Agents of Orange
Vic Kipper
Iggy was a jackhammer. But that's neither here nor there.
Jimmy Hasselhoff turned 19 that day. He spent his birhday hiding in a
closet. He hid because he thought he was being pursued by the color
orange. He feared orange because in grade school he had learned that
proximity to the sun caused disintegration. He also saw that all of his
schoolmates colored the suns orange. And thusly he became worried that
prolonged contact with the color orange would render him disintegrated.
What sent him running for his closet on that one day was the road crew
filling a pothole in the street outside his house. The workers didn't
realize that their orange vests convinced Jimmy that the forces of Orange
were hunting him down. They couldn't have known that this would lead him
to believe that this feared color didn't want him to live into his 19th
year.
When Jimmy came out of his closet, he knew it was time to take action.
After making sure the orange-outfitted outsiders had left, he made a
beeline for the nearest small hardware store (he'd long ago leaned to avoid
the larger places like Home Depot). He picked up some sandpaper, a small
acetylene torch, three four foot two by fours, and a pack of gum. He paid
for all of these things, taking a moment to drink in the soothing green
of
his cash, and stepped outside where he quickly discarded everything but
the
little torch. With that in hand, he dashed back to his house and locked
himself in the closet again.
In the closet, there was a hiss and a click. Jimmy stared into the flame
of the torch. And stared into it some more. Several hours and several
gas
canisters later, Jimmy Hasselhoff stepped out of the closet. He looked
around. It was a new world. He could no longer see colors. He stepped
outside into the morning light to find the workers tamping the asphalt in
front of his house, but their vests no longer held any threat to him.
He shook his fists in the air and shouted in triumph for only a few
moments before a bizarre momentary localized corruption of the laws of
gravity sent him hurtling directly towards the sun. He was fearlessly
colorblind right up until the moment he was vaporized.
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