Toilet paper. That's a topic and a half. I mean, they give them names like "Angel soft" and "Royal". How many times have you wiped your bottom on an angel? Or some kind of royalty? If you have, I don't want to hear about it. So don't tell me.
Sometimes these things take FOREVER to get their designated jobs done. I mean, who has time to cleanse their rear for 45 seconds? Over time, that's gonna take off a few years. YEARS spent wiping your ass when it could take a much shorter time.
This is where my proposal comes in. The insta-wipe�! A spanking clean butt in one good wipe! The Insta-wipe� wouldn't have any of that "Pillowy-Softness" crap, it would be made for truckers and people on the move who just don't have the time to sit on the can with a wad of paper in their hand. It would look vaguely like sandpaper except with stronger glue (because honestly, who wants bits of gravel and sand falling off in there?) and it would really hurt for the first week. But tests have shown that calluoses develop after just three uses (or the hospital wonders how you got gravel there in the first place�)! No more long waits for the bathroom! In and out in 20 seconds! People waiting for you won't be able to tell if you did a 1 or a 2!
You may be wondering why you shouldn't just go and buy some sand paper and use more glue on it to save yourself money, but I'll tell you why��. You see that? That means TRADE MARK! And that means it's MINE! MY IDEA! NOT YOURS!
MINE! I'm going to test out MY product on a few lab monkeys. I mean Flunkies. Yeeees�. "Flunkies".