I'm not going to blog about my back pains or my urges to be fattest kid of the universe this holiday season. I'm not. That would be depressing. All I know is that I'll be ok. I'll get the help I need for my back and other health ills, and I'm definitely gonna have to hit the gym once the turkey's all gone. So that's that. But this Summit... wow. Amazing. I don't even know where to start.

I texted my friend, Beng, in Orlando this weekend and said, "Hey, I'm at the SFC Summit here in DC!" She texted me back, "OMG! I'm at a youth camp! What's wrong with us?!" or something like that. It was hilarious. We were both on a very downward spiral to nothingness prior to our empowering weekends. In fact, we were pretty much just out of service ---literally. For a long time I didn't know why I was so out-of-it. I think I was MAKING myself believe that there were so many things about the community that's so not-in-sync with me; my personal views and beliefs. And while it still may be true, I've realized that I'm not in it to be a conformist to a community-style way of life. I'm in it for God, and I know now that He has me here for a reason. While I still have yet to figure out that reason, I've been able to clear my mind and allow Him to speak to me this weekend. For a long time I don't think I wanted to let Him in. I was so angry. I was angry with what happened to our community a few years ago. I was angry with what certain people had to go through in dealing with the madness. And most of all, I was angry cause things weren't the same. But God spoke to me this weekend. He told me that I have to move on. He dared me to move... He made a point that what's in the past is in the past, and that if I were really to leave, I would've left when everything happened. I stayed because He had a plan for me, and I'm finally beginning to open myself a little more to that plan. God told me that I couldn't keep taking-in the hurts and sorrows of others as my own. Esp. with what happened with some of the people who were very close to me in community. After they left, I took their pain and sorrow onto myself. But God told me that only He can do that. He asked me to give it up to Him, and that He'd take care of them, as He will take care of me.

That was the affirmation I got this weekend. And when I spoke to Steph after all was said and done that weekend, she further affirmed that message by telling me the exact same thing. There are changes being made in community, and little do we realize how great these changes are. It's sad how we had to lose some people as "sacrificial lambs" in the process, but even those people who left wouldn't have fought so hard for this community if it wasn't a good one. And as we push on with our lives, we'll have to do our best to serve side-by-side with those who've left. But if we serve with true zeal and love for God, we won't have anything to hold us back from reaching out to those who've gone. But if we continue to hide and build walls, then that defeats the purpose of any of God's plans for peace and cohesivenes... that goes for all communities.

In all this madness, I've tried so hard to jade myself. I even allowed myself to be influenced by my own discord. And I probably lead some of my closest friends to the same way of thinking. But it was wrong of me, and I see that now. I can't keep turning my back on God everytime He comes knocking. And He knocks ALL THE TIME. Thing is, I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not immature, and I'm surely not incapable of listening to Him when He tries to speak to me. It's all about having an open mind, a humble heart, and the willingness to surrender. It's a hard path to follow, but in all of the madness we have to seek out His will and allow it to be done.

It's a true cliche, I believe. In fact, America itself is such a cliche. In the land of "milk and honey," you gotta slave in order to get even a taste of the "milk and honey." In the land of opportunity, the employment rate is hardly anything to brag about. In the land of freedom, we're still faced with pride and prejudice from even the highest ranking citizen. And in the land where food reigns supreme, there's still hunger. So in essence, America is a cliche in itself. But that's nothing new to our ears. At least it shouldn't be. So the cliche about Americans having obesity problems, despite their incessant need to be sinfully skinny, is probably just second-rate business to everyone else. But for people like myself, it's a battle that crosses mental, physical, and perhaps even spiritual barriers.

I, for one, believe that I have some kind of disorder. It may not be a full-on eating disorder. It's probably more like a body image disorder. And I think that in the past year, this disorder has done more conspumtion to me than anything else. As I type this, I consider myself to have blown-up considerably. I was just realizing that perhaps two Fridays ago, I was definitely weighing lighter on the scales. But in a matter of days, I was on my way to "fat-kid city" once more. I haven't been to the gym in over three weeks, mainly due to weird things happening with my body: fatigue once in a while, feeling sick here and there, and blah-blah-blah, eh-eh-eh. And in the process, my rice-eating quotient has grown from practically non-existent to at least ONCE a day. I find that I'm always eating... Sometimes I'm very good about eating healthy, while at other times I'm just eating like a freakin' fat-ass. My face, which was boredrline GAUNT two weeks ago, has now taken a bit of a round shape once again. And my "tummy area" is not easily deflatable as usual. What's wrong with me?! That's the question that's been plaguing me for the past few days, and weeks. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me, but I know that I have to kick my ass into the gym once again, and get on the bird-seed-like diet once more. I need not be fat. I need not go back to that yuck-ass weight that I was sportin' about three years ago. I refuse to see myself waste away because all I want to do is EAT!

Well, today I had a granola bar for breakfast. I've decided that I HAVE to go back to the "at-least-eat-something-for-breakfast" kick once again. It's supposed to get your metabolism rollin'. I haven't been doing that well with the breakfast thing lately. Second, I must revert back to my old lunch-time eating habits: yogurt or cottage cheese and a salad. None of these subs or sandwiches, that may be healthy choices, but laden with CARBS. NO MORE CARBS!! Third, I need to start going back to the gym, and STOP going straight home after work and eating then taking a nap... And finally, I just need to not eat. PERIOD.

So as I was, just a second ago, contemplating lunch ideas, I think I must repress those for my own good. Or, if I do decide to take the plunge for lunch, it'll have to be something leafy and green. Other than that, it should be smooth sailin' for me. Eating like a cow, but not feeling like one is the goal for today; and for every day. That is the solution. AHAHA.

So I had an eh day yesterday. I woke-up, did quick summit stuff to send out, then got ready for Mass... Made it on-time for the tail end of the 1st reading (ahaha), then went to the ATM to get some cash. Then I was feenin' for coffee, so I stopped at Cosi for a mint mocha. Umm, they were out of mint. I opted for the caramel, and got it skinny. Then I was going out to walk to my car, when suddenly I felt my legs shift and next thing you know I was walking towards Banana Republic. And as I was walking there, my coffee was totally spilling on my hands: HOT!! ERRRRRR! I'm so mean, I went into BR and I was totally tempted to wipe my fingers on some of the ugly clothes, but I held back. AHAHA. I found some pants that I wanted, so I'll have to make my way back there sometime this week, IF I can find the time. After that, I was so traumatized by the coffee spilling that I decided to just go home. And I did, and spilled some more coffee. So after drinking the caramel mocha, eating a late lunch (which was my only meal that day), I ended up veggin' out in front of the TV. Then I eventually fell asleep there. I hate when I have those mid-day naps because then they make me groggy the rest of the night. Thank goodness Eleanor called me later on, which forced some life into me. But after I got off the phone with her, I couldn't go to sleep right away. BORING-BORING. So I prayed. I haven't really prayed-prayed in a long time, so I did last night. And before passing out finally, I first thought about what I could wear to work today. I got up and put on something basic. Business casual is getting SO boring to me. I need to work some place where I can wear what I freakin' want. Ya' feel me?!

If I drink another coffee today, I will officially NEED to go back to the gym like NOW. Help me. HELP.

It's just that I find her day-to-day dealings with life are just hilarious. In many ways, I go through much of the same things she does . . . all from a guy's eyes, of course. But it's this link that I have with this woman, this writer, this character... all that keeps me coming back for more SATC.

Aside from that, I just need a big pillow, a bottle of wine, and something to make me laugh the rest of the night. I'm counting on SNL, although they've been hittin' strikes these past few weeks. What does a guy need to do for a decent laugh around here?! (duh... a laugh at NO ONE ELSE'S EXPENSE is what i mean) I would do anything to see Maya Rudolph do a sketch of Donatella Versace tonight. AHAHAH. That Maya Rudolph. Fucking hilarious.

BTW, has anyone checked out that highly embarrassing clip of Paris Hilton going around the internet?! Poor, poor, STUPID girl. Poor girl.

I had several conversations with one of my dear old friends, Roselle, this past week. It was very refreshing because we haven't been able to really just talk about stuff like we used to do. In doing so, we came upon a subject that totally bewildered us, yet amazed us at the same time. We talked about how we've both happened to come upon another's "true colors" in the most non-conventional ways. We were generally speaking, of course, and we were laughing our butts off at the different instances that we were recounting to one another. It's just amazing how much you come to know a person, or THINK you come to know a person, and then along the way he or she just goes on to do some of the most unbelievable things. Many times, they end up doing things that are just beyond your belief; you instantly question your reason for even being remotely close to them at the time. If it's not so blatant, sometimes perhaps its in the way that they may convey something to you, the way that they talk to you, or even in the way that they go around you in doing whatever it is that they've got to do. But the worst of all, is when a person you know decidedly changes from one extreme to another, without even caring or knowing what kind of effect they're having on other people, or on themselves. While we live in a society that deems change as something good, is it absolutely worth changing one's self at the expense of others?

I can't really answer this, per se. I haven't been in a situation to even consider attempting to find an answer. But I do have several insights. While I haven't exactly gone off and changed myself so completely that my dearest friend, or friends, wouldn't recognize me after a while---I've certainly come close. Luckily for me, I've been able to take a step back and just examine myself; my conscience. And in the process, I've come to determine that my selfishness is definitely NOT worth the risk of losing friends or family over. Looking back, I can definitely laugh at the things that I've come close to doing during my days of living wrecklessly. I can laugh at myself, most of all, for coming to the acceptance that many times I've made myself look like a bumbling idiot. While I thought I may have been treading along with my head high, in actuality I was just lying to myself and trying so hard to make myself believe that I was OK. I surely wasn't going through anything that a good rum and Coke couldn't fix. But after the buzz wore off, I realized...many times over... that life, my life especially, is a REAL one. It's not one clouded by the effects of Ketel One. It's not one that's reflected on the latest silver-screen story-line. And it's definitely NOT one that can be turned off at the flick of a switch, or the pushing of a button. My life is, in all reality, my own...and in my life are many people that have been so instrumental in shaping who I am today. At that realization, I've come to the conclusion that I have a personal responsibility to never let any one of my family or friends down ---no matter what the expense. My word, above all else, is golden.

After I got off the phone with Reeze, I just kinda sat in bed thinking about the stuff that we talked about. It brought a smile to my face, and then uncontrollable laughter. And eventually, I started thinking hard about it all. In all the mind-warping, I came to remember the main character from The Devil Wears Prada, Andrea. I remembered the predicament that she was in at her job. While she was on a path that was very much on-point about putting herself to the top, she lost herself in all the madness; something she swore she'd never let herself do. And all of this came at an amazingly poor expense: she lost her boyfriend of many years (who happened to be a great guy), and she came SO close to losing her best friend of many MORE years. All of this madness in her life, all at the expense of her job; a job that was slowly eating her. In allowing herself to become her job, she lost a lot personally...and after realizing this a little too late, she forfeited any possible way of getting towards the career goal that she so desperately sought.

In the end, Andrea realized that it's not her job that will make her. No amount of money, prestige, nor recognition could ever take the place of what really matters in her life. She wasn't going to change or compromise herself for anything or anyone.

This all reminds me of my days in high school, when my friends would pass me notes, or sign my yearbook. They'd always leave me with this quite juvenile, yet aptly appropriate, piece of advice: DON'T EVER CHANGE FOR ANYONE OR ANYTHING.

Change is good, but you've gotta make the right changes in order for it to be something good. If you make poor choices, and poor changes, then you run the risk of changing yourself, your true colors, in the face of those around you...especially towards those who care about you most. In all this cloudiness, you must ask yourself: Is it all worth it?! Figure it out.

Many people don't venture out into the city simply because they're not interested in it. Many people are basically NOT "city people." The suburbs that surround DC are filled with these very people... people who like the city enough to work or party in it, yet want to be out of it as much as they can. These people thrive off the proximity of the city to their suburban enclaves, yet many times prefer to be tucked away in their homes in the hills...toting themselves along to the neighborhood Giant and/or coffeehouse. It's a picture that's all about comfort, and is very much "homey." For those who love the trappings of the city, Washington, DC has enough to fill your plate with interesting things to last you day after day after day.

We're now entering the third season of the year... Fall is now in full-swing, and this is one of the times that the city is more alive. Parks are full of pedestrians enjoying the crisp, cool air. The sidewalks are decked with specs of people milling about from office building to office building, restaurant to restaurant, and shop to shop. The streets are bustling with holiday-decorated lamp posts and building facades. And all along, a gentle wind (except for today's almost brutal winds - ahaha) courses through your veins...as you briskly walk with scarf, gloves, hat and coat on. It's a picture all too familiar to me. It's one that best describes my utmost love for the urban landscape during Fall/Winter. It's a description that, at its best, is a reflection of the enigmatic theory that life in DC, in the Fall, is nothing but blustery decadence.

On another note, tell me WHY is it that I never have a decent-conditioned umbrella handy whenever I need one?! The umbrellas at home are almost ALWAYS broken, missing something, or ripped-up in some kind of dumb-ass way. Sometime, they won't even pop open when you press the pop-open button. And then when you try to close it, it won't even do that for you. It's a travesty that has failed me not once, not twice, but many times over. I swear. The umbrella is definitely not one of the world's finer contraptions. Personally, I can't stand them. But then again, I'm not tryin' to get wet... *eh*

I guess it would depend on your own personal definition of "mean." What exactly does "being mean" mean to you?! Well, I guess you can look at this in many ways. At first instinct, being mean in the literal sense would mean (ok, this constant use of the word "mean" in different contexts is starting to kill me) to deliberately hurt someone. For example, say you're walking down the street one day and you see someone wearing the most heinous shoes you've ever seen. And to top that off, the person's hair looks ratty, and their clothes speak "thrift store." So you're passing by this poor innocent person, and you call out (in their face): Wow, you have THE most absolutely gross outfit I've ever seen in my life. You're ugly! OK, now THAT'S deliberately mean. It's just wrong. Who's to say that the poor person doesn't consider thrift-store chic as being their moda of choice? Or, in a more high-schoolish way... Say you're a part of the "in" crowd, and you're passing by the dork table at lunch... So you totally look at the people sitting at the dork table and start barking like a dog at them. OK, I've never done that before (seriously, i haven't... but i think i've seen it on TV) but I totally consider than being MEAN. These are prime examples of being mean in the literal sense.

Then there's being mean in the "i-am-encouraging-self-help" sense. For example, say that you're about to go to a wedding, and your friend has decided to wear a black suit. To accent his black suit he wears silver or white gold jewelry. BUT then he chooses a pair of shoes that has a metal buckle on 'em, but the metal is actually YELLOW gold. So you wanna tell your friend that he doesn't match, and in doing what he's doing ---he's practically committing severe fashion suicide. You can be nice and say, "Hey, switch the shoes just so that the metal matches the other metals you're sporting on your wrists/fingers..." OR you can be blunt, "Ummm, unless you plan on winning the award for two-toned bling-blinger of the year at this wedding, then I think you'd better change your shoes!" Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with the second method of sharing fashion advice.

Another example of this... A friend of mine was scurrying around her house trying to find something to wear. She picked-up this denim jumper-skirt and put it on. On her shoes, she put on these leather brown Georgia boots. Ummm - NO. First of all, putting on that denim jumper-skirt totally screams 1996. And putting the brown leather Georgia boots made it seem like a futile attempt to bring that 1996 ensemble to the trenches of 1999. Still not a good idea. When she asked me if she looked ok, I answered: "Yeah, if we were still in college, and about to go to a freakin' college party with techno music blaring in our ears all night...!" Some of my friends told me that I was being mean by putting it that way, while others (including the fashion offender) agreed that it was good to hear it so cut-throat. Needless to say, she put on a hoochie top and hot pants with pointed shoes on, which made her look absolutely HOT. So see?! I helped one soul move closer towards fashion nirvana because of my bluntness.

So you see, I personally think it's fair to be that way... And if you consider it being mean, then so be it. I've had my share of people telling me things meanly, and you know what?! I have personally learned from their meanness, and I honestly think that I've become a better person because of it. So go out there and conquer the world, and BE BLUNT! BE MEAN! But make sure that your meanness has nothing but niceness behind it. Then, and only then, will you know for sure that you're doing justice for someone in need. *wink*

Today is my sister's birthday... So happy 25th to my lil sis, TES LADRINGAN! WaHoO! YAY! ALRIGHT! LET'S GO!

Last night was pretty relaxing for me. Part of the night I spent at the YFC G4G Rally here in MD. My brother gave a glowing exhortation on the power of God's work in our YFC ministry... I didn't get a chance to stay for the actual rally part, but it seemed like everyone was feelin' the spirit. Good thing, good thing... I left early because I had plans to meet with Roselle. We haven't met up in ages, so we decided that we'd meet up just to chill, chat, and catch-up. We met at Pentagon Row, and attempted to go to the new Asian Bistro, which looked dead as a rotten apple. It's a shame that thing isn't doing well AT ALL. It just SUCKS. So we decided to just go to Champps. Roselle had her steak, while I snacked on chips and salsa... Oh, and I also had three vodka tonics. It had been a while, so the 21-and-over beverages were SO refreshing. I don't know what kind of potion he used, because I didn't specify my usual Ketel One... but it did the job. Good times, good times.

I wanted to go out again tonight, but I'm thinking maybe NOT. I'm sleepy. I'm tired. I just wanna curl up under the covers and pass out. It's cold out! Winter IS here...

(ok, i'm having way too much fun with this... btw, you were supposed to read this blog entry with a british accent... lol...)

For the most part, I've lived most of my days as a self-made "IT" guy. I didn't label myself that on my own, mind you. It's a trait that people around me have labeled me with. I've been crowned a "trendsetter," if you will. It amuses me, actually, because I don't even plan my days to be lived out as a local trendsetter, or even moreso the local "IT" guy. In all honesty, I just do what I do best: BEING MYSELF. Mind you, being labeled as such doesn't always mean that you're the one who's decked out in Missoni leather jeans, with Miu Miu boots, a tunic by Theory, and sun glasses from Gianfranco Ferre. Being an "IT" person, or a trendsetter, always comes from within. It's the way that you carry yourself. It's the way that you act when you're in the public eye. It's the air of mystery that travels about you, which no one dares to question, nor tries to understand. And, for the most part, there really isn't anything actually too daring or too questionable about you, cause in all reality you're just a regular ol' schmo. But others won't think so. Eh, what they don't know won't hurt them, I guess.

Reading The Devil Wears Prada reminded me of this conversation that I've had with my friend, Lesley. It's all about being IN the scene, but not being OF the scene. The difference?! (because there IS a difference) Well, being IN the scene means that you're able to be a veritable part of the social scheme of things without compromising who you are just to "fit in." You carry yourself well, you always know where to go, and what the hottest trends are. But at the same time, you keep yourself level-headed, and you're never caught with your jaw dropped-open when you see someone walk by sportin' the latest fashion by Halston. You don't need a hot car, because whatever you pimp you make your own. And you don't always need to put yourself in the company of hoardes of people; people come to you. Being IN the scene also means that you never place yourself above anyone else, but at the same time you hold your own as a respectable person; respectable enough that you're never ever placed below anyone else.

On the other hand, being OF the scene is totally the opposite. Being OF the scene means that while you may have the digz, you certainly don't have the class nor the attitude to survive in the scene. These people usually spend every minute they can being immersed in the scene that they end up making the scene look tired. Case in point: PARIS HILTON. People OF the scene are just there for the attention. They live off others oogling at them. In fact, those who are OF the scene more than likely pimp themselves out to the point of overkill... but sadly, it doesn't matter because even the hot Prada boots that a person OF the scene sports would be as unappealing as last season's Steve Maddens. People who are OF the scene allow their surroundings to MAKE them. They are always trying to be the center of attention, and are always surrounded by limitless amounts of people just so that they can "look cool." People OF the scene are the ones who cringe when they see another chick pimpin' the latest clutch by Dior, or a fella who's got the new Marc Jacobs leather blazer. Being OF the scene usually means that you think you're the shit, and that you're better off than everyone else around you. And more than likely, you'd be too drunk to notice people laughing AT you and not WITH you. Big difference there.

Well, coming back to the point that I was TYRING to make (ahahah) the book definitely touches upon how superficial the fashion world can be. In fact, it touches upon how superficial the whole TRENDY world can be --- fashion, writing, entertainment... they all go hand in hand these days. The book shows how catty people can be in these industries just to stay on top. People do things at the expense of the dignity of others. People place themselves above all else, without acknowledging or being thankful of the people who recognize them. Truth is, unless you're a Donatella, a Tom Ford, a Giselle Bundchen, or a Mark Vanderloo, in no time you'll be a NO one...especially if you choose to remain OF the scene.

Personally, the fashion world is too plasticized for my tastes. But I do, however, take pride in the writing world. Reading the story unfold totally opened my eyes to what it is about the writing world that fascinates me... For the most part, writers are a part of the scene. The difference is that they tend to remain IN the scene, as opposed to being OF it. Well, being that they're the ones who make or break the scene through their writings gives them much power. But it's the power that can be used IN the scene that attracts me.

If anything, the writing world is where I'd like to move my career towards. I'd love to one day be an editor for a major magazine. But if that were to happen, I wouldn't be a Miranda Priestly. The novel totally portrayed her character as one that lives OF the scene to the point where she practically has changed WHO SHE IS just to be able to continue to be a part of all the action. While I understand a person's need to be on-point when it comes to delegation and deadlines, there's no reason to be crass. And that is exactly how it is to be OF the scene. But when you're IN the scene, you remember who you are always. You remember where you came from, and who/what made you who you are today.

Unfortunately, the devil may very well wear Prada some days. Thing is we all know that we all have a little "devil" in each of us. While this devil may wear Dolce & Gabbana from time to time, he isn't afraid to splash on a little H&M, J. Crew, or Banana once in a while. After all, it's about living IN the scene, and not OF... remember?!

One thing... did I tell you that I am friends with my CD burner again? (ahah.)

The drive was uneventful, which is not to say that my walk to the car from the building was, too. It was a nice afternoon, and I was cruising along the sidewalk in front of our government building. At the corner of my right eye, I could see a guy b-lining for me... about to ask me something. He attempted to grab my attention, "Hey..." so I politely looked at him. He continued, "Could you get me something to eat at that cafe over there...?" and he motioned to the little cafeteria that's positioned directly across the street from our building's main entrance. I was gonna deny the guy anyway, just because I honestly didn't want to go through the trouble. I just wanted to go home, read a book, and prepare to veg out in front of the television. This only prolonged the process of me getting to that. But anyway, he continued on with this expression that shocked me, "I mean the only thing I ate today was an egg...!" It wasn't so much what he said, but HOW he said it. I mean, sure, that's absolutely tragic that the poor guy hardly had anything to eat, but for him to impose it on me as if it was MY problem was just flat-out WRONG. He was soliciting HELP from a stranger; the least he could've done was be implorable about it. He looked at me, and motioned to me, as if it was MY fault that he only had an egg to eat that day. Umm, EX-CUSE ME. But I gotta get my ass up for work each day just to go in and mill about for 8 hours, 5 days a week ---all to make some cheddah so that I can at least pay for myself to live (food, car... included). And here he is, bummin' around, asking someone to buy him something to eat, and playin' like it's the world's fault that all he had was a damn egg!

I know that I should've been more compassionate. I mean, in many other cases I have been. But yesterday I was just NOT feelin' it. In fact, I have so many things going on with me right now that are just inexplicable that the least of my problems was to figure out WHY this guy came to me, to seek my assitance, only to be berated by him as he told me that all he had was an egg...saying it like it was basically my fault. Look, if I can make money, so can everyone else in this world. I hold no superiority over NO ONE. I am just as human as everyone else. Sure, I may have been educated, but strip off the degree and college life experiences, and you've got me: WENDEL - normal-ass jigga. And if all I had to eat one day was an egg, I'd be sure as plead-ful (is that a word?!) to ask someone to help me get something to eat. I wouldn't throw that shit in anyone's face and make them feel like it was their fault that I only had an EGG to eat all day.

Perhaps I'm making a big deal about something so small. But at the time, it totally puzzled me. I was in utter shock at this guy's audacity, but moreso with his attitude. If you're gonna seek help, then you'd better be thankful that anyone at least STOPS to entertain you. This society blows, and you've got to make the best of it. Don't WE all know it?

So yeah, once the show was over I went back to the book for a little bit, then I hit the hay. I've been gymless for a week now. Officially. It's gross. I feel lethargic because of it. But at the same time, I don't want to go on aggravating whatever health issues I'm experiencing. This time it's chest pains compounded with breathing problems. Something tells me its allergies, cause the EKG, chest x-ray, and monitor at the ER seemed to think that it's not my heart. Or it could be anxiety. I felt ok this morning until I stumbled into the office. I sat my butt down at my desk and all of a sudden the tightness came to my wind pipe. Hmmm. I just took a benadryl and I actually feel like it's gotten a tad bit under control. Allergies? Anxiety? A mixture of the two extremes? WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I hate my CD burner. I did tell you that already, right? Good.

To top that off, I totally got another medical bill from the time I saw a doctor back in July. WTH?! Whatever. I'm through. Cause I'm gonna get another bill for this last time I went to the ER, and that won't be cool. I just hope that it doesn't come until well after the holidays. Shouldn't medical billing people be nice in that way? Shouldn't they be more understanding of the time that we need MONEY moreso than any other time in the world? OK, whatever. We all know that those medical billing people could care less. They, too, want their money, and so do the doctors they work for. So let's just get over that one.

Tomorrow is my dear cousin's birthday, and for that we must be rejoiceful. My sister's b-day takes place on Saturday, but luckily we celebrated that already. AHAAAHAHA. So now it's just my cousin's b-day to worry about, and we're going to celebrate on Sunday. What to get this girl? Who knows. But I better start scanning the on-line shopping waves to get some decent ideas. I'm thinking of introducing her to something she's totally not used to; something like a bottle of alcohol or some sex-rated toys. Hey, the girl is getting married next year. Might as well let her have FUN with it. LOL. I'm such a bad influence, I know.

I hate my CD burner.

Ning and Ate Francine are supposed to finalize our plans for London sometime this week. We're going for just a little weekend "excursion," if you will, from a Wednesday afternoon through Sunday evening. We'll be "crossing the pond" to Britain. We're gonna have tea with the Queen, stroll past Big Ben, and breeze through Harrod's. AHAHA. Eh, we'll probably not even do those things, but it'll be good to get out. I haven't been out with these kids in forever, so it'll be MOST refreshing. Lots of laughs are sure to come outta this one. So with this trip to Britain on the horizon, that means a major NIX of the spending sprees that I'm used to. AND, the post-trip consequences will be a major cut in holiday cheer by way of presents. But oh well. My love and care will have to be enough. AHAHAH! SHOOT. And after lookin' at the Banana Republic site a few minutes ago, I am in TROUBLE. They brought out their winter pants, and I'm about to go ballistic.

I was watching some TV news show last night, and the topic revolved around the book, THE DAVINCI CODE. THIS is a book that I am dying to read, although my gut tells me that the Catholic Church will somehow have it banned in no time. Oh well. I'm gonna have to grab a copy like NOW and read that ish for myself. Last night's show was actually one of several shows revolving around the book, and it focused on the "possibility" that Jesus Christ was married ---to Mary Magdalene no less. Can we say "CONTROVERSIAL?!" OK - I personally don't believe that to be true, and that's just not because of my brain-washed Catholic thinking. AHAHAHAH. Don't get me wrong, I love being a Catholic. It's all I've known. And while I'm open to the beliefs of others, I personally maintain my own stance as a Catholic --- with an open mind to respect the choices and beliefs that others may have. But with that being said, I don't believe that Jesus Christ was married, and not especially to Mary Magdalene. Mary Magdalene surely became one of his most devout followers, but I seriously doubt that they got married, had children, and so forth and blah-blah-blah. In fact, it's not known whether or not other great "divinities" had wives. Did Muhammed have a wife (or wives?!)? Did the Buddha have a wife?! I sure as hell know that the Dalai Lama doesn't have a wife. It's just one of those things that are meant to be understood. But then these scholars come in and try to over-analyze things, and then they come up with all these crazy speculations. Well, who knows?! Perhaps in time historians may very well reveal that Christ was indeed married and had children, BUT as there stands no real evidence as of this day... I do NOT believe it. Like the reporter said at the end of the show, in the process of the "investigation" they did NOT find any hard evidence on whether or not Jesus Christ was married with children - TO Mary Magdalene. It's just amazing to hear what these scholars come up with. And to be honest, they do give great reasons to back their claims. But at the same time, I personally don't think it's our place to have to sit down and analyze the possible life choices that one of our greatest divinities had made. I surely don't care to know if Conficius had a wife and kids, but I still give those who practice Confucianism the respect that is owed to them. So please do the same for ME. I believe in Jesus Christ. Respect me for that, and respect my belief that he did not have a wife, nor a family besides his own mother and father.

As long as I can remember, I have always been the type of person who could handle his shit no matter what it called for. Give me any project, any event, any kind of leadership dealing and I'd do it as best as I can. Man, at one point I was known to be able to do these things with gusto. I think the main thing was that I was able to do these things on my own. Even if it meant running around with my head cut-off, I'd be able to pull things off just because... I knew what I want, and I cared enough to carefully do what I had to do to make things go. But these days, it doesn't seem like I can do that. I can't pick-up after people who don't pull their weight anymore. I just can't. I can't always be full of "inspiration" when I, myself, am feeling uninspired by the very people who used to give me much inspiration. I just can't. I can't keep on running on empty to the point of sudden death by stress, just because I value myself more than anyone else at this point. Sounds selfish, but it's true. I'm sick and tired of living for other people. I'm sick and tired of doing things to please others, to please my friends even, or even to just "show face." And I personally don't think it's fair that there are some people out there who are always "pushing me" to do or worry about things that I don't have to worry about just because they think, "Oh, Wen will do it... he always does it anyway..." That's all crap. That's all shit. And I think I've come to a point where I just can't take it anymore... Or perhaps it's not so much that I can't take it, but I won't take it.

I'm tired of always being the kind of person who has to initiate things to be done. Sometimes I feel like people wait for me to do something in order for them to get off their asses and do something, too. But you know what? Not this time. I'm always giving as much as I can... or giving as much as I want, but now I've come to a point where I just don't want to give anymore --- esp. when/where I feel that I am being taken advantage of.

The thing is, it's no one's fault but mine. The reason people do what they do to me is because I've let them. I've lead people to believe that I can, and will, do whatever I can to lessen the burden off anyone else's back. And you know what, that IS something that I would do just because that's WHO I am. It makes (or made... lol) me feel good to do things for others - out of sheer willingness and want. While I don't expect anything in return, because I don't, I would just like to feel appreciated once in a while. Or I'd like to be extended a hand when it's clear that I'm drowning in so much - how can I say this - CRAP! AHAHAHA... Yes, my friends, it is NO ONE's fault but my own. I have gotten myself into some stupid shit, and I don't know no how or why. Is it because I've trusted the wrong people? Is it because I've put too much hope in others while not allowing myself room to fall back in case anything doesn't go the way it's been planned? Or is it simply because of my own sheer lack of luck and poor judgement?! EH. I'm sure it's a mixture of all of these things, and I've just been so blinded by certain things that I somehow don't know what is right and what is wrong FOR ME. Cause I keep on puttin' others' needs before my own.

I've decided to live my life under new rules. I've decided that I'm going to take a new attitude. Forget the superficiality of always having to "save face" in whatever way that would/could mean. I'm living for ME, and I'm doing things on MY terms. It's the only way that I think I'll be able to live my life without getting hurt. I'm sick and tired of putting too much trust in people or things that, in the end, I can't seem to rely on. In many ways you just gotta take a step back and learn to trust yourself above all else. Because YOU are the only person that will do for YOU. No one else can do anything for you, esp. if they don't care enough to give you what you've been giving them. I'm tired of giving. Not that I am in need of becoming a "taker," cause that's not it at all. I don't want to be a taker, but at the same time I don't feel like being a "giver" anymore. It wearin' me out, and I am so not interested. This madness is stressin' me out, and I don't want to be stressed anymore. I want to be able to have that "grace under pressure" again, so that I can totally go out and do things that I want to do for ME. I want that spark in my life again.

I need some total quality time... without the gloss, without the hype, and especially without things that I seemingly don't need. I can't wait for London in December... It's time for another get-away.