LIVE JOURNAL.
December 4, 2002. Wednesday. 7:14
Hey, In addition to this 'journal' of sorts, I have also Acquired a LiveJournal. In case you were wondering, the URL is www.livejournal.com/~pudumaga
Peace.
November 27, 2002. Wednesday. 12:56 p.m.
Hey, I feel immensly Happy right now. Thatv song, Happy by Ashanti is also endlessly playing over and over in my head...HEEHEE. I think I'm in **** with *d**. YAYAYAYAYAY!!! Hey ppl, I LOVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW...But it's all gonna go to shit in like two weeks. DAMN THE FINAL EXAMS!!! :( :( :( This SUCKS!!! ARRRRRGGGHHHH.....I'm not happy anymore. Catch you on da flipside folk! Peace.
November 24, 2002. Sunday. 4:33 p.m.
Riiiight...
I feel weird. I don't know why or anything, but, you know when you just feel like you don't know anything? I feel kinda like that....yea. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about, so I'll shut-up about it now.
Uhhhh....I'm hopefully going to see 8 crazy nights on Wednesday, and hopefully gonna go see xXx or the RING on Friday. Woohoo. Guess who's coming...yep! You're RIGHT!!!
Um...Yea. TTYL peace out folk.
November 23, 2002. Saturday. 8:32 p.m.
confessions
Well, as you can see, I've laid out all my problems on this little tiny page. All of my problems...they actually seem so insignificant when i look back and read them all. I have made a great decision to post this, myself, out to the public. My hopes, dreams and my life...it's all here slowly being chronicled by me, the writer, author, artist, and creator. So hey, if you wanna mess with me about it...screw you.
BTW, I go out with Adam now. ^_^
November 13, 2002. Wednesday. 7:13 p.m.
Darn that boi...
My decision to go out with Adam is succeeding. I will have him in about two to three days. All I have to do is convince Christine that he wants me, not her, so she should get over it.
I mean, I had a dream about asking him out...That counts for something right?
I love spending time with him...I mean, for example, today we held hands...It felt so goooood. I can't even express how much i like him. I mean, he's so sweet. I want him so much, it's not even funny. But then, I...still imagine his kisses. That makes me want him that much more. Shittt...I need him. I don't know...whateva. Peace. BTW...if you haven't figured it out...I'm a crakhed.
November 11, 2002. Monday. 8:59 p.m.
Darn Boiz...
I sit here with my problems. Oh jeez, that sounds incredibly retarded...The thing is, my life has turned into something like boy meets world, or something else along those lines. You know how you always act like boys won't cause that much drama. I mean, you know that they will cause some drama, but not 'can't-sleep-cuz-i'm-worried-about-this-boi drama. And the sad thing is...it's Adam. I am SERIOUSLY enamoured with...Adam McCrobie. But the shit thing is, Christine likes him. A lot. A LOT a lot. She is still super in love with him. She talks about him all time. I know he likes me. I mean, he acts like he really likes me. Even in front of Christine. Though when Christine isn't around, he acts more tender. I seriously want to go with him, but the fact that Christine wants him, holds me back. I still feel insecure though about the fact that he supposedly likes Sarah too. But he can't like her as much, or else he wouldn't spend so much time with me...right? I keep thinking things about him just using me to make her want him. But when it's just him, me, Tiba, and Andy he still acts like he likes me. And Faatimah asked him if we go out and he said 'i don't know'. He makes me feel good inside, which is kinda lame. And it's pathetic that i look forward to school just so i can see him. Tiba laughs at me because of this. She thinks that it's funne that i like Adam. But she won't tell, because I have stuff on her too. She says that she wants to see the fight between me and christine over Adam. But I subtly asked Christine what she'd do if I asked out Adam, and she says that she wouldn't let a boy come between her and a friend. If it were me though, I don't think that i could be that mature. I might just have to stop being friends w/ that person because of a boy. I'm afraid Christine will do that even though she says she won't.
Life sucks, then you die.
November 3, 2002. Sunday. 12:15 a.m.
BOIZ
Hey Man...I love Joe (lol)
CASEY IS GONNA GET HIS ASS WHOOPED ON MONDAY!!!!!
I'm bores as hell...I got a new sitey.
the address is:
http://wakeup.to/pudumaga
www.geocities.com/kimspam123
October 30, 2002. Wednesday. 9:38 p.m.
More Fic Teasers
Comforting Arms
*Pudumaga*
In a dark forest a lone wolf howled. All the fears that lay dormant inside me bubbled up to the surface and I felt my self starting to hyperventilate. My irrational fear of the dark combined with my fear of this particular forest sent shivers coursing through my body.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a shadowy figure creeping through the trees. It looked slightly bent over. Slightly fuzzy around the edges. Slightly...werewolf-like?
This wasn? doing anything to alleviate my fears. This was, in fact, making them worse. A lot worse.
The figure began to slowly creep nearer to where I happened to be positioned, which felt like a fallen tree trunk. The shadow is getting closer. Just a little bit. More. A few more steps and it would be upon me. I couldn? move. Paralyzed. It reaches me and I. Fear taking over. I want to...SCREAM.
~*~*~*~
I wake up to see you lying next to me. Your arms around me. Our legs intertwined. Your sweet, innocent, good face so peaceful in slumber. It takes every bit of will power I have not to kiss you, but I couldn? stand to disturb your slumber. I couldn? stand to see your peace broken. Not by me. Not anyone.
______________________
MY WORLD
Squall's POV
//please tell me what is takin place
cause i can't seem to find a trace
i guess it must have got erased somehow
maybe it's cause i always forget
everytime someone tells me their name
it's always got to be the same//
She's gone.
Here I am. I am here. Does it really matter where? No. All that mtters is the fact that my life has just been blown into oblivion. I've been had. i've been HAD. By RINOA FUCKING HEARTILY. Of all the fucked up things...Hell, at least it hadn't been Zell. I couldn't live with myself if Zell had found out. Then again, I did sense a little something in her. Something not quite...symmetrical. She wasn't normal. Nobody ever is. I should have known that this would happen...I did know. Unconciously, I always know. Always.
//(in my world)//
I got angry.
That's a mistake. Anger gives someone else control of your most potent weapon. Your mind. Never let someone else control your mind. Anger is a tool for the incompetent.
I guess I'm incompetent.
Please help me...images of my warped and twisted form dance in front of my eyes. In my ears. In my BLOOD. Always. Everywhere and nowhere all at the same instant. All a pretty masacre of my nice, tidy, perfectly symmetrical world. Shit.
My intercom buzzed.
On a reflex, my fist came crashing down onto the offending machine. The force of the blow caused the plastic to break, cutting my hand. I didn't notice. I never do. If you sliced my hand off, it would would feel like little more than a bee sting. I can't feel. At all. I know. You know. She knows. Knew. It's different now.
//never wore a cover-up
always beat the boys up
grew up in a 5000 population town
made my money by cutting grass
got fired by a fried chicken ASS
all in a small town NAPANEE//
Reality is false
I am a real person. I am not fake. I am not an illusion. I am not a toy to have your way with. I am not a human sex slave. I am not here for your amusement. I am not an imposter. I am real. REAL. People don't believe me when I say that. Never. ever. Not once. Do you?
I get scared sometimes.
Nobody here knows me. Here in this hell-hole. Nobody cares. I wish they would, just one of them...Only one person cares. One. Out of the whole fucking garden--scratch that. He left. I drove him away. ME. It was my fucking fault. Everything always is. Never him or her, always Squall. Always me. Never you. me. always.
My dreams hurt.
They always have HIM in them. My love. My hate. My heart. My antithesis. Everything in them is painful. From the tender caresses, down to the feeling he causes when he leaves. he always leaves. I always stay. I can't move. I'm stuck. Noone can see me, so I stay. Always. I want him to stay. He should.
//you know i always stay
up without sleepin
and think to myself
where do I belong forever
in who's arms, the time and place//
I stopped sleeping.
I thought I could avoid him that way. I can't. EVER. he's there. ALWAYS. It's taunting me...I think people are starting to notice. I've become delirious. And in delirium he's there. In tranquility, serenity, equality, even in motherfucking stability. He's everywhere. I can't escape. I don't want to. I want him HERE. NOW. I'm tired...
Sleep is useless.
Someone is always there. They rob me of myself. And I give it up. It's the only thing I have. Me. Never Squall. Right now it's some random person. They take pleasure. I give it. It keeps me sane. Zell is getting suspicious. Everyone is. It gets bad when Zell knows things. He tells. always...I can't do it anymore. I screamed his name. HIS. I'm getting worse...help.
//can't help it if i space in a daze
my eyes tune out the other way
i may switch off and go in a daydream
in this head my thoughts are deep
sometimes i can't even sleep
will someone be and not pretend i'm off again in my world//
I can't stop.
Quistis this time. She's here often. She's needs it...She's happy about everything. Especially the reason of my distress. Wait...what IS the reason? I don't know. I always know. always. Something's wrong. Oh, He's not HERE. He's THERE. Dead. Gone. Forever. I want him back. If I ever had him...Wait, I didn't. Or maybe I did. I don't know. or feel. ever.
I'm sleeping.
He's here again. I love it. I hate it. It's always the same. always. Quistis is here. oh no. change. She's thisclose to him. I SCREAM. I wasn't asleep. She looks at me strangely. I don't care. It was illusion. help...
//i never spend less than an hour
washing my hair in the shower
it always takes five hours to make it straight
so i'll braid it in a zillion braids
so it may take all friggin day
there's nothin else better to do anyway//
I hate this place.
i'm starting to hear things...The walls are talking. They tell me things I don't want to hear. And If they keep talking...I'll cut and cut until I...cut...them...down. Then I will have peace. Until the floor talks. I need sleep. I need pills. I can't have them. They all think I'm unstable. Well, they're right. I told them that on the outset. The war messed with me. everything does. Always and forever.
Inversion is the key.
I set everything up. It's perfect. I will find him. His grave. Anything. Everything. I can rest then. I'm going to be ok...
//when you're all alone
in the lands of forever
lay under the milky way
on and on it's getting to late out
i'm not in love this time this night//
I'm getting worse.
I started seeing things. The doctors don't believe me. They think I'm insane. They are perfectly right. I tell them that, and they laugh in my face. I want some help. I NEED help. In...Trouble. Losing all ties to reality. HELP ME PLEASE...
I need him...
He's not here. He's not her. He's not them. They aren't him. He's not here. I want to scream. I want HIM. i always do. he molests my inner being. I need a break from this shit. I want to be simple. and. clean. He'll make me clean.
//can't help it if space in a daze
my eyes tune out the other way
i may switch off and go in a daydream
in this head my thoughts are deep
sometimes i can't even sleep
will someone be and not pretend i'm off again in my world.//
Unstability.
Zell came by today. He knew that I could...Not tell anyone what he said. Unlike him. He's a sneaky bastard. He got it out of me. He knows about HIM. My...I don't know what to call him. I love and hate him. He's my other half. my soul mate. I need his essence.
//take some time
mellow out
party up
don't fall down
don't get caught
sneak out of the house//
Calm.
I got better. They let me have pills. I feel...empowered. Like I got the control back...He still comes though...help. I don't need it...as much. not always.
//can't help it if i space in a daze
my eyes tune out the other way
i may switch off and go in a daydream
in this head my thoughts are deep
sometimes i can't even sleep
will someone be and not pretend i'm off again in my world//
They are strangers.
They still don't know me. After a whole fucking year. I'm waiting for the one who does...He'll come. I know he will. I'll wait until forever if I have to...I'll wait for...him...Always.
~*~owari~*~
_______________________
Why
*Pudumaga*
I need you.
Can't you see? With every touch, every kiss, every smile...It's obvious. Yet day after day, you refuse to see it. You can't see the tenderness in my glances, or the gentleness in my touch. It hurts when you fling me away. Every time. After our 'meetings' you run back to his arms. Always HIM. You LOVE him. Why can't you love me too? What's so great about him? Is it the hair? The looks? Whatever it is, I can change! I'll do whatever it takes for you to love me...Anything.
___________________________
That's about it...Uh...A NEW BOI!!!!
September 6, 2002. Friday. 8:02 p.m.
I Hate Skoo
OMG...My History teacher is such a BITCH. My science teacher is CREZE and my other ones are just retarded. This. Sucks. ASS. O well, there are lots of BOYS to keep me company. ANOTHER NEW BOY!!!! This one's the hottest. We've become friends...PROGRESS. By the end of the year, I will have gone out with him! That is my VOW. Hopefully by my B-day. (BTW tha's in October...fun)
NEwayz, that's all 4 2day!
PS I got a pocket pc so I can type my ficcies at skoo now!
August 25, 2002. Sunday. 7:55 p.m.
Heehee
The Let go series is moving along quite nicely. THE NEW GUY ASKED ME TO THE MOVIES TWICE!!! I'm so excited. He's my Sexy Lover Man now. Yay! Ay Carumba! BTW if ya haven't noticed, I'm obsessed with Avril Lavigne
August 20, 2002. Tuesday. 9:07 p.m.
Ooooo...New BOYS!
Hey, there's this reeeeeeeeeeeally hot guy that I am now totally in love with. I must be luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by such hottie bombalotti guys!!!
August 19, 2002. Monday. 12:18 p.m.
Poooop on a stick
Hey, I'm STILL working on unwanted. I have half of the second part of AWNW finished. I feel HAPPY!!!! So everyone comment on my entry thingies! I'm not mad at my hopefully-soon-to-be-boyfriend BTW. Even more good news!
Byez!
August 18, 2002. Sunday. 11:09 p.m.
Woohoo, I downloaded the clienty-thingie, and it's koo. Um...I'm working on Unwanted and a whole new world. Check out AWNW at ff.net. My penname is SlinksterJamGirl. Surprising huh?
10:37 p.m.
I HATE *******
Hey, I just had a fight with my hopefully-soon-to-be-boyfriend and now I'm being horribly depressed and self-pitying. And listening to depressing music. No new fic previews, sorry...
August 16, 2002. Friday. 8:50 p.m.
Here are some fic previews...lucky you all!!!
Devil in a Blue Dress
Squall Leonhart stared at his reflection. Everything about him was flawless. Even his scars. His own flaws were flawless. He was perfect in every sense that something could be perfect. And that was why he was unattainable, only the lowest of the low could catch his eye. And catch his eye it did...
~*~*~*~*~
Seifer Almasy looked at the triple row of scars on his wrists. Failed suicide attempts. Self-redemption. Call it what you want, he had it under control. yea, about as much control over it as a homeless man has over The White House. He heard what people said about him. No matter what anyone said, though, they didn�t say it to his face. Seifer was messed up, ya know? He came back from the whole Ultimecia thing a little loopy. Like something was right. But you know what? I don�t think he�d ever been right. Especially after Ultimecia.
About then he got up to go to class. Aw, fuck it. Why? It wasn�t as if he was going to make SeeD anyway. He sat back down. But Squall was teaching this class. Squall. ~But you�re supposed to love Squall...~ He told himself. He had kept this secret well, the only other person that knew was long dead. Fuujin. She had died a year and a half earlier on a SeeD mission. Her and Raijin had become honorary members of SeeD, after Squall had witnessed Fuujin�s ever so moving speech about How they were deserting Seifer. Deserting SEIFER. How? There are some things you just don�t do to Seifer Almasy. Deserting him is one of them. ~Fuck her.~
In the middle of his thoughts, his dorm door opened.
TBC
I dunno whut to do w/ this one...i need HELP.
This next one is part of a series I have planned out...It's called The 'LET GO' series
Unwanted
Rinoa�s POV
//All I did was walk over and
start off by shaking your hand
that�s how it went.//
I sat in the cafeteria at a corner table drinking my usual grande mocha frappaccino slowly. I thought about my relationship with Squall Leonhart, Acting Commander of Balamb Garden, Frigid Bitch, whatever. I thought about all that, and how we were failing. Badly.
I reminisced back to the first time I saw Squall...
~I walked in the ballroom searching for Headmaster Cid when my eyes fell on the gorgeous form of Squall Leonhart.
//I had a smile on my face
and I sat up straight
I wanted to know ya
I wanted to show ya//
I walked over to him leaning against the pillar and smiled hoping he�d ask me too dance. He didn�t. So I acted slightly ditzy, everyone expects me to be like that, so I conform. He just stood there pretending I didn�t exist. Inside I was going over things to say. In the end I spoke without thinking, and I came out looking even ditzier.
//You don�t know me
Don�t ignore me
You don�t want me there
You just shut me out//
He still ignored me. Inside I was seething. I wanted to scream or yell or kick or hit something, but I didn�t. Instead I acted even stupider. He still ignored me.
//You don�t know me
Don�t ignore me
If you had your way
You�d just shut me out//
In the end he came up with the lame excuse that he couldn�t dance to try and deter me, It didn�t work, I got him in the end. I always do. We danced and while we were, he tried to escape. I held him, ensnared. When The fireworks came on, I left him wanting more, I could tell. Little did I know that I would be spending the next 4 months of my life with him.
I could see that it wasn�t going to work out between the two of us.
TBC
This gives me writer's block...it sucks.
This next one os kool, but IT gives me W.B. too, in fact I have a FIC named W.B. ...curse it!
FIRE AND ICE
Part 1, Visions in the Sky
Am I fire or am I ice? Only those who truly know me can make that choice. If you watch from afar you will begin to understand what I mean. My cold exterior hides my inner heat. I may seem aloof or standoffish, but that just disguises my passionate ambition to be the best. The best of what, I cannot tell you. I do not think that even I know. But that has no relevance to the story I�m about to tell you.....
~~~~~~~
The moon was out. I stared into the sky with fascination as the stars danced about the heavens. The art of the sky called to me, every night. I would sit here, in the dew-stained grass by the lake and watched the patterns in the stars. It was an escape, if you will, from all the meaningless struggles of the school the loomed behind me.
Riiiiight, i wrote this bit at 3 in the morning...
and this one is odd...
Shields
Author: TwIsTeD_FrEaK
Disclaimers: Usual
Warnings: I dunno. See for yourself.
Part 1
The eyes were everywhere. Brilliant gold faded to jade green in the mirror. The figure stared at the reflection as imagination took over and twisted the image until it became half man, half demon. The demon half was crying blood, while the human, tears.
That was life. By day, a cynical, sarcastic demon hated by all, by night, a lost little boy, seeking refuge in a place where none was given.
He tried to remember a time when he had not been hated, a time when people didn�t give him those looks that said: �Why are you still alive? You should be DEAD.�
I can't even comment on this.
And as you can tell, I change my name a lot. The complete list is:
TwIsTeD_FrEaK
faschizzle69
DS_no_Baka
FuzzySlippers628
AmptGurl
Seifers_biznatch
Tribal Instinct
Cataclysmic_Fear
Drays Shorty
Lady Demon
L D-chan
SlinksterJamGirl
i need to settle on one right?
I like SJG, LD-chan, FS628 and FaSchizzle...pooey
Tha's all! More 2morow!
C ya on the flipside!
~SJG~