Rabbiteen

Cause when he lied it meant he loved me

And when he lied it meant he cared

And when he lied it meant he loved me

Cause when he lied it meant meant that he was there

I can hear you fumbling with the lock, trying not to wake me. But I'm already awake. I can't sleep if your not in bed beside me. I know how pathetic I sound but I need you Matt, more than you'll ever know.

You've opened the door and I hear you curse as you knock something over in the hall, making enough noise to wake up everyone in a twenty mile radius. I can't pretend to have slept through that, so I pull off the covers, shivering as the cold air envelopes me, and navigate my way through the junk and random crap that covers our bedroom floor.

"Mattie, is that you?"

I know it's you, of course I know it's you. Who else would come barging into the flat we share at three thirty in the morning?

"Yeah Jay, it's me baby! Go back to sleep!"

I pad down the hallway, ignoring your request. I need to know if you've been with her, I need to know if you've lied to me again. I squint my eyes as I approach the hallway, adjusting to the light. It takes me a couple of seconds to confirm what I suspected. You have been with her, you have lied to me again.

Your hair is tousled, not from the wind; I can imagine her hands running through it. Your lips are still red and slightly swollen ; I can imagine her lips on yours. You have a prominent, throbbing lovebite on your neck, juxtapose in comparison to your creamy skin; I can imagine her sucking you, biting you, leaving her mark, making you hers. Your eyes have an unnatural glow to them, as though you've come down from a high; I can imagine her making you moan, making you groan, making you whimper, making you cry out in ecstacy. Your clothes are hanging loosely from your body, buttons mismatched when they were fastened in haste; I can imagine her, giggling, helping you put your clothes on after romping in her bed. And you positively reek of sex, it oozes from every pore and hangs heavily in the air.

And yet, you continue to lie.

"I'm sorry I woke you, baby, I was trying to be quiet."

"It's okay, I was up worrying about you anyway."

"Why?"

"You said you'd be back by twelve, you promised."

"I'm sorry, Jimmy Jay. But you know what my dad's like..."

You drone on, making up some stupid story about how you and your brother had to carry your dad home and getting lost on the way - I'm not really listening. How can you think I'm so stupid? Do you really think I don't know what's going on? You'd have to be blind, in fact, a blind person would probably know what's been going on. Still, I play along with your game, laughing at your story, nodding in agreement when you tell me about how much of an arsehole your dad can be.

I couldn't bare to confront you about it. I couldn't risk losing you, not to her. I know I'm being naive, but somehow, it seems that if I pretend it's not happening, everything will be okay. I know we can't go on like this forever. You'll leave me for her, someday. But I don't want today to be that day.

You amble over to me, a grin plastered on your face. I know what you want, and I know I'll give it to you. You don't even have to ask.

"Jay Jay..."

You stroke my cheek and twist my hair in your fingers, smiling at me coyly. It would be perfect if I couldn't smell her perfume, suffocating me like a noxious gas. But I still lean into you, surrender myself to you.

"Yeah, Mattie?"

"Are you coming to bed?"

I don't need to be asked twice. You lead me by the hand, peering over your shoulder as we walk as fast as we can, hindered by the shoes and coats, to the bedroom. Pushing the door open, you pull me inside, and we begin to kiss.

I feel something soft on the back of my knees and before it can register, I feel myself being lowered onto the... oh, it was the bed. We strip quickly and clumsily, clothes flying in all directions. Your hands wander up and down my body, like trails of fire, leaving my skin tingling.

I know tonight won't be romance and whispered sentiments of love, but it doesn't matter. I just want to feel close to you.

My eyes roll back into my head as you take my length into your mouth, licking the sensitive underside, before alternating between teasing the head with your tongue and deep throating me. I know I won't last long, I can feel myself slipping into the abyss...

"Oh God, Matts, I think I'm gonna... Mattie!"

I cry out as I feel my whole body being taken over by my orgasm, the pleasurable spasms jolting through my muscles.

I barely have time to recover from the stupor I've fallen into before you're guiding my hand down to your boxers, pushing it under the waistband. Realising what you want me to do, I wrap my hand around your cock and begin to pump, setting a fast pace. After a few strokes I feel your body tense, then shudder as you come, coating my hand and your stomach in the sticky fluid. God, she must have worked you up. I'm not that good.

I instantly regret thinking about her, and the time you've spent together. My stomach to knot and I feel the bile rising slowly up my throat as I start to gag. Rushing to the toilet I make it just in time, heaving into the porcelain bowl.

After I'm sure I've emptied the contents of my stomach, I stand up shakily, and gasp as I see my reflection in the mirror. My eyes are dark, as though outlined in kohl; upon closer inspection I see that they're bloodshot and watery. I have a weeks worth of stubble on my face, which isn't actually that much, but never the less looks odd and out of place. I reach up and lift my unbrushed, matted hair from my forehead, only to recoil in horror. I'm breaking out in spots! Gigantic, pus filled boils form a dot to dot. In short, I look totally disgusting, and completely unattractive. Can I really blame Matt for going off me? Can I really blame Matt for sleeping with someone else? No, I can't.

I look down critically at my bodym, clad only in boxers. God, how could I have not noticed? How could I have not realised how fat I've become? I step on the scales and watch the wavering pointer with baited breath. All the air whooshes from my lungs as the marker settles on the eleven and a half stone mark. How can Matt even bear to look at me? No wonder we don't make love anymore, no wonder he waits for the cover of darkness before initiating sex. Why is he still with me? Out of pity? I can't believe that I've been blaming him all this time, when... I don't even want to think about it anymore.

I hurry out of the bathroom, and almost dive back into the bed, pulling the covers up to my chin. You roll over, wrapping your arms around my waist, planting soft, sloppy kisses in the hollow of my throat, before working your way up to nibble and suck on my earlobe.

"Stop it Matt, I'm not in the mood!"

I feel lonely as your arms slip from around and you move over to the other side of the bed. No wonder you keep going to her for sex; how can I refuse you? How can I brush off the ministrations of my beautiful boyfriend? There must be something wrong with me.

"Jay, are you alright? I heard you being sick; are you ill?"

"I'm fine, it's just some stupid stomach bug, that's all."

You still care about me, even after I rejected you. I don't deserve you, I don't deserve the love you've shown me. I feel more empty inside then ever, and I can't hold back as the tears stream down my face, the sobs wracking my body and ravaging my throat. I lean into your embrace as you comfort me. All I can think about is how perfect you are.

I don't deserve you.

I don't deserve you.

I don't deserve you.

I don't deserve you...

I wake up, god knows how many hours later, greeted by your face. I can't help but smile. You look so angelic, so perfect when you sleep Mattie. I shift my body, so I can get a better look at you. I hear you muttering in your sleep, indistinguishable murmurings. I only manage to make out three words; 'I love you'.

For a moment, my hear skips and I feel as though I'm on cloud nine, but it diesn't last. Your probably dreaming about her. Those words are probably directed at her. I can't help but feel the burning resentment build up inside me.

I don't know why I put up with it. I don't know why I don't leave you. After all, your only using me. All the fans think it's sweet, all that JayBourne crap sells records. You fell out of love with me a long time ago. Actually, I do know why I'm still with you. Despite everything; I need you. I don't know how I'd cope without you, I wouldn't know how to function.

I glance back at you, the pale moonlight casting shadows that dance across your well defined body. The body that I ache to touch. Lay before me, you are exposed, and I see you for the first time. I see you for what you really are; I see you for what you truly are. A lie.

Keep lying to me, Mattie, don't stop lying to me. In your lies I find my solace and comfort. Your lies are my life.