It's All In Your Head
in the darkened, empty room
He stays curled up with in the gloom.
He's in here. He is and it's all my fault. He has every right to be in here though, after all it is his room but it's my fault he's in the state he is. That state is curled up in the corner, hidden by his desk and bookshelf, crying. He doesn't even have the sense to lay curled up in his nice comfortable bed. Instead he's squeezed himself into that corner where he is leaning into the wall, his hands over his head and his knees pulled up to his chest. I did that, I did and I'm proud. I have that much power over him. I can make him do things he never wants to do, I can make him feel things he doesn't want to feel, I can make him think things that don't even exist. That's quite an achievement and one I am most definitely proud of.
Why does he let you rule how he feels
When he knows that none of it is real.
I hate you, I really do but you won't go away. You tell me all these things. I know they aren't true and I don't want to believe them but you just keep going on and on about them until I give in. They hurt, they really hurt but you never leave me alone. You make me feel that hurt constantly. You're always there, you're always nagging at me, always forcing me to believe what you tell me. I know that I shouldn't, I know that none of it is real but you just don't give in. I want you to go away, I want you to leave me alone but you won't and it all hurts so badly. It hurts too much. I need released.
He still won't move and the rooms still dark
He wants help but you've already left your mark.
This is pretty hilarious really. I know how badly he want's me gone. I know that but it's so fun to play with him. He's so insecure it's pathetic. I can make him believe every word I tell him even when he knows it's all lies. He knows that yet he still believes me. He's weak and he's fun to play with. He screams at me sometimes. Shrieks at me to just leave him alone. I've known him to throw things too, he has quite a temper when provoked enough. Shouting and throwing things though can't get rid of me. It just makes me laugh, laugh at him and that just infuriates him even more. He knows he can't get rid of me and I know that to. He's just pathetic in even trying to, he doesn't realise that in his attempts to get rid of me he just makes it so much easier for me.
He cried for help but it was already gone from his grasp
He hurt the one who could, that time he saw him being the last.
You made me do some things I really hate myself for. You made me hurt him, the only person I ever loved. You made me hurt him and he left. You forced me to loose the only one who could help me. I should have told him right from the start, told him about you the moment you appeared but I couldn't - you made sure of that. You made me think that he'd laugh at me if I told him, you made me think he'd think I was pathetic and weak and you told me that if I told him I would be just that. You made me believe that. I didn't tell him, I did what you wanted instead. I shouted at him for no real reason, I shouted and I threw things and then I hit him and that was it. I knew the instant I did that that it was wrong, that I shouldn't have been shouting at him. It was you I was angry at, it was you that I should have been shouting at, throwing things at, hitting but instead you made me take it all out on him and when he asked why I couldn't even give him a reason. When I failed to even give him that he just left, walked straight out and now I'm left with nothing but you.
You twisted him and left him broken
And now from this state he cannot be woken.
I even made him get rid of him, the only person he has ever truly loved and who loved him back. It was so easy to do as well, he was that angry with me that I just made him take it all out on him, and he left. Now he's all on his own. There's no one at all now who can possibly save him from me. He is completely mine now and I can do what I like to him. I could totally destroy him if I wanted but I think it's more fun this way. It's getting a bit boring now though, he's been sat like this for almost a whole day. I need to liven things up a bit; maybe I'll twist him a bit more. Maybe I will totally destroy him. I haven't decided yet. It's all so easy though, he's so weak against me, and he has no defense at all. I can tell him what I like and he believes it straight away now. That's how he came to be in such a bad state, he'll just believe anything I tell him and as you may have guessed by now, I'm not the nicest when it comes to telling people things.
He's gone too far and it doesn't look likely to change
You've done everything you could and left him deranged.
I need him so much. I need him to come back and make you go away. I need you to go. I NEED YOU TO GO. I want him to come back so I can say sorry. I wonder where he went. I need him and I hurt him. YOU made me hurt him. YOU. I need him; I can't do this on my own. I need him. I want to kill you. I think I might actually. Then you'd be gone. You wouldn't like that would you? NO. I need him, I can't have him if I kill you but I need you gone. I can't stand you anymore. I CAN'T STAND IT. I need him, HIM not YOU. He's not here though, I made him go, I hurt him, and he won't come back. I can't do this without him. I have nothing without him. Where is he? Where did you make him go? Why did you make him go? Why did you make me hurt him? Why? I need him...I need him...
Is this they way you wanted him to be?
Are you pleased with the him that you now see?
I went for the destroy completely idea. There's nothing left for me to do now. He's on his own, he hates his own actions, he's lost the person he loves and there's no one else to help him. I think my work may be done. What else could I do to him? I still think it's funny though, he was so easy to break, so easy to twist. He put up hardly any resistance at all and now he's destroyed. He's not really him any more, he's just a big lonely screwed up mess. I'm bored of him now. There's no more fun to have other than just staying and watching him slowly waste away. There's nothing left now. Nothing left.
There's one last thing you didn't take into account though
There's more to them than you could ever know.
I've gone over everything that happened a couple of days ago in my head, I've even talked to James about it and neither of us can come up with a suitable reason as to why Charlie hit me. I've been thinking about it none stop. He's never seemed that violent before but that night he was just so angry. He shouted and threw things and then finally hit me and I can't think of a reason why. He's never been like that before. I love him and I thought he loved me so I can't just leave it. I've decided I need to know why; I need to know why he did it so I've come back. When I entered our flat it was quiet and dark. I slowly made my way through it, turning on the lights and looking for him, wondering why he didn't appear to be in when the door was open. If he was in though music would be playing or something, it wouldn't be this quiet. I reach our room and I falter slightly before I push the door open. I'm sure I can hear him crying. I have never heard him cry before, Charlie just doesn't cry. I step into the room and find it's just as dark as all the others so I turn the light on. At first I think he's not here either as I can't see him but as I step further into the room I can definitely hear him crying. I look around the room and finally spot him huddled up in the corner. I can see something is wrong with him, his hands are woven into his hair, gripping onto it tightly and tears are streaming easily down his face. His knees are brought up to his chest and his rocking himself slightly. The most striking thing though are his eyes, they look empty except for pain, he's staring straight ahead of himself yet doesn't seem to be seeing anything at all. He just looks wrong.
"GO AWAY" he suddenly yells and I back away slightly before I realise that it wasn't me he's shouting at. I can see from his empty eyes that he hasn't actually seen me yet, he doesn't realise I'm here.
"Please just go away, please, you made him go, why can't you. GO! " He whimpers and I move forward again, he's talking about me so I know for sure it's not me he's talking to. I'm the only other person in the whole flat though so just whom is he talking to? Who does he want to go?
"Charlie?" I ask hesitantly and his head suddenly snaps round to look at me and I see that this time he is actually looking at me and seeing me.
"Matt?" he asks quietly and the volume of tears increases. "He made you go. You shouldn't be here. He made me hit you, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to, I never wanted to hurt you. I need you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.� he cries and I move closer to him still wondering who it is he's talking about.
"Charlie who's he? Who made you do it?" I ask him and he looks at me with his eyes suddenly wide like he's scared or shocked, I can't tell which.
"He did, He made me do it. He won't go away." and now his voice is full of his tears as well and it makes my heart ache seeing him in such a state. Something is obviously very wrong.
"Where is he?" I ask and he moves one of his hands, letting go of his tight grip on his hair.
"There." he says, tapping his head with the free hand before pulling at his hair again.
"Make him go away, please! Don't leave me, I never meant to hurt you and I'm so sorry. Please make him go, please help me. Please." he pleads and I'm lost as to what to do, this 'him' appears to be in his head and that scares me. He so scared himself though and he needs help. I look at him for a minute and he seems so broken that I can't be mad at him for hitting me anymore. It wasn't his fault, something is wrong and that's what made him do it. I move closer to him and pull him into a hug, holding him tightly and trying to comfort him.
"Shhh.it's all in your head, he's not real, he can't hurt you anymore, I'm back...I won't leave you again." I tell him as he cries, his face buried into my chest, the tears soaking my t-shirt.
You thought you left him broken but you were wrong
You should have realised he wouldn't have left him on his own for long.