I walked through my house, starting to say goodbye, touching
its walls and windows, talking to it a little I guess. It didn't talk
back to me in words, but all the feelings I lived in this house
seemed to seep into its walls and beat there like a heart.So
everywhere I place my hand, it meets me with a pulse.
march 7
march 7
This has been such a hard winter, snow on the ground since December.
20 inches from yesterday's blizzard, and 5 - 10 more predicted before
the weekend. 4 foot snowdrifts everywhere, and what's becoming a
mountain of snow left by the plow at the end of the driveway. This is
all so different from two weeks ago when we had a winter thaw in Boston
and it was sunny and warm. I walked the alphabetical streets all the way
from Arlington to Hereford with an open jacket and no gloves - much better.
march 11
march 11
A nice weekend, but a lot of work, cleaning the attic and basement,
a big pile of things in the garage for the Salvation Army to pick up.
Ten boxes of books no one ever reads - why did we hold on to them
so long - and as much again in clothing, other things. I feel lighter
just looking at it all.
Had to miss the pub we like because of all the traffic in Boston,
and got fast food at the airport instead. I didn't notice where we
parked, and couldn't find the car when I went back to look for it.
Walked up and down the rows, and then took out my keys and
pressed the homing device until I saw the car light up. It's only a
car, but it was such a nice feeling, so much like when you're looking
for someone in a crowd. You scan each face and begin to worry -
maybe the time was wrong or maybe the place, maybe some other
miscommunication. Then suddenly you see the face and hear the
voice you're looking for, and the rest of the crowd disappears.
march 13
march 13
My life seems like a train station lately, all arrivals and departures,
hellos and goodbyes, heightened joy and heightened sorrow. Sad
to hear one of the sweet people at work is going back to Belgrade,
mixed feelings showing in her eyes. It's not her home, but Boston isn't
either, and whatever once was home isn't there in the same way. It makes me think of the words of
someone
I met through a friend who is generous with sharing his friends,
haunting words on missing home.
Drive back to find K home for spring break, laughing and happy to
be done with the term. Hello hugs and making plans for our time
together, a nicer way to end the day. No hellos without goodbyes, I guess. But given the choice I'd trade the goodbye part away.
march 16
march 16
Routine check with the radiologist, the woman I find so reassuring,
but my heart is racing and my stomach is in a knot.
It can't be this
hotel-like place, music playing, comfortable chairs,
coffee and friendly
people. I finally realize that last year I did what I
had to do, like everyone
does in these situations, not thinking about
it more than I had to. But it
was like someone throwing little stones
on top of you one at a time, so
there's never the moment when you know you've been crushed.
She answers my questions with reassuring statistics, the luck of my
situation, and hugs me, rubbing lightly between my shoulders. Her
kindness makes me calm and the fear goes away. Stop at Starbucks
to be around people but alone with my thoughts.Mentally moving the
crushing rocks. Reaching inside to uncover and touch, trying to heal
up the bones that were breaking.
march 17
march 17
We're almost at the back of Symphony Hall, straight through orchestra
center, Bernard Haitink and the orchestra small figures at the front of
the stage, but making music that can be heard clearly in every corner.
Another goodbye, the last time we'll be here for a long while. Intense
enjoyment on the faces around me, a pleasure to see and a thing I like
about being here, even if my own brain doesn't process this music too
well. We go outside at intermission joining the smokers on the sidewalk
and looking at the Boston skyline, and I find I'm thinking of a line from
the old Standells song, Boston, you're my home. Boston is a city that
feels like me and I'll miss everything about it. But my home, that's something
I carry with me.
march 20
march 20
Long list of things to do for moving, taking away time from things I
want to do more. Nice spending time with K, though. Off to NY
State with her today and tomorrow, to help her make plans for next
year, and a nice day together in Boston yesterday - walking and
talking and feeling close as we always do, just nice being together.
Finished our errands and stopped at a cd shop before dinner. She
found what she was looking for, Destiny's Child, but I couldn't find
quite a few on my list. I'll just have to wait a little while longer I guess.
march 22
march 22
We weren't so far away from NYC, only fifty miles or so really, but no
GSM coverage for my phone, disorienting to be out of touch. Driving
home through Connecticut a few days after the equinox, aware of nice
changes. Days getting longer, and spring rain falling instead of snow,
the good feeling of seeing the power bars climbing again on my phone.
