Last night I was promenading through the Mall, heading for Radio Shack to pick up an adaptor used to make a usb fit a serial so I can sign my laptop online using my cell phone.... when I stumbled into a predicament. I was turning the corner between Journeys and Babages when I walked directly into the line of
vision of a petitioner....YIKES!! Before I could duck or change direction or fake a seizure, the man
had established eye contact with me. I was a sitting duck. Think, Kim, think... He began to creep
toward me. There was nowhere to run...trapped.....
"Would you mind taking a moment to sign my petition. You're a registered voter right? Who was the 26th President of the United Sates? Have you ever been convicted of a felony? What's your mother's maiden name?...."
Now, I like to think that I'm a nice, person. I say hello to strangers and tend to smile for no reason at all. I let other drivers merge in front of me on the freeway. I don't stare at hobos who talk to themselves. But not once have I ever desired to stop and help out one of these annoying petitioners. This guy could have been gathering signatures to save me from my own future diseases (God forbid) and I still wouldn't want to stop and chat. Maybe I'm turned off by people who have the time to circulate petitions. Maybe I'm the product of an era that invented the drive-through 'everything' to save time, maybe I feel my time is just far too valuable.
Petition Joe takes a step forward, invading my space and assuming an air of superiority, as he continued without a breath. "I'm helping save the famished children of southeast central Mozambique from a nomadic existence whereby the average family has 62 children and only one lentil bean to split amongst them.
They also suffer from epidemic gangrene, melanoma and smallpox.....blah, blah, blah..."
(ok, maybe that wasn't exactly word for word, but thats how I remember it)
I was dizzy with indifference. I could see a teenager inside Babages laughing at me. I needed to say something to Petition Joe before he pulled out a soapbox and began a formal sermon.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm not registered to vote, so my signature would be of no use to you." (a lie yes, but I was desperate)
Absooolluutely no problem," he said. "I've got a stack of forms rrriiiight here." At which point he reached into his portable post office and pulled out a stack of voter registration forms.
"Well, you certainly do," I said. "And I'd fill one out right now, but ya know, I just don't have the time."
Then came the moment that I dread more than anything else. The man cocked his head ever so slightly and regarded me with one eye. And with that one eye he expressed a look of "concern". He was "concerned" that I did not understand the severity of third world hunger. He was "concerned" that I was a detriment to the very political system in which I lived. He was "concerned" that I might be Satan. My mom used to give me that look when I wouldn't share a cookie with some snot-nosed kid who thought she was my friend. My mom didn't understand that when it comes to cookies, a kid has no friends. Now that I'm older, I can have all the cookies I want, (still not shareing though , lol) Anyway, Petition Joe was asking for something more precious to me: my time!
"It will only take a moment," he said. "Did you know that you could feed a whole village for six months on the food you threw away today at lunch? hmmm, a whole village on half a bean burrito from Taco Bell *doing the math* sounds about right since, according to Petition Joe, you can feed a family of 62 on one lentil bean split amongst them. *eye roll* .. Think of the good you will be doing. Don't you want to shop with a lighter heart? (sure, but a heavier wallet would serve my purpose much better for this evening *boredly drifting*) Did you know that 'dog' is just 'god' spelled backwards?..." Ok, he totally lost me there!! Dog? God? I didn't get the connection. I must have missed somewhere in his rambled speech, where "dog" took a part in all these...*aggravated*
Think, Kim, think. Do I give in and fill out this guy's paperwork or do I walk away? If I walk away, I'm going to have a conscience crisis... But then if I fill out his forms, he's going to keep lecturing me... While I weighed the pros and cons, the man began to address the issues of beaurocratic tyranny, endangered species, and maggots in my cereal. His one disapproving eye probed me up and down. I had to do it... I couldn't... Agghhhhh!!!
"I'm sorry, sir, I just don't have the time!!" With that, I turned around sharply, happy to have torn away from his judgemental and condescending gaze. and began to march away. Before I could get out of earshot, however, he said something altogether cruel, something that echoed down the corridor for all the world to hear: "Have a nice evening, ma'am."
With a "ma'am," no less! ...I couldnt let him get away with that....I had to defend myself. I had to retort. I called back over my shoulder, "I'm a realist. I'll have a so-so evening, thank you." I told him, didn't I? *patting self on back*
Every time we bump into a petitioner, we are accosted by an unsolicited opinion. It makes you want to wear a sign like the one on our houses: NO SOLICITING. These petitioners force themselves on us much the same way a commercial does when it comes on at twice the volume of a program. (agghhh, I hate that!!) These people walk up, grab us by the heart and say, "Give me your time or I'll squeeze." They are really no different than a bum on the streets. The only difference is that the bum is asking for a different resource -- money. At least with the bum we get to see the charity to which we are contributing. These public accostings are becoming epidemic. I'm waiting for the day when a bag lady approaches me holding a little metal gadget and saying.."Excuse me lady, but would you be so kind as to swipe your ATM card through my Panhandler's Express machine?" Really, it could happen. You never know whats in store for us in the future. That just may be how we will donate to charity causes or feed the homeless, or deal with petitioners, or ever just give a bum a buck....swipe your card and keep on walking.
The next time you're walking in public, keep your head up. If you see one of these guiltmongers pushing his views or his poverty or the injustice his ancestors suffered in 1892, change direction immediately. Do not make eye contact. Pretend to have a hearing problem or maybe gangrene. If it looks like you're trapped, drop a bag on the ground and begin cursing maniacally like it was a vile of anthrax. Otherwise, you could end up just like me -- a girl whose innocent venture to the mall was ruined and left her slightly guilt ridden because of another's attempt at goodwill. *hanging head*
until next time..
- Kim Gallagher-
