I'm the next to the youngest of 12 kids. Yep, that's right, 12. But, we're not all of the same parents. You see, my mother was married twice before she married my father, and my father was married once before he married my mother. My mother had 1 boy with her first husband, 1 boy and 1 girl with her second, and 2 girls (myself being one of them) and 1 boy with my father. My father had six children with his first wife, 3 boys and 3 girls. Now there's a lot of bitter blood between some of us, so I'm only close to my two sisters and younger brother (all of them by my mother). Both of my sisters live in Clemmons and my brother in Greensboro. My parents both died (8 months apart from each other) when I was 22. I was far from close to my father. Actually, I didn't like the man at all. But, my mom was my best friend. She had my back when I was pregnant at 16, drove me back and forth to Dr. appointments and where ever else I needed to go, and was there with me when I gave birth @ 17. I still miss her every day. I know she's in a better place but I wish she could have found peace and happiness in this life before she died.
I have two children, a boy, Christopher who was born on January 22, 1991 and a girl, Leila, who was born on August 17, 1999. I was never married to either of their fathers. My son's father thought I wasn't suppose to mind him having other girlfriends, but I didn't feel the same way, so that's why that relationship didn't work out. Unfortunitly, he died in Feb. of 2000, shortly after our son's 9th birthday. (He died from a massive heart attack @ the age of 32. He had had problems with his heart since he was born)
My daughter's father told me I had to choose between him and our unborn baby. Well, I chose the baby of course. Doesn't feel as if it has been quite that long ago since I gave birth to her.
But, I guess that's enough about my family history for now.
What makes me tick? I wish I knew the answer to that one. I guess I've had a rocky road to travel so far, but I know it could have been a lot worse than what it has been. I try to be optimistic about my outlook on life. Always trying to find the bright side of the situation by thinking of how it could be worse. I try to be thankful that it's not as bad as it could be. No, I'm not saying I'm this happy-go-lucky cheerful kind of person all the time, but I try not to let things get to me like I use to.
I try to "do unto others" as I'd have them do unto me. Of course, that doesn't mean everyone is sweet and kind back to me, but I try anyway. After awhile I give up and just try to get along with them. Same thing in certain other areas as well. I give as good as I can and hope to get as good as I give, but doesn't always work out.I try to work things out but I have to know the other person wants to work things out as well.
Having a multiple personailty problem, or as some people like to refer to them, mood swings is a major pain some times. I'm 30 years-old and still have an identity crisis every day. I don't know if its due to a mental problem on my part or the people around me who have the mental problem. One day someone seems to want to be my best friend and the next they don't want anything to do with me. I know I can be over sensitive at times, but trust me, some of these people out here are just plain crazy and think everyone is out to get them or it's every man for himself.
I just wish i could find one person on the face of this planet that I could count on being my friend 365 days of the year. I know every relationship has its ups and downs, if they didn't you wouldn't appreciate them so much, but why does it seem everyone is your friend when they need you: to listen to their problems, give them advice, be a shoulder to cry on, etc. but when it comes time for you to need the same, they don't have time for you? I don't mind helping people out with their problems, glad to be there for them and hope I can help them in some way. Just a little annoyed they don't know who u are when you're the one in need.
I miss having someone to have fun with. I have fun every now and then but I wish I could find a best friend or close friend to go places with and do things with and have fun. I guess that's apart of getting older. SUCKS!
Sorry if I sound as though I'm whining. Just in that kind of mood for now I guess.
Another thing I wish is that I could find someone who likes to play like I do. I'd like to go back to the "good 'ol days" some times and chase kittens, play karate fights, video games, hide and go seek, catching lighting bugs, campouts in the back yard, etc. But, how many women my age do you know of like to play like that? And, I would love to play paint ball (now if it hurts, then I'll have to learn the hard way and that'll be the end of that) color war, oooooh, that would be fun out in the woods.
Well, I guess I'm going to end this session of my "ranting and raving" like a lunatic for now and give ya'll a rest. Until next time...
Well, it's time for my on-line "therapy" session. I've gotten a few minutes to myself and thought I'd check in. Anyway, my crazy life has been about the same as usual: CRAZY!
I need a balance of friends in my life. One good or best friend, and then others to help balance out that system.
I need them to be like me: Not good, not evil.
I'm tired of ppl who seem to think I should be more like them. I need to be myself, which ever self that may be.
I'm starting to wonder if I am all these different personalities all at the same time. I'm that child who needs to adjust when around ppl I'm not usually around. I'm the mother, ready to protect and take care of. I'm the bitch, if I'm challenged or being protective. I'm a saint, always trying to help others, even when they're not asking for that help, just because I'm too damn stubborn myself sometimes to ask for help. I try to be independent and take care of myself, not even realizing that I can't do it all by myself. Not if I really want to be happy.
I'm crazy. Not the brightest person in the world, but I think I have a little bit of intellengence when it comes to hard times and being an understanding person.
A sinner...bad habit of lying by omission. A few others...but because I could get arrested for mentioning these things...LOL! J/K! A little. Anyway..
Until next time.....
Unpleasant Dreams
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
