We Always Hurt The Ones We Love.

Here I sit, watching him sleep. He looks so peaceful with no worries. A faint smile graces his face. He is content – and I’m going to ruin it all. I’ve tried so hard to try and forget about my feelings for him, convince myself that it’s just a crush, tell myself I can live without him, but it won’t work. I love him and nothing I can do is going to change that.

I lean in closer and I call feel the warmth penetrating from his body. I can feel his hair brushing up against my cheek. I love the way his hair lays when he’s asleep. It sticks up all over the place – he looks quite comical really. But I don’t feel like laughing. I gently brush the strands from his eyes and suppress a sigh. My heart is aching, I can feel it weighted in my chest. It hurts to look at him but I can’t help myself, I can’t turn away. He’s so beautiful, untainted. He’s the epitome of perfection. To me, anyway.

He stirs and my heart skips a beat. Luckily he just scrunches up his nose and changes his position, his hip brushing against mine. There are so many people that think they love him, like Kara, but they can never love him the way I do. They don’t know him the way I do. I love all his quirks. I even love the way that after a shower he leaves the sodden towels all over the bathroom floor. They smell of James and I can almost imagine it’s him in my arms instead of a towel.

He lets out a grunt and twists inside the covers. Even when he sleeps he’s endearing. I shift uncomfortably, trying to counter the knowing guilt I feel. In a way, I hope he never wakes up. That way he won’t have to face me, and I won’t have to turn his life upside down. He’ll hate me; I know he will. He’ll probably move out, leave the band. Believe me, I’ve thought about this long and hard. It’s been the most difficult decision of my life, but I have to tell him. Hiding my feelings from him is the one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I know I can’t last much longer. At least this way I can tell him face to face, tell him straight instead of blurting it out in an argument or coming onto him when I’m drunk. It’s the least he deserves. I’m so sorry James.

I turn my attention to him and notice that his eyelids are flickering. He’s waking up. I want to run away and hide, avoid telling him but I have to do this. His eyes open and he rubs them and yawns.

“Mattie? What are you doing in my room?”

“I need to speak to you.”

He immediately sits up. He’s been pestering me for days, asking me to tell him what’s wrong. How could I tell him that it’s because I love him? But there’s no backing out now - this is it.

“So speak to me Matt. I’ve been so worried about you. Tell me what’s wrong. We’re supposed to be friends. You can tell me anything.”

“I know, it’s just difficult.”

“I understand, but I want to help you. Will you let me help you?”

I nod although I know there’s nothing he can do. It’s better to humour him; I don’t want him getting worked up. I’ve decided not to tell him outright, I’m going to work up to it. That way it’ll be less of a shock. Hopefully. I take a deep breath and continue.

“James, I’m gay.”

His eyes widen. It certainly wasn’t what he was expecting. Then he does something that I’m not expecting. He reaches out to me and embraces me. Rubbing my back reassuringly, he whispers into my ear. The fact that his body is so close in proximity to mine isn’t helping me, but I try to forget about that.

“Matt, it’s okay. Did you think that I’d disown you or something? Me and Charlie love you no matter what. You should’ve told us at the beginning. We’ll stand by you no matter what.”

Reluctantly, I pull away. I see hurt in his eyes but he quickly recovers and plasters on a shaky smile. I wish that it were over. I wish I had nothing more to say – but I do.

“It means a lot to me that you’d say that James, it really does. But I have more to tell you.”

His face falls and he tries and fails miserably to lighten the mood.

“Well it can’t be more difficult than telling me you’re gay, can it?”

I smile, wishing it were true. But it isn’t. What I have to tell you is much worse. Brace yourself James.

“I’m in love with someone. But, well, he’s my friend.”

I hope he’ll take the hint and make this all easier. But, being James, he doesn’t get it. He can be so dense and this is one of the times I wish he wasn’t.

“You’re in love? That’s brilliant! Who is he?”

“It’s you James. I’m in love with you.”

He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. He shakes his head, and reaches out to touch my arm. But I have to leave. I can’t sit through the ‘I love you as a friend’ speech. I can’t face the icy sting of rejection. It would hurt too much. I rise from the bed, knocking James off balance. I turn and run for the door, tears blurring my vision. I grope for the handle and when I twist it, run down the hall, down the stairs and out of the door, slamming it behind me.

If only I’d have stayed I’d have heard the words. I’d have heard a hoarse whisper escape James’ throat.

“I love you too.”