Tears down My window
You have a one year old child. The dad of the child broke up with you and you haven’t seen him since- you just can’t live without him anymore.
Rachel was sitting in her flat, the rain battering down on the windows. The sound of thunder rumbled. She then heard a faint cry from her room. She ran to her room.
“Come on, what’s the matter, eh?” said Rachel, picking up her baby, and rocking it in her arms.
This was Rachel’s baby, called Angel who was one year old, and she had a father who was a bit of a jerk and left Rachel as soon as she was pregnant, because he wasn’t committed to a long term relationship, and he didn’t want a child. She hadn’t seen him since then. Not once. He just didn’t care. Why? Thought Rachel ‘I have a one year old little girl here, with no dad. She’ll wonder who her dad is when she gets older.’
“Come on, Angel, we’ll get you a bottle of milk, ok?” said Rachel, rocking Angel back and forth as she walked into the kitchen. She made Angel’s baby formula, and put it in a bottle, then in the microwave for 5 minutes. She got it out, waited till it was cool enough, then went and sat on the sofa with Angel, and fed Angel her bottle. The rain was still battering down on the windows, but the thunder was quieter now. MTV was playing one of her favourite songs, End up Like this by James Bourne. It also made her upset as well, listening to the lyrics.
“Read between these lines, a hundred times, and realise there’ll be no compromises.”
Tears started coming down her eyes as the song played.
“Oh, angel, I wish your dad was here, I really do.” Said Rachel, crying.
Rachel missed Angel’s dad so much. He was the only one for Rachel. But, now, with his new solo career, there was no chance of them getting back together. After what he said, he probably didn’t want to see Rachel or Angel ever again.
*Flashback*
“James…….. I have something to tell you” said Rachel, with a worried look in her eyes.
“What? It’s not anything serious is it?” He said
“ No, it’s not serious James. Well, it’s that I-i-i-I’m pregnant” said Rachel
James was sat there still on the sofa. He didn’t know what to say.
“Please say something! James, please! I thought you wanted a kid!” said Rachel
“Rachel…” he said “Look, I know we were set on having a perfect relationship and all that- but I’m just not ready for that- especially for one with a child in it- I’m not ready to be a dad. I’ve got to end our relationship there. I didn’t realise you wanted a family so soon”
James got up and walked out of the door.
Rachel just sat there. And cried. Two months pregnant with James’ child
*Flashback ended*
Rachel cried. And, yes. The father of her child is James Bourne who used to be in Busted. He was the guy who’d wait for her in the pouring rain, the one who used to serenade her, the guy who told her she was special and be with her no matter what. But he broke that promise. Be by her side no matter what?!
“I don’t think so!” though Rachel, through sobs
“Why, why, why?” said Rachel, looking at the window, and back at her little daughter angel who was giggling.
Rachel couldn’t smile at her daughter- every time she looked in her eyes, she saw James.
Why couldn’t James just have been a caring and loving father? Why? Thought Rachel
Rachel still loved James. But he didn’t love her or Angel. Angel would be a child brought up with no father. Most kids need a father figure in the house. But- Angel would have none. Just her mother, and that was it. She looked into Angel’s bright blue eyes, and saw nothing but happiness. Happiness is all Rachel needed, but she didn’t have, but wanted it in her life. Why couldn’t her life be like it used to be?
*2 weeks later*
Rachel was out shopping, with Angel in the pushchair. As usual, she didn’t have enough money to pay for all the food, so she left the house with Angel’s food and the basics. She hadn’t got her maternity pay, or child benefits yet.
She left the shop again, Angel was crying, and the shopping was falling off the handles off the buggy
“Oh great. Not again, for god’s sake. Why is this happening to me?” she said.
She picked up the bags, and put them back on the pushchair. Rachel shoved a dummy into angel’s mouth, and went round the corner, with tears in her eyes. She had to window shop in the expensive shops, because she hadn’t got the money for them right now.
She was walking past her favourite shop Elle, just browsing, when a boy tripped over the pushchair, knocking it over, and knocking over Rachel at the same time.
“I’m sorry.” He said, helping her up, and helping get the pushchair up
Wait…. She recognised that voice
She looked up at the boy. They stared at each other in silence for quite a while
“James?” Rachel said
“Rachel?” James said
“Look James, I don’t have time for this right now. You obviously don’t have any time for me. Or Angel. Please. You dumped me, and that’s obviously the way you want it to stay!” said Rachel, turning round and running in the other direction, tears streaming down her eyes.
“Wait, please. Rachel, I can explain myself. Please wait up” shouted James
But Rachel just carried on running, until she got back to her house.
She got in, dumped the bags on the floor, got Angel out of her pushchair, sat on the sofa, and started crying her eyes out. She’d seen him, and seen so much hurt in his eyes, but she just couldn’t help but get angry at him, because he probably didn’t want to talk to her anyway. She was annoyed enough as it was that he didn’t want to be the father. She didn’t want Angel to be without a dad. She couldn’t live her life without James. She saw James every time she looked into Angel’s little blue eyes. She couldn’t cope with that.
She decided it would be best to take her own life, someone could care for angel, hopefully.
Rachel got a small sharp knife from the kitchen. She also got a pen and paper. She wrote a message.
Hello to anyone who is reading this message. I’m deciding to take my life, because my ex doesn’t want to be in it because he doesn’t want to see my child. By the time you’ve finished reading this I will probably be dead
Love From
Rachel
Xx
Rachel ended the letter,and it on the side with the pen. She got the knife with her hand, and dug it into the skin. She could see the blood slipping out. Suddenly, her vision started blurring, and she fell to the ground.
*5 minutes later
“KNOCK KNOCK”
No Reply.
“KNOCK KNOCK”
“Come on, let me in, it’s rent paying day.” Mr Phillips said
He knocked again
No reply. He went and got the spare keys and opened the door. He went into the house to see Angel crying. He went into the kitchen, and saw Rachel, lying in a pool of her own blood. He also read the note
“Oh my god. Oh my god. Shit, I have to call 999!” said the man
The man called 999, shaking.
“5 Finchley avenue. It’s a self harmer, I think she may be unconscious.” Said the man, worriedly, the fear in his voice.
“Ok, we’ll get there as fast as we can” said the ambulance service
The man put a cloth under her and over her arm
*5 minutes later, the paramedics rushed into the apartment
“She’s over here!” shouted the man
They came over
“10 cc’s of oxygen” said the paramedic as she was lifted onto the stretcher.
“What about her kid?” said the man
“Bring her to the hospital crèche!”said the paramedics, taking Rachel out of the house and into the Ambulance.
Mr Phillips took Angel, and the note in his car and started following the ambulance to the hospital
“It’ll be ok sweetheart- your mummy’ll be ok- I think” said Mr Phillips.
Rachel arrived at the hospital 10 minutes later.
“Oxygen!!! Quickly!!!” yelled the paramedic as she was rushed into A & E at the hospital.
Rachel was rushed into the emergency room- and they gave her loads of oxygen.
“Shit- she’s lost loads of blood- she will need a blood transfusion!” said the doctor “But- she’s very critical at the moment- we may have only just saved her life- we’ll have to wait.This’ll be a very tense day-and night.”
The hospital staff took Rachel into intensive care, and hooked her up to the drips.
Mr Phillips rushed into A & E.
“Excuse me, young female around 20, self harmer was rushed in here, have you seen her?” said Mr Phillips
“Oh yes- her name’s Rachel Smith. But- I’ve been told she’s in a very bad way so she can’t have any visitors in at the moment. I’m so sorry. Take a seat over there please. Would you like the little one to go into the crèche?” said the receptionist
“Yes, thanks” said Mr Phillips
“It’s this way. I’ll just show you” said the receptionist
She showed Mr Phillips to the crèche
“Excuse me, can this child stay in here….. her mum’s in a critical condition in the hospital.” Said the receptionist
“Yes, we can. What is her name?” said the woman
“Angel Smith. I hope this isn’t any trouble but can she stay overnight?” said Mr Phillips
“Yes- we have an overnight service” said the woman
“Thank you” said Mr Phillips, handing Angel over to the crèche receptionist then running off.
* James and Matt’s Flat
“ I saw her today Matt.” Said James
“Who?” said Matt
“My ex. The one who had my child. The one I told that I didn’t want anything to do with her child or her anymore.” Said James
“Oh- that girl” said Matt
*Suddenly, on the local news, a breaking news story came up
“Hello. Yes, I am Kenita Jones reporting for BBC London. I am standing outside 5 finchley avenue where there has been an attempted suicide. Neighbours say that this girl is called Rachel Smith, has had a couple of troubled years and her boyfriend left her. She is in a very critical condition at St. Thomas’ hospital. Doctors say she has lost a lot of blood, and there was a very sharp knife next to where she was found in her home. Back to you Huw”
James sat there in shock
“Mate, mate are you ok?” said Matt
“Oh god- crap. This is my fault. I wasn’t there for her- I think she needs me really badly- I think I need her. I’m going now” said James
“Ok- but James mate, I’ll come with you, for support.” Said Matt
They left the house quickly. James didn’t care how fast he went down the road- he just had to see Rachel- (if she was still alive) and tell make up with her- tell her how he loved her so much. He didn’t care if he was going through traffic lights either.
They arrived at the hospital 5 minutes later. James rushed up to the reception desk quickly with Matt
“Excuse me, is there a Rachel Smith in this hospital?” said James
“Yes, there is- - her blood level was lower than we thought. Wait over there please” said the receptionist.
James went and sat on one of the hard and uncomfortable plastic hospital seats and put his head in his hands.
“Why- why did I have to do this? I feel like such a prick now. I just wish I hadn’t done it- I really wish I hadn’t” said James, his eyes welling up with tears.
Matt could see that James was a wreck. He knew what James was going through. James just couldn’t forgive himself that what he did lead Rachel to do this, he could never forgive himself.
Then suddenly from round a corner, a girl could be seen with brown hair coming out of re-cuss.
“She’ll be fine- for now. She’ll have to be on a blood drip, and visitors can come in. Only one at a time though.” The doctor said “I’ll tell the receptionist.”
The doctor came through and told the receptionist.
“Ok, I’ll tell him.” Said the receptionist
The receptionist came over, and spoke to James.
“You can go in and see her now. No one else” said the receptionist
James ran quickly to the room where Rachel was. He saw her, all connected to drips. He went into the room slowly, making sure not to make too much noise. He pulled up a chair, and sat by Rachel. He saw her pale face, her body, all connected to drips. Tears started falling down his eyes. He couldn’t believe what he’d done to Rachel. All those things he said to her. He just wanted to take it all back- he wanted things to be like they were in the first place.
“Rachie sweetie- I know you cannot hear me at the moment. But, if you can, then I have a few things to say to you.” Said James, through sobs “ I love, you and I never meant to hurt you. I should have stayed, but I was really scared and I needed to sort my head out, I just really hope you’ll forgive me Rachel. I can’t be without you either. Please wake up”
He gripped Rachel’s hand tightly. Her fingers flinched a little, bit but she didn’t move at all. James really wish he hadn’t said those things to her- he wish he hadn’t done it. He’d fucked up Rachel’s life, and didn’t know if she’d live through the night. He would just have to hope and pray that she would survive. He didn’t want to lose her. She was the only one that he loved; there was no-one else for him. Rachel was his soul mate- the rock by his side.
“Rachel, I just can’t explain how bad I feel. If you die, I’ll always guilty about what I did.” Said James, gripping her hand tightly.
Rachel was as pale as a sheet. James could see the cuts she made on her arms.
“I caused this, great” said James, to himself “I’m always messing up peoples lives.”
All through the day, James was sitting there, with Rachel who hadn’t woken up yet, all still, drips sticking in her arms, tubes up her nose. She looked lifeless. She looked almost ghost like with that pale face.
Suddenly, the machines went crazy
“bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep”
James pressed the emergency button, and the doctors came through.
“Ok, oxygen quickly” said the doctor
They got the oxygen, and pumped it into Rachel.
“bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep”
James was panicking
“We’ll have to resuscitate her again” said the doctor
The doctor turned on the machine.
“1, 2, 3” said the doctor “Not working…… once more!!!”
The doctor tried it again. There was no response
“Come on girl….. you can do this….. one more try!!!!!” said the doctor
He tried it once more. There was not any response. Then, the machine went
bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
“Death at 17:54.” Said the doctor
James cried. He looked at Rachel. He didn’t know what to do with himself.
“I’m sorry sir. I’m so sorry.” He said.
The doctor then went out and left James there.
“Rachel, god. Why did this have to happen. I never got a chance to say sorry to you before you died. I feel so guilty.” Said James “I feel awful”
Matt then came past. He had Angel in his arms.
James then walked out, and got Angel in his arms.
“Angel sweetheart. Your mum has gone to a better place now.” Said James
“James mate….. is she….erm…….dead?” said Matt
“Yep…. she is.” Said James “And I never got to say sorry properly.”
“God- mate I feel sorry for you. I’ve never seen you this upset before. Do you want me to take Angel back, so you can spend some time with Rachel?” said Matt
“Yeah, if you don’t mind mate” said James “Be good for Uncle Matt, won’t you?” He handed Angel over to Matt. James then walked back into the room where Rachel’s body was lying.
“Why did I have to let this happen to you?” said James “I’m such a bloody jerk. This could have been avoided. I feel so awful. I just wanted to say sorry to you….. but now it’s too late, because the damage has been done.”
*4 weeks later.
It was the day of Rachel’s funeral. They were all standing outside the church on this cold wet blustery day.
“Rachel Smith was a very kind and considerate person, always thought of others before herself. She had a caring friend and lovely little daughter. She will be missed very much” said the vicar
James could feel his eyes welling up.
“Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust” said the vicar, lowering her coffin into the grave.
The grave was then covered over,and everyone walked away. Not James. He need to stay and say goodbye.
“Shall I take Angel? She probably won’t want to see you like this.” Said Matt
“Yeah, cheers mate” Said James, handing over Angel to matt.
James knelt down besides Rachel’s grave.
“Rachel. You know what? I loved you from the day I first saw you. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving you. I’ll never forget you Rachel. No-one will ever forget you. I just wish you were still here…. I really do” said James, sobbing loudly, his head in his hands.
After a while, he got up, then kissed Rachel’s grave.
“Goodbye Rachel. Goodbye….” said James
He got up, and left the grave crying. His one true love- gone. Gone for good.
There would always be tears down his window.