If Your Kisses Can’t Hold The Man You Love.

Matt had wanted to end his relationship with James for months. But how could he do it? He didn’t want to hurt James, he loved him, he’d just discovered that he misinterpreted his own feelings. Whenever he came close to saying those words, to saying that he wanted them to split up, James would come home with a present for him, or write him a poem saying how much they were meant to be together. His resolve would disappear every time. Every time he put it off, his insides would positively squirm with guilt. He knew he had to be honest; he knew he should have told James he wasn’t happy a long time ago; but he couldn’t.

James had known that Matt was having second thoughts about their relationship for months. Instead of speaking to Matt and sorting it out, he’d tried desperately hard to make him happy. He’d written him poems, bought him gifts and showered him with affection; but it didn’t work. Whenever they started to get intimate, Matt would run a mile, making unbelievable excuses as he left. James had seen the look in Matt’s eyes; he’d seen the guilt. He just hoped that if he ignored it, everything would go back to normal. He knew he was kidding himself but he knew he couldn’t give Matt up; he just couldn’t.

The tension had become almost unbearable and Matt was reaching breaking point. They were watching television, both aware of the awkward atmosphere but both determined to hide it from the other. James shifted his position, edging closer to his lover. He felt Matt shudder involuntarily – it wasn’t because he was aroused by the fact that his boyfriend was in so close proximity, it was because the contact was unwanted. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, it was painfully obvious. Despite this, James continued with his ministrations, driven on by his sexual frustration. Slowly, he ran his hand up Matt’s thigh, towards his crotch. Again, Matt stirred at his touch. James, however, was able to fool himself that it was anticipation that had made Matt fidgety. He turned around and leaned in closer so he and Matt’s chests were pressed together. Their lips were inches apart; it would take only a fraction of a second to close the gap…

Matt began to panic. He knew what James wanted; but he knew he couldn’t give it to him. He too was suffering from the celibacy of the past few weeks. Although he had many opportunities, Matt hadn’t cheated. Not that he hadn’t wanted to. He’d just made a promise to himself, made a promise never to cheat on James, no matter how bad things got. James just didn’t deserve that. His skin tingled when his chest came into contact with James’. The touch brought into sharp relief how much he needed this. But he didn’t need it from James. He knew what was coming next. Sure enough, a few seconds later he felt James’ lips upon his own. He kissed back, not wanting his boyfriend to suspect anything. After a few minutes the kisses lost their innocent edge and Matt felt James’ tongue begging for entrance. He complied but was determined to stop himself if James took this further, which he undoubtedly would.

James slipped his tongue into Matt’s mouth, exploring it in a way that suggested he hadn’t before. It was then that realisation hit James. Matt hadn’t kissed him like this in weeks. He had had to settle for quick pecks, or chaste kisses to his forehead. Maybe everything was all right again, maybe Matt would let him take things to the next level. Cautiously he brushed his hand over Matt’s groin, encouraged when he heard a moan. Gaining confidence, he pulled down the zipper of Matt’s jeans and slipped his hand into his boxers. The feeling was incomparable. After weeks of being denied, he had finally been able to fix things. He wrapped his hand around Matt’s length and began to pump slowly. The air was filled with gentle gasps and cries as James increased the pace. He knew Matt was close, he could feel it. He withdrew his hand, smiling when he heard the noises of protestation made by his lover. He pulled Matt’s jeans down over his hips and discarded them. He reached up and did the same with his boxers.  Lowering his head, he took the tip into his mouth and began to suck. He kissed up and down his member, licking the underside. Spurred on by Matt, he took the whole length into his mouth. That was all it took for Matt to reach his peak. He came in James’ mouth, his hands in his hair. The deep, guttural moan that escaped his throat went straight to James’ groin. He didn’t normally believe in giving to receive, but this time he would have to make an exception.

Matt was in shock. After his determination to stop things, he’d let James carry on. He knew he’d screwed up. Now James would think everything was back to normal, but it bloody well wasn’t.  His fears were confirmed when he saw the look in James’ eyes. Though, Matt did have to admit, he did look incredibly sexy – his hair was tousled and his lips were red and swollen. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt if he let go, just this time.

James looked up into Matt’s eyes. He could see Matt was having a battle with himself. He tried not to look put out, but it was hard. He’d had his hopes built up and now he braced himself for the icy sting of rejection. These thoughts were far from his mind when, a few seconds later, Matt had pushed James onto his back and began to kiss him. James found it wasn’t like before – he had kissed Matt in a sweet, almost innocent way, whereas Matt’s lips met his with bruising force. Not that James minded, he just wanted Matt; he just needed Matt.

Without warning, Matt broke the kiss disappeared into the bedroom. When he went back to the living room he wasn’t empty handed. James noticed the tube of lubrication and shivered when he thought about what was going to happen next. Matt opened the bottle and coated himself and his fingers with the gel. Smiling seductively at James, Matt lowered himself over his lover and they began to kiss again. Matt’s hand wandered down, in between James legs, which he had spread apart. Eagerly he slipped a finger inside James and curled it round to hit his prostate.

James yelped at the intrusion – Matt could have been a little gentler. All the discomfort faded away when he felt Matt’s finger brush over the spot that made him see stars. He squirmed, a wordless plea for more. He let out a whimper when he felt Matt teasing him, running a slick second finger around his entrance. Luckily, Matt wasn’t in the mood for games, and inserted another two fingers. He wriggled, allowing himself to get used to the intrusion. Matt set a steady rhythm, thrusting his fingers in and out of James slowly, reaching for the bundle of nerves each time. James had begun to feel restless. He wanted to feel Matt inside him. It made him feel whole; it made him feel needed.

Matt knew what James wanted, and he was past the point of no return. He couldn’t stop now even if he wanted to. He hated toying with his boyfriend’s emotions, but he knew they both needed it. He looked at his lover, took in every detail of the body writhing beneath him. James was truly beautiful; he didn’t deserve this. Matt felt the familiar wave of guilt wash over him. Despite this, he didn’t stop. He run his free hand up James’ chest and stroked his cheek. Bending down to kiss James briefly he positioned himself.

“James, are you okay? Do you want me to stop?”

“No, please… just, please!”

James hissed when he felt Matt enter him with one fluid movement. Even though Matt had been doing this for over three years, the last few months of deprivation had taken its toll. He looked up at Matt, who was staring at him, concern etched in his features. He smiled and squeezed his thigh reassuringly. James couldn’t help but grin when he felt Matt pull out and push back in slowly, edging in a bit at a time.

“I won’t break, you know.”

Smiling, Matt thrust into James again, setting a gentle, but quicker pace. Before long Matt was on the edge of orgasm and he came, buried deep inside his lover. Shakily, he withdrew and drew James’ lips into a kiss. When they broke apart, his hand travelled down James’ chest, skimming briefly over his nipples and continued until he reached his destination.

James’ eyes rolled back and his hips bucked when he felt Matt’s hand close around his length. His cock had been ‘screaming’ for contact, and was feeling a tad neglected. He felt Matt’s weight bear down on him, holding his body in place. Matt‘s hand was pumping ruthlessly and before long James felt that familiar warmth fill his body and he came over Matt’s hand and his stomach. Completely tired out James closed his eyes, quite willing to fall asleep in his current state. Unfortunately, Matt didn’t feel the same way.

“Come on James, get up. You need a shower.”

Matt pulled James to his feet and as his lover left to take a shower he gathered his clothes, which were strewn all over the living room floor. After dressing in his now slightly creased clothes, he slumped on the sofa, which gave an indignant squeak. He reached for the remote and turned on the television. He didn’t want to watch it; he just liked the background noise. He needn’t have worried though. Soon, James’ voice could be heard loud and clear over the shower as he belted out a rendition of Michael Jackson’s ‘Man in the Mirror’.

Unbeknownst to James, it was while he was in the shower that Matt made his decision. His decision to end it all.

Then Your Tears Won’t Bring Him Back.

Matt sat, hunched on the sofa, anxiously waiting James’ return. This was it – the end. He knew it was something he had to do; he just didn’t love James anymore. Even so, he was still complacent. He reminisced on the times they’d shared – the laughter, the tears, the love.  He shook his head, mentally berating himself. He’d gone over this a thousand times and each time he had come to the same conclusion – he had to end it. After all, wouldn’t it be crueller if he stayed with James, if he played along and pretended? Of course it would. Steeling himself for what was to come, Matt shouted up to his lover.

Shivering, James stepped out of the shower and onto the cold tiles of the bathroom floor. He reached out and retrieved a towel, hurriedly rubbing himself dry with it. Humming to himself, he crossed the landing to the bedroom he shared with Matt. That was when he heard him shouting.

“James? Could you come downstairs? I need to speak to you.”

“Okay, just a minute!”

James grinned; maybe Matt was up for another round. Realising he’d freeze if he went downstairs naked, he reluctantly went to the dresser. He pulled on a pair of shorts – the ones he usually wore for bed. As he turned to leave he noticed a creased t-shirt poking out from under the duvet. He immediately recognised it as Matt’s. He turned back and pulled it out from under the sheets and held it up to his nose. He breathed deeply; inhaling Matt’s deliciously individual and intoxicating scent. Taking another quick sniff, he pulled it over his head. God, he couldn’t get enough of that smell.

He could hear James fumbling around upstairs. What was he doing? The longer Matt waited, the more nervous he become. He started to get agitated; scared he’d loose his nerve. He was just about to shout James again when he heard him thundering down the stairs. He closed his eyes and gathered his thoughts. He knew it was going to be hard.  The door opened and he looked up. He felt a tug at his heart when he saw James; stood in the doorway, dressed in the t-shirt Matt had worn the day before.

James in the doorway, watching Matt look him up and down. He licked his lips and sat beside him on the sofa. Absentmindedly, he stroked lean against him, his head lolling into Matt’s chest, stroking his lover’s thigh.

“What did you want, baby?”

There were a few seconds of silence as Matt tried to compose himself, as he tried to find the words. But there’s no easy way of breaking someone’s heart.

“Jay, I need to speak to you.”

James pulled himself up and turned to face his boyfriend. He could tell by the look on Matt’s face it was something serious. In an attempt to reassure him, James reached out and took Matt’s hand in his own, his fingers gently caressing his wrist.

“What do you want to talk about Mattie? I hope you’re not leaving me for another man! Or is it a woman?”

Matt’s heart plummeted as James laughed at his own joke. He didn’t even realise how close to the truth he was. Tightening his grip on James’ hand, he continued.

“Jay, you now that things haven’t been good these past few months.”

“I know, but that doesn’t matter now. This afternoon I felt closer to you than I ever have before. Things are going to get better, don’t worry about it.”

“That isn’t what I’m trying to say Jay.”

“Then what are you trying to say? I don’t understand.”

“Well, I’ve been meaning to, I’ve wanted to tell you but…”

“Come on Matt, spit it out!”

“I don’t think we should be together anymore.”

The words came out of Matt’s mouth, yet he was sure that wasn’t what he had been trying to say. He didn’t mean to be so blunt or so harsh – he wanted he break it to him gently. He looked up at James and immediately wished he hadn’t.  His bottom lip was quivering and his eyes were brimming with unshed tears. Matt lowered his head, and waited for his now ex-boyfriend to recover.

“Matt… what?”

“Jay, I think it’d be for the best if we split up.”

“No Matt, please, think about this! I know we’ve had a hard time recently, but we can sort it out. All relationships have their ups and downs. I know we can survive this, Matt, please!”

“I’ve done nothing but think about it for the past month. I’m sorry James, I just don’t love you anymore.”

“Don’t call me that! I’m Jay, your Jay, and you love me!”

“This is hard for me, don’t make it any worse!”

“But you love me and…”

James broke off as the tears that had been dangerously close to falling began to spill over his cheeks. Harsh sobs wracked his body and he curled up, pulling his knees to his chest. He wanted to block it out, pretend it wasn’t happening. He wanted to pretend Matt still wanted him.

“Jay…”

Matt reached out and stroked the side of his face. He felt useless. What could he do? This was all his fault; he’d caused this. Seeing James in so much pain made his heart ache. For a fraction of a second he wished he could take it all back to stop James hurting but he pushed that thought aside. It was better this way, but he wasn’t even sure he was convinced anymore.

He desperately tried to stop the tears; he desperately tried to stop crying. He needed to pull himself together, to convince Matt that they were meant to be together.

“Matt, I know it might feel like you don’t love me, but you do, I know you do! I’ve felt the same way but it passes, it gets better. We need each other Matt; we were meant for each other. I can’t even think about being with another man. You, you were my…”

“Jay, please don’t do this.”

“No, I have to make you understand. Mattie, you were the first guy I ever slept with. I don’t want anyone else. I gave myself to you, and you gave yourself to me. You can’t leave me!”

Matt couldn’t bear it – he didn’t want to hear anymore. It was tearing him apart. He made to stand up, but James jumped up with him.

“Mattie, please, don’t do this to me. I need you, I can’t live without you!”

James was all too aware of how desperate he sounded. But that didn’t matter. He was willing to get on his knees and beg if it’d make Matt stay. Deep down, he knew this was the end, he knew it was over, but his heart, his heart refused to let go.

“Jay, I’m going to go and pack my stuff. I’ll take a bag and get my mum to pick up the rest tomorrow. Please don’t come after me.”

He couldn’t believe it was Matt, his Matt saying those things, how could the Matt he knew and loved be so cold and unfeeling? As suddenly as he’d started, he stopped crying. Anger was replacing the initial shock and despair. How dare Matt treat him like this? After all he’d done for him, after everything he’d done, he was just throwing it back in his face. There were plenty of times James felt like leaving. But he didn’t – he stuck with it for Matt. And now, at the first sign of trouble, Matt was running away. Before he could stop himself, he hit out. Over and over again he punched him, slapped him, pushed him, kicked him.

Matt was in the foetal position, his hands raised to protect his head. He hadn’t hit back; he’d taken it all. Well, it was his fault James was in this state. He was soon aware that he wasn’t being hit. He dared to look up and saw James running out of the lounge and up the stairs. As he sat up, he strained his ears, listening for any clues as to what James was doing. He needn’t have bothered. He heard a lot of banging and he was sure the wardrobe had been knocked over. Then he heard the window being opened, and the muffled thuds of unknown objects hitting the gravel drive outside.

“Goddamnit Jay!”

James threw the last of Matt’s clothes out of the window and watched them flutter to he ground.  He turned and loaded his arms with as many CD’s as he could carry. One by one they sailed though the air and James smiled as he heard Matt’s prized collection shatter on the drive below.

“Jay! What have you done? Look at my CD’s, they’re ruined!”

James heard Matt shouting and cursing outside and returned to the window. As he watched Matt search through his belongings, trying to find something that wasn’t broken he felt guilty. He quickly brushed this off. He had a right to be angry; Matt had ruined his life!

“Well, this is what you wanted Matt! You wanted to go and leave me so I’ve just saved you the packing!”

“Look at my bloody bass! It’s completely trashed!”

“Well you went and trashed my whole fucking life! You can fix the bass but you can’t fix my heart. You’ve broken me Mattie – this is all your fault. You’ll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do!”

Matt sighed dejectedly and started to load his belongings into the car. He glanced back at the window but James had already gone. As he drove away he wondered if he’d done the right thing. It was too late to go back. It had been his decision and if he’d messed it up he’d have to deal with the consequences.

James was lay on the bed, the bed he’d shared with Matt. The anger had left and now he was left feeling empty and alone. He realised he was still wearing Matt’s t-shirt. He wrapped his arms around himself, hoping he could pretend it was Matt. It didn’t work because he was gone. The scene that had happened barely an hour ago replayed in his head, again and again. The second time, he began to cry, each tear held a thousand wishes, wishes that Matt hadn’t left. But Matt had gone, and no amount of tears would ever bring him back.