Here With Me
I wake up. Sunlight is creeping under my eyelids and memories of last night are flashing through my mind…
[“So this is where you live, then?” You grin and look around my flat, hands in your pockets. “Pretty swish.”
“Ye—” I don’t have enough time to finish my sentence. Your lips are pressing against mine, and finally, finally we’re being what I had always hoped we would be.]
I sleepily open my eyes, mentally preparing myself for the sight of your beautiful face on the pillow next to mine.
I didn’t hear you leave
Only you’re not there. I must have slept deeply not to hear the floorboard creak. The front door click. The delicate crack of my heart breaking. I pinch myself, to make sure this isn’t a nightmare.
I wonder how am I still here
Ouch. It’s reality all right.
Finally, the penny drops. I should have guessed. It was just a one night stand for you. A one-off. Just like all the other girls. You don’t have the slightest idea how damn much I am in love with you. You don’t know that your image is the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning. You don’t notice how my breath quickens every time you talk to me. Why should you?
I hold my breath, trying not to move, not to disturb the shape you imprinted next to me that is the only proof I have you were ever here. If that goes, the whole of last night might have been a figment of my imagination.
I don’t wanna move a thing
It might change my memory
“Fuck this,” I mutter, angrily wiping away the scalding tears that have somehow appeared on my cheeks. Carefully placing the duvet to one side, I sit up and try to remember what all the self-help books have taught me.
I am what I am
Well, if you don’t like me like that, what does it matter? I like me. My friends like me.
I do what I want
So that’s why I’m getting dressed. Doing things for myself. I’m too tired to shower, I tell myself.
But I can’t hide
But I know that the reason I’m not showering is in case it washes away the faint scent of your aftershave that is tearing at my senses at the moment. Giving in to the pain, I sit simply on my bed and allow the sobs to happen. I can’t face the world at the moment.
I won’t go
I won’t sleep
I can’t breathe
Do you have any idea what you’re doing to me? Do you have the slightest clue what you are putting me through? It’s ludicrous I know, but suddenly I decide to stay exactly where I am until you return. I don’t know where from, but you’re going to come back, I tell myself.
Until you’re resting here with me
And I won’t leave
The curtains are open and everyone out on the street can see what a pathetic morsel of humanity I’ve become because of you, but I don’t care. I’m not getting up until you come back.
I can’t hide
The truth is, I can’t get up. I would, but there’s something wrong with my limbs. Then I realise. You are the one that’s kept me going all these years. Without you, I’m not me.
I cannot be
Until you’re resting here with me
I consider calling someone, a friend might knock some sense into me, and besides the phone is right beside me and I can just about muster the strength to punch in a few digits. My head tells me this is the right thing to do, the right way to go about things. But my heart tells me to stay, be silent, wait and have faith that you will come back.
I don’t wanna call my friends
For they might wake me from this dream
Was last night all a dream? Did I have one of those vivid dreams that binds itself to reality? A blonde hair lies on the pillow you slept on. Of course it wasn’t a dream. Where else would blonde hair come from? I tug miserably at my murky brown ponytail.
I can’t leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that has been
Gathering all my strength; I stand up, gasping slightly at the instant separation I feel from you. My fingers touch at my face. Cheeks, nose, lips. All places you stroked, kissed, caressed. Shakily, I recall the way you said my name last night. Like you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world apart from with me.
I am what I am
Confidence ebbs out of me like water through a sieve. I sit down again. You’ve probably told all your friends how ‘easy’ I am now. I’ve been used and thrown away, like a tattered old dishcloth.
I do what I want
And worst of all, it was my decision…
[“Are you sure about this?” Your face creases with worry as you hover above me, your breath harsh and jagged.]
I could have said no.
The bedroom door creaks slightly. I jump, and keep my back to it. Whoever it is can go away. I don’t want them to see me like this. After you.
But I can’t hide
“Elly?” I hear that gorgeous, husky voice of yours say. What? How is this? How can you still be here? I stay perfectly still, hoping that this dream, mirage, whatever it is won’t stop.
I won’t go
“Charlie?” I whisper, almost wanting it not to be you. I’ve worked myself up enough from the idea that you’ve used me and left me. Experimentally I turn my head and am shocked, as always, by your perfect features. Nothing could tear me away from you now.
I won’t sleep
“I made breakfast.” We exchange a shy smile as you produce a tray with two bowls of cereal and milk. You ignore the tear streaks down my cheeks; we both know you’re not any good at comforting people. You take three steps and finally you’re at the bed, filling the hollow you left. Like always, my breath catches in my throat. If only you knew it.
I can’t breathe
You relax into the routine action, spooning food first into your mouth, then, with a cheeky grin, into mine. Why does this feel so natural?
Until you’re resting here with me
“I thought you’d left.” Where did that come from? Why did I have to say that? Oh god, everything’s going to be ruined now, and it’s me that’s done the ruining.
I won’t leave
You don’t even have to say it. I can tell by your eyes and your smile and the throb of love conjoining your heart to mine. You nudge yourself closer to me and wrap a perfect arm around my undeserving waist.
I can’t hide
“Stay with me,” you say, helping yourself to sack fulls of my trust. My slight hesitation sees you cast your eyes down, ashamed at having let something so personal so loose.
I cannot be
Are we the same? Have we been feeling the same thing all along?
I lean into you and surrender myself with one word.
“Forever.”
Until you’re resting here with me