki returned to the village without incident.
MIKE: (Glares at Crow) Don't even say it!
Loki returned to the inn for a hot meal while Sorin went in search of the village elder. Sunset was just beginning as he made his way to the old gargoyle's house. Sorin found the elder reclining in an old rocking chair near the window. The elder stood as Sorin entered and bowed before him.
"Greetings, my friend," smiled Artrates. "I trust your journey was a successful one?"
TOM: (Artrates) DAMN! You made it back alive after all!!
Sorin nodded. "It was indeed. I learned many things about our enemy."
MIKE: Like his shoe size.
"Come. Sit down and tell me all that happened." Artrates said, gesturing to a stool nearby.
Sorin related the tale of the battle with the Dark Rider and the visit to the wizard Kincaid.
CROW: When he finished talking, he'd suddenly noticed the Elder's body hanging on a rope from the ceiling.
He briefly outlined Kincaid's history of Gaynor and the knights and spoke of their strengths and weaknesses. Artrates listened with interest as night fell about them.
TOM: (Artrates) Damn, this is one long tale...
Finally, after Sorin had finished, the old gargoyle sat back in his chair, deep in thought for a few moments.
CROW: (Artrates) Should I kill him for boring me like that now or later?
Then he turned his gaze back to the mercenary beside him.
MIKE: (Artrates) Why are you still here?
"Do you believe you can defeat them?"
Sorin sighed. "I hope so. At least I believe I can keep your village safe should the Riders come again. As for Gaynor…" he paused. "I cannot say I am very hopeful. His power is greater then anything I have ever heard of before. Only the greatest of champions could possibly defeat him. And I am no champion."
Artrates nodded. "I thought as much.
TOM: (Artrates) You suck.
Still, repelling the Riders is all that I asked of you.
Though Gaynor may lead them, I do not charge you with his destruction." Artrates smiled grimly.
CROW: Though Artrates DOES charge him to stand there, peeing himself, when Gaynor saunters up and slashes him open with one swing of a sword.
"Indeed, to do so would cost more then even the Emperor could afford."
Sorin smiled quietly lost in thought. Suddenly shouts were heard outside. The pair gave each other a questioning glance
TOM: (Artrates) Did you hear something?
CROW: (Sorin) No. Did you?
TOM: (Artrates) No. Let's just ignore it and hope it goes away.
CROW: (Sorin) Okay.
before exiting the building. Gargoyles were running everywhere in fright. Artrates quickly pulled one aside.
"What by the Lords of Law is going on here?!" he demanded.
"The Riders have come!" the gargoyle cried. "The Dark Riders are upon us!"
Sorin looked down the muddy street in dismay to the thundering of hooves. He let out a slight sigh of relief;
MIKE: (Kincaid) Okay, this is all just my imagination. I can go back to bed now.
only one Rider rode towards them. Sorin had been half-expecting all four Riders and perhaps Gaynor himself to come thundering into the village but saw the folly in that reasoning. One Rider could easily destroy a small village. Sorin quickly looked about for his comrade but realized the small thief was probably still at the inn.
TOM: In reality, Loki was fleeing for the hills.
Sorin's face turned grim as he drew his sword.
MIKE: Doesn't he need a paintbrush and canvas for that first?
TOM: Or at least pen and paper?
He would have to face the Rider alone and hope for the best.
CROW: A brilliant resolve that got him sliched in two in the time it would took me to blink.
The Rider rode down the main street as Sorin stepped into his path. The horse reared, hooves lashing into the air as the Rider
TOM: Kept going, running him over.
halted before the gargoyle. The creature of Chaos stared down at Sorin, its glowing eyes glittering with arrogance.
"Who dares to stand in my way, little mortal?" the Chaos knight hissed.
MIKE: (Sorin) I'm sorry. Could you please speak up?
"Sorin Vilindas," he replied coolly, "Wielder of the sword of Ti'mere."
The Chaos knight laughed harshly. "Well then, Sorin Vilindas, wielder of the sword of Ti'mere, enjoy your last moments of life before I take it from you!"
TOM: He's giving Sorin time to enjoy his last moments?
CROW: (Impatient) Buddy, just lop his head off and end the fic already!
With that, the knight spurred his horse, charging full tilt towards Sorin. The gargoyle dived to the side, barely avoiding the horse's hooves. The powerful war horse thundered past as Sorin spun, facing the Rider.
MIKE: (Sorin) Whoa, I feel dizzy.
The Knight turned his horse about and prepared to charge again, his silver blade clutched in his other hand. Once again the horse charged. The Chaos Knight stabbed at Sorin with his blade, who deflected it upward. Grinding his fangs, Sorin turned to face the horseman again as they prepared for another charge.
Suddenly a flash of silver
CROW: Surfer
flew threw the air from behind him and the massive charger screamed in pain. Sorin stared at the dagger imbedded in the horse's forehead, then turned to see Loki jog up beside him.
"I heard the commotion from the inn and decided to see what all the fuss was about."
TOM: (Loki)I don't want you to die without seeing me running away like a decapitated chicken.
Sorin nodded. "A good thing you did." Sorin looked back to see the dark horse fall to the ground, dead, taking the enraged Rider with it.
CROW: So the Rider, who had been uninjured, died, along with the horse, upon impact with the ground?
MIKE: Maybe his lungs got crushed in beneath the weight of the horse.
CROW: Touche'.
"Nice shot."
TOM: Sorin had just sunk the 8 ball into the corner pocket.
Loki grinned. "Kincaid did a good job enchanting those daggers."
An angry scream came from the vicinity of the horse as the Rider struggled to rise, its leg pinned beneath the horse's body.
"You will die a thousand times for this insult!" the Knight shouted.
Loki merely smirked. "Usually once is enough for us mortals, Tinhead!"
MIKE: I really, really hope Loki dies violently.
The enraged Knight thrust a hand at Loki and a bolt of red energy shot from it.
MIKE: Wow. Maybe I'll get my wish.
The thief dived out of the way with a frightened squeak,
CROW: He'd suddenly morphed into a rat.
his bravado gone as his opponent was far from helpless. Sorin quickly ran forward to finish off the Knight before it could free itself. Snarling, the Knight fired powerful bolts of energy at Sorin, knocking him off his feet as the creature pulled it metal boot free from the carcass.
TOM: (Knight) Hey, you stinky carcass, gimme back my boot!
Reclaiming its fallen sword the Knight advanced on the prone gargoyle. Sorin quickly regained his wits.
CROW: (Sorin) Where are my wits?! Oh, there they are. Whew.
Seeing his opponent bearing down on him,
CROW: Gentle Ben is pissed off.
he quickly rolled to the side, snatching up his sword as he sprang to his feet. The Chaos Knight raced forward, swinging his sword in a wide arc intending it cut the gargoyle in two. Sorin blocked the blade with his own, the force of the impact jarring his arms. The blades screeched against each other as the two combatants fought. Sorin threw his weight forward against the Knight, pushing him back, then dancing back lightly on his toes to put some room between himself and the Chaos creature before him.
TOM: (Sorin) See? THIS is how you do the Waltz!! Hey, you're a natural at this! Way to go!
The Knight let loose another red blast which Sorin quickly parried. The gargoyle charged the Knight, attempting to stab it in the midsection but the knight's serrated blade swept down, knocked it aside. The creature's gauntleted fist smashed into Sorin's unguarded face knocking him back.
MIKE: In effect, breaking his nose.
The creature's foot swiftly came up, hitting Sorin's sword hand, forcing him to drop the weapon. Sorin recovered his equilibrium
TOM: Sorin recovered his inner ear?
just in time to see the dark warrior pick up his sword with its right hand. Now wielding two swords, the creature advanced with a ghoulish grin on its skeletal face. Suddenly the Sword of
Ti'mere began to vibrate with a low-pitched hum.
CROW: The Sword of Ti'mere was crafted by the same material used for Electric Heaters.
The Chaos Knight glared at the sword as it began to glow an eldritch green, the vibrations and humming becoming more pronounced. Suddenly, arcs of green energy shot from the blade into the Chaos Knight who screamed in terrible agony as the energy washed over him. The creature's metal hand suddenly exploded and the sword fell to the ground as the undead knight stumbled back in terrible pain. Sorin quickly ran forward and grabbed his sword, thrusting it upward into the creature's head from under its chin. Its body convulsed terribly as a horrible, unearthly scream erupted from the creature's mouth. Suddenly yellow energy began to pour forth from its eyes and mouth. The energy coalesced above the creature's body in the twisted form of a gargoyle's skeleton writhing in horrible agony. The specter remain there for a moment, writhing and moaning before it shot into the sky at terrific speed and vanished.
TOM: Wow.
CROW: Hehe. I LOVE violence!!
The Knight's body fell to the ground with a clatter like a puppet whose strings had been cut.
MIKE: Pinnochio was a Chaos Knight?
CROW: In that case, Gaynor must really be Rumpelstiltskin.
(MIKE CHUCKLES.)
Sorin rested on his sword,
TOM: Literally. He leaned on the wrong end and quickly found himself fatally impaled.
breathing heavily,
TOM: That's what happens when you accidentally kill yourself this way. For the first few seconds, anyhow.
as Loki went to retrieve his dagger from the body of the fallen horse, the other townspeople came forward to congratulate him.
Sorin smiled wearily at them as the elder came forward.
CROW: (Siron) Great. Townspeople. Just what I need.
"Well done good sir! I never thought I'd see the day that someone would be able to stop these Riders!"
TOM: Then he must not have been alive very long.
CROW: Youngest Elder ever.
Sorin shook his head. "I have merely defeated one. From what I know there are three others plus their master. If Gaynor learns of this knight's defeat, he will surely send the other three here. I must find Gaynor before it is too late."
Artrates nodded grimly. "I may be able to help you there. I have heard from other travelers as well as my own townspeople that a terrible fortress lies several days ride from here to the east. It is dark and hideous to behold and it is said that a perpetual thunderstorm hovers above it. If
TOM: (Elder) You get hit by lightning, consider it Game Over.
this Gaynor is to be found anywhere in this realm, that is the most likely place."
Sorin nodded. "Indeed. It would also explain why villages in this area are attacked so often. These are no doubt the closest to this fortress you speak of. Loki and I will investigate it and tell you what we learn. We leave in the morning."
MIKE: (Sorin) Tonight... we PARTY!
CROW: YAY! Drunken ladies all around!!
(Whap!)
CROW: That's starting to not have an effect on me anymore.
Artrates nodded. "Very well. May the Light guide you safely my friend."
TOM: (Elder) And if you fight Gaynor, then may the Light also guide you to Heaven.
As Sorin and Loki walked back to the inn, Artrates could hear the small thief grumbling to Sorin.
"I never said I wanted to go! How come you always decide where we go?"
ALL: Loki, you coward!
"Loki, do be a good thief and kindly shut up."
ALL: Sorin, you jerk!
Artrates simply chuckled to himself and returned to his own dwelling
CROW: (Artrates) I have taxes to do.
Sorin and Loki traveled unmolested
CROW: Michael Jackson was uninterested.
for 3 days before they finally stood before the Castle of Chaos. They stared at it in amazement and fear.
MIKE: (Sorin) Wait. This isn't a Castle. It's a camping tent!
The twisted, almost organic structures reached high into the sky, higher then any tower he had ever seen. The entire castle was made of a black stone, perhaps obsidian. The sky above wheeled in random sprays of colors while massive clouds exploded with multicolored thunderbolts.
TOM: Thunderbolts of COLOR!
CROW: Cool!
Loki looked over at Sorin apprehensively. "Do you really want to go in there?"
"No.
MIKE: (Sorin) Let's turn around and go home.
" Sorin sighed. "But this is Gaynor's fortress. If he is to be found anywhere, it's here."
Loki looked back at the castle and shuddered. "If it's all the same with you, I'd rather he stayed lost."
Sorin snorted grimly. "Come on."
"You're gonna get me killed one of these days! I just know it!" Loki moaned.
CROW: I really hope that statement was an example of foreshadowing.
Leaving their horses behind, the two began a grim march towards the castle that stood several hundred feet away. As they neared the main gate, they noticed that the castle was surrounded by a massive moat of glowing lava. Over the lava stood a single wooden drawbridge connected to the gate, flames licking at the edges of the expanse.
MIKE: Wooden Drawbridge. Being licked by flames. Does it ever catch fire?
CROW: How should we know? And, for that matter, who the hell cares?!
Within the gateway stood a single figure dressed in torn robes. As the pair approached, the figure drew from within its cloak a gleaming silver, serrated sword and held it out with both hands in a guard position. Sorin's mouth twitched in a smirk as he drew his own sword.
TOM: (Sorin) I will now bask in my futile overconfidence.
Looking aside to Loki he whispered.
"Stay out of this. I'll need you undamaged for later when we take on the others."
Loki nodded nervously. "You don't have to tell me twice!"
MIKE: (Loki) Once is good enough for me!! Bye, Sorin! I'll pray for you!!
Sorin approached the Dark Knight as he stepped onto the drawbridge,
TOM: Then laughed his head off when the Knight fell through it.
the knight doing the same. The figure's eyes gleamed with cold yellow fire as he stared at his opponent. Sorin's gaze never wavered as he brought his sword up, the silver blade glowing an eldrich green. As he observed the knight, he noticed a large tear in the thing's cloak across its chest.
TOM: The cloak was crying?
MIKE: Tear is in "a rip", not as in "weeping".
TOM: Oh. My bad.
Sorin realized that this was the knight he had fought on his way to the wizard Kincaid's tower.
Sorin's mouth twitched once more. "Round two of our joust, sir knight. I hope you are ready."
CROW: (Sorin) Are you ready... for Freddy?
MIKE: What???
CROW: Never mind.
The chaos creature let out a hissing chuckle.
"Always," it replied in a hollow raspy tone.
Sorin suddenly ran at the creature, swing his blade in a tight arc towards the knight's head. The creature parried with his own blade, quickly twisting it in a
MIKE: Square.
TOM: Triangle.
CROW: Circle.
circle,
CROW: Hehe! I win!
moving Sorin's sword away from its head. The creature began to aggressively attack Sorin in a slashing X motion, the sword blocking each one with a small shower of green sparks.
TOM: There seems to be an awful lot of flying sparks in this fic.
MIKE: What else would you expect with a Belgarion fic?
CROW: Are the Knights using Lightsabers?
The dance began in earnest
TOM: (Singing) You can dance if you want to, but don't leave your friends behind, cause your friends won't dance and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine.
as the two swiftly slashed and parried, each trying to disembowel or decapitate the other. Gouts of flame leapt up from the lava pit as the two continued to duel
CROW: (As Yu-Gi-Oh) It's time to... D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!
each other back and forth across the bridge. The chaos knight quickly stabbed at Sorin who twisted away, his wings snapping back against each other. Sorin quickly brought his blade down upon the wrists of the knight, hoping to slice off its hands at the wrists. But the enchanted blade merely knocked the sword from the creature's gauntleted hands. Before Sorin could kick the blade into the pit below, the creature swung its fist at him, knocking him back. The knight began to fire bolts of electric purple energy at Sorin, but the magical blade parried them with ease. The knight snatched up his sword and the battle once again began. The blades connected again and again, parrying, thrusting, and slashing. Suddenly they came together and Sorin locked their crosspieces together, his foot suddenly lashing out at the knight's stomach.
TOM: Sorin had always searched for an excuse to do his Bruce Lee impersonation.
The blow knocked the creature onto its back as the sword fell at Sorin's feet. The gargoyle quickly kicked the blade into the lava.
MIKE: (Sorin) Oops.
As the creature began to rise, it found the point of Sorin's blade inches from its face.
"Do you surrender?" Sorin asked coldly.
"You know what my answer will be," replied the knight.
CROW: (Sorin) Actually, not really. But keep talking. I'll pretend to listen.
Sorin nodded. The knight suddenly brought his fists together, blasting Sorin with bolts of power.
MIKE: Behold what happens when you eat a Chalupa at Taco Bell!!
The blast knocked the gargoyle onto his back as the knight leapt at him, attempting to pin the hapless gargoyle. Sorin snapped his feet up, planting them firmly into the knight's
MIKE: Groin.
(BOTH BOTS WINCE IN SYMPATHY.)
chest. Pushing with all his strength, Sorin flung the knight into the air, over the side of the drawbridge.
TOM: (Sorin) Here. How's about I give you free swimming lessons?
The creature screamed shrilly as it fell into the lava.
TOM: (Sorin) Oops. Sorry. Poor aiming.
Suddenly a terrible howl issued from the moat as a blast of yellow energy shot from the place where the creature had fell. The energy twisted itself into the semblance of a skeletal gargoyle in terrible agony before it shot into the sky and vanished.
Loki quickly ran up to Sorin and appraised him. "You okay?"
"Yeah," Sorin nodded. "Didn't get a scratch.
TOM: They got bruises instead.
Shall we?" he asked, gesturing to the vaulted gate.
MIKE: Did Sorin just invite Loki to dance?
Loki nodded with a sigh and the two entered the castle of Gaynor the Damned, Prince of Chaos.
The massive foyer was amazingly well lit by soft white light. Columns that seemed to be filled with multicolored fluid lined the walls.
TOM: Dude, Sorin are Loki are SO tripping right now.
Gothic archways and motifs abounded, each seeming always to shift just slightly so as to confuse the eye. Sorin and Loki looked about them, the sword of Ti'mere pulsing with a gentle green glow. At the end of the room stood a pair of massive doors. Upon each door was inscribed the symbol of Chaos, a ring with arrows pointing outward in every direction, signifying the diversity of Chaos. Sorin strode up to the doors and pushed them open, the doors hitting the walls
MIKE: And costing Gaynor thousands to repair the new holes in the walls.
TOM: (Gaynor) FOOLS! I've just had my walls painted too!!
with a loud thud, Loki standing just slightly behind him.
"Welcome, Sorin Vilindas and Loki the Quick, to my humble abode," said Gaynor the Damned with a quiet chuckle.
MIKE: (Gaynor) Pizza's on me.
The prince was seated in a black throne with red padding, the back sporting a pair of gargoyle wings. His body was clad in full plate armor that constantly shifted color; steel blue, orange, pink, fiery red.
TOM: Hey, it's Gaynor's version of a Mood ring!
CROW: (Hippie voice) Like, far out, man!
Upon the breastplate was a raised Chaos symbol. A black sword leaned against the arm of the throne. Out of the shadows behind the throne stepped two Chaos knights, swords drawn. As they flanked the throne, Gaynor gestured with a hand.
CROW: (Gaynor) Time out.
"Kill them," he ordered.
The sword of Ti'mere came up into guard position and enchanted daggers appeared in Loki's hands as the knights stalked forward, brandishing their swords, one towards Loki, the other Sorin. Sorin and his knight began to fence as the other advanced on the smaller thief. Loki began circling the Chaos knight when it suddenly leapt forward, stabbing his sword at Loki's gut. The lithe thief quickly dodged aside,
MIKE: (Loki) Ha ha, you missed!
(TOM MIMICS STABBING SOUND.)
MIKE: (Loki) D'oh!
CROW: Through fading eyes, Loki looked down in disbelief at the blood rushing down his torso. The end.
stabbing one of his daggers into the knight's wrist. The enchanted blade bit through the metal gauntlet and flared with red energy. The knight hissed in anger, dropping the sword as it jerked
(CROW CLEARS HIS THROAT.)
its hand back, the dagger still imbedded in its wrist. It swatted the dagger out and fired a bolt of crimson at Loki who ducked and rolled, throwing his other dagger. The blade flew into the thing's hood, piercing the darkness within. The knight cried out with a terrible shriek as its unholy essence tore its body apart before shooting into the sky, passing through the ceiling.
TOM: Wow.
Loki quickly retrieved his smoking daggers and turned to see how Sorin fared. The gargoyle was quickly trading parries and slashes with the Chaos knight
MIKE: (Sorin) Here's my parry. Now give me your slash.
as Gaynor watched silently from his throne. Sorin twisted and turned on the balls of his feet as the knight slashed and hacked at him, missing him by mere inches. The two swords met time and again, creating showers of silver and green sparks. Suddenly, Sorin's blade flared with green energy. The sword seemed to guide Sorin while it moved of its own accord, faster and faster until it became a green blur. The Chaos knight frantically tried to block the sword's attacks but to no avail. A single broad slice split the knight in half from side to side,
CROW: (Chaos Knight) Well, this was a fun fight, but lookit the time. I've gotta split now.
the reverse slice separating its head from its body. As the body of the knight fell to the floor, Sorin thrust the sword into the air, transfixing the knight's head on the point of his blade. The head screamed before flying apart,
MIKE: Huh?! Since when do severed heads still scream this long after seperation from the body?
TOM: It's a Chaos Knight, Mike. Just go with it.
MIKE: Yeah, but I... never mind.
its blood red soul racing into the sky. Sorin quickly lowered his blade and turned to regard Gaynor.
TOM: (Sorin) Ah, there you are!
The Prince of Chaos still sat in his chair, quietly clapping at Sorin's blade work and ending flourish.
CROW: (Gaynor) Hee hee hee, you kick so much ass!
"Bravo, Champion." Gaynor complimented with a chuckle, his voice distorted slightly by the helm he wore. "Well done. Your skill is astounding. Would that you had served my masters instead. You would have made a formidable swordsman. I don't suppose you would consider a position in the ranks of the Great Hordes?"
CROW: (perks up) Hey, Mike, what are the chances that the Great Hordes are run by hot, kinky babes?
MIKE: Slim to none. Now can it with the jokes.
CROW: (disappointed) Aww...
Sorin sneered. "Join with you? I think not."
TOM: (Sorin) I'm not interested.
Gaynor waved a dismissing hand. "I thought not. But I felt compelled to ask. And now what Champion?" he asked. "Do you intend to destroy me too?"
CROW: (Sorin) Nah, I'll just ignore you.
"You know I must." Sorin replied.
Sorin felt rather then saw the smile behind the helmet. "Think well before you take such a rash course of action. You will find me much more difficult a challenge then my knights."
MIKE: Gaynor likes to throw salt in his opponents' eyes.
Sorin raised his blade. "So be it."
Gaynor merely shrugged and stood up lazily, taking the sword of black iron into his hand. He walked towards Sorin slowly and raised his sword straight in a knight's salute. Sorin did the same.
"I must admit, this will be interesting." Gaynor said casually. "I've not had such a challenge in a long time."
CROW: (Gaynor) There was that time that old lady in the park beat my ass, but that was just a fluke.
The Prince brought his sword down to his side with a snap of his arm, the air whistling around the blade. Sorin followed likewise, taking up a fighting stance while Loki stood nearby, waiting for an opportunity.
MIKE: To make an ass of himself.
Sorin immediately rushed Gaynor, bringing his sword up from his side. Gaynor parried and twisted with a corkscrew, bringing the two swords nearly point to point as Sorin stepped back a pace. The two began to slice back and forth, the blades coming together and away. The sideway slices soon began alternating with X
TOM -Men.
CROW: -Files.
MIKE: -1999.
(THE BOTS LOOKS AT HIM.)
MIKE: It was an anime.
CROW. Oh.
MIKE: Tom, I thought you watched anime.
TOM: I've never heard of THAT ONE.
MIKE: It's an apocalyptic title. Hey, maybe Pearl can make that our next experiment...
PEARL: (VO) You wish, Nailson.
MIKE: Dammit.
slashes as the two slid back and forth across the smooth marble floor, Sorin twisting and spinning as he blocked and parried the iron Chaos blade. Green and red sparks flew from the blades as they clanged and hissed across each other. Suddenly Gaynor threw his hand forward
MIKE: (Karate voice) Hi-YAH!
and a multicolored bolt shot from his hand, catching Sorin in the face.
TOM: (Sorin) Oh, hello, multi-colored bolt. You're so pretty... OW!
The bolt knocked him back, his face burned by the Chaos energy. As Gaynor charged, preparing to stab the helpless gargoyle, the sword of Ti'mere suddenly flew upwards seemingly of its own accord, catching Gaynor's thrust and parrying it upwards harmlessly. Sorin locked cross guards
MIKE: They're using Crossing Guards as swords?
CROW: No wonder this is getting so bloody.
with the Prince, glaring into his visor. A pair of burning red eyes glowed behind the steel mask
TOM: (Gaynor) BWAHAhahahahaha!!! FEEL MY WRAITH!
before Gaynor shoved him back. Half of Sorin's face was blistered from the magical attack but he held his ground, bringing his sword back into guard position. Gaynor suddenly began firing Chaos bolts as his adversary in rapid succession. Sorin's magical blade efficiently deflected each blast, sending them off against the walls and pillars. Unbeknownst to Gaynor, a silent shadow
CROW: Alec Baldwin waited until now to make a surprise cameo.
crept up behind him. Suddenly he felt a blade punch through the chain mail beneath his armpit into his body.
MIKE: Alec Baldwin quickly learned the hard way that Gaynor didn't care what darkness lurks in a man's heart.
Gaynor merely thrust his hand back without taking his eyes off Sorin, knocking Loki off his feet and jerked the dagger out, tossing it aside with an arrogant snort.
"It takes more then a dagger to hurt me, little thief." Gaynor growled softly.
TOM: It takes a cannon.
Bringing his hand forward again, Gaynor made a quick gesture
MIKE: He gave Sorin the finger.
and the floor beneath Sorin suddenly erupted into a marble pillar rapidly shooting towards the ceiling, intending to crush him.
CROW: Gaynor's the Fullmetal Alchemist?
Sorin quickly dove off the block before it hit, using his wings to cushion his landing. The two charged each other once more, swords flashing. Gaynor slipped under Sorin's guard and sliced his wing. Sorin grimaced from the pain, trying even harder to damage his opponent. Once again Gaynor got past Sorin's blade, the cold iron stabbing into his side. Sorin cried out as the blade bit deep into his vitals. Gaynor's fist smashed into Sorin's wrist, knocking the sword out of his hand.
TOM: I think Sorin's ass is getting kicked.
The sword clattered to the floor several feet away as Gaynor jerked his own blade from Sorin's body, dropping the gargoyle to the floor, bleeding terribly. Gaynor's metal toe smashed into Sorin's face, knocking him onto his back, his nose broken and bleeding. The gargoyle moaned, holding his side as the Prince of Chaos planted a boot on Sorin's chest, the point aimed at his throat.
"Not so much of a challenge after all." Gaynor said, arrogantly. "A pity."
MIKE: (Gaynor) Waah.
Time seemed to slow for Sorin as he watched Gaynor raise his blade, preparing to stab Sorin through the heart. The gargoyle turned his head to stare at the sword lying on the floor several feet away. Sorin weakly reached out for the sword imploringly as Gaynor raised his blade.
The sword seemed to shiver for a moment.
Suddenly, the runes on the sword of Ti'mere flashed brilliantly, covering the entire sword in a green aura. As Gaynor paused in surprise, the sword slid across the floor, into Sorin's hand. Sorin thrust the sword upward with a green flash, imbedding it deep into Gaynor's flank, punching through his armor like paper. The Prince of Chaos howled as the blade channeled power through it into Gaynor.
CROW: (Gaynor, monotone) Ow.
Sorin brought his foot up and smashed it into Gaynor's stomach, knocking him back as his strength suddenly returned. Sorin leapt to his feet, his eyes blazing with light. Gaynor hastily brought up his sword, barely in time to parry another blow. The sword flared and Gaynor scrambled back in fear.
"You will fall." Sorin stated in a terrible voice.
Racing forward, his blade began to flash and blur with the speed of his attacks, Gaynor barely managing to block them and retreat at the same time. Nearby, Loki was just now struggling to his feet.
CROW: Loki was seriously regretting the heavy helping of Quaker Oatmeal he'd had for breakfast that morning.
The sword's aura of fear chilled the evil prince to the bone
MIKE: It'd turned him into an ice cube.
as he desperately blocked and parried, now completely on the defensive. Suddenly, Sorin's blade flashed, the edge smashing into Gaynor's blade, shattering it with a terrible groan.
TOM: (Mortal Kombat voice) Sorin Wins!
MIKE: I wasn't aware blades could groan.
Gaynor staggered back in front of a pillar as Sorin reared back. The powerful thrust punched through Gaynor's body completely and into the pillar behind him, pinning him.
TOM: (MK voice) FATALITY.
Gaynor vainly attempted to free himself as Sorin took hold of the lip of Gaynor's helm and began to pry it upwards.
"NO!" Gaynor cried in terror. "No one may look upon my face!"
CROW: (Gaynor) Cause I'm so hideously ugly!
Sorin merely bared his fangs in hatred as Gaynor's hands grabbed onto Sorin's wrist,
TOM: Wrist Snapping. The very latest in massage tactics!
(MIKE CHUCKLES.)
desperately attempted to stop him. But it was no good. With a final wrench, Sorin ripped the faceplate open, revealing Gaynor's face. Sorin stared in horror, his suddenly nerveless hand dropping to his side as he stepped back.
CROW: (Sorin) Wow, you really ARE ugly!
A writhing mass of maggots and white worms made up the hideous face of Gaynor.
CROW: Yummy!
MIKE: Ew! Crow!
Red, glowing eyes and holes for nostrils and mouth were the only thing that made it even vaguely humanoid, the features perpetually twisted in a mask of terrible agony.
MIKE: (Gaynor) I have to fart!!
Suddenly Gaynor screamed horribly as red energy seeped from beneath the worms that made up his face. Red beams shot from his eyes and mouth as his body snapped rigid, light pouring from his armor.
TOM: And as he observed this, Sorin made a silent vow to never eat at Arby's again.
(MIKE LAUGHS.)
A blast of Chaos energy knocked Sorin to the ground as Gaynor's armored body exploded.
CROW: Boom.
His soul took on the appearance of a skeleton
MIKE: Hey, it's Calista Flockhart's twin brother!
CROW: Does Calista Flockhart even HAVE a twin brother?
MIKE: (Shrugs)
bathed in red energy, writhing in agony on the sword of Ti'mere before shooting into the sky above, wailing like a banshee,
CROW: (Gaynor) WHEE!! I'm a rocket!!
the sword remaining stuck in the pillar. Sorin stood, panting tiredly for a moment
TOM: (Sorin) HUFF PUFF PUFF.
before walking over to retrieve the sword, yanking it out of the pillar and replacing it in his scabbard.
CROW: He pulled on the sword so hard he fell on his ass.
Sorin walked over to where Loki stood in amazement.
"Are you alright?" Sorin asked.
MIKE: (Loki) Do I LOOK alright?!
Loki nodded. "I've got a big bruise on my face where he hit me, but I'll be okay. You?"
MIKE: (Sorin) I'm fine, but why won't you die?!
Sorin's smile turned into a slight grimace, remembering his wounded side and face. "He just scratched me. Let's get out of here."
Sorin had just finished uttering these words when the entire structure began to shake
TOM: Rattle, and Roll.
and thunder ominously. The pair tried to stay on their feet as masonry and stone fell to the floor around them.
MIKE: Every piece of stone miraculously missing their heads.
"The building's collapsing!" Sorin shouted. "We have to get out of here!"
CROW: (Loki, sarcastic) No, let's stay here and get buried alive!
The two quickly ran through the great foyer and through the archway. The pair scrambled over the drawbridge
CROW: And plummenting when the drawbridge broke down beneath their running feet.
before the roiling lava moat overcame the wooden bridge, collapsing it. Sorin and Loki raced for their horses as the structure caved in upon itself. Looking back, they saw the entire area engulfed in an explosion of color and elemental magic as the forces holding the structure on that plane sucked it back into the chaotic dimension from whence it came.
(CROW STARTS TO MAKE A PERVERSE JOKE ABOUT SUCKING. MIKE GLARES AT HIM BEFORE HE CAN DO SO, HOWEVER, AND CROW QUICKLY SHUTS HIS BEAK.)
All sound ceased as the world held its breath.
TOM: The world was underwater.
A quiet wind began to blow across the plain. Of the structure, the moat, even the perpetual storm that had hovered above it, there was no sign. It was as if it had never existed.
Loki helped Sorin bandage his side and wing as best he could
MIKE: Which, unfortunately, wasn't good and Sorin's wound popped open the second he got to his feet.
TOM: Loki's no doctor.
CROW: Dr. Kevorkian, maybe.
before they slowly wended their way back to the keep of the wizard Kincaid. The journey took several days of slow riding
CROW: They stopped to have fun with ladies at the bars!
MIKE: Crow!
(MIKE SWINGS AT CROW, BUT CROW, SEEING IT COMING, DODGES AND MIKE SMACKS HIS HAND PAINFULLY ON THE SEAT.)
CROW: Heh heh heh...
and they were glad to see the lonely spire again when it finally came into view.
Kincaid greeted them at the door and ushered them into his study where he carefully healed Sorin of his wounds and fatigue over a few hours of intense magical mending. Finally, they were able to sit down and enjoy a toast to their success.
"You have succeeded beyond my greatest hopes my friends." Kincaid smiled warmly.
TOM: (Kincaid) I was hoping you'd die.
"What you did took great courage and even greater skill. Few have ever been able to boast of defeating a Chaos knight in battle, let alone Prince Gaynor the Damned."
"It has in fact happened only once before." Kincaid mused quietly.
"When was that?" Loki asked curiously.
MIKE: (Kincaid) Once before!! Weren't you listening?! GOD!!
Kincaid waved a hand. "A long time ago in a
TOM: Galaxy far, far away...
place far from this one. It does not matter to us here and now."
"You have done a great deed, Champion."
CROW: Sorin had rescued Kincaid's dormant cat from a high tree branch.
Kincaid continued. "Only one of your caliber and power could possibly have banished the forces of Chaos from this world."
MIKE: Kincaid wants them to banish Al-Queda.
TOM: Score one for Kincaid!
"Champion?" Sorin asked. "Swordsman I may be. But I certainly am no champion."
Kincaid fixed Sorin with a speculative, steely gaze. "Nevertheless, Champion I call you. Though you may not understand. Not yet. But only the Champion could wield the Sword of Fear so well.
CROW: (Kimcaid) So there.
Only the Champion could possibly have defeated Gaynor."
"What say you, good Kincaid?" Sorin asked, puzzled.
MIKE: (Kincaid) Gee, I dunno. In the meantime, go buy me a beer and a sandwich, k?
Kincaid merely waved his hand, dismissing his thoughts. "You may understand in time Sorin Vilindas. Wait a while and see what Fate has in store for you. In the meantime, forgive the ramblings of an old gargoyle."
Kincaid chuckled good-naturedly but Sorin knew that Kincaid was holding back something important. What it was, he could not say.
TOM: Actually, he could, but it's more fun torturing Sorin and Loki.
"Well my friends, it is time you went on your way. You have your reward to claim in the village and other deeds to do.
CROW: And harems to indulge in.
(MIKE LOOKS AT CROW, WHO SHRINKS INTO HIS SEAT.)
But should you pass this way again, do not hesitate to
MIKE: Kill me.
TOM: Give me a swirly.
CROW: Smear butter all over me.
(TOM AND MIKE LOOK AT CROW ODDLY.)
CROW: (Looks back) What?
visit me." Kincaid smiled at the two of them.
Sorin stood and bowed. "Indeed, you have been of great help to us. We are both in your debt."
Loki also stood and bowed awkwardly.
(MIKE MIMICS A LOUD "CRACKING" SOUND.)
CROW: (Loki) Argh!! MY BACK!!
The gargoyle sorceror soon showed them out.
MIKE: Out the window, that is.
CROW: (Kincaid) Buh-bye.
As the two rode back towards the village, they happened to glance over their shoulder.
CROW: Just in time to miss seeing the low hanging tree branch.
MIKE: Double thud.
Kincaid stood watching them, framed in the archway of his tower. Eventually it vanished from view as the two rode on.
CROW: Into the sunset.
The End
TOM: I highly doubt that.
CROW: Me too.
MIKE: Join the club.
TOM: Look at the bright side, Crow. No Brooklyn!
CROW: Hey, yeah! Let's throw a "No Brooklyn" party!
MIKE: Let's not.
CROW: Aw, Mike... You're a thorn, you know that?!
The theater door unlocks and everyone files out.
[Door sequence…]
POV: Satellite of Love, Bridge
Everyone comes back to find the monitor on and Pearl standing there looking rather worse for wear. Her clothes are in tatters and her hair is an absolute mess. She is also covered with scratches and bruises. Bob and the Observer are attending to her wounds.
Pearl: (at Observer) Careful with that disinfectant spray you incompetent alien! Get any in my eyes and I’ll feed your brain to that lobster out there!
Observer: (slightly testy) If you will recall madam not only am I quite proficient in doing simple tasks regarding manual dexterity, but I also saved you from that beast.
Pearl: (shrilly) Don’t you talk back to me you cowled cocklehead! Just finish!
Bobo tightens a bandage around Pearl’s arm and she yelps, smashing her fist into Bobo’s face who yelps in reply.
Pearl: Take care with my person you flea-bitten simian! This is all your fault!
Mike: (smile) You finally get the lobster under control Pearl?
Crow: Wow, you look like 2 miles of bad road!
Pearl glares at them.
Pearl: For your information Nelson-muntz yes, I did. (looks at Crow) You, however, can go to hell.
Crow: Been there, done that, got kicked out for staging a coup.
Pearl: (sighs tiredly) Doesn’t surprise me. Well, I am off to take a rejuvenation bath. Bobo, see to it.
Bobo: Yes Lawgiver!
Bobo runs off screen and presently we hear water running. Pearl walks off, leaving the Observer behind who watches idly. We hear splashing and all of a sudden Pearl wails in pain.
Observer: (grimace) It would appear that Bobo has set the water temperature to boiling again. Once again I go to rescue madam from certain death.
Mike: Why don’t you just let her boil Brain-guy? Then we’d all be rid of her.
The Observer glances at him dispassionately for a moment.
Observer: Not that it’s any of your insignificant business, but I serve madam for reasons beyond your comprehension. Now if you will excuse me…
The Observer walks over and pushes the button.
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