A Midnight Thought
Aoshi
Standard Disclaimers Apply, in other words I don't own the characters.

Written by:  Kimagure Angel

Comments and Criticisms are always welcome.  Flames will be returned in kind.

Spoilers Alert!
 
 

Misao, why do you still care about what happens to me?  I donít deserve it.  I donít deserve anything, not after all the things Iíve done.

It was no one fault but mine that Beshimi, Hannya, and the others are dead.  They died protection me and there was nothing that I could do to stop it.  They put themselves in front of that damn gattling gun and used their own bodies to stop the bullets that were meant for me.  That should have killed me.  They died because of my stupid pride.

Look at what I did to Okina during that time I had sided with Shishio.  Just because he got in my way, I almost killed him.  And yet when everything was over, everyone forgave me, including Okina.  Why?  I donít understand why everyone, especially you, Misao, forgave me.  Not after everything I put you through.

Misao, do you know how many times Iíve watched you, wanting so badly to be near you and hold you?  Yet I wouldnít let myself, wouldnít let myself show you or anyone else in my life, how I feel about them.  And donít think that I donít notice how the smile you always wear leaves your eyes whenever Iím cold to you and try to push you away.  How can you not hate me for all Iíve hurt you?  I never wanted to hurt you.  Thatís probably the main reason Iíve been so cold to you.  I always hoped that youíd give up on me and find someone who really deserves you.  You deserve someone so much better than me.

I know you think that I still see you as the child I once helped raise, but I donít.  I havenít for a long time now.  I can see the difference between the high-spirited young girl of the past, and the beautiful woman of today.  The woman that I not only see during my waking hours, but also during my meditation, and in my dreams.

Why canít you understand that I just want whatís best for you?  I want you to be happy, not stuck with some relic like me.  Iím afraid that if weíre together, that beautiful smile of yours will disappear, I never want to see that happen.  Thatís not what I want, or what you deserve.

There were times, not long after I returned to the Aoiya, when I wanted to keep you sheltered.  To keep you from having to know anymore than you already do about what itís like to have to fight to stay alive.  Youíre part of this new era, Misao.  You shouldnít have to know that kind of thing.

Misao-chan, I really wish that youíd realize that all I am is a relic from the past.  From a period that most people would like to forget.  Yet here you are, still trying to protect me (mostly from my own self-loathing), when it should be the other way around.  When it should be me protecting you.

Oh well, I guess Iíll have to be happy with my dreams for now.  Where weíre able to be together without my past getting in out way.

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