things havent been all that good lately..

in the last couple of weeks i have been feeling lots of different emotions...

i have done a lot of stupid things...a lot...but i dont know if i have done any good things...i guess thats where ryan comes into the picture...do i really love him or am i just trying to make myself happy?...he is the most amazing guy and he likes me so much and i think i feel the same way?...i love spending time with him and he makes me so happy...but am i neglecting my friends?...i have been really happy this week...but then i come home and take one look at my father and want to kill myself..literally...its not his fault..its mine..i dont know why i feel so..i dunno...unattached...unable to be able to even look at him anymore...this is my own father. my own flesh and blood...and i dont think its got anything to do with him...i mean apart from his continuosly worsening drinking problem, i cant work out weather i am just using this as a reason to pinpoint my anger at someone...am i blaming him for my screwed up life? i cant really explain this exactly how i want to as words cant explain how i am feeling...why can i be extreamly happy one minute, and on the verge of throwing myself off a cliff another?...am i just being an emotional teenager or is there really something going wrong?..i dont know and i find it so hard to talk to people...to trust them...i feel as tho this last week my friends hate me...thats how i feel but i dont know...im really happy when im around ryan but could i be neglecting them or are they just annoyed/jelous that im happy..i dont know and i really want to sort it out with them but i dont know how they will react, i dont wanna start any fights...cant they just see that for once in my life im happy? that for once in my life i dont feel like i want to hide around someone and that for once in my life im not afraid...this is all of course my life out of home...at home its a total different story...its like i cant be around my family without being uneasy...i know it sounds weird but thats how i feel...i just dont know why and i hate it because they are my family. my life. and i wouldnt be here without them, yet i cant even keep and normal conversation going without walking out of the room...why am i like this?....then my dad will come home and be drinking and then he might look my way and i feel uneasy...i just feel like im being watched...i know when he gets really drunk he looks at me..but looks at me with pride...something  that happens only when hes drunk...but i just dont like it...when hes like this i dont want to even be in the same room with him...i dont want to hear the conversation hes speaking...i dont want to even look at him..i avoid him...now tell me that this cant be right?..or am i just making a big deal out of nothing?!...i dont know what to do...and i just feel so low about it all....and im so lost without my freinds....maybe i have changed since i have been around ryan...but if i have i cant help it...its just naturally changed...and i know they talk about me behind my back...but i just wish they wouldnt because im happy. happy with ryan and i just wish there was a way they would understand im happy...but apparently im making a big deal out of something that doesnt exist, thats what i have been told in relation to me thinking they hate me being around him...but a few of them make smart comments about me not noticing things because i was with him and not my friends...i mean hello im not the first person to ever do this!

but i just need them..they are my life...my reason for life...just like my family are....and if i dont have their support...there is no reason for living...thus my point, i need them and i dont feel that i have them..and im not happy with my situation at the moment..and sometimes just little things build up and im really afraid one day that its going to push me over the edge...and thats what im really afraid of..i dont know what to do...i just wanna crawl into a dark corner forever....

nite xox