Mid-summer evening at a pub in Harvard Square - open to the street, gentle
touch of summer air, that comforting sound of surrounding voices. People
outside walking everywhere, liking the warm feel of summer on their skin after all
the cold months. Long July Fourth weekend already, - seems like it was just Memorial Day.
A dream. Someone who is sometimes a shadowy presence was visible
and touchable, across the table in the back corner of a darkened restaurant.
Talking, a quiet sense of happiness at being in safe harbor, the answers to
the whole mystery of everything almost made clear. Almost, almost, and then I woke up.
july 4
july 4
Some fragments of thought. July Fourth. Fireworks and the Boston Pops
on TV, sailors all over town for the Tall Ships in the Harbor. Slept fourteen
hours last night and feel good again. Kind of have my brain wrapped around
all this I think. Did some reflecting on the way out of Logan, even if it didn't
turn out too well - didn't expect the window on the bus.
Collecting ideas for books and films to watch, and music to listen to, during tired times, to make the time pass quickly. And of course my puzzle books - can't resist. I always like them, even if it does take me awhile to figure things out.
My fortune cookie - "sometimes travel to new places leads to great
transformation." I would have thought always.
july 5
july 5
yellow folder - Consult with the radiologist tomorrow morning and the oncologist
in the afternoon, both with reputations of being very good and also very nice.
It will feel good to get started, and to get through next week. After that
everything is part of recovery and getting back to normal.
I've become aware that this is sort of hard for people who care about me,
mostly saying they feel helpless and sometimes reminded of health
problems they've experienced in themselves or others. When I try and
think of a health problem in someone I love, it kind of drives me crazy.
I can't think of anything to do but share what I find out - all of which has
been positive since the original news - what I'm doing, and how I'm feeling.
In ways, I don't like to drag someone inside of me, to see and hear all those
things, to make it part of their world too. When someone comes willingly in
though, and doesn't mind seeing and hearing what's there, I feel cared for,
stronger and not alone. They enter that part of me to find grateful arms that
welcome and hold them, they enter that part of me to find someone who will
be with them happily in any dark corners of their own.
Breakfast in the new cafe, sitting in the sunny window table, feeling warmth, but not from sun.
july 7
july 7
Lots of information, lots of details. Support and love from those nearby and from those at a distance. Much better spirits - after a flurry of activity, things finally
seem to be falling into place.
Get into the car and slip into the night. A kind of soft enveloping darkness
that looks like it blankets the world. Music is what I want, alternately
pressing radio channels. Received music feels good tonight,
what someone else decides to play for me.
Later, the club adjoining the pub is playing loud transporting music, that
bone vibrating sound that fills every corner of your being - a good feeling. I'm glad to be
transported, to feel it pour all over me.
july 12
july 12
Calm, and glad to feel calm again. I feel my flurry of emotion singed those
near me, caused distress. Somehow, though, the thought that my emotions
could travel into someone else feels intimate, like a powerful connection. I
am sorry to cause worry, but happy to be connected. I want to pass my calm
and happy feelings through this channel too, to feel the flow of feelings that
come back to me through it, whatever they are.
Glad to be home, and thinking of plans. All of Boston focused on the
Tall Ships in the harbor. Hoping to see them this weekend, but they're
talking of rain.
july 17
july 17
Very happy news. Test results so good that everything will be over by
around December 1, instead of much later as I had thought. I guess this
all turned out about as well as it could.
One of the kind strangers I saw today said something nice when I was
thanking her. "Everyone takes their turn at misfortune. You just hope
when it's your turn that people will be kind."
Time to look around a little, move my gaze from inward now. Some stars
outside the window, a warm night again. My thoughts move through the
bordered glass in front of me to connect with thoughts on the other side,
ones that seem relaxed and happier now, and that makes me happy too.
Listening to new music for a few hours. A random reach for music to end
the night finds Dusk. I'm pleased to hear this favorite. Sleepy tonight, with
recent tensions gone, happy to drift off limply, thoughts reaching out like arms.
july 20
july 20
A lucky stars kind of day. Got the last spot in the parking lot, the new
cafe had plenty of seats - no tour groups like last time - and the CD I wanted was inexpensive in the
used section.
Perfect weather, and everyone seemed in a good mood all day. Forgot my
watch, so a day spent asking strangers for the time.A girl in the train, random
people on the street, a small boy with a big watch in the cafe. The screen
saver on the computer across from me at work is the time floating around.
Later in line at the coffee shop, the couple in front of me was embracing with
some warmth, her back to me. A good chance to see his arms, even though they were moving
around quite a bit, but no watch. When she moved her arms to his shoulders,
no watch either. The guy behind me didn't have a watch, but he looked at
someone passing by and caught the time - 1:28 exactly - which he shared
with a triumphant smile. Walked back with an iced mocha in the warm sun.
Flowers on my desk and hugs from the sweet people at work. Just kind of a nice day.
july 21
july 21
We used to try different places every week, but we're still not tempted to
leave the pub in Porter Square. It occupies a nice space, probably one
reason it has such a good feel. Longer than wide, with a horseshoe
shaped bar in the center separating smoking and nonsmoking. It's
pretty full tonight, people spilling onto the pavement from the club next door.
We sit in smoking, with its windows overlooking city street life, much like
city street life everywhere. Nonsmoking tables are by the wall next to the
club, with music drifting in from time to time. Connected by sound on
one side and sight on the other.
A sudden rainstorm when I left home, but clear and warm now - the beginning
of another three day weekend.
july 22
july 22
Kind of wondered what it would be like to post something slightly inebriated
so I guess I'll find out. One thing though, the html is on auto pilot - who
would have thought that even six months ago?
Shouldn't have two large liqueurs over ice - well, and a Guiness - but can't
ever resist. The warm, warm feeling that comes from the cool liquid. I can't
get enough of it.
Later, espresso and dark chocolate. Watching people come out of the
repertory theater into the starry night, deep in conversation about whatever
it is they saw.
july 23
july 23
The first of four clinic visits tomorrow - just kind of anxious to get things
underway. From now on no tests and lab results, though -
the really hard thing.
Everyone home for dinner tonight, including M's girlfriend. Nice sound of
laughing and storytelling that seems to happen around a table. Grateful
for loved ones who are here and missing those who are not.
july 28
july 28
Northwest flights cancelled, no rebooking available till late tomorrow, so B can't be home for the weekend. Kind of weird to face a weekend alone, even though I'm kind of used to other times. What would you do?
july 29
july 29
Had time today to think a bit, how delays and cancellations and waits
have been such a feature of this season, and how there's sort of a
different feeling to waiting alone for things I'm going to be doing alone
and waiting with someone for a shared experience.
Waits alone seem to have that sense of the risk of lost time, which when
you watch other people, some seem to waste through boredom and others
convert to experience. Maybe one reason it feels good to be out among
people is that a lot of them are passing time alone. I like that brief
sense of connection with the ones who are converting it to experience.
A wait with someone for a shared experience seems very
different,
more of a sense of found time, and the nicer feeling of
converting it with someone to shared experience.
The storms that caused airport delays are headed this way, so plans
to go to an indoor mall and otherwise stay home. Cleaned out the
refrigerator of forgotten leftovers and boxes of takeout, while watching
a bio of Meat Loaf on VH1. Went to the mall to do the kind of mundane
shopping just as well done alone, listening to music on the way there
and back, contemplating found time.
july 31
july 31
A few thoughts from a day out of sequence. Went in to work today,
the first time on a Monday. Remembered my watch, but glanced at it
on the train to see it had stopped near midnight. Asked the guy beside
me if he knew the time. He held out his hand to show an umbrella but
no watch and said "Oh, sorry, I never wear a watch. I never carried an
umbrella either until a few days ago, ha ha" The running Boston joke,
in one of the coldest rainiest summers ever.
Walked outside at lunchtime, following time on the steeple clock. An
unfamiliar Jeep parked where the Hummer usually is - the open kind,
no sides, just a little canvas roof. It looked kind of happy and unworried,
echoing my mood.
