intangible

SCENE SEVENTEEN [GREG, JOE and WALT in JOE's apartment]

JOE: I did that for 'Pulp Fiction'

GREG: Why would you waste a sick day on 'Pulp Fiction?'

JOE: Walt had no one to go with.

GREG: I have no one to go with either.

JOE: I don't even like '8�'.

GREG: How can you not like '8�'?

WALT: It�s easy, all you have do is watch it.

GREG: How would you know, you weren�t even paying attention.

WALT: Doesn�t that tell you something?

GREG: Yeah, you have no taste. [To JOE] Cut work and come with me.

JOE: I told you, I'm not calling in sick.

GREG: Now I have to go alone.

WALT: "Would you like to go Walt? Sure Greg, that would be wonderful!"

GREG: We just covered this, you hate �8 ��.

WALT: Fine, go by yourself.

GREG: [goes to kitchen] You're not pouting in there are you?

WALT: I'm fighting back the tears, don�t come in here, I don�t want you to see me like this.

GREG: You do nothing but complain, you ruin the entire cinematic experience.

WALT: I don�t complain half as much as you do when we�re at one of my movies.

GREG: [short pause] Do you wanna come?

WALT: If you want me to come.

GREG: I'm more than happy to go by myself.

WALT: Are you paying?

GREG: Not for you.

WALT: I paid at the 'Star Wars' all nighter!

GREG: So, Do you think I would pay to sit around with bourgeois trekkies all night?

WALT: Why would I pay to sit around with old Italians to watch a movie that�s not even in English!

GREG: You don�t have to, I�m going alone, end of discussion.

WALT: Okay, here�s the deal, I'll go if you watch 'Clerks' with me next time it's showing.

GREG: What possible benefit is there to watching 'Clerks' on the big screen?

WALT: It's a good movie, all movie's are better on the big screen.

GREG: He doesn't take the camera off the tripod and it still looks like the cinematographer�s an epileptic.

WALT: It's an indie movie.

GREG: It�s glorified surveillance footage.

WALT: They're 'Clerks', that's the point.

GREG: And that ending, his ex-girlfriend having sex with a corpse in the bathroom? How bitter is that?

WALT: That was hilarious.

GREG: What kind of director steals from 'Weekend at Bernie's'?

WALT: It�s Jersey neo-realism.

GREG: So everyone from New Jersey is a necrophylliac?

WALT: [pause] I know what necrophylliac means. [cut to the three of them walking]

JOE: Where'd you take that woman the other night.

GREG: 'Citizen Kane'

JOE: Are you serious?

GREG: I'm tired of suffering through two months of Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts discovering love where they least expected.

WALT: You could compromise, catch a Woody Allen flick.

GREG: He's a pedophile.

JOE: Stanley Kubrick was a son of a bitch, you still bow at his temple.

GREG: He never had sex with his children.

WALT: Isn�t she adopted?

GREG: You don't adopt a child to raise a wife.

WALT: Maybe it's more complicated than that, maybe you can't choose who you fall in love with. [Pause] It's not who you love, it's how.

GREG: [Pauses] Isn't that on the poster for 'Chasing Amy'?

WALT: You quote people.

GREG: I don't quote advertising.

WALT: 'Chasing Amy' is a great movie.

GREG: Just what the world needs, another lesbian conversion movie.

WALT: What did you think?

JOE: Other than the fact she's a totally unrealistic character, devoid of flaw?

WALT: She has lotsa flaws, she slept with half a New York.

JOE: Did you miss the entire point of that movie?

WALT: No! Holden should've forgave her.

JOE: No, he should've accepted her, there's a huge difference. [GREG & JOE walking down the street]

GREG: Me? You�re the one who went on the anti-amy [feminist] rant

JOE: I was critical, you're condescending.

GREG: Not to Walt I'm not.

JOE: Yeah, you shut it off like a faucet.

GREG: And that sort of sarcasm isn't condescending?

JOE: You never say anything like that to Walt?

GREG: I'm just joking around.

JOE: Then why don't you ever laugh?

GREG: No one laughs at their own jokes.

JOE: If I'm not laughing, and Walt's not laughing, how is that joking around?

GREG: I forgot I was talking to his big sister.

JOE: The last two weeks, all we�ve done is argue, when was the last time the three of us all laughed at something?

GREG: Walt fell down the front steps.

JOE: That was you laughing.

GREG: You didn�t think that was funny?

JOE: All I�m saying is we used to joke around all the time, now we just nag and criticize each other.

GREG: You�re right, we should have a friendship circle and spend the afternoon affirming what special people we all are. Hurray the town is saved, and just in time for Christmas!

SCENE NINETEEN [GREG & WALT shoveling WALT'S driveway]

GREG: Shouldn�t we be wearing masks?

WALT: Doesn�t say that on the bottle.

GREG: The bottle probably doesn�t tell you not to drink it either.

WALT: No, it says not drink it. �Poison: Warning Do Not Drink�

GREG: Are you trying to kill me?

WALT: I said I�d pick up a pizza for us, now stop complaining.

GREG: How can you compare handling toxic chemicals to a free pizza?

WALT: I didn't call you a brilliant negotiator.

GREG: Did you remember to rent 'Nashville'?

WALT: You said 'Nashville'?

GREG: Yes, 'Nashville, twenty-fifth anniversary' DVD.

WALT: I thought you said 'Copland'.

GREG: I've seen 'Copland'.

WALT: You've seen 'Nashville'.

GREG: They don't sound anything alike. You just did this to piss me off.

WALT: No I didn't, I thought you were talking about going to the theater to see 'Nashville' and you wanted to watch 'Copland' tonight.

GREG: I would never say I wanted to see 'Copland'

WALT: What's wrong with 'Copland'?

GREG: It's a cop movie, a land of cops movie even.

WALT: I thought it was good.

GREG: It's just like the ten million other movies about cops.

WALT: There's not that many cop movies.

GREG: Oh come on, there's: "Evil Cops" "Heroic Cops", "Odd Couple Cops", "Cops v. The Mob", "Cops v. International terrorists", "Cops v. The Unbearable lightness of Being."

WALT: People like crime movies.

GREG: It's cinema by numbers. The only thing in doubt is whether the token black partner dies at the beginning or middle of the film.

WALT: Can't you just enjoy a movie for what it is?

GREG: I can if it's good, but if I look at a log of shit in the toilet, I can't say, 'Floating piece of shit, I love you for what you are'.

WALT: Movies can be entertainment, knowing the outcome doesn't make it a 'floating piece of shit.'

GREG: It's Hollywood bullshit.

WALT: How can you say that, some of those actors are awesome.

GREG: Yeah, and when they're in those movies, it screams 'RENT MONEY.'

WALT: What about 'Heat'? It's about cops, it's still a good movie.

GREG: 'Oh no, we better stop the bank robbers, or it's gonna cost the insurance company lots and lots of money.'

WALT: That's only your opinion, it's not the gospel.

GREG: I'm well aware of the spiritual limitations of my opinion.

WALT: Then stop talking down to me.

GREG: I'm discussing the issue, we're having a debate.

WALT: Wrong! YOU'RE having a debate.

GREG: I've put forth at least five lucid arguments as to why it's the most contrived, overdone genre in cinema.

WALT: I know, I was listening, now I want you to listen to me.

GREG: I AM LISTENING WALT, YOU'RE JUST NOT SAYING ANYTHING.

WALT: I say lots of things.

GREG: Yeah, like 'Awesome' or 'It sucks'.

WALT: 'Heat' did an excellent job of showing the fine line between the cops and the guys they're tryin' to catch.

GREG: It pissed all over that line.

WALT: It was ...thought-provoking.

GREG: It totally ignored all the senseless carnage to focus entirely on how DeNiro and Pacino were the same person.

WALT: The violence had meaning.

GREG: What? That violence kills people? What a fucking revelation.

[EXTRA DIALOGUE FOR THE POSSIBLE PAN OUT]

WALT: Are you gonna do any actual work?

GREG: No, not with these chemicals.

WALT: I can't believe how lazy you are.

GREG: You're lucky I even showed.

WALT: Why don't I feel lucky?

SCENE TWENTY-TWO [GREG trying to start his 'Voltaire', has to walk, cut to GREG in WALT'S room]

GREG: I told you to wait outside.

WALT: I did, you're half an hour late ...

GREG: Come on, we're walking.

WALT: Where's your car?

GREG: Get your lazy ass outta bed, you need the exercise anyway.

WALT: Why don't you just buy a poster of the car?

GREG: It's a classic, turn that off.

WALT: I'm watching this.

GREG: You're watching golf.

WALT: You don't appreciate what a precision game this is, it's very difficult.

GREG: So is raising three kids on welfare, doesn't mean I wanna watch it on television. [takes remote and shuts off the TV at the end of the line]

WALT: That putt was for the championship!

GREG: And if he misses, somebody else wins. The circle of life continues.

[Cut to WALT & GREG walking]

GREG: That's a nice little ensemble you've put together today.

WALT: Do I pick out your clothes?

GREG: Does it look like you pick out my clothes?

WALT: [paused] This better not be another 'Priest.'

GREG: How can you like 'Dogma' and not 'Priest'?

WALT: 'Priest' offended my religious beliefs.

GREG: And 'Dogma' didn't?

WALT: I'm not Catholic.

GREG: Did you think the priest was Jewish?

WALT: No, but it's not the same thing, it was serious, 'Dogma' was a comedy.

GREG: Did the homoerotic undertones make you feel too uncomfortable?

WALT: No, it's just I was raised Lutheran.

GREG: Lutheran? That's like Christianity for Nazi's.

WALT: It is not.

GREG: It doesn't matter, you're not Lutheran.

WALT: I am so.

GREG: Lutherans go to church every Sunday, it's not Catholicism, you can't just go on Christmas and Easter.

WALT: I go when I can.

GREG: When? The six A.M. service with the old German ladies?

WALT: You don't have to go to church to believe.

GREG: Lutherans don't smoke pot, Lutherans don't 'borrow' from the cash register, Lutherans don't masturbate.

WALT: All I said was I didn't like 'Priest'.

GREG: Because, according to you, it offended your religious beliefs, which I'm arguing, don't exist.

WALT: Why does every movie I don't like turn into a deep philosophical debate? 'Dogma' expressed the idea better for me.

GREG: He's a marginal director Okay?! 'Chasing Amy' was tolerable, THE REST IS ALL DIALOGUE!

WALT: There's more to ...

GREG: ALL DIALOGUE! [cut to line-up outside of movie theater]

CORIE: Did you see the new Julia Roberts movie? Oh my God, it's got Brad Pitt, and they're in Mexico, and she's all, "no way", and he's all "whatever"

JUDD: Segal, DMX, this movie's gonna ROCK!

EGON: I heard the computer they used for the graphics cost two hundred thousand dollars, but I hear when the space ship explodes, even the tiniest pieces of shrapnel will break symmetrically. [camera reaches WALT & GREG]

WALT: Hey, Greg, remember the time there was over a hundred hungry indians, and only fifty pieces of fry bread?

GREG: What are you, a parrot?

WALT: No, Thomas, �Smoke Signals�. What are we seeing again?

GREG: 'The Contender'

WALT: Is it a boxing movie?

GREG: It's about politics.

WALT: Who's in it?

GREG: Joan Allen.

WALT: Who's Joan Allen?

GREG: Do you sleep during the credits?

WALT: The tickets are free right?

GREG: You don't have to come, you can waste your money on some mindless Hollywood sci-fi adventure.

WALT: At least it�s not a young French woman coming to terms with her sexuality.

GREG: [pause] Joe talked to you about last night?

WALT: She said it didn't go well, that's it. [pause] She's seeing somebody else tonight.

GREG: Feeling a little envious?

WALT: About what?

GREG: Joe going on a date.

WALT: Why should I care?

GREG: Because you look at her with a pathetic puppy dog stare.

WALT: I do not.

GREG: "Joe, would you like to see my three thousand dollar toy collection?"

WALT: They're not toys.

GREG: It's not eating at you Joe's out with another guy?

WALT: [quickly] Joe's out with a guy.

GREG: Why would you care about that?

WALT: [unconvincingly] I don't.

GREG: You are the worst liar on the planet.

WALT: [brooding] I hope she has a good time.

SCENE TWENTY-FOUR
[GREG in his apartment, meticulously crafting an elaborate meal. WALT & JOE are at the table]

JOE: What are you two staring at?

GREG: Just admiring how good you look this morning.

WALT: Things not go well last night?

JOE: I don't feel like talking about it right now.

GREG: You're late, we're suppose to meet at ten, it's ten after.

WALT: [reaches for the French press] Want some?

GREG: That's not ready, I'm not drinking watered downed shit coffee cause Belushi over there can't wait two minutes.

JOE: Belushi?

GREG: You weren't out drinking last night?

JOE: It's illegal to drink?

GREG: No, but we have to meet with Kirk today.

JOE: Who the hell is Kirk?

GREG: The investor.

JOE: When?

GREG: Five O'clock.

JOE: Wonderful.

WALT: I heard you went out with a guy last night.

JOE: You know I think I liked your Buster Keaton imitation better.

WALT: Who's Buster Keaton? [Is he somebody bad?] Why are there four plates?

GREG: Because there's four dishes.

WALT: Why don't you put it all on one plate?

GREG: Fine. Next time I'll make a big ass fuckin' souffle, just for you Walt. [cut to living room]

WALT: [to JOE] I watched �Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown� last night.

GREG: Did they put the wrong tape in the case again?

WALT: No, I wanted to watch it by myself to avoid you explaining the whole thing word for word, like I'm your retarded younger brother or somethin.

JOE: How come you don't watch them with me?

WALT: Because they're ... you know ... suggestive.

JOE: Suggestive?

WALT: Like, sensual, you know sexual.

JOE: What's wrong with that?

WALT: No, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just, well, you know, when you watch movies like that with a woman, it gets, you know, uncomfortable.

JOE: How is it uncomfortable?

WALT: I don't know, it just is, I can't explain it.

JOE: What Walt, are you afraid we're going watch some foreign film together and spontaneously start fucking each other's brains out?

WALT: I didn't mean it like that, we're friends. [pause] It's cool.

JOE: Why wasn't it cool before?

GREG: You weren't angry with him before.

WALT: I can speak for myself. [pause] It's cool.[hesitantly] [Cut to driving JOE home]

WALT: [shyly] Is this the porno movie?

GREG: No, it's the watergate spin off.

WALT: How was it?

GREG: Shitty.

JOE: How long's it been since you got laid?

WALT: What about his . . . you know.

GREG: Dick?

WALT: Yeah.

GREG: Dick.

WALT: I just wanted to know what all the fuss was about. Is it that big?

GREG: It's 'science fiction' BIG.

JOE: Feeling a little inadequate?

GREG: My forearm is feeling a little inadequate, it's a watermelon with foreskin, That man's an alien.

WALT: Why would they send him to Earth to star in porno movies?

GREG: Why did they send E.T.? Who knows what's important to these people?

WALT: Was it sexy?

GREG: You don't ask your friends whether or not a porno movie was sexy.

JOE: What should he ask? How drugged up the women looked?

GREG: I'm sorry you have a moral dilemma with porno. [pause] I was watching it for the historical value.

JOE: Well as long as it's in the name of science.

GREG: Don't look at me, Walt's the porn king.

WALT: You have to tell everybody?

JOE: Like I never noticed the six foot stack of Playboy's in your closet?

WALT: I'm holding [starts to trail off] them for --a --friend.