Itsu Made Mo

By: Kimagure Angel

Standard disclaimers apply, in other words, the characters are not mine, I’m just borrowing them.

Comments and criticisms are always welcome.  Flames will be returned in kind.

Spoilers Alert
Contains spoilers for Kyoto and Revenge Arcs of the manga.

Chapter 1

“Kaoru, doko da?”  Frantically searching the house, Kenshin finally comes to Kaoru’s room.  Silently Kenshin prays, “Please, Kami-sama, not again,” as he slowly slides open the door.  Finding the room empty, he turns to leave.  As he does, Kenshin notices a note pinned to the wall with a kunai.  Tearing it down and quickly reading it, he stops dead.  “Noooo!!

Kenshin bolted awake at the sound of his own voice, visions from the nightmare still fresh in his mind.  Before he had a chance to think about what it all meant, Kaoru and Yahiko ran into his room, making him even more disoriented.  “Oro?”

Yahiko, seeing that it was nothing more than a bad dream (yeah, some bad dream, nightmear seems more like it), headed back to bed mumbling to himself.  “Kenshin, you might just stop having these dreams if you’d just tell her how you feel about her.”

Wincing, Kenshin thought to himself.  Is it that obvious?

Did I just hear Yahiko say what I thought he just said?  Is it true, Kenshin?  Kaoru thought as she watched Yahiko leave.  The glimmer of hope in her eyes silently asked what she could not.

Kenshin saw the look in Kaoru’s eyes.  But no matter how much he wanted to, he just couldn’t bring himself to tell her how he felt about her.  Everyone he had ever dared to love, his parents, Tomoe, they had all been taken from him.  He didn’t want to loose Kaoru, too.  She was the thread that held his tattered soul together.

Pushing her earlier thought to a corner of her mind, Kaoru decided to break the uncomfortable silence that had settled between them.  “Kenshin, what happened?” she asked softly as she knelt down next to him.

“It was nothing, Kaoru-dono.  Just a bad dream, that’s all,” Kenshin replied as he tried putting on his friendly rurouni mask.  And failing miserably.

Yeah right, Kenshin.  If it was just a bad dream, then why did you scream out my name like something…had just…happened…to me?  “Kenshin, tell me what happened in your dream.  Please…”

Knowing Kaoru wouldn’t be satisfied until he told her, Kenshin finally gave in.  “I dreamt of all the people I’ve loved that were taken away from me.  My parents.  Tomoe.”  You.  “Everyone.”  As he spoke, he refused to meet her eyes.  Doing so would let her see how much pain he was in.  He didn’t want her to see how much pain was in his heart.  All the while, tears silently fell from his eyes.

No matter how much Kenshin tried to hide it, Kaoru could still tell how much this was hurting him.  When she saw his tears, it broke her heart even more.  But she just had to know why he had screamed out her name the way he did.  “Kenshin, what happened to me in your dream?  Please, tell me.  Besides, it might make you feel better to get it out in the open
and tell someone.”  Hopefully that someone is me.  I don’t know if I could take it if you shut me out yet again.

How did she know and how do I tell her that she was taken from me on our wedding night?  I can’t even bring myself to admit that I love her, let alone this.  Besides, what’s the use?  She could never love me, not with all the things that I’ve done.  Maybe, I might as well tell her.  I really should be moving on from here.  I’ve spent too much time here already.  Besides, staying would only cause both of us more pain.  Taking a deep breath, Kenshin decided to tell her as little as he could and hope she would let it go at that.  “You were taken again.  No matter how hard I looked, I couldn’t find you.  When I finally looked in your room, I found a note pinned to the wall, and that’s when I woke up.”  Please leave it at this, Kaoru.  Please don’t make me tell you everything.  It already hurts telling you this much.

“Kenshin, I know that’s not everything,” Kaoru said, gently putting her hand over his cross-shaped scar.  Turning his face towards her, she continued.  “Don’t keep whatever it is that’s hurting you inside.  Besides, you never know, I might actually be able to help.”

Finally bringing his eyes up to meet hers, Kenshin gave in.  Kami-sama, I wish I knew how she did this to me.  I can’t believe that just seeing her worry about me, makes me want to give into nearly any of her demands.  I wonder if that’s the reason she was the only one I needed to say good-bye to that time.  “All right, Kaoru, you win.  I’ll tell you.” Please don’t let her end up hating me after she hears this.

Wait a minute, did he just call me Kaoru instead of Kaoru-dono?  OK, what’s going on here?  Or should I ask, what scared him that much?  Kaoru thought, remembering what she had been told about Kenshin’s actions when they had thought that Enishi had killed her.  She looked into his eyes, watching him, trying to figure out what he was going to tell her.

“When you came into the dream, it was the day of our wedding.”  Kenshin paused and looked up to see how Kaoru would react.  As he had suspected, she was—to say the least—shocked.  “Everyone was here, congratulating us for finally getting married.  Some of them had even commented that they thought that it would never happen.  You were so
beautiful in your wedding kimono, I wanted you all to myself.”

“Then the dream skips ahead to that evening.  Everybody had finally left and I had you all to myself.  Even Yahiko had left, so we could spend our wedding night alone.  I left you alone for a short time so I could bathe and you could have some time to yourself to workout some of the nervousness you had.”  Not that I didn’t have plenty of my own to work on.

At this point, all Kaoru could do is sit and listen.  Never in her wildest dreams had she thought that this was what she would hear.

“You were taken from me during the short time we were apart.  I searched for you, but I couldn’t find you anywhere.  When I looked in your room, that we would have shared, for a second time, I found a note pinned to the wall with a kunai.  I don’t even remember what it said, now.  All I remember is that I kept thinking to myself, another person I love is gone.
Why are the Kami doing this to me?  And that’s when I woke up.  From the way you and Yahiko came running in her, I assume I was pretty vocal during the last part of the dream,” Kenshin finished, bringing his eyes back up to meet hers.

At first, Kaoru didn’t know what to say.  I can’t believe Kenshin actually opened up to me.  I never thought that he’d ever let me get this close.  But I’ve just got to know…  She knew she was putting her emotions on the line (yet again), but she just had to find out if Kenshin really felt that way about her.  Gathering up all her courage, she asked him, “Is that really how you feel about me, Kenshin?” trying not to sound too hopeful.

Kenshin stared at her for a long while before answering.  How am I supposed to answer that?  Gods know that I love her more than anything, but she deserves someone so much better than I am.  Someone who doesn’t have the blood on his hands that I do.  But I might as well be honest with both of us.  Finally realizing his answer, Kenshin took a deep breath.  “Couldn’t you tell?”  Looking back down at the floor, he continued.  “I love you more than anything.  Right from the beginning you trusted me.  Even after you found out what I once was, you still wanted me around.  Sometimes I wonder why.  You gave me a home and, in a way, the family I never had.”

When Kenshin had finished, Kaoru didn’t know what to think.  So Kenshin, if you loved me, why did you always try to distance yourself from me?  Moving that thought to the back of her mind, for now, she decided that if Kenshin could tell her how he felt, she could do the same in return.

“Kenshin,” she started, “I love you, too.  I just never believed that you loved me that way.  The way you acted always made me feel as if you thought of me as a sister.  Besides, why would you love me after you had someone like Tomoe.  I could never compare to her.  I can’t cook, I yell and throw thing at both you and Yahiko, or anyone else who might get in the
way…I…” Yeah, why in the world would he ever want someone like me, when he had someone like Tomoe.  I could never be like her.

“No, you may not be like Tomoe, but you are what I want.”  And need.  “Tomoe was able to bring a bit of calmness to my life while I was the Battousai, but that is not what I need, or want, right now.  Right now, I need you.  You gave me a home and a family.  You didn’t care about my past, and you trusted me.  More than once you’ve saved me from becoming the hitokiri again.  I’m the one who should be wondering why you’d want someone like me.”

Finishing his speech, Kenshin silently moved behind Kaoru.  He wanted so much to put his arms around her and pull her close to him.  He wanted to make her feel as if the only people in the world were the two of them.  And that is exactly what he did.  This time, Kaoru, it won’t be a good-bye.  Never again.  Never will I leave you alone again.  It hurts too much.  As Kenshin put his arms around her, he felt her tense up.

“Kaoru-dono, what’s wrong de gozaru ka?”  Kenshin asked as he started to withdraw from her.  What was I thinking?  She could never really love someone like me.  Almost everything I’ve done goes against her beliefs.  Besides, she deserves someone better, someone who doesn’t have blood on his hands.

Looking down, Kaoru finally spoke.  “Stop it, Kenshin.  I hate it when you put yourself down like this.  Don’t you know how much it hurts me to see you do this to yourself?  I love you, Kenshin.”  I think I always have.  “And that’s not going to change.”

Guiltily, Kenshin apologized.  “I’m sorry, Kaoru.”  It feels good to finally be able to call her that.  “Will you forgive me?”

Leaning back and finally letting Kenshin hold her, Kaoru took a deep breath and started, “I will if you’ll promise me one thing.  Promise me you won’t leave again.  Like when you went to Kyoto.  I…I don’t want to lose you again.”  Tears now shining in her eyes.

Pulling her closer, he softly whispered into her hair, “I promise.  Besides, I’d be too worried about you following me like you did then.”

He knew that he had hurt her when he had left, but he didn’t want to put her in anymore danger.  He also didn’t want her to see “that” side of him. He didn’t want her to see him become that monster again.  I’m just surprised that she still wanted me around after seeing me as the hitokire.

“Kaoru, I’m so afraid that something’s going to happen to you because of me.  When Enishi took you, I thought you were dead.”  Kenshin closed his eyes trying to block out that painful memory.  “I thought I had lost you, and that it was my own fault that I lost you.  I don’t want to risk loosing you again,” he said so quietly that she almost didn’t hear it.

“Kenshin…” Kaoru said softly,  Looking up into his beautiful violet eyes and lightly biting her bottom lip, she silently prayed for the courage to do the one thing she’d always wanted to do—to kiss Kenshin.

Kenshin knew the look in Kaoru’s eyes.  It was the same one he knew he had in his.  For months he had held back feelings that he knew had always been there.  His own feelings of worthlessness preventing him from ever telling her how he felt.  Now, with everything (well almost everything)out in the open, all Kenshin wanted to do was to hold Kaoru forever.

As Kaoru continued to look into Kenshin’s eyes, she realized that he was just as nervous about everything as she was.  At this realization, she found the extra bit of courage that she had been praying for.  Kaoru stopped biting her lower lip and smiled (which needless to say, made Kenshin take a sharp in-drawn breath).

Kenshin, as soon as he saw her smile, knew that, in a way, it was Kaoru’s way of telling him that she trusted him.  Not with her life this time, but with her heart.  When he saw her lean towards him and slowly close her eyes, he was in awe with just how much she was trusting him with her heart.  Gods know I don’t deserve you, Kaoru, but I can’t bear to push you away anymore.  I need you too much.  Slowly he brought his lips to meet hers.  As their lips met, he pulled her tighter against him.

Kaoru was amazed by the love she felt in Kenshin’s kiss and in his touch.  She was even more amazed when she felt Kenshin deepen the kiss.  The was he was able to ask her if it was all right without a single word made her melt.


As the two slowly ended the kiss, they knew that everything had changed between them.  Whether it was for the better or the worse, they knew they were in it together.

Jin’e might have been mad, but he was able to see right through me.  He wasn’t mad when he said that you were my “woman.”  Kenshin smiled at that thought.  Mine.  Kenshin thought again as he held Kaoru close to him.  Mine, always and forever.

This makes it all worth it.  Kaoru thought, sitting in Kenshin’s arms. All the pain and heart-ache were worth this one moment here.  Snuggling in closer to him, Kenshin, know that I’ll always be here for you.  We’ve got all the time in the world to make this work for us.

As the night wore on, Kenshin kept Kaoru in his arms as the two of them talked and, for once, enjoyed a night free from fear.  The fear of being alone.

Author's rantings:  OK, OK, I know this still needs a lot of work.  It's still in very rough draft form.  My editor, Sword of Sedevale has been sick for the last couple of weeks (feel better soon ^_^x) so she hasn't been able to go over it yet.  Any and all C&C welcome.
Let me know what you think.

Hosted by