Why? Part 1

James lay back on the sofa and closed his eyes with a heavy sigh. He was trying to shut out the muffled tirade of abuse being thrown between his two best mates in the next room.

Another lover’s tiff, no doubt. As much as James loved Matt and Charlie, their recent increase of petty arguments brought onto the band or into their home; couldn’t handle the strain of being put in the middle time and time again. He could not stand being torn between them, he loved them both…maybe more than he could admit to himself, and more often than not their silly arguments meant James ended up trailing over to the other end of their apartment block, where Danny, his own boyfriend, lived with the rest of McFly, just to get away from the tedious shouting. Thankfully, the McFly boys had gotten use to finding James walking around their flat, half-naked, at the most inconvenient times of the morning.

Suddenly, the door to Matt’s bedroom was flung open, and Charlie stormed out with a face like thunder.

“Don’t walk away from me Charlie.” Matt said softly, standing in the doorway, his face shining with tears which effortlessly rolled down his cheeks. Charlie turned to face Matt, his face soft, almost pitying for a brief moment before his face hardened and replied darkly, “I’ll do whatever the fuck I want, Matt. Just stop it…” Charlie reached out and grabbed Matt by his wrists, as his whole body shook with the force of his sobs, “Stop this. I can’t be dealing with all this shit right now. Its tearing me apart. I…I just can’t do it anymore. Its over.” Charlie turned abruptly, breaking his grip around Matt’s wrists and slammed the front door as he left.

James sat up, stunned. He just could not believe it, and neither apparently could Matt. James chanced a glance at Matt and felt his heart tug as his entire body shook with the sheer force of his crying. It came as a surprise to James to see Matt, who usually kept his emotions private, so vulnerable and open like this. It was not one of Matt’s normal characteristics to cry in front of others, or show that he was hurting.

James stood up and crossed the short distance to where Matt was stood, staring hopelessly at the front door.

“C’mere…shh…its OK!” James whispered, pulling Matt into a brotherly embrace. Soothingly, James rubbed Matt’s lower back, feeling the tension beneath his fingertips. Matt turned his face into the crook of James’ neck and sobbed uncontrollably. His arms encircled James’ waist and pulled him tightly against his body as though afraid that James would leave him too.

James rested his cheek against the top of Matt’s head, and subconciously nestled his nose into his hair, letting Matt’s scent overwhelm him. It was such a natural thing for him to do, something he always did when hugging Danny. Something incredibly intimate, yet harmless. Matt turned his face to look at James, his eyes red and swollen from crying.

“He’s not coming back, is he?” Matt asked timidly, his voice so quiet, James barely heard him. But he could hear the pain and anguish in his voice, and it tored right through James. He just wanted to help him, make everything better, make him happier.
“Shh…don’t be talking like that. Of course Charlie’s gonna come back. He’d be a fool to leave you, not knowing how lucky he is…to…to have someone as perfect as you as his boyfriend…he’d be mad not to want to come back to you…I mean who wouldn’t want to come back to you? Who wouldn’t want to be with you? If Charlie doesn’t come back to you, then I swear to god the guy has totally lost it…his eyebrows have taken over his mind, man…” James said softly, making Matt giggle, “No…Seriously,” James continued, “If I were Charlie, I’d be kicking myself right now for letting someone as…as…funny…and as gorgeous…” James cupped Matt’s chin with his hands, “…and as perfect as you go.”
They both knew he was going to do it, as James caressed Matt’s cheek lovingly, James leant forward and covered Matt’s mouth with his own, parted his lips and slipped his tongue into Matt’s mouth. It was soft and gentle, and yet more passionated than any kiss either had previously experienced.

Matt was first to pull away, and on recovering himself pushed James violently away with a look of longing, desire, disgust and confusion on his face. Matt continued to back away from his best friend, but his gaze was no longer upon him but on the floor.

“I’m…I’m going to go. Get some fresh air. I need to think.” Matt said, his gaze falling briefly on James before he wrenched open the front door and vanished from James’ sight.

“But..its 3 o’clock in the morning.” James said quietly, hopelessly watching Matt leave.

“Oh, God. What have I done? What the fuck have I done?” James whispered to himself as he dropped to his knees in front of the window , and watched Matt run out into the pouring rain, blindly stumbling away from the apartment block.

Why? Part 2

A loud clap of thunder brought James back to his senses. He had been sitting on the floor with his cheek pressed against the window, gazing out at the rain. It was icy cold rain driven by a harsh wind. It was the kind of rain that stung your skin when it hit you. James knew, instinctively, that it was that kind of rain. He had grown up by the sea, enduring autumns and winters of weather so awful, that it became almost comforting to him.

He had been waiting for Matt to come back. Waiting for the chance to explain himself. Explain his actions. He hadn’t meant to do it, hadn’t meant to kiss him. No, that was a lie. He had meant to kiss him, but he had only wanted to make him happy, make him feel special. James hadn’t counted on Matt freaking out like he had. Hadn’t counted on him belting out of the flat into the pouring rain and ice-cold wind, wearing nothing but jeans and a t-shirt. That had been nearly five hours ago. James was becoming increasingly anxious as each minute passed. James felt terrible, he felt empty, like something was missing. Like some massive part of him had just vanished.

Matt. His best friend. The one person beside Danny that James loved with every ounce of his being. He couldn’t bare to think that he could have just ruined their friendship.

James reached for the bottle of vodka he had been seeking comfort in, and drained it. His head was swimming and he couldn’t focus fully on what was in front of him. He’d had far too much to drink. As well as the bottle of vodka he had just finished he had consumed half of the contents of their fridge.

James closed his eyes and leant his forehead against the cool window pane. He was so tired – the combination excessive alcohol consumption and lack of sleep was enough to push him over the edge. But he couldn’t give into temptation. He needed to know that Matt was safe. James fumbled in his jeans pocket and unearthed his mobile phone from the collection of notes, plectrums and chewing gum wrappers which were accumulating there. Clumsily, James dialled Matt’s all too familiar mobile number. James prayed that Matt would answer this time; he had been faced with his voice mail each time he had previously tried.

“…Hey. You’ve reached Matt…” Matt’s phone went straight to voice mail.
Frustrated, James threw his phone as hard as he could at the wall.

“Fuck it.” James mumbled as it shattered on impact, and left a large mark on the wall where it had struck. James let his eyes roam the living area. It was reasonably tidy for Matt and James. Only a few empty beer cans littered the coffee table, whilst half-empty bowls and mould-ridden mugs littered the floor around it. T-shirts and jeans were carelessly strewn across the floor and random pieces of furniture. Presumably Matt’s. Or Charlie’s.

James’ eyes fell on a picture above the fireplace. It was a photo of him and Danny embracing. Matt had taken it when the three of them and Charlie had gone to visit James’ folks back in Southend-on-Sea. It had been taken shortly after James and Danny had first got together. It seemed like an age ago now. It had been raining that day, a sudden autumn shower, like it was raining now; and James and Danny had both been soaked through. James had wrapped his arms around Danny in an attempt to share his body heat with him, so he didn’t catch pneumonia or something. Matt had said it was amazingly “sweet” so he’d taken a photo, apparently to remind him what a nice guy James really was when he was being a complete pain in the arse.

James got to his feet, awkwardly, and stumbled toward the fireplace. Picking up the photo, James ran a finger over Danny’s face. Sweet, perfect Danny. James felt sick. Sicker than he’d ever felt before. He’d betrayed his boyfriend, whom he loved more than life itself. Their relationship was different to every other relationship James had previously been in. Ever since they had got together it had been plain sailing. They only ever argued about the most minuscule, stupid things like who had left the hair straighteners on (admittedly usually James) and if the other had cheated when playing on play station. Everyone said they were the perfect couple, they were idolised by many of their friends for this reason. Even Matt had once told him after one of his many arguments with Charlie that he wished they could be more like him and Danny.

Danny was perfect for James – you could almost go as far as to say that he was the one. But somehow, James just didn’t believe in any of this anymore. All he could believe was the memory of Matt’s lips on his, the feel of his heart beating in his chest as James held him tightly against his body. He wanted that more than anything. He just wanted Matt. James placed the photo back on the mantelpiece, allowing his eyes to fall on a photo next to it. It was of him and Matt at James’ parents’ house, just after they’d first met. James’ mum had taken the photo after they’d finished writing ‘Sleeping with the Light On’. They had both been so proud, so happy, so…so young. They’d changed since then.

James was slightly aware of the sound of keys scratching in the lock. James lifted his eyes to the door as it swung open slowly.
Matt stood in the doorway, light spilling in from the hallway behind him. He was absolutely soaked, and James could see, even through his lack of sobriety that he was shivering. He was almost shaking.

“Matt…” James said softly, catching his attention as he shut the door behind him.
“Where’ve you been? I’ve been worried about you.” James continued, sobering slightly at the sight of his older friend.

“Just walking.” Matt said, shaking some of the water from his head as he walked straight past James, unable to look at him.

“OK…well…Matt, don’t ignore me. We need to talk.” James said to Matt’s retreating back.

“Just leave me alone.” Matt said, slamming his bedroom door behind him. James sighed heavily.

Well, even if Matt was being an ass, at least James knew he was safe. With that, James’ last coherent thought, he slumped onto the sofa, and fell asleep almost as soon as his head touched the soft surface.

Why? Part 3

James opened his eyes groggily. Why was he on the sofa? Rubbing his temples vigorously, the events of the previous night started to unfold in his mind.
Oh yeah, that was right, he had been far too tired and too slaughtered to move his sorry arse upstairs to his own bed...and he had been waiting for Matt to come back.

"Matt." James murmured, sitting up far more quickly than he should have done in his post-inebriated state. He immediately regretted it; feeling as though the Notting Hill carnival was taking place in his head.

"Serves you right!" A voice said from the kitchen doorway, making him jump. He smiled sheepishly at Matt who was leant against the wall in that 'fuck-me' stance that he was oblivious too, and yet only he could pull it off.

"Peace offering?" Matt half-asked, half-stated, sitting down next to James on the sofa, handing him a glass of water and some pain-killers.

"Thanks." James croaked, swallowing the tablets with difficulty.

"Saw the pile of empty bottles. Thought you might be in desperate need of some...although...it does serve you right...self-inflicted and all that jazz..." James shot a sidelong glance at Matt and was pleasantly surprised to find Matt staring at him.

"Listen...Jay, I...I just wanna apologise for running off last night...I was shocked."

James could feel Matt's gaze on his face as he turned away, cheeks ablaze, and all he could do was nod. He didn't quite trust himself to say anything; didn't trust himself not to tell Matt how that kiss had affected him...how it was still affecting him. Not trusting him not to tell Matt how angry he was at him for making him feel this way.

Silence followed. It was obvious Matt wanted James to say something, even it just be something as simple as "OK!"; James on the other hand, didn't trust himself enough to even grunt in reply.

Matt sighed deeply, and stood up. "Tea?" He asked, fixing James with an inscrutable gaze.

Nodding again, James stood up, briefly watching Matt's retreating back before heading towards the stairs, filled with guilt. He desperately needed a shower; he smelt foul. It was a wonder how Matt could bare to be anywhere near him.

*

Fifteen minutes later, James sat down on his bed dripping with water, wearing nothing but a fluffy, white towel loosely wrapped around his waist.

Running fingers through his wet hair, James sighed, exasperated. He had been agonising the past fifteen minutes over what Matt had meant. Was he sorry for reacting so badly to James kissing him or was he sorry he hadn't stayed?

Falling back onto his bed, James' thoughts turned once more to Danny. He still loved him, of course he did, but...right now Matt was at the forefront of his mind. All he wanted was the feeling of Matt in his arms; he wanted Matt's mouth on his, urgent, unyielding. God, he just wanted him. And Matt wanted him too, right? He must have done, last night at least, to reciprocate James' actions. Yeah. Right. Bollocks.

A soft tapping at his bedroom door brought James from his reverie.
"Yeah?" James said, raising his head slightly from where it rested on his arms, as the door opened.

Matt slipped quietly into the room, brandishing two scalding hot cups of tea. His deep brown eyes slid from James' and scanned his naked torso, his eyes resting on the towel so loosely and carelessly wrapped around James' waist, exposing the trail of sandy blonde hair below his navel.

James saw something in Matt's deep chocolate brown eyes then. Something he'd never seen before in his older friend's eyes; something he didn't quite recognise. Embarrassed at being caught staring, Matt bowed his head, cheeks flaming.

“Hey!” Matt said, placing the cups on James’ bedside table, before joining James on his bed. Propping himself up on his elbows beside James, Matt turned to look at him

“Listen, I really am sorry about running off last night…I was just emotional, I guess, what with…Charlie and everything.” James met Matt’s gaze at his last comment, and felt utterly foolish. God, why was he so stupid? Of course Matt didn’t want him, he’d taken advantage of his best friend when he was at his most vulnerable. It was a wonder he didn’t hate him.

“I’m sorry for kissing you…I totally took advantage of you, and I’m sorry…” James trailed off when Matt placed a hand on his cheek, caressing it softly.

“Why? Why would you be sorry for that?” Matt said, his voice barely a whisper.

“Wha…?” James mumbled, surprise when he was cut off by Matt’s lips pressed against his own. Matt ran his tongue along James’ lower lip, begging for entrance, which James duly complied with. James looped an arm around Matt’s waist, pulling him closer, wanting to feel his body against him.

Leaving his lips, Matt left a trail of soft, fleeting kisses along James’ jaw-line, biting his neck softly, eliciting a moan from James, as he progressively made his way further down James’ body.

Pausing, Matt looked up at James’ face; his eyes closed, a small smile playing on his lips as Matt placed another soft butterfly kiss upon his shoulder. Grinning, Matt looked down at James’ obvious excitement, protruding from his precariously placed towel.

Pressing his lips against James’ once more, Matt ran a finger up and down James’ thigh, causing him to shiver. Smiling against James’ lips, Matt ran his finger over the top of James’ erection, giggling at the reaction he got, when James bucked his hips towards Matt’s hand, wanting him more than ever.

“So, fucking sexy.” Matt whispered in James’ ear; James groaned as Matt ran a finger up the entire length of his cock.

Kissing James ruthlessly, Matt enclosed his entire hand over James’ erection, slowly pumping away it, knowing James’ was close to the edge; wanting to tease him; prolong this experience.

“Just fucking get on with it.” James growled at Matt, looking up at him, his eyes full of lust, and yearning. Matt didn’t need telling twice. Increasing the speed of his hand movements, James clenched at the bed sheets; sweat was beginning to role down his forehead, as he came all over Matt’s hand and fore-arm.

Wiping his hand on the cover, Matt kissed James softly, and wrapped his arms around James’ waist, pulling him closer to him. Resting his head on Matt’s chest, James entwined his legs with Matt’s, listening to his elder friend’s heartbeat as Matt placed kisses on the top of his head, realising that he felt safe and complete for the first time in a long time. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so tender with Danny.

James tensed, as he heard Matt mumble incoherent words into the top of his head as he dozed off to sleep.

“…love you…”

Smiling, James pulled Matt tighter to him, wanting to stay like this forever, lying here with Matt was everything he could ever have dreamed of.