Forgotten feelings

“Jack stop playing with your sisters hair, I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate having cold porridge spread all over it” Clare shouted quite obviously annoyed that no one was listening to what she was saying. “What have I just said?” she screeched, now removing the dirty spoon from her son’s hand.
        “But…” He stuttered.
        Clearly ignoring the fact that her son was trying to get himself out of trouble; she began to place several made sandwiches into different coloured bags.

“Jack stop tormenting your sister and go and get your shoes” jumping off the chair he began to run towards the door, giggling away madly as he did so.
        After much persuasion and several minutes of struggling, Clare had successfully placed two pairs of shoes onto two pairs of little feet and as any mother who possesses small children would know, it’s a struggle.

        Crouching down so she become eye level, she slowly wiped away the endless tears producing from her sons’ cloudy eyes.
        “Don’t cry darling it will be fun, just think about the new friends you’re going to make, Mr bunny doesn’t like you upset” Clare smiled as she produced a small white bunny rabbit from her sons’ bag. “Now let’s wipe away those tears, so we can see a happy smile yeah?”
        He nodded clutching the white rabbit to his chest knowing too well that Mr Bunny could never bear to see him upset.

“As long as you have Mr Bunny I’m sure you’ll be alright” Clare smiled as she returned to her up right position. She handed over what seemed like a variety of luggage when actually it was a small little rucksack with Thomas the tank engine on. “Remember to be well behaved for your teachers, no being cheeky and if you feel that some children are being nasty tell the teacher straight away ok?”

Again he nodded obviously worrying about what was behind the green metal gates. “Chin up and take care of Mr Bunny he is nervous too” Clare smiled desperately wanting to take her son back to where he came from her home.

  “Mummy I don’t want to go!” He shook, not appreciating the fact that his mother was doing this in the first place.

“I know Hun, I know, but you want new friends and to play every hour of the day don’t you?” She reassured him rubbing his back.

“Yeah, But… what if I don’t like it can I come home?” He asked.

“I’m sure you’ll enjoy every minute of it, but if you don’t like it then get one of your teachers to ring daddy yeah?” She smiled, telling him strict instructions, which he needed to follow in case of an emergency.

He smiled again rather liking the idea of ringing his dad.

“Right so you have Mr Bunny?”
”Yep,” He nodded enthusiastically.
”Lunch box?”
“Yep” He now began to shuffle his feet.

“And mine and daddy’s numbers?”
      “Erm oops, it’s in my bag somewhere” Pulling a face which meant I did have it but not anymore, Clare laughed.
        “Ok well I’ve really got to go now, but remember what I’ve said yeah? And don’t worry I’m only a phone call away” she smiled.
        Walking away from his lifeline he trotted over towards one of his new teachers, obviously remembering that she was not the enemy.

Again for the second time that day she had to go through the ordeal of letting another one of her children enter what she hated, school.
        “As I said to your brother darling, you’ll be fine, you have mine and daddy’s numbers and I’m sure he wont mind picking you up if you don’t like it, and besides, it wont be every day this week”
        “I…. I don’t like it” Summer stuttered.

  “Neither did I, but please just do it for me yeah?”
        Her little head just nodded, she really wasn’t the one to disagree.
        “Go and see your friends, they look like they miss your company” Clare smiled as she saw a group of little girls ranged between the ages of about 4 and 5 looking over at the two.

“Love you,” She giggled as she began to move her tiny little legs, running towards the friends her mum had previously spoken about.

“DADDY” Summer screamed as she saw Matt walk towards her supporting the smile he always wore.
        “That’s me!” He giggled extending both of his arms so she could leap into them.
        “I missed you,” She told him honestly; although, they weren’t they words he wanted to hear.
        “I know Hun I’ve been busy, but we’ve got the whole weekend to catch up on what we’ve missed”

“Can we get Ice Cream?” She asked innocently, using what she had of her blue, angelic eyes.
        “If that’s what you want, but we’ll get your brother first” He promised whilst strapping her into her seat and walking back to the drivers side.

“Can I have vanilla with sprinkles?” She asked again, kicking both legs and looking out the window.
        “I don’t see why not, anyway how’s your mother?” Matt asked out of curiosity.

“She’s ok, she cries sometimes” Summer answered truthfully.

“Cause of me?”

“No, although she said she hated you and all the things you did to her, she cries about other things, but she says I’m too young to understand”

“Well you are 4 darling, maybe she’s tired with work or something, she does have too look after you and Jack”
        “Can’t you come back daddy, mummy does miss you she just doesn’t tell you”

“I can’t I’m not allowed” He answered with as much honestly as possible. The court case had concluded that Matt was only allowed to see the children at weekends or whenever Clare decided (which was very rarely).

“But why?” She asked being only 4 it was hard to understand what had happened. She was only 2 when they split.

“It’s hard to explain I just can’t”

“Is it cause me and Jack were always naughty?” She wondered, he began to feel guilty maybe she was blaming herself; maybe she thought she was the reason they split.
        “As I said darling its hard to explain, we’ll talk about it later yeah?”

“Ok” She smiled and again she fixed her gaze onto the trees outside.

“What the fuck am I going to do now? I have no job and two kids to look after,” She screamed almost smashing her favourite teapot.
        “Talk to Matt about it I’m sure he’d help you financially after all you are looking after his children” Tasha one of Clare’s close friends suggested.
        “Yeah cause that would work “O matt I know you don’t like me anymore, but could you lend me some money I’ve just lost me job” like that would work” Clare answered with sarcasm.

“Just talk to him”
        “Every conversation between him and me is never civilised it would just never work”
        “Well then I’ll talk to him, or maybe James could” A smile grew across Tasha’s face.
        “I don’t know, just leave it, I’ll sort it out”

“If that’s what you want” Tasha rolled her eyes, knowing too well that Clare would end up on her doorstep begging for help.
        “Yeah it is, please don’t look at me like, I’ll sort it, I’ll find a way” Clare smiled, whilst sitting down onto her sofa and clenching onto her cup of warm tea. “So how are you and James doing?”

“Hmmm”
        “O don’t you sound enthusiastic” Clare laughed practically drenching the carpet with tea.

“It’s actually going really well, we’re both really happy at the moment” She gleamed.

“Make me feel better why don’t you?” Clare laughed.

“I wasn’t trying to…I just…” Tasha stuttered trying to be apologetic.

“I know Hun, I’m joking with you”

Between what seemed like a general I love you hug, the sound of Clare’s doorbell could be heard.

“Great the kids are back” Clare rolled her eyes, just wanting a couple more hours that’s all she wanted.

“Missing them that much”

Clare laughed as she made her way towards her front door. As soon as she opened the door both kids barged in nearly causing Clare to loose balance.

“God Calm down”

“Sorry Mum” Both children apologised looking ever so angelic.

“It’s alright, just take your bags upstairs, I’ll be with you in a minute” She now turned to face matt who was waiting patiently on the doorstep. “Next Saturday ok with you?”

“Yeah, that’s fine” He smiled, he was actually getting another weekend.
“I see you’ve had it easy for yourself” Clare huffed looking at the posh car parked at the end of her driveway.
“Yeah, well looks like I’m not the only one” He retaliated looking passed her and at the décor inside.

“That’s only cause I have to look after two kids, more than I can say about you”

“Well I wasn’t the one who chose this option”

“And I wasn’t the one who wanted to get divorced in the first place, but no like always you got your own way”

“I do not!”
        “Yes you do and you always need to have the last word”

“I don’t!” He answered proving her point clearly.
        “See”
        “Daddy! Come see my new room” Summer shouted vigorously pulling onto his arm.

“I think daddy has to go now” Clare immediately jumped in, not wanting him in her house any longer.

“No actually I have plenty of time” He smiled, knowing to well what Clare was doing.

“I really think you should leave”

“Why? I’ve done nothing wrong, I have a right to see my kids” He stopped gaining a pissed off look on his face

“Only when I say so”
        “That’s just pathetic”

“Yeah well maybe it is, but it’s my decision and I wont you out”

“Fuck off I’m not leaving,” He shouted.
        “It’s my house”

Both could sense an argument brewing and from what other people in the house could see it wasn’t ending there.

“And I bought it” He spoke truthfully.

“Well I’m sorry, take it, take everything I own, it will obviously bring you the satisfaction”

“Satisfaction of what? I’m not going to take anything from you.”

“That’s a surprise”

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“Listen I’m not arguing with you,” She snapped, not in the mood for any arguments of any form.

“Well quite obviously you are trying to start something, now tell me what was that statement supposed to mean, because the way I see it I’ve taken nothing from you, in fact it’s you who’s taken from me, you got my house, and my kids, but I never complained once, and to be honest I don’t care where or who they are living with as long as they are safe and happy!” Matt told her, raising his voice slightly.

“Well they are happy… we are all happy, and we don’t need you in our lives, we can manage fine without you, as long as you’re not around to upset anyone, or piss me off we are all happier,” Clare screamed.

“Well quite blatantly you are not!” Matt yelled in response, feeling his blood boil.

“And you would know how?” Clare asked.

“Because Summer said you got upset, and I am worried, it’s been two years and you are still crying, I don’t know what problems you’ve got, but you are going to make yourself ill and I am worried about your health!” Matt calmed down, leaning on the doorframe, Clare felt herself welling up.

“I think you should go,” she shut the door on him and walked into the lounge, letting tears spill down her face, that’s when she realised Tasha was in the room, and was soon enveloped in a hug from her close friend.

        “Mummy, I can’t find Mr bunny” Jack squealed as he bounded into the living room.

         “Erm try under your bed, that’s normally where it is”

“No, I looked”

“Look in your Thomas bag, I think I put it in there ready for when you go to your dads” Clare explained as she fiddled with several old photo albums.

“Ok” He smiled and totted off.

Rummaging through various albums piled high, Clare was searching for some pictures, which the kids had requested. One teacher had asked for each pupil to bring in pictures of himself or herself when they were only young. Every photo in every album could be found in this pile including wedding photos. Although it was a subject everyone including Clare wanted to avoid, She still began to turn the pictures, looking back at the memories. She began to cry, tears dripping slowly as she turned each page. Looking back they both just looked happy together, everything seemed to going right, until that, that thing decided to destroy what they had. She reached the last page, obviously causing herself more torture.

This one had always been her favourite photo. An image of her and Matt in a passionate clinch on the dance floor of their reception, five years back. She couldn’t look at it anymore, so she slammed the album shut and picked up another album. Ahh perfect Summer blowing out her candles on her second birthday cake. Matt in the background, but that wouldn’t matter. As she went to flick through the album a brown envelope landed on the floor.

She picked it up, and saw in curly writing on the front was written “Matthew,” No one ever called Matt that.

She put her hand inside the unsealed envelope and pulled out a photo and a slip of paper. On the photo was Matt with his arm around some blonde haired blue-eyed tarty slutty woman. Clare scowled, as her heart filled with pain, she picked up the slip of paper.

Matthew, a little something for you to remember me by, love always Cleo xx.

Clare threw the paper across the room and stormed to the front door, which had just rung. She swung open the door and calmed instantly as summer and Jack were standing on the top step, Matt behind them.

“Err… hi guys, have you had a nice day with Daddy?” she smiled falsely, “If you go inside I’ll get you your dinner shortly, summer help jack with his trainers please… Matt… err do you have a few minutes I need to give you some things you left here; I’ve been going through some of our old stuff… I thought it was about time you had them back,”

“Err… well I don’t know, I don’t really,” he looked at the expression on her face and stepped inside, breathing in the smell of his old home.

“If you come upstairs it’s all in my room, just been going through documents, it’s mostly boring stuff… I thought I’d give you the wedding photo’s I don’t want them, you can chuck them if you want, I just didn’t want to do it in case you wanted them,” Clare explained, Matt thought it was quite weird behaviour for her.

“Are you ok?” he asked curiously.

“Yep fine, here,” she thrust the huge white album at him, “I believe this is yours too Matthew,” she placed the brown envelope on top of the white album, and he looked at it blankly, and then looked up at her.

“Is this what this is all about?” he asked, slightly pissed off.

“What?” Clare asked playing dumb.

“Clare it’s been two years… dump the damn wedding photo’s… and chuck this shit out,” he dropped the album on the floor and ripped the envelope in half, “Clare, I know I was a total wank to you, and maybe I don’t love you anymore, but I still care about you, please don’t do this to yourself,”

“I know it’s been two years Matt, I can count,” Clare screamed, “I just still can’t get around my head why… you didn’t seem like the type of person to do that to me… cheat with some worthless tart who signs her letters with lipstick… Matt… when I married you, you were a decent guy and when we had the kids, you’ve been a great dad, you still are they love you to bits, but I don’t know why you did it, had I done something so bad that you just wanted to hurt me huh? Look we were so happy,” Clare knelt down and took the photo from the wedding album of them on the dance floor, and held it to him.

“We’ve been through this… I don’t know!” Matt said in a crokey voice, Clare could tell he was getting worked up and upset, but that didn’t stop her.

“Then again Matt you wouldn’t care would you, cause it was always about you, like I’ve said so many times, it’ll all about you, everything always goes your way, you always have the last say, well not anymore, because I am trying to start a fresh and I need to get you and any trace of you ever being here out of my house! Because from what I can see you are a selfish, worthless bastard!” it was at this point Clare seemed to loose all sense of control in her body, and she lunged forward, pushing Matt hard in the chest, so he flew back, landing on the bed. He wasn’t hurt, but slightly shocked was more accurate.

Clare stood over him, watching as he blinked back tears, but gave up, letting them run down his face, sobbing uncontrollably.

“Aww… are those tears I see running down your face Matthew, not so tough now are we?” Clare said in a sarcastic tone.

“You fucking hurt me, not because of your pathetic push, but because of what you say. How dare you call me a worthless bastard! I’ve done everything for you and this kids, even if I felt I didn’t need too, but I did it cause I fucking care”

“You don’t care at all, as far as I’m concerned, I made the worst choice ever and that was getting involved with a fucking low life like you”

“I know you too well and that’s a lie, your only saying it cause your upset”

“You know nothing about me, I’ve changed, changed for the better” Again she screamed throwing a punch towards Matt, but missing miserably.

“Come on then hit me again. Lets see what real damage you can do.” Matt wiped away his tears and sat upright.
        “O don’t tempt me,” She laughed.
        “Well go on then, show what you got, you want to hurt me, so go on hit me” Showing that he wasn’t scared, he rose from his upright position and walked over towards her, towering her small frame with his.
        “You don’t scare me” stepping back she folded her arms.

“That wasn’t the plan”

“I’m not going to hit you I’ve already had the sweet satisfaction of making you cry, my job here is done. Now please do me a favour and leave” Extending her arm she pointed towards the door. 

“I think we need to talk”

“And I think you should leave” Clare repeated

“I hate to repeat myself, but I think we should talk, there’s something wrong with you and for once in these two years I’m actually worried about you.” He sighed and sat back down on the bed.

“There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m fine just tired, walking loads lately” She lied.

“Well why has Summer told me you cry? You can’t be crying over me, because you’ve told many people, including myself, that you hate me”

“Hate such a strong word, but at the moment it’s generally how I feel”

“Listen, I’m sorry I caused you this pain, but it happened and I’m sorry”

“Why are you suddenly being nice to me?” Clare wondered as she now sat down beside him.

“Caused I’m worried”

“There’s nothing to be worried about, I’m sick of repeating myself”

“Clare, I’m not stupid, I know exactly what’s been going on, Do you really think Tasha wouldn’t come and speak to me?”

“I told her not too!” Clare screamed obviously annoyed with her so-called best friends acceptance to not going to talk to her ex husband.

“Why didn’t you tell me? You know if you ever wanted money you only had to ask”

“As I said to Tasha, I couldn’t just ask for money, after all we never spoke and if we did it always ended up in an argument”

“It doesn’t matter your looking after my kids for Christ sake”

“I was going to sort it out, everything would have worked”

“I know what your like, your plans always back fire specially if they are money related. Just accept some money, its not as if I’ve got anything to spend it on”

“I don’t want your money”

“Accept it for the kids, for me!” Matt pressured, looking pleadingly into her eyes.

“I cannot accept your money, it would never be that simple Matt,” Clare told him firmly.

“But all you have to do it let me pay a couple of grand into your account and then you can pay me back when you can afford it,” Matt explained.

“Matt I don’t want your money ok!” Clare snapped, standing up.

“Please… for Summer and Jack!” Matt begged, grabbing onto her arm, her eyes fixed onto his hand, and she traced up his arm until she looked into his eyes. She could see sincerity there, something she recognised.

“Ok… ok yes, I’ll accept your money, but it doesn’t mean things will be any easier between us,” Clare told him, giving in, and feeling defeated and weak.

“Thank you!” he gasped, hugging her quickly, before realising that it was slightly inappropriate so pulled back and stood up, “Well… is five grand enough to start with and if you need anymore we can boost it up?”

“Yes that’s fine thank you Matt,” she sighed looking down.

“I’ll pay it into your bank first thing tomorrow morning,” He told her, standing up, just as the door slid open and summer trotted in, Jack wobbling behind her.

“Daddy… can I stay with you at the weekend, I haven’t for ages and you said that sometime I could!” She asked, running over to him, he picked her up and hugged her tightly.

“Well that’s up to your mum, but I think it’s only fair that Jack came too don’t you?”

“Yes… mummy can we, please… pretty please?” begged Summer as Matt put her down, she ran over to her mum, Jack bounced excitedly on the spot, and Matt waited in anticipation.

“I guess so…” Clare sighed, not really having much choice. Summer and Jack bounced around happily, until Clare ordered them to get to bed and she saw Matt to the front door.

“Well… night,” she muttered.

“Yeah night,”

“Oh… I guess I should say… thanks,” and before he got time to reply she shut the door and walked upstairs to get the children into bed.

“Mummy” Summer asked softly as Clare tucked her into bed.

“Yeah darling” She answered whilst placing the bedside lamp on.
        “Do you hate daddy?”

“No, I don’t”

“But why do you always argue?” She asked, wondering whether or not her mother and father would ever stop having arguments.

“I don’t know, just some things upset me. I’ll let you into a little secret, but you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone, not even Barbie” and she giggled slightly.

 “Promise on Barbie’s life” Summer smiled, excited that her mum was telling her secret.

“I still do actually love your daddy”

“Does he still love you?”

“No…no he doesn’t I’m sure he has someone better than me anyway”

“He made you unhappy didn’t he?”

“Well I can’t actually lie, he did yeah, but as long as I have you and Jack nothing else matters” She smiled, placing her daughters hair behind her ears.” “Anyway darling, I think someone is getting tired, Get some sleep yeah, you’re off to your daddy’s tomorrow” Clare explained as she stood up ready to leave.

“Love you always, even if daddy doesn’t anymore” Summer smiled as she turned over to sleep, pulling her pink bed spread over her small frame.

“And you” Clare smiled to herself as she turned off the bedroom light.


        “Summer, Jack; your dad is here” Clare hollered up the stairs. “Come in, you don’t need to stand on the doorstep” Clare smiled to Matt, obviously being nicer to him, after the money problem conversation.
        “Thanks” He smiled in return closing the door behind him, keeping the draft outside.

“So what’s so important? I never get the kids on a school day” Matt laughed.

“O nothing special”

“Nothing special? As I’ve said I never get the kids on a school day, I’m not responsible enough”

“If you must know, I’m going out”

“With a guy?” He questioned

“No a women” She laughed, although looking at the expression on Matt’s face he wasn’t impressed. “Yeah with a guy”

“Erm…Cool…What’s his name?”

“Bradley”

He began to laugh obviously thinking that name was camp. “Definitely does not sound good enough for my wife”
        “Well I’m not your wife and haven’t been for the past 2 years”

“Ready!” Both children screamed, there stood in the doorway was Jack and Summer holding bags and a couple of teddies.
        “Hey kids,” Matt grinned, ignoring Clare’s comment and giving each of his children a hug.

“Wow Bradley thanks for a lovely evening,” Clare sighed as the tall, dark haired Man walked her up the garden path to her front door,

        This was now their fifth date since she had first met him, and although Matt was incredibly jealous and hated the fact another man was in his Children’s lives he was happy to baby-sit, after all he hardly ever got that much time with them perhaps it was a good thing.

        “Well it’s always a pleasure to take such a lovely lady as yourself out,” Bradley answered. “And I’ve told you numerous times, call me Brad,”

        “Ok Brad… would you like to come in for a coffee?” she asked.

        “Are the children asleep… I get this feeling they don’t like me,” Clare looked down slightly; she knew it was true, but she ignored Summer when she said Bradley wasn’t a nice man.

        “They are at their dad’s tonight,” Clare smiled opening the door.

        “Ok,” Brad followed her inside and into the lounge.

        “Ok I’ll fetch a drink,”

        “No don’t,” Brad tugged her round and captured her in a kiss, she always liked to take it slow and this wasn’t what she wanted. She enjoyed the kiss no one could disagree, but at the moment she just wasn’t ready.

        “Brad no… I’m sorry,” she tried to pull away but he had a tight grip as he lowered her small frame onto the sofa and pinned her down, “Bradley let go,”

        “You’re mine now Clare.” He growled, tugging at her skirt and underwear so it came down, he was hard against her and she cried as he held her harder, she went to bite his hand but he belted her round the face just in time, knocking her out as he penetrated her before she was ready, painfully thrusting into her.

        He got up five minutes later, leaving Clare unconscious, with a purple bruise forming on the side of her face.

        “Ok… get yourselves in the bath,” Matt said to the children, they young kids ran into the bathroom, and clambered into the bathtub. Splashing around with ducks and any other toys that were dotted around; Matt began to laugh and started to wash his children.

        “Ow, that hurts” Summer yelped as her dad washed over her with a sponge.

        “You ok baby?” he asked, standing her up to see what damage had been done. Across her side there was a huge purple bruise and lots of smaller bruises on her wrists.

        “Summer… where did you get these from?” he asked, standing Jack up, and seeing pretty much the same result. Summer looked down and didn’t answer, she promised not to.

        “Jack?” he looked silently at his dad.

        “Right, get yourselves dry we are going to see your mum,” he helped them out of the bath and got them dried and dressed.

        Knocking at Clare’s front door he tapped his foot impatiently. Finally a worn out looking Clare answered the door. He was just about to push her inside and ask what she had been doing to his children, after all he knew what she got like when she was stressed out, when he noticed the massive bruise across her face.

        “Clare can we talk?”

        “I’m not in the mood,”

        “Well I am.” Matt stormed inside, sending the kids to play in the lounge, he walked her upstairs and she sat on the bed looking down, shaking all over.

        “My children are covered in bruises,” he said in a patronizing voice.

        “Kids will be kids… getting scraps and bruises all the time,” Clare answered timidly.

        “No… what happened to you? What is happening here?” Matt demanded an answer, Clare looked up, tears pouring down her face, “Look I’m sorry Clare, I’m just worried,” he sat next to her and went to pull her into a hug.

        “No,” she flinched away, crying softly.

        “Clare who did that to you?” he asked, gently touched the bruise on her face; she flinched under his touch, “What’s happened?”

        “Matt… take me back… please… don’t let anyone near me anymore,” Clare burst out suddenly, wrapping her arms round his waist and sobbing uncontrollably.

        “What? Clare tell me what’s happened,” he was beginning to get worried.

        “Bradley he… he… raped me,” she shuddered at the words.

        “Shit Clare… did he hit the children?” Clare shrugged. “Clare tell me did he hit my children?” Matt’s temper grew as he stood up, letting Clare sob on the bed, curling up and nodding slightly.

        “I’m going to fucking kill him, how fucking dare he lay a finger on you or my children!” Matt yelled, sitting down and pulling Clare onto his lap, stroking her hair comfortingly.

        “Don’t let him hurt me again please” She looked up at him, carefully looking into his brown eyes.
        “I wont, don’t worry” He tried to comfort her the best he could; after all she was shaking violently in his arms.

        “If you want me, I’ll just be in the other room ok? Nothing and no one can hurt you now” Matt smiled as he sat on the edge of Clare’s bed.
        “Thanks, sorry to ruin your weekend”

        “No you haven’t and stop saying sorry, nothing is your fault.”

        “Its habit”

        “Well stop it, I’m going to go now, but as I’ve said I’m just in the other room” He told her and walked towards the door, carefully checking if she had closed her eyes ready slowly shutting the door behind him he cringed, why did this man have to cause problems?

        He sighed to himself as he flopped down onto the bed, nothing for Clare ever seemed to be going right; he cheated on her and caused her trouble and now this, he couldn’t bare to see Clare and now even his children being hurt. He just sat there staring into the ceiling desperate to find all the answers to lives troubles.
        It was little after two in the morning and he gently turned onto his side noticing the bathroom door slam shut, Clare must have gone in there. He thought nothing of it and again turned onto his other side, wanting another an hour of sleep. The hour seemed to pass and all through it he heard the slight trickle of water, this never once stopping. He got up and made his way towards the bathroom.                   “Why aren’t you becoming clean?” He heard Clare scream, he was again worried, was she saying this to one of the children or just to herself?

        “Please, I’m sorry, just become clean” This time he heard her sob.

        “Clare?” He knocked onto the door quietly, not wanting to wake up the children. Silence.

        “Clare its me” Again nothing was said, just the mumbles about becoming clean. He at this moment could not care about what was behind the door, he needed to know what was up with her and he needed to know now! What he saw when he opened the door came to him like a hit in the stomach. She was there sitting on the floor of the shower and violently scrubbing herself, from the waist down. To anyone else it would seem pervert and dirty, but that’s where Bradley had made his mark and of course without her permission.
        “Your not working!” She screamed and flung the soap across the room, making it smash into Matt. “Why aren’t you cleaning me? Your not working!”

        Matt walked slowly over towards her and turned the shower off, causing her to look upwards wondering why the water was not dripping.

        “Clare your clean darling” He whispered as he bent down.

        “No I’m not, your wrong!” She was still scrubbing her body

        “There is nothing on you, he’s gone forever, he can’t touch you again”

        “I can smell him, he’s breathing on me, he is, and I’m not lying”

He leaned over towards the bath and clenched a towel; as much as he thought she was gorgeous he couldn’t bare to look at her anymore. He wrapped it around her and brought her small frame towards him, all this time she was still cleaning herself and struggling.

        “Calm down!”

        “Matt, please just let me wash, he’s here I can smell him”

Matt brought Clare to her feet and wrapped the towel around her even more, saving the indignity of showing off her body. She began to cry, obviously wanting the current situation to end.

        “Why me Matt? Why?” She sobbed into her hands, careful not to touch the bruises.
        “Don’t worry, everything is going to be alright.” These were the words he kept repeating, his mind was working in overdrive and he just generally didn’t know what to say.

The duvet cover fell to the floor and a rather tired Matt rose up from beneath it. The doorbell had woken him up from what seemed like a perfect nights sleep, although that was just a lie. He ran down the stairs careful not trip over one of the toys dotted around.

“What the fuck?” Tasha wondered as Matt stood there with just his boxers on.

“It’s not what it looks like, nothing happened,” He explained whilst rubbing his eyes.

“So, What does it look like?”

“If you come inside, I’ll explain” He shut the door behind them and pushed her into the living room.

“Come on then explain, why are you standing in your ex’s living room with just your boxes on?”

“I did say the night, but nothing happened”

“I’m confused”

“It’s hard for me to explain”

“Its hard for you to explain, what?” She paused “What’s happened Matt?” She asked concerned, the expression on Matt’s face wasn’t one of delight.

“Bradley…. He wasn’t what everyone expected him to be”

“What has he done? He was ok with Clare the other night”

“And you never wondered?” Matt raised his voice slightly.

“Wondered what? Matt I’m fucking confused”

“The bruises on both my kids and Clare, didn’t you ever wonder why all 3 had them?”

“Matt, for fuck sake, just tell me what’s happened?”

“She was raped Tasha, fucking raped” He practically screamed, sick of being nice, he just needed to be blunt.

“That’s not funny, you should lie about things, which affect other people, its just cause you’re jealous”

“TASHA! I would not fucking lie about anything like that, you know me well enough to know I wouldn’t. Ok so I might have made mistakes in the past, but I still care about her, I’m not a bastard”

“But why? When? WHERE?” She wondered, thoughts going through her mind about her best friend.

“I don’t know, but I know he did it here, I found a mans watch on the floor and I knew it wasn’t Jacks because well he can’t tell the time and besides he wouldn’t wear a £200 watch.”

“Is she ok?” Tasha asked as she sat down onto the sofa.
“Last night, she was crying in my arms and I generally did not know what to say to her. I’ve never been in this situation before. It scared me, she just sat there and shook”

        “You’re going to have to ring the police”

        “I’ve already tried that, she stopped from doing it”

        “But she has too, he’s fucking raped her” Tasha shouted, hating the fact that Clare always wanted to sort things out on her own.

        “Doesn’t she need a pill or something? I mean wont she get pregnant? Its not as if he planned it all is it?” Matt wondered.

        “Maybe, I don’t know, but at the moment that’s the least of our worries”

Clare stood in the doorway looking rather tired, plastered with bruises, which Tasha had never seen before.

        “Fuck Clare, why didn’t you tell me?” Tasha sighed as Clare took several steps towards her.

        “He told me not too” Clare answered honestly, she got mental images of Bradley holding her tightly swearing her not to tell anyone about his little mad outburst.

        “Clare please, just go to the police” Tasha desperately tried to look into her eyes, just begging her to do what everyone else wanted.

        “No, I can’t, I’m not going”

        “Why? You have nothing to lose, he will get sent down for what he deserves,” Tasha explained.

        “They’d treat me like some fucking sick patient, looking at me down below, testing me as if I were effected.”

        “So you’d rather die from some disease?” Again Tasha was so blunt with her reply.

        “He might not have one” Clare turned away and sat down furthest away from the two, it was just like another court inquisition.

        “Yes, Clare it’s a might, it’s a 50-50 chance. Just think what the kids would feel like if they lost they mum, Just think!”

Clare looked down.
 “Did he use a condom?” Matt asked the question he wanted to know for a while.
“I don’t know, I never actually noticed, he hit me before it”

“Well, that’s another issue, you could be pregnant” Matt sighed.

“What do you care?” She huffed, hating the fact that he was actually being useful.

“Don’t you dare say I don’t care, I was fucking worried about you last night, I fucking cried for you. When I saw you shaking on the bathroom floor, I didn’t know what to do, but I still stayed, I didn’t run away, I didn’t laugh, I helped you. I carried you in my arms, I hugged you like I used to do, the way I used to love you”

“So why did you sleep with Cleo? Why did you cheat on me?”

“This isn’t the time or place to say this, as I’ve said many a time before, I don’t know, I really don’t know”
        “You really don’t know what it feels like do you?” Clare turned her head and looked at Matt.

“Listen I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what? The fact that you cheated on me for a slut, the fact that when I was home looking after our kids, you were out fucking someone else.”

“We all make mistakes” He huffed, obviously annoyed with where this was going.

“And I must attract them. You really don’t understand what its like for me? One day I find out that my husband is cheating on me with some other women, who just happens to be younger than me? Then when you think you’ve met the man of your dreams he decides to rape you in your own home, not caring that he’s also beating up your children.”

“No I don’t understand how you feel, but you caused me pain too. You took me to court and you were the one that took away my children.”

“You still get to see them” Clare sneered

“Only when you feel like it”

“Listen I’m not sitting here for you two to make me feel any worse than I actually do, I’m going back to bed” Clare stood up, beginning to cry the tears she had left.

“We aren’t trying to make you feel worse, we are trying to help you.” Tasha explained as she saw the tears dripping from her friend’s eyes.

“If you go to the police, it will end problems. You don’t want to end up getting pregnant with his kid do you?” Matt lowered his voice and tried to be more caring.

“Well I had yours” Clare sniffed

“Because you wanted to, not because I told you too. Clare don’t say that having summer and Jack wasn’t what you wanted, we both wanted children and we both enjoyed it, I know that for a fact”

“You know fine well I enjoyed every minute of it and you know for a fact that when both Summer and Jack were born I was the happiest person alive, even if they do apply some complications”

“What do you expect they are little kids, they’re going be little menaces.”  Matt smiled at the thought of his children; no one could ever deny that he wasn’t a proud dad, because well he was.

“Will you both just let me make my mind up, I got myself into this mess, so I’ll get myself out of it. I don’t want to get pregnant, no, but I’m not killing it.”

“You want have to, if you go to the police and you are pregnant then it will be easier to forget, it wont be anything” Matt tried his luck one more time.

“Matt please, just let me sort it out myself” Clare sniffed for the last time and walked out the room and up towards her children’s bedrooms. Wanting to see if they were ok, if they weren’t affected in anyway, by the arguments. She quietly slid open the door of her daughters room and saw her happily playing with what seemed like one of her Barbie’s.

Next was Jacks; he too was playing, but this time not with a Barbie. He sat on the floor clutching various army men and began to make shooting noises with his mouth, then quickly chucking it across the room, obviously following in his father’s footsteps; a destructionist.

They had clearly understood that when mummy and daddy were shouting it was best to stay in your room and play and this is what they did. Never ask questions just play. Clare felt the sudden wave of guilt pass through her, for the past 2 years they had seen nothing but hate and bitterness. The fighting of there parents before and after the divorce and now the brutal beatings of Bradley, their mother’s new man. It wasn’t just her who was damaged by the situation it was her children and a brief moment she thought Matt as well. The words he dictated to her in the living room, the words she kept playing over and over in her head “I was fucking worried about you last night, I fucking cried for you.” It obviously meant he cared.

“I’m sorry” She cried into the draft and ran towards her bedroom, slamming her bedroom door afterwards.

        The door slamming obviously signaled that the children were allowed to leave the rooms, without getting involved in the domestic argument. They both gingerly stepped out of their rooms and ran down the stairs, obviously knowing that their mother was upstairs crying. When they both entered the living room, Matt was sat on the sofa with his head in his sweaty hands, not crying just thinking.

        “Matt” Tasha called as she saw both children stand quietly in the doorway.

        “Come here” He signaled to both and extended his arms.

When they both climbed onto his knees, he brought them close to his chest, being careful that he didn’t hurt them too much.

        “You know I love you don’t you” He whispered as he stroked each of their hair, too many emotions running around in his head.

        “Is Mummy ok?” Jack asked, not sure if this was a question he was allowed to ask.

        “No, she isn’t, but I’m sure if we all make her smile, the she will be” Matt answered as truthfully as possible, it wasn’t like he could tell them about their mother being raped, they just wouldn’t understand.

        “Is Bradley, coming today?” Summer wondered nervously. Normally Bradley came on a Saturday afternoon, beat them up and left, this was a thing she hated.

        “No Summer darling he isn’t, he and your mummy aren’t friends anymore.” Matt weakly smiled.

        “Just like you and mummy? You’re not friends anymore” Jack spoke bluntly.

        “We are friends now, even if we do argue” Matt smiled.

        “So you don’t hate each other anymore?”

        “Hate is such a strong word Summer, you don’t hate anything. You dislike it, not hate it and no I didn’t hate your mum and never will” Matt was right, you never actually hated anyone; it was more of a dislike.

        “I’m scared” Clare shook as she was sitting down on her sofa.

        “But at least you’re going, you’ll be fine, don’t worry nothing will go wrong I’m sure of it” Matt smiled as he gave Tasha his number, making sure she could contact them in any way.

        “I don’t want them looking at me though, I feel dirty as it is”

        “They’ll need to look though, disgusting as it sounds, but as I said before, he could have done something to you” Matt explained.

        “Clare, seriously don’t worry, I don’t know what you’re going through, but don’t worry.” Tasha smiled.

        “Anyway we really should be going, Tasha if anything is wrong with the kids you have both own numbers” Matt spoke with so much concern in his voice. He placed on his jacket and collected the keys of the kitchen table.

        “Right then” Clare stood up and hugged Tasha with all her might, she knew something was going to happen not matter how small it was and just hoped there was a way to solve it.

        They both left leaving the kids and Tasha standing on the doorstep waving happily, the kids don’t know what was happening and that was obviously going to stay that way.
        “Matt…” Clare whispered softly as he started the car.

        “Yeah”

        “What if I’m pregnant would you help me?” Well it wasn’t like she could ask someone else.

        “If you need me, I will” He placed his hand on her knee, but brought it back suddenly remembering that he could not be that affectionate.

        “Promise?” She looked into his eyes, at this moment he was the only person she felt she could riley on, don’t get her wrong Tasha was a brilliant friend, but Matt well he was her best friend, even if he didn’t know this.

        “I promise, with all my heart, I will help raise the baby if your are pregnant, but if you’re not, then maybe we could still remain friends.”

        “I’d like that” Clare smiled as she saw the honesty in his eyes.

        “Could you explain to us exactly what happened?” The female police officer asked as Clare sat down.

        “I don’t know how to explain it, he was just kissing me and at first I liked it, but he just got rougher, grabbing my arms and pinning down to the sofa. I tried to stop him, I was kicking and punching begging him to stop, but he didn’t, he hit me” and Clare removed the hair from her face and displayed the bruises. At this point two officers were writing down several notes and talking into the tape player.

        “I don’t remember anything after that” Clare explained.

        “Would you say he was a violent man? Did he hurt anyone other than you?”

        “I wouldn’t say I believed it at first, but yeah he was, if he was angry or something little annoyed him, he hit me and my children.” She now began to cry anything she said, felt like another hit Bradley gave her. She just felt so scared.

        “Its alright darling, tell me the rest when you are ready” The police women smiled and handed over a clean tissue.

        “I never did anything to hurt him, it wasn’t like he had a reason too, he just hit me. Like one time we were just sitting in my living room and my daughter asked if she could go to the park and Bradley refused, so she began to cry and he just hit her, it wasn’t a small slap it was generally a massive punch, like he was hitting another man”

        “Did anyone else know about his violent attitudes to you and your children?”

        “No, not until the other day”

        “In this relationship, had you had sex before or was the rape the only time you two had sexual intercourse so to speak?”

        “We had sex before this yeah, but saying that when we did it was always when he wanted it” Clare told them truthfully, even if she didn’t like the questions they were asking.

        “Are you suffering from uncomfortable feelings? For example when you pass urine or have sexually intercourse does it hurt?”

        “Well, I haven’t had sex with anyone after the incident, and sometimes it hurts when I sit in certain positions yeah”

        “Its not compulsory but its advisory that you visit your local hospital, to make sure that everything is working the way it should be. It could be that when he entered you the force used could have caused damage to your vagina and other elements linked to the female anatomy. The other female officer explained.

        “Is everything ok? Are you alright?” Matt asked straight away as he saw Clare exit the police station.

        “I guess” She still had tearstains on her cheeks and it was obvious from her red eyes that she had been crying.

        “What did they say?” He wondered, after all he knew nothing.

        “Just that they would advise me to go to hospital to make sure nothing is wrong and I’m guessing to see if I’m pregnant or not”

        “You want me to come with you?” Matt was tremendously worried at this point, and he didn’t want to see her on her own.

        “No, I’ll be ok. Besides, I’m sure Tasha, is bored with the children” Clare giggled her first giggle of that day, and it brought a smile to Matt’s face.

        “Tasha will be fine with the kids… I insist on taking you,” Matt said as she climbed into his car.

        “Thank you,” she blushed slightly, as she drove towards the hospital where the police had settled her appointment as an emergency.

        “So… other than that… did everything go ok?”

        “Yeah… I spose…” Clare sighed, “It seems weird being alone with you… again… if you get me?”

        “Yeah I get you,” Matt smiled slightly, keeping his eyes on the road.

        “I mean… it’s been practically two years since we were last on civil terms,” Clare babbled on.

        “Clare… can we put all that in the past and concentrate on the present and the future?” Matt asked quickly, trying to avoid the subject.

        “We’re here anyway,” Clare sighed, getting out of the parked car. She walked swiftly ahead into the reception where she asked where to go. Matt ran to catch up, but by the time he got there she had already been sent straight through to her appointment.

        Matt waited impatiently in the waiting room, watching several women walk in and out of their appointment rooms, hugging men, some women on their own giving Matt weird looks as he huffed slightly, and repeatedly checked his watch.

        As much as he tried to act as if he didn’t care, he was worried sick, what if something was really wrong, or she was pregnant. The child wouldn’t be his, but would he be able to love it as if it was, or would it always be second best compared to his own children. Well he’d just have to cross that bridge when he came to it.

        “Ok Clare, this instrument here is a speculum, it holds open the entrance to the vagina, whilst I take a look to see what I can, your urine and blood tests are being examined at this moment so we can let you know the results as soon as possible, meanwhile I would like to take a few biopsies and tests to see if there has been any damage caused,”

        “Ok,” Clare nodded in reply to the female doctor who stood awkwardly at the end of the bed, while she lay there, naked from the waist down with a blue sheet over her legs.

        Clare resisted the temptation to squirm as the uncomfortable instrument was placed correctly. It seemed somewhat painful as the doctor probed away; oblivious to the flinching Clare was experiencing every now and then.

        “Ok Clare,” the doctor began as her examination was over and her results were returned, “You are thankfully not pregnant, and you have not been transferred a Sexually transmitted infection,” Clare let out a sigh of relief, but then she looked at the doctor and could see a but on her lips.

        “But…”

        “But… you have a small tear in your cervix, this can prove to be very painful, and all we can say is to take pain killers and rest as much as you can and it will heal its self, until then, no strenuous exercise and definitely no sexually intercourse, but I should imagine that is the last thing on your mind right now,”

        “Ok… yeah… thank you,” Clare stood up and the doctor followed her out, she looked at her watch and noticed she had been at the hospital for over three hours, she entered the waiting room to see Matt asleep on a chair, the rest of the place was empty.

        “Matthew?” Clare sat next to him and shook him gently, “We can go,”

        “Wha?” Matt murmured, blinking his eyes open.

        “We can go,”

        “Oh… good… what did they say?” Matt woke himself up a bit.

        “I’m not pregnant, no STI’s… just a small tear in my cervix, and nothing untreatable can we go now… I really don’t like this place,”

        “That’s great… well… that means lots of rest for you, you’re not leaving the house,”

        “Ok,” she nodded, as they made their way to the car, “What about the children,”

        “Well… I’ll stay for a little while, just until you are better, and then I’ll get out of your hair,”

        “Ok… yeah,” Clare looked down, as Matt put the key in the ignition and the engine roared to life.

        What if she didn’t want him out of her hair, What if she just wanted him to stay? The days he’d stayed made her feel safe and wanted, not because of the situation, but because she still loved him. (Although this wasn’t a thing she often admitted.)

        “I need to tell you something,” Clare suddenly blurted out; she’d be honest all day and thought this may as well carry on.

        “Go on, I’m all ears” He turned his head briefly and smiled, still keeping a fixed eye onto the road.

        “I don’t know how to say this but…”

        “But what?”

        “I really do…” At this moment in time she was stuttering. His eyes signaled for her to carry on, but from what he could see it wasn’t working. She was going to admit to him, about how she still had feelings, but just couldn’t.

        “I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for me,” She finally breathed. She couldn’t tell him the truth.

        “I couldn’t just leave you on your own”

        “Personally, I don’t see why you should help me, I’ve been such a bitch to you, yet you still have the courtesy to look aft me” The guilt was evident in her voice.

        “I don’t know what it is, I just care about you that’s all” He smiled and pulled in into her driveway.

        “Why are you doing this though? There has to be a reason”

        “If you would prefer me to leave you alone, then I will.” Matt bargained.

Matt placed all his belongings into the boot of his car and slammed it down, just to prove his exit. Deep down inside he knew he didn’t want to leave, but he just felt that he’d out welcomed his stay. Summer stood in the doorway holding onto her now dirty teddy bear, whilst she sobbed quietly.

“Daddy, don’t go” She sniffed.

“I have to darling, I’ve got to go back to my house”

“But, this it your house, I don’t want you to leave” She began to cry heavily.

        Matt crouched down so he was level with Summers height and place his hands onto her shoulders.

        “Why don’t you come back with me for a few days, we can go and see grandma, go the park, swimming, anything you want to do we can do it” He smiled as she brought her head close to his chest.

        “But, what about mummy, can she come too?”

        “No, she’s a bit poorly at the moment” He told her the truth; just didn’t tell her what was exactly wrong with her.

        “Did the doctor give her medicine?”

        Matt laughed silently to himself, the cute comments she made always made him smile, she always cared about her mum, nothing else mattered to her.

        “Yeah, he did” Matt smiled and wiped the tears away from her eyes.

        “I don’t want to leave mummy, she’s poorly”

        “Well, why don’t you stay and look after her? She needs a special princess to look after her”

        “I want you to stay” She shouted abruptly and clung onto him tightly.

        “I cant darling, I’m sure your mum is sick of me anyway”

        “No, she wants you to say! You can look after her and be her doctor” And she smiled obviously thinking she had come up with a great suggestion.

        “You really want me to stay don’t you?” Matt looked into the little girls eyes and sighed.

        “And Jack does!” She smiled innocently.

        “Well, I suppose I could stay one more night, but after tomorrow I’ve got to go home, ok?” He made a bargain and picked Summer up into his arms.

        “Yeah” Whilst in Matt’s arms she giggled all the way until they reached the living room, were she was then told to be quiet.

        “You feeling any better?” Matt asked as he held Summer tightly in his arms.

        “Not really, but I’ll survive! Anyway, I thought you were leaving?” Clare muttered as she successfully turned onto her side.

        “I was, but Summer and Jack wouldn’t let me go, so I’m going tomorrow instead”

        “Ok, you do know your welcome whenever you want” Clare smiled and placed a hand on her stomach as she again tried to move.

        “You still hurting?” Matt asked, after all Clare had just said he was welcome into her home whenever he felt like it.

        She just nodded and attempted a smile. Matt couldn’t help, but feel sorry for her.

        “Are you sure I’m allowed to take them out?” Matt asked as he strapped Summer and Jack into their car seats.

        “Matt, Just go and have a good time. It will give me time to sleep” Clare signaled for him to leave and laughed.

        “Seriously though, your still in pain. Are you sure its alright for me to go?”

        “Fuck sake, just piss off! If anything goes wrong, which I’m sure it wont I’ll ring Tasha and besides she’ll be popping round later I’m sure of it.” Clare smiled and stood in the doorway, cuddling up in her dressing gown.  She watched them leave, waving madly at the kids and smiling sympathetically at Matt.  She made her way back inside and curled up nice and tightly on the sofa. The sound of the TV could be heard, she felt in heaven, all peaceful and calm. She was just about to fall asleep when she heard the doorbell rang. She automatically guessed it would be Matt and the kids arriving back, but when she arrived, she was surprised to see this women standing there instead.
        “You must be Clare?” The women smiled.

        “Yeah and you are?”
        “I see we have a bad memory. Matt told me you’d recently found a picture, perhaps you’d like to see?” The women handed the picture to Clare and when she saw what was on it, she immediately knew whom she was speaking to.

        “I have no reason to speak to you Cleo, so why have you ended up on my doorstep?” Clare wondered as she thrust the picture back into the unwanted visitors hands.
        “You’ve been spending too much time with Matt and I don’t like it”

Before Clare could answer she was pushed out of the way.

        “Is he here now?” Cleo shouted as she worked round every room on the bottom floor.

        “No he’s not. If you hadn’t noticed Matt doesn’t live with me and hasn’t for the past 2 years” Clare shouted.

        “Well then, why the fuck did he say he was here the other week?” Cleo forced Clare to the sofa.

        “Because he came to see his kids” Clare put so much emphasis on the word kids.

        “I don’t like your tone” Cleo was always the one to get revenge even if there was no real need to. She grabbed Clare be the scruff of her pajamas and threw her to the ground.

        “What the fuck do you think your doing?” Clare rose from the floor and began to push Cleo towards the door. Clare at this point in time was in tremendous pain, she’d been told not to do strenuous exercise and this is what she had done. She didn’t know what a tear in the cervix felt like when it was getting worse, but from the pain she was in she could tell it wasn’t good.

        “Please I just want you to leave” Clare asked politely and gripped onto her stomach. From the looks of it Cleo, wasn’t going to leave and she wants going to leave anytime soon.

        “I’m not leaving until you tell me where Matt is” Cleo screamed with anger and pushed Clare against the wall.

        “He’s out”

        “Where? Just answer my questions”

        “I aint telling you, now please leave or I’m going to ring the police” Clare threatened Cleo as she picked up her phone.

        “Fine! But if I find out that he’s here again, there will be serious consequences.”

        “Well, from what I know, he doesn’t belong to you and if he wants to come here, then he’s welcome”

        Cleo shot Clare and evil look and slammed her door on the way out.

As Clare moved into the living room she began to cry, obviously hurting from the little confrontation with Cleo. Both of her hands with placed onto her stomach, carefully rubbing the pain, which she felt. She sat on the sofa and cried in pain, just wanting someone to tell her everything would be ok. She knew Tasha would be around sometime soon, but she just didn’t know when.

“Tasha, Where are you?” Clare cried.

Every time she moved the pain would worsen, nothing she did could ease the pain. Her stomach wasn’t the only pain she was feeling. Seeing Cleo again made her remember why Matt left her In the first place. She said she was strong, but she knew fine well, that when it came down to this she wasn’t.  Matt had obliviously been seeing Cleo, otherwise she wouldn’t have turned up, but she could have sworn he told her, there was nothing going on. Although, as per usual he was just lying.

The doorbell began to ring and kept doing so until Clare reached it.

“Alrite Darling?” Tasha beamed until she saw the state Clare was in. “What the fuck happened to you?”

        Clare didn’t answer she just cried and signaled for help.

        “Clare what’s up?” Tasha again asked worriedly.

        “My stomach, Tasha it really hurts”

        “What’s wrong with it? What did you do? Clare?”

        “Nothing, just please take me to the hospital, somewhere, anywhere”

        “Can’t you just take pain killers? I’m scared of hospital mate” Tasha was holding onto her best friends hands and rubbing her back reassuringly.

        “No, because I’m fucking bleeding! Tasha please”

        “I…What if…Fine! Ill take you, but if I have to leave, please don’t hate me” Tasha rose from the sofa and stumbled for her car keys.

        “I wont, but please Just take me” Tasha carefully helped Clare off the sofa and into the car.

        “Are you going to tell me why this happened or am I just left guessing?”

        “Keep you guessing!”  She screamed again, hurting more than she did before.

        “Clare I’m fucking worried, what the fuck happened? It couldn’t have just happened on its own, you were fine the other day” Tasha took great care to look at the road, whilst taking care of her friend.

        “There’s nothing to know”

        “Clare we’re back” Matt shouted as he dropped his keys onto the side. No one answered so he assumed she was asleep. After looking around the places he thought she would be, he began to get worried. She was told not to leave the house and she had. Tasha obviously hadn’t left the note in an easy place to find.

        “Clare, this isn’t funny, where are you?” He again called.

        He walked into the kitchen and noticed the neatly written note placed near the kettle.

        “Matt, Gone to hospital, don’t panic. Clare should be ok. Love Tasha”

        “I knew I shouldn’t have left her alone” Matt cursed.

        “Daddy, where’s mummy?” Jack asked and Summer immediately cooed after him.

        “Erm, She’s at Auntie Tashas, she told me to tell you that the doctor made her feel better and she loves u both.”

        Both kids giggled.

        “Listen, Do you both wanna go and see Uncle Darren? Daddy needs to go and do something important”

        They both agreed and of course this is where they went, even though Matt surprisingly ended up at the hospital. He just couldn’t sound upset or worried around the kids, because they would nothing something was up.

Clare had been treated and was told that she would be scheduled for an operation in a few hours, she wasn’t speaking and this was agitating Tasha.

        “Clare, I’m going it seems to me you don’t want me here and I’m scared as it is. You wont let me help, so I’m leaving” She told her bluntly and rose to leave.

        “No” Was all the reply she got.

        “You wont tell me what’s wrong, you’ve been treated so I don’t see why I have to stay”

        “I’m scared” All Clare’s answers were short.

        “So am I, but Clare I’m worried and you aint saying anything.” Tasha had been crying and that was evident by the tearstains on her cheeks.

        “Cleo”

        Tasha knew exactly what she meant when that name was mentioned and sat down on Clare’s hospital bed.

        “What did she do darling?” Tasha cupped her friend’s hands into hers and smiled some sympathy.

        “She just kept pushing and threatening me, it’s all over Matt again. I don’t know why I ever forgive him, he just causes me pain”

                “Maybe its not his fault” Tasha smiled.

        “She told me he’d been to speak to her and he gave her the picture, the picture I gave him.  I hate him Tasha really I do.” Clare began to cry and Tasha really didn’t know what to say. She placed Clare’s head on her chest and rubbed her back reassuringly.  She also whispered to her that everything was going to be ok.

“Erm I don’t know, I was told she was brought into here” Matt told the receptionist.

“Well, could you at least tell us her name” The dumb brunette asked.

“Clare, Clare Willis, no I mean…Stuarts, Yeah Clare Stuarts” He rushed.

“She’s in the gynaecology department, Can I ask what relation you are to her please?”

“I’m her boyfriend” He didn’t have time to think and he thought it was best to say that.

“She’s in room 11, follow the blue doors and it’s on the left” The receptionist smiled and pointed in the direction, which he was to go.

“Thanks” He turned to the direction he was told to go and power walked down the corridors.

“Room 11” He smiled and pushed the door open. When he made his way inside, Clare wasn’t there only a crying Tasha. She saw him and immediately began to get angry.

“She doesn’t want to see you, she’s told me pretty clearly” Tasha sniffed in between sobs.

“What’s with her is she ok?” He wondered and ignored the petty little comment.

“No she’s not ok, that’s why she has spent the past hour in theatre Matt and it seems to me that’s it all your fault, again”

“How can it be my fault, I wasn’t there!”

“Well, if you must know your stupid bitch of a girlfriend if that’s what you want to call a whore like her came and visited today, decided that she would push Clare around a bit, o yeah and Clare was told that you made a visit to Cleo’s the other day, gave her the picture that Clare despised, care to fill me in on what’s been going on?” Tasha sneered and wiped her eyes.

“There’s nothing going on, I gave her the picture that’s all, nothing happened.”

“She hates you, you know” Tasha spoke to him and looked him directly in the eyes.

“She doesn’t…She”

Tasha cut Matt off and rose from the bed that Clare should be in and began to scream.
“Yes she fucking does!  She told me, whilst looking me straight in the eye, why do you always cause her pain? Matt you should have seen her face when she was sitting on that sofa, she was trying to keep a straight face, but eventually burst out crying. You know how you told me that just after she was raped she shook in your arms and you just wanted everything to be ok for her? Well that’s exactly how I felt, worried that I couldn’t do anything, worried that I was going to lose my best friend. You may as well just leave, leave for good, because you just hurt her. If it weren’t you for she’d be happy. She’s such a lovely person and she doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.”

        “Tasha, please you don’t mean that” Matt actually felt like shit at the moment.

        For some strange reason, Tasha actually began to laugh, laugh at the stupid comment, which arrived out of Matt’s mouth.

        “Of course I mean it!”

Nothing happened for the next few minutes that passed, no one moved and the quiet in the room was not that of peace.  Tasha was hoping that the tedium would soon pass and the silence from Matt was because he had listened to her words and that they were rolling around his head.  She urged her words to bite at him, flip around his stomach, spin in his mind the way her feelings about his behaviour towards her friend did to her.  But he just stared.  Just stared back at her, not moving.  Neither moved and Tasha didn’t want to move but she felt herself sink to the bed, her body not obeying her brain or her heart.  All these conflicting feelings running through her, her body not obeying her brain and both of those betraying her heart.   Still Matt didn’t move.  The next time Tasha forced herself to look at this man in front of her he was sat in the chair in the corner of the room, just below the window, blocking Tasha’s view of the corridor.  She had been watching, waiting for Clare to return.

        The door of the room began to open and in came Clare looking rather tired and in pain. Tubes were placed into the skin on her hand and a shiny white plaster was placed on top. Her hands were neatly placed on her stomach and they were placed there for an act of protection. She did not want any more doctors or nurse prodding and touching her stomach, even if they were trying to make her better. Both Matt and Tasha jumped out of the thoughts they were thinking and rushed over towards her.

        “I think its best if you just let her sleep for a bit ok?” The nurse looked at both Tasha and Matt.

        “Is she ok?” Tasha asked, just before Matt could ask anything.

        “She’s fine, everything went well, but she’s going to be in tremendous pain, so the less you fuss over her the better.” The nurse smiled, checked all the equipment and left.

        “You ok darling?” Tasha asked and wiped the hair dangling away from her eyes.

        She just mumbled, then noticed Matt standing there

        “What’s he doing here?” Again the answer was mumbled.

        “I wrote a note I thought he better know, but that was before I knew what happened”

        “My kids”

        Both Tasha and Matt knew what she meant and this time Tasha let him speak.

        “They’re at my brothers, they are both fine so don’t worry” He sympathetically smiled and it broke Clare’s heart.  How could she say that she hated him, because she didn’t, she actually loved him.

        “You look shattered, why don’t you get some sleep?” Tasha smiled as she noticed the blank and tired expression on Clare’s Face. Clare signalled an agreement by nodding her weary head and closed her eyes, her hands still protecting her stomach. When Clare had finally gone to sleep, Tasha immediately began the questioning.

        “Look what you caused Matt” She turned to the sleeping Clare and pointed.

        “Tasha for the second time, I didn’t do anything! Personally I think you should be thanking me, if it weren’t for me then maybe she wouldn’t have accepted that there was something wrong in the first place” He hissed at her and sat back down on the chair he was previously in.

        “If you hadn’t of cheated on her, she wouldn’t have been raped, she would have still been with you.”

        “I couldn’t help the way I felt, I’m sorry I cheated on her, but I wasn’t happy, I just wasn’t” He placed one hand onto his head and began to rub his brow.

        “You weren’t happy?” Tasha turned her head and bit her tongue, then continued. “She did everything for you, she still would! It would have been a lot easier if you two hadn’t have had kids, she wouldn’t still need to see you”

        “At that time, I was happy, I loved her; I don’t know what drove me to Cleo, but it did”

        “Matt, you ruined her life right from the beginning, everything she did for you, you took and if you didn’t like it you’d throw it back right in her face. Was it because she never had sex with you all the time? Or was it the fact that you just wanted her money?”

        “It was non of that! I truly loved her with all my heart, hence why I married her, but I don’t love her anymore, I only care about her”

Tasha couldn’t believe what he was saying.

        Through all of this bickering Clare could hear exactly what each person was saying and when Matt had said “I only care about her” killed her. Throughout all the time she had spent with him, she could have sworn there was something there, something wanting them to get back together, but again obviously not. Clare’s stomach must have felt what she was feeling and at this point in time began to throb. Probably meaning that the painkillers were wearing off, or was it the fact that the man she loved said he didn’t love her back? She couldn’t tell. She let out a painful scream and held onto her stomach.

        “Tasha” Clare screamed and began to curl up into a ball.

        “Its alright darling, don’t panic” That was the only words that Tasha could think of.

        “It hurts” Clare cried.

        “We’ll just get someone to give you pain killers yeah?” Tasha faked a smile.

        Tasha ran as much as she could to the nurse and explained the situation. Both came running back in and the nurse let out a reassuring smile, she knew the painkillers had worn off and was relieved to know that it wasn’t anything drastic.

        “Clare can you lie straight for me Hun” the nurse placed a hand on her shoulder; Clare reluctantly stretched out her body and moved onto her back. The nurse gently placed the needle full of painkillers into her arm and kept whispering “its ok” and “nearly done now” to Clare.

        Clare couldn’t help but cry, all through this time of being in hospital, she felt like everyone had been kicking her down and Matt had been the one to have the final push, leaving her in the current situation she was in.

        “What do you mean you’ve lost Summer and Jack?” Tasha screamed as Matt pulled her to one side.

        “Well, Darren took them somewhere and turn away for a minute, then next thing they weren’t there. “ He whispered.

        “Shouldn’t you be looking for them?” Tasha began to get madder.

        “I just came here to tell you that you can’t tell Clare, I don’t want her to know what a irresponsible person I am, she would stop me from seeing them”

        “Matt you’ve just lost the most important things in her life, you have to tell her”

        “Tasha, believe me I know, but you cant tell her please don’t” Matt was literally begging on the floor, pleading her not to tell Clare. As much as Tasha hated Matt, she sighed and agreed.

        “I wont say anything, but if you don’t find them by tomorrow or even tonight, I wont you to tell her personally.”

        “Its all right you’ve already told me” Both Matt and Tasha turned to see Clare stood there.

        “You’re meant to be in bed,” Tasha shouted.

        “I’ve only had an operation on my stomach, strangely enough it doesn’t affect the way I walk”

        “I’m sorry” Matt said immediately.

        “I wanna come with you to find them” Clare spoke and moved closely to Tasha and Matt.

        “You cant, as much as I know you want to you just cant”

        “I feel much better now, if you’ve lost my kids I have a right to come and find them with you” Clare argued.

        “Number one I didn’t lose the kids and number 2 you aren’t better that’s why you are still here, Clare you’re not coming”

        Clare couldn’t be bothered to argue and so made her way back to bed, where she had spent the past couple of days.

        Matt signalled to Tasha and left.

        “You alright?” Tasha asked Clare who was no lying down looking up at the ceiling.

        “Fucking marvellous”

        “There’s no need to be like that”

Clare rose from her lying position and looked at Tasha.

        “My kids are missing”

        “I know, but Matt will find them he knows how much they mean to you”

        “If he did, then why the fuck did he give them to his dick head of a brother?”

        “Maybe because he was worried about you”

        “I couldn’t give a toss about if he’s worried about me or not, I hate him and always well. When he finds my kids I’m going to go back to court, so he can stay out of me life for ever”

        “Clare, as much as I hate him you can’t do that”

        “I can and I will, the sooner that thing is out of my live the better”

        Tasha sat down on Clare’s bed and sighed

        “Are you sure this is what you want to do?”

        “Yes, yes it is”

        “SUMMER, JACK!” Matt screamed, showing the tonsils in the back of the throat.

        “Sorry” Both kids said in unison and clutched onto Matt with all their might.

“Never do that again ok? Me and mummy were very worried” Matt breathed with a sigh of relief and again clutched them both, not wanting to let them go again. Again both apologised.

“Where have you been?” Matt asked them both.

“We didn’t mean too” They never actually said where they had been and Matt wasn’t going to pride it out of them.

“Just promise you wont do it again?” Matt was breathing so much heavier that he had previously, he was just so scared that Bradley had taken them and refused to give them back. At this moment of time he could have killed his brother, but knew deep down inside that he wouldn’t lose the most important things in Matt and Clare’s life. He wasn’t that stupid.

“Promise”

“I think we better go see mummy yeah? But she’s still poorly so I want no arguing okay?”

“We wont” Both kids smiled, just happy to back with their dad and now going to see their mum.

“Can we go see her now?” Summer asked Matt excitedly.

“Yeah” Matt replied with a smile and pushed open the door to Clare’s room.

“Mummy” Both kids shouted and ran over towards the bed.

“So where have you two be then? I heard you went on a little adventure?” Clare giggled. Matt was not pleased with this, he thought she was taking the situation and making it into a joke. Both of the kids just giggled and they too thought it was a joke. Clare noticed the expression on Matt’s face and knew she had to say to the kids that it was wrong and this is what she did.

“But promise me you wont do it again?”

“Promise”

“I’m not joking now, me and daddy were really worried, you should do that, and you must always tell people were you are going even if there are two of you”

“But we wanted…”

“No matter what you wanted to do, this is important that you listen to me. We were really worried.”

“Sorry” Jack said and lowered his head.

“Come here” Clare signalled and hugs both kids tightly just like Matt had done.

“You don’t hate us do you mummy?” Summer asked.

“No I don’t not at all, I was just scared, I didn’t want you to go missing”

Matt was stood near the doorway with a massive smile on his face, he was glad to see everyone happy, but he didn’t know what was going to be said. He didn’t know anything that was going on in Clare’s head.

“Tasha could you do me a favour and take the kids for some chocolate while I just speak to Matt for a minute please?”

“Yeah sure, lets go and eat food” Tasha giggled and took both of the kid’s hands and led them outside.

“I just thought I’d say thanks” Clare smiled at Matt

“Its ok, I know how much they mean to you and of course you know how much they mean too me”

“Well, make the most of it because it’s the last time you’ll be able to see them”

“What?” Matt now was looking rather puzzled.

“When I get outer here, I’m making sure you wont see them”

“But why? You can’t do that,” Matt shouted, practically letting everyone in the hospital here him.

“Because I’m sick and tired of you treating me like shit and the less you see my children, the less I’ll have to see you”

“I know I’ve been a bastard, but I haven’t treated you like shit the past couple of weeks”

“You were always a good liar, never believed what you said”

“Would you like to explain to me exactly how I’ve treated you like shit this couple of weeks”

“I loved you and god I still do and when you said you didn’t the other day it fucking killed me. I thought everything was going ok, like when you came to the hospital with me and when you came to visit me, I thought everything was going ok, but I was wrong again you just don’t care, I don’t know why the fuck I bother”

“I care about you that’s why I came, just because I divorced you doesn’t mean I care”

“Then why treat me the way you do?”

“Clare, I’m sorry”

“You’re not going to see your kids after this Matt, I’ll make sure of it”

“I love you”

     Clare paused for a moment and laughed.

     “You wont get anywhere with saying something you don’t mean”

     “But, its not a lie, I do.”

     “Matt you’ve hurt me once I don’t want to be hurt again”

     “For fuck sake, I LOVE YOU”

        “Oh my god,” Clare murmured.

        “What?” Matt asked, calming down and looking at Clare’s serious expression.

        “You mean it don’t you?” she questioned, seeing the sincerity in his expression.

        “Of course I mean it, I never stopped loving you, I just didn’t think you loved me back, not after what I did, the only reason I suggested the divorce was because I thought it would save hundreds of arguments and easier all round,” Matt looked down, before looking up into her eyes, “You have to believe me when I say I never meant to cause you so much pain, I didn’t set out to hurt you,”

        “I… I know you didn’t, as crazy as it sounds, I always knew it was partly my fault for never giving you the time of day, just to give me an explanation, infact I shouldn’t have expected one, I knew how much you cared for me, and should have known you would never have purposely gone out of your way to cause me pain,” Clare sighed, “I love you Matt,”

        “I love you,” Matt sunk into the chair next to her bed and took her hand, “Lets say we give it another go… for the family?”

        “I think we should,” Matt leant over and placed a gentle kiss on Clare’s soft lips.

        “Mummy… does daddy have to go?” Summer asked, tears in her eyes as Tasha came into the room with the children.

        “No he doesn’t,” Clare smiled.

        “Is he coming back for tea, the doctor said you’re allowed home,” Jack asked, climbing onto his Dad’s lap.

        “I think Daddy’s going to be staying a little bit longer than just dinner.” Clare grinned, as Summer climbed up next to her mum and looked at her questioningly.

        “What do you mean mummy?” she asked, stroking Clare’s hair softly.

        “I’m coming home,” Matt filled in.

        “Daddy’s coming home,” Jack screeched, bouncing on his Dad’s lap, as Summer flung her arms round her mum’s neck.

        “Matt… do you want to go buy some photo frames?” Clare asked.

        “Why?” Matt questioned curiously.

        “Because I think we’ll have some new family pictures to be filling the spaces on the walls very soon,” Clare grinned, Matt leant over, kissing her softly, and Jack and summer sat on the bed making “Eww” noises and giggling hysterically.

The end

By Clare