I suppose it's just a fact of life that ... hmmm, no, let me try this again...
You know, you just never know how flawed a design can be until ...
nope, thats not good either....
Ok, sometimes, it takes a disaster to realize that there's something terribly
wrong with the way ... no, no, NO!
Aw, dang!!, let's just get to the point -- what rocket scientist designed the modern toilet...and put its most important feature -- the shutoff knob -- someplace where getting to it in a hurry is only slightly less awkward than kissing the Blarney Stone? It's one of those little things you never think about -- or remember to teach your children until you're mopping up the aftermath -- that the porcelain throne has a serious problem in the location of the shutoff valve, down underneath and behind it, where
you practically have to stand on your head to get at it
(especially if, like me, you weren't blessed with arms of apelike length.)
Come on, don't shy away -- let's examine this problem "head"-on,
if you'll pardon the pun.
My son's recent attempt at flooding his bathroom was a grim reminder of the obvious poor design of our beloved, well used throne of release.
Ninety-nine point nine nine nine percent of the time, the commode works fine -- you do what you gotta do, push the little chrome handle, and swish, swish, gurgle, gurgle,
it empties itself and refills. Over and over again, day in, day out,
season after season, year after year.
Which is why we are never prepared for that one day when "It" happens --
the water goes up instead of down.
We're in trouble right out of the gate on this one, because we are not psychologically prepared. It just doesn't happen, so our first reaction is paralytic confusion ("what's wrong with this picture?") followed by disbelief ("this just isn't happening") and then a pitiful, childlike assumption that, Nature and the American Standard Co. have a Plan in place and that the water won't actually overtop the bowl....which is exactly what my son thought, so panic hadn't hit him, yet.
After all, it's a toilet. Toilets work. Period,
So we're already beaten by the time the flood reaches the rim with no sign of receding, and we realize that -- yes, we must ACT! And quickly!!!!
Panic hits -- MOM!!!!!!!
We rummage through our mental file folder on "Toilets" and find a musty, dusty page that says something about that little oval knob, 'WAY down UNDERNEATH the bowl. Unfortunately, by now, getting to that little knob means kneeling down and reaching through a miniature Niagara of, um, less-than-pristine water and, well, you gotta be kidding! right? And that's what this son of mine said when I explained what HE needed to do ..and quickly. I don't need to tell you who won that battle....down he went....and out I went to get a mop...
I mean, let's face it -- when the ship's already down by the bow and sinking fast, you're going for the lifeboat, not the sea cock. So it's abandon ship all hands, and grab a mop, right? nope ...this son of mine grabs all the towels he can get his hands on and throws them on the floor...you can imagine my horror when I return with the mop to see my good towels, guest towels, thick & thirsty towels soaking up this little mishap.
(note to self: need new towels)
And as you are mopping up the aftermath of this little household disaster, you realize there's GOT to be a better way, short of going back to waterless outdoor privies and their resident wasps and snakes.
Now, granted, it makes an initial sort of sense to place a rarely-used valve down somewhere out of the way. But whatever logic that idea may hold, it flies in the face of one overriding fact -- that the one time you need to get to that valve, you need to get to it NOW, without having to entwine yourself around the plumbing, crawling through a spreading pool of liberated toilet water.
Just whose bright idea was this? The handle that sets the whole show in motion is right there on the front of the tank and works at the touch of a finger; considering the sanitary implications of a malfunction, shouldn't its opposite be equally accessible? Or even more so?
Why not a big, fire-engine-red "abort" lever sticking up right beside the bowl? A valve wheel akin to the floodgate controls at Hoover Dam? A battleship-style watertight hatch to batten down on top of the proceedings until the tide ebbs?
After all, when you think about it, it 's not all that important how quickly you can
flush a toilet -- it's how fast you can un-flush it that really counts!
until next time..
- Kim Gallagher-
