Feels Like Forever

There are some times you feel like you have nothing, that you can or deserve better. That what you have isn’t enough. You need more.

And there are some times that you just know you have it all, and all you ever need is love. The love coming from one person and one person only. His love makes your world go round. And when that love suddenly disappears, all there is left, is an empty space, waiting to be filled with that same love again. And all you can do is hope.

Hope is your friend. But also your worst enemy.

November

Everyone knew we were together and no one bothered to make any useless comments anymore. James and I were happy, just how I imagined us two to be. We had left our pasts behind us and had started all over again. We had a life together, the two of us and everyone seemed to be happy with it. Even Matt, of whom we initially thought would blow, had given it a place in his heart.

It all started on a normal Wednesday morning, around 8am. James and I were set to leave to Emma, so we could all go to the hospital with her and see how the baby was doing. James and I both loved children and seeing that it was technically impossible for us to have any, Emma had suggested to be a surrogate mother for our child. She was about three months gone, and for Emma’s own safety, we had chosen to donate James’ sperm and not mine. Emma was quite a slim girl, and we didn’t want her to break every bone in her body by the time the baby would be born. This was the exact reason why James and I were having a massive argument in the car on our way over to Emma’s.

“So it’s just gonna look like you, and not me? James, don’t you think that’s a bit unfair?” I said, my face straight, my hands clung onto the steering wheel. James shook his head lightly.

“Charlie, we’ve discussed this before.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m fine with it.”

“Look, if we could’ve made a baby of our own, we would’ve. But we can’t, because you’re a guy, and hell, so am I!” He exclaimed while waving his arms about as much as the car would allow him to.

“I know,” I calmly said. James sighed deeply.

“Then why are you bringing this up again?”

“Because I still think it’s unfair.”

“Grow up, Charlie! Does it really matter who the baby is gonna look like? It’s gonna be ours. We will love it as if it were ours and it is, because it’s made out of love.” James calmed down a slight bit, but the rage was still flowing through my veins.

“It won’t look like me, act like me, or think like me…”

“Does it have to be a fucking copy of yourself, Charlie? Are you expecting a mini-me of me?” I turned my head for just one second to give him a lecture and a right go, but when I heard him screaming my name and trying to protect himself with his arms, it was already too late. We’d collided into an other car with a bang.

I don’t remember much of what had happened in the time we crashed and I was in the hospital. I do remember a lot of pain – not only in my body, but also in my heart. Something was telling me that James wasn’t alright.

“See you’ve awoken.” A sweet, high pitched girl’s voice noted. She smiled and walked around the bed to take my pulse. She looked at her watch. “You’re doing quite well, despite your accident.”

“How is James? Is he alright? I want to see him. Where is he?” I sat up straight, screwing my face up as I did so – my back hurt like hell. The nurse shook her head sadly. “He… he isn’t… dead, is he?”

“No,” She whispered. “Perhaps even worse.” I gave her a confused look. “He’s badly injured his head. His brain is swollen and he is in a coma. He had surgery on his head, and he hasn’t woken up from his anesthesia.” I gasped for breath. For how long had I been unconscious then? “It’s been three days and nothing happened. Not a twinge. Not even a blink.” She sighed. “I don’t want to disturb you or anything, but there’s only a 15 per cent chance that he’ll ever wake up again. I heard the doctors talking about it an hour ago.” My world collapsed right there and then. I couldn’t imagine a life without James. James was my life.

I was allowed to go see him the following day. I was in shock to find him in the state he was in; tubes everywhere. Not long after, a meeting with the doctors followed, confirming that there was only a slim chance that he was going to wake up again. So slim, that it might as well could have been anorexic.

December

There was no longer place for James in the hospital – he had to move to another place where they could take care of him. James and I never had had to worry about money, and so I made sure he got the best of the best and stayed in Summer Valley, one of best and most expensive personal treatment houses around. The rooms were comparable to hotel suites, and to compensate that, the aids were right bitches. To put it lightly.

It’d taken ages to get James to his room, I was put to wait down in the lobby. They would come and get me when James was ready. I was already waiting for 45 minutes when I was near screaming my head off. I decided to phone Emma.

“It’s taking too long, Emz. They had just his bag on him, as if he were a table.” I explained. My voice slightly trembled.

“It’s going to be just fine, Charlie. It’s one of the best places in England, I’m sure they will take good care of him.” She tried to reassure me. It wasn’t exactly working. I know what I saw.

“Emma,” I began, but had to pause because there was some kind of mad woman running around the lobby screaming that she needed help. “Em, I know what I saw. I know what I’m seeing right now. Renown doesn’t mean he won’t go insane here.” 

“He’s in a coma.” I didn’t want to hear those words. They made me so angry. James wasn’t in a coma. He was in a deep sleep, and he was going to wake up very soon. I hung up the phone. I didn’t want to know the truth. It hurt too much. I looked around, seeking for a doctor, but to no avail. Aids were running through the hallways, patients were screaming, crying, yelling, running away. I walked over to the desk, to see if the woman there could help me.

“I’ve been waiting for an hour now, Miss. When is he going to be ready?”

James was put up with an aid called Frankie. She wasn’t one of the slimmest women, but she had a friendly face, green eyes, and long, curly dark brown hair. Looks can be deceiving, though, because Frankie wasn’t as friendly as I thought she would be.

“I’m back, James. How are you feeling today, any better? You look so good. Peaceful, almost.” I whispered, a small smile curling around the corners of my mouth. I adjusted the sheets and put James’ arms next to his body, so it would look like he really was asleep.  “I miss your beautiful smile. I’ve always loved your smile. I’ve always loved you.” The tears were burning in my eyes, but I wouldn’t go and cry in front of James. I wouldn’t make myself look weak.

“He can’t hear you anyway,” Frankie stated. I jumped – I hadn’t heard her coming in in the first place. She changed the sheets rather quickly and left the room as sneakily as she’d come in.

“I need you to wake up, James. I can’t breathe in this room. Frankie’s driving me insane. It’s like she doesn’t have a heart. So cold. So cold, James. I need your warmth.”

February

All this time, Emma had been trying to take care of me and giving me all the love I needed, but it wasn’t the same. It didn’t even come near to James. Emma herself was now seven months pregnant and it hurt so much to see her walking around with that swollen tummy of hers. Our baby was in there, and it wasn’t even for certain if James would ever see this child. Our child. If he would see it being born, grow up. It was all one big question mark.

And James just lie there in that bed, not moving a muscle. As if he didn’t care about anything in the world. About me. About our baby. About his own life. As if he didn’t want to know.

One time it got me so angry that I threw everything in the house around, screaming out his name, crashing everything on my way to insanity, resulting in breaking down. Tears streamed down my face.

“Don’t you fucking give a shit, James? Why won’t you work for it? Why are you not willing to live?” I whispered through the tears. ‘FUCK YOU JAMES!” I screamed. “FUCK YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU!” I fell down on my knees, rolling myself up as a ball, protecting myself from everything bad; a hopeless attempt. Emma was there to pull me through. To tell me that everything would be alright. That he would wake up again, as long as I would show him that I still had hope and that I gave all my strength. But I was empty, I was tired. I didn’t want to anymore, I was giving up.

April

On April 10, Alicia was born. I wouldn’t say she was an exact copy of James, but she reminded me of him so much. The blue eyes, and the tuft of blonde hair on her small head. On the one side it hurt to see her looking so much like him, as if she was there to replace James. But on the other side, that exactly gave me the strength to go on. She gave me hope.

When she was a few weeks old, I took her to see James. It more looked like a small bundle of cloths that I had in my arms, but she was in there somewhere. At that moment it occurred to me that she looked more like James than I had noticed at first. She was so small.

“Look James,” I said, and sat on the chair next to his bed. “James, I’d like you to meet Alicia. Alicia, this is your dad.” I continued and revealed Alicia’s face for him. I felt the tears well up in my eyes. “This is your daddy,” I managed to say, through the tears. “He doesn’t say much, but that’s because he’s in a deep sleep. He’s gonna wake up real soon though. And then we can go out for walks, just the three of us. Like a real family. Aren’t we James? We’re gonna be a little family, you, me and James.”

That night, Alicia woke me up by her crying. Emma slept at our house, to take care of Alicia when I was visiting James, but she too was tired, and I’d promised I would get myself out of bed at night when the baby needed me.

I stood at the crib and picked her up. Her little blue eyes were a bit red from the crying and I felt her small hands grabbing hold of my t-shirt as I hugged her softly and walked through the nursery with her in my arms. I sat down in the big white chair that was put next to the crib. I tried to shush her, which seemed to work.

“Charlie?” I looked up and saw James right in front of my eyes, awake, moving. “Don’t get up,” He squatted down in front of me and smiled. He stroked Alicia’s head lovingly and gave a small kiss on her forehead. “Love you,” He whispered. Alicia started crying at that moment. I woke up from my dream to see that nothing of it was reality. Aside from Alicia’s crying.

June

“Alicia’s growing really fast,” I said, stroking James’ hand. “We need you to be there, James. You’re missing so much. She needs her dad.” There was a short moment of silence. “I need you.”

Several days passed. I tried everything to wake him up, even though he had been like this for way too long. I wasn’t giving up. Not just yet.

“James, can you try and squeeze my hand? Just really lightly so I know you can hear me?” I waited for a minute or so, then repeated my request a few times. “Okay, so you’re not feeling like it. Fine. We’ll try… some music then.” I walked over to one of the small tables that were stood against the walls. It had a CD player on it. I put in one of Michael Jackson’s earlier albums. I turned the volume up quite a bit, and shimmied back to the bed.

“You love this song, it’s your favourite, James.” I did a silly dance, but it wasn’t working. It wasn’t going to wake him up.  

Just the next day, when I was walking around with Alicia in my arms around the living room, the phone rang. Emma rushed over and picked it up. I heard her voice going up, and turning more excited with the second. Then I heard a loud yelp.

“Oh my God, Charlie!” She screamed, and jumped up and down lightly. Her face had reddened from the excitement, and her eyes were glistering. “You never guess what happened!” I shushed Emma,

“Don’t yell, it makes Alicia cry.” She didn’t gave me any recognition, and kept on jumping and yelping.

“James woke up fifteen minutes ago!” If it hadn’t been for Emma, I would’ve dropped Alicia right on the floor. My jaw had dropped quite a few inches and I had to gasp for air. I felt like a total woos for acting like this.

I felt butterflies in my tummy as I saw James’ sparkling blue eyes searching for mine. He sat straight up, supporting himself with his arms.

“Hey,” He whispered. “did you bring Alicia with you?” A smile broke upon my face, along with a deep sigh, tears streaming down my face and a run to James’ bed.

It felt so good to hug him, to hear his voice, to feel, see, him move.

December

Over a year it had been since the accident, since James was in a coma. James, Alicia and I spent out very fist Christmas together, complete with Christmas tree and lots of presents.

All of our friends were there, our families, everyone. Just then I realized how much those people mean to me. It can be over in a second.