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| SCENE EIGHT "SNOVELING SHOW" "DDT COCKTAILS, THE DRUG OF CHOICE FOR THE YOUNG URBAN SOPHISTICATE" or "IF YOU THINK THE COPS WON'T CATCH THE BAD GUYS, TIE YOURSELF UP AND JUMP OFF A BRIDGE" [GREG & WALT shoveling WALT'S driveway] GREG: Shouldn't we be wearing masks? WALT: Doesn't say that on the bottle. GREG: The bottle probably doesn't tell you not to drink it either. WALT: No, it says to not drink it. 'Warning: POISON -Do Not Drink' GREG: Are you trying to kill me? WALT: Would you relax, they're lawn chemicals, they kill insects. GREG: They cause cancer. WALT: There's no proof of that, besides, I said I'd pick up a pizza, stop complaining. GREG: Why would I risk my life for a pizza? WALT: I didn't call you a brilliant negotiator. GREG: Did you remember to rent 'Nashville'? WALT: You said 'Nashville'? GREG: Yes, 'Nashville, twenty-fifth anniversary' DVD. WALT: I thought you said 'Copland'. GREG: I've seen 'Copland'. WALT: You've seen 'Nashville'. GREG: They don't sound anything alike. You just did this to piss me off. WALT: No I didn't, I thought you were talking about going to the theater to see 'Nashville' and you wanted to watch 'Copland' tonight. GREG: I would never say I wanted to see 'Copland' WALT: What's wrong with 'Copland'? GREG: It's a cop movie, a land of cops movie even. WALT: I thought it was good. GREG: It's just like the ten million other movies about cops. WALT: There's not that many cop movies. GREG: Oh come on, there's: "Evil Cops" "Heroic Cops", "Odd Couple Cops", "Cops v. The Mob", "Cops v. International terrorists", "Cops v. The Unbearable lightness of Being." WALT: People like crime movies. GREG: It's cinema by numbers. The only thing in doubt is whether the token black partner dies at the beginning or middle of the film. WALT: Can't you just enjoy a movie for what it is? GREG: I can if it's good, but if I look at a log of shit in the toilet, I can't say, 'Floating piece of shit, I love you for what you are'. WALT: Movies can be entertainment, knowing the outcome doesn't make it a 'floating piece of shit.' GREG: It's Hollywood bullshit. WALT: What about 'Heat'? It's about cops, it's still a good movie. GREG: 'Oh no, we better stop the bank robbers, or it's gonna cost the insurance company lots and lots of money.' WALT: That's only your opinion, it's not the gospel. GREG: I'm well aware of the spiritual limitations of my opinion. WALT: Then stop talking down to me. GREG: I'm discussing the issue, we're having a debate. WALT: Wrong! YOU'RE having a debate. GREG: I've put forth at least five lucid arguments as to why it's the most contrived, overdone genre in cinema. WALT: 'Heat' did an excellent job of showing the fine line between the cops and the guys they're tryin' to catch. GREG: It pissed all over that line. WALT: It was ...thought-provoking. GREG: It totally ignored all the senseless carnage to focus entirely on how DeNiro and Pacino were the same person. WALT: The violence had meaning. GREG: What? That violence kills people? What a fucking revelation. [EXTRA DIALOGUE FOR THE POSSIBLE PAN OUT] WALT: Are you gonna do any actual work? GREG: No, not with these chemicals. I don't wanna start dressing like you. WALT: I can't believe how lazy you are. GREG: You're lucky I even showed. WALT: Why don't I feel lucky? SCENE NINE "DOMESTIC POT" "MY MARIJUANA CONSUMPTION MIGHT BE EXCESSIVE, BUT, WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?" or "LARS VON TRIER AND HIS MOTHER REALLY NEED TO TALK" [GREG, WALT & JOE in WALT'S room] GREG: I told you we were gonna be here in ten minutes, you couldn't wait? WALT: Calm down, I lit it when you came through the door. GREG: Did you manage to rent anything tolerable? WALT: Snuff porn, lots 'n lots of snuff porn. GREG: No bestiality? WALT: I picked up 'Usual Suspects', 'Secrets & Lies', 'Vertigo' GREG: Okay, did you rent anything I haven't seen before? WALT: 'Shower', you'll love it, it's in Chinese. GREG: You rented 'Dancer in the Dark'? WALT: Yeah, I can't believe you make fun of Kevin Smith, that guy looks like he's got Parkinson's disease. GREG: It's fucking hard to shoot a movie hand held. WALT: So is raising three kids on welfare, doesn't mean I wanna pay five dollars to see it. JOE: Can we watch 'Shower' first? GREG: Where am I supposed to sit? WALT: What is this kindergarden? I have to pick out your seat for you? GREG: How am I supposed to see? WALT: You can't see from five feet away? GREG: Look how small your television is. WALT: It's not my fault you're too vain to get glasses. GREG: Glasses make people's vision deteriorate quicker. WALT: That sounds scientific. You know, if you had glasses, we wouldn't have to watch movies from the first aisle of the theater. JOE: Yeah, that is kind of annoying. GREG: And listening to the two of you chewing popcorn through the whole movie isn't? WALT: That's part of the experience. GREG: Is you breathing through your mouth suppose to be part of the experience too? WALT: Are you sitting on the couch or the love seat? GREG: I'm moving it up. WALT: I told you, the legs leave a mark on the carpet. GREG: It's industrial carpet. WALT: It's my industrial carpet. When you get your own place, you can move the couch as close as you want. GREG: Renting a basement apartment in your mother's house is not having your own place. WALT: I pay rent. GREG: You do errands around the house. WALT: And if I don't do them, I have to pay, lotsa people have those kind of agreements with their landlord. JOE: What's this? WALT: It's a bootleg of 'Harold & Maude'. GREG: They're bootlegging 'Harold & Maude'? WALT: A chat friend sent it to me, I liked it. JOE: This is one of my favorite movies. GREG: Imagine that, and you just happen to stumble on to a copy. WALT: Yeah, funny coincidence. JOE: We should watch this sometime. GREG: I'm not watching a romantic comedy. JOE: It's a black comedy. WALT: Yeah, like 'Smoke Signals', Hey, Greg, remember the time, there was over a hundred hungry injuns, GREG: Do you know how ridiculous you sound? WALT: And only fifty pieces of fry bread. GREG: Shut up. WALT: Stop it, enough already, quit it even. GREG: What are you a parrot? WALT: No, Snagglepuss, geez, were you ever a kid? JOE: So who directed 'Shower'? GREG: Like Walt's gonna know that. WALT: Yang Zang. Like Walt's gonna know that. Asshole. SCENE TEN "DOGMA V. PRIEST" "YOU GOT CHRISTIANITY IN MY PEANUT BUTTER!" or "SUFFERING PLUS TIME EQUALS HUMOR" [GREG & WALT walking down the street] GREG: I can't believe we just sat through that whole thing. WALT: Did we just watch the same movie? GREG: I don't know, did you just watch grown men beat the crap out of each other for no particular reason? WALT: I thought it made a very powerful point. He dealt with violence in society, he dealt with credit card companies, he dealt with, the emasculation of the modern man. GREG: The emasculation of the modern man. WALT: Yeah, it's not that easy being a guy anymore, I thought he expressed that really well. GREG: And what did you think about how he addressed the problems women face in society? Oh that's right, he completely ignored that. WALT: Who am I talking to, Joe? GREG: He's a B movie director with A list funding. WALT: David Fincher has made some of the darkest and most disturbing movies of our generation, They're like foreign films except shit actually happens. GREG: Yeah, and every time something happens the camera zooms full speed to make sure you don't miss it. WALT: The camera work was amazing, the camera coming outta the garbage can, that was sweet. GREG: Everything's too rushed with that guy, he gives the story away too fast, he casts Brad Pitt too fast. WALT: Oh, and what did we watch today, 'Lawrence of Arabia'? Who funded that, the sleeping pill industry? GREG: Why would they sponsor something that would make their product redundant? WALT: I don't care, it was still gay. GREG: Do you even know who David Lean is? WALT: No, and I still thought it was gay, besides Arabia's not even a real country. [pause] That shut you up. GREG: Where do I start, your homophobia, your geographical ignorance, your complete and utter lack of taste. WALT: See, I've got you all confused, you can't stop me, you can only hope to contain me. GREG: You're an idiot. WALT: What is your problem? He used to laugh at my jokes all the time. GREG: Yeah, and if a time comes when I forget about us, promise you'll tell me our story. WALT: [laughs] See, that's funny. GREG: The movie starts in thirty minutes, we gotta get goin'. WALT: We just watched a movie. Geez, you've got a problem. [Cut to them walking] GREG: That's a nice little ensemble you've put together today. WALT: Do I pick out your clothes? GREG: Does it look like you pick out my clothes? WALT: [paused] This better not be another 'Priest.' GREG: How can you like 'Dogma' and not 'Priest'? WALT: 'Priest' offended my religious beliefs. GREG: And 'Dogma' didn't? WALT: I'm not Catholic. GREG: The Priest wasn't Jewish. WALT: It was serious, 'Dogma' was a comedy. GREG: Did the homo-eroticism make you uncomfortable? WALT: I was raised Lutheran. GREG: That's like Christianity for Nazi's. WALT: I can't believe you just said that. GREG: It doesn't matter, you're not Lutheran. They go to church every Sunday, it's not Catholicism, you can't just go on Christmas and Easter. WALT: I go when I can. GREG: When? The six A.M. service with the old German ladies? WALT: You don't have to go to church to believe. GREG: The entire Protestant faith is based on getting rid of slackers like you. WALT: All I said was I didn't like 'Priest'. GREG: Because, according to you, it offended your religious beliefs, which I'm arguing, don't exist. WALT: Why does every movie I don't like turn into a deep philosophical debate? 'Dogma' expressed the idea better for me. GREG: What idea? It's a Kevin Smith movie. WALT: How can you not recognize his talent? GREG: He's a marginal director Okay?! 'Chasing Amy' was tolerable, THE REST IS ALL DIALOGUE! WALT: There's more to ... GREG: ALL DIALOGUE! WALT: What are we seeing again? GREG: 'The Contender' WALT: Is it a boxing movie? GREG: It's about politics. WALT: Who's in it? GREG: Joan Allen. WALT: Who's Joan Allen? GREG: Do you sleep during the credits? WALT: The tickets are free right? GREG: Feel free to waste your money on some mindless Hollywood sci-fi adventure. WALT: At least it's not a young French woman coming to terms with her sexuality. SCENE ELEVEN "THE INVESTOR" "HANDICAP JOKES ARE ONLY IN BAD TASTE WHEN THEY'RE NOT FUNNY" or "IT'S EXACTLY LIKE A CRIME MOVIE, ONLY TOTALLY DIFFERENT" [JOE & GREG in the restaurant] JOE: What do you mean you're not going? We go every year. GREG: It's nothing but bourgeois socialites looking for a place to happen, it's Hollywood North. JOE: That's only the galas, besides, it's a chance to get out of Timmins. GREG: I can't stand Toronto, [drops to insincere] "Oh, you're from Timmins, how nice for you, do you like it in Timmins?" Oh yeah, I love freezing my ass off, if I was any happier, I'd have to kill myself. JOE: Nobody talks like that. GREG: "I waiter at a very posh Italian place, but it's not a traditional service industry job" JOE: 'The Goddess of 1967' was your favorite film last year. GREG: Listen, I'm not spending two hours rubbing elbows with the aristocracy [or: I'm not going through all that] just to see the 'North American' premier of something. JOE: Why didn't you tell me this sooner? GREG: I told you at the festival: "I'm never going again!" JOE: Now I have no one to go with. [pauses] What does this guy look like? GREG: I guess he looks a little like Don McKellar. JOE: Ooh, handsome. GREG: You could try and act a little more professional, You're the publicist, remember? JOE: [in mentally 'challenged' voice] I'm the publicist. [GREG stares] [same voice] I make movies. GREG: Are you trying to ruin this for me? JOE: I'm the publicist. GREG: That's him, [waves Kirk down] Kirk, over here. [Kirk walks to table]. Kirk, I'd like you to meet Joe, my publicist, Joe this is Kirk Frederick, he's my potential investor. KIRK: Hi. GREG: So, Stan told me you're interested in making an investment in the film. KIRK: I was considering, at this point I'm still non-committal, I have questions, and certainly I'd like to hear more from you about, about the movie. JOE: Are you a film buff? KIRK: Oh yeah, I've been watching movies forever, people I know, when they have a question about movies, they call me. When I was a kid, my Dad took me see 'Spartacus' at the movie theater, and I was mesmerized. GREG: Really? KIRK: Yeah, but I outgrew that, those desert movies, that was my Dad's thing, I used to sneak back after the matinee and watch crime movies 'The Sting', 'French Connection', and later on stuff like 'Indiana Jones' and 'The Untouchables'. GREG: 'Indiana Jones' isn't really a crime movie is it? JOE: Greg and I both loved 'The Untouchables'. GREG: Yeah, I loved that movie. DePalma just keeps getting better and better. Did you get a chance to read the script? KIRK: Yeah, yeah I did. GREG: What did you think? KIRK: Well, it's a, it's a, story, it's definitely, there's definitely a story there. GREG: But is there a story? JOE: Line, you'd like to talk about, specifically, we finish each other's sentences sometimes. KIRK: Well first of all, I don't want you to get the wrong impression, I mean, I mean, I like the story, the part I read was good. GREG: You didn't read the whole thing? [Enter WALT] What are you doing here? WALT: Hey, uh, are you the people making a movie right here in Timmins? GREG: What do you want? WALT: Your movie is getting a lotta buzz, I mean, everybody's talking about it, I think it's gonna be like, the next 'Blair Witch Project'. GREG: Exactly, only in Spanish. WALT: Yeah, I think it's gonna be really big, if I had the kind of money it took, I would definitely invest some of it in your movie. JOE: Some of it? KIRK: Where did you say you heard about it? WALT: Oh it's, it's everywhere, it's, all over the internet. GREG: Yeah, people wanna know if the janitors are real. I don't mean to sound rude, but we're conducting some important business here, would you mind giving us some time alone. WALT: Do you think you could sign this for me? GREG: [LEAVE OR DIE] There you go. WALT: [looks at the napkin] Thank you so much, good luck with the movie. KIRK: That was kind of interesting, that was like a moment, you know, the recognition, that must have felt good. GREG: I think the timing could have been a little better. JOE: I'm sure he had the best of intentions. GREG: Yeah well maybe I don't give a shit how good his intentions were. What other questions did you have? KIRK: I noticed a lot of it, well all of what I read actually, was in Italian I think. GREG: Spanish. KIRK: Oh that's right they're janitors. But I was thinking, if they live here, wouldn't they know how to speak English? GREG: They wouldn't speak in broken English to each other, they're Spanish. KIRK: Isn't it gonna be a little distracting to have to read that while you're watching the movie? And, I kept thinking, y'know, about the lesbians, why do they play floor hockey? GREG: Why does anyone play floor hockey? I don't know, It's the fastest game on earth, it's not really important. KIRK: The other thing is, y'know, they're all supposed to be really attractive, and well, you know, it's a lesbian floor hockey team, there's bound to be a few ... JOE: A few what? KIRK: You know, like, phys-ed teachers. JOE: You mean any woman who'd play floor hockey must be a butch dyke? GREG: [interrupts JOE] What Joe is trying to say is that there's plenty of very attractive lesbians. KIRK: [awkward silence] Hmm, So the janitors, they never get to, you know, do anything with the women? GREG: They're lesbians. That creates some compatibility issues. KIRK: But do the janitors try anything? GREG: It's not really about that, it's about how the American dream is as remote to the immigrants as the lesbians. KIRK: Wow, okay, that makes sense. [pause] So, uh, who is your, potential audience? GREG: Art house crowds mostly, second run theaters, film festivals. KIRK: Do they usually make a lot of money? GREG: No, not a lot, but they usually turn a small profit, or break even, I guess some lose money. KIRK: Do you think a movie, about say, a bank heist, might make more money? GREG: I suppose. KIRK: Yeah, something with slick tongued criminals weaving their way in and out of brilliantly crafted trouble. GREG: Do you have a script? KIRK: Well I was hoping maybe you could write something. GREG: What about this movie? KIRK: Well, it's a very good story, like I said before, there's definitely a story there, it's just I don't know anything about foreign films. GREG: It's not foreign, it's a Canadian movie, about foreigners. KIRK: Do you think you could, you know, give it a crime angle. GREG: A crime angle, yeah, sure, I'll ring up Tarentino, we'll re-write the script, Lesbian bank robbers on the run from Hispanic janitors, sounds like a hit to me.. JOE: We can look at a few minor adjustments to make it more commercially viable. GREG: How 'bout a pet monkey? People love monkeys. KIRK: What would the monkey do? GREG: He could be the evil guardian of the lesbians. JOE: He's just pulling your leg. KIRK: Maybe I should give you some time to work on it. GREG: Yeah, writing a new script, that should only take, what, six months? No problem. JOE: Probably not that long since it's only re-writes, but maybe we should give you a call, say, next week and let you know how the changes are coming. KIRK: [happy] Okay, that's sounds good. [getting his coat on] I guess I'll see you guys later, it was nice meeting you, good luck with the changes [exit Kirk]. GREG: I'm not changing the fucking script. JOE: Write something else then. GREG: I already have a script. JOE: Well, what's Plan 'B'? GREG: I'm 24, there's no time for Plan B's, Orson Welles was twenty-five when he made 'Citizen Kane'. JOE: Yeah, and then he gained two hundred pounds and never made another good movie for the rest of his life. GREG: 'Touch of Evil' JOE: You don't even like that movie. [Greg sorta pouts] GREG: [weakly] It's not his fault, the studio made him cast Charlton Heston. SCENE TWELVE "THE FIGHT" "JUST BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LIKE YOU" or "WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, A HOLIDAY INN?" [GREG walks into Walt's mother's basement] GREG: What the hell was that this afternoon? WALT: I was just trying to help? GREG: How? By making it look like we're running a con? WALT: He didn't suspect anything. GREG: Now we have to make sure he never sees us together, what the hell were you thinking? WALT: I was trying to help, now I know you obviously don't want it. GREG: I told you I didn't want it before the fucking meeting. WALT: Okay, I hear you. GREG: Are you playing with this shit again? WALT: I'm appraising it. GREG: Someone offer you three magic beans? WALT: No, I wanna buy the store. GREG: There's like a sound investment. WALT: It's a very lucrative market. GREG: Is that what Don told you when he was trying to sell it to you? WALT: No. GREG: Did you look at his books? WALT: He says the store's doing well. GREG: Then why is he selling it? WALT: He's retiring. GREG: He's not even forty. WALT: See, I told you it was a lucrative market. GREG: He's not retiring, he's probably losing his shirt. How can you be so naive? He's taking advantage of you. WALT: I wanna buy the store, okay? GREG: There's better things to invest your money in than video games. WALT: Like? GREG: Why don't you help me finance the film? WALT: I can't believe how selfish you are. GREG: I'm giving you the opportunity to be involved with a movie, how is that selfish? WALT: A minute ago I was some leper you didn't want around, now you want me to give you money? GREG: I don't need your money, my agent has some other things lined up. WALT: Your agent? You mean your uncle Stan? GREG: He's a lawyer. WALT: A real estate lawyer [pause] So what's the matter, your Dad turn you down or something? GREG: I haven't asked my Dad. WALT: Oh wow, so I guess I'm not the absolute end of the line, I should feel honored you'd try to con me before you beg your Dad. GREG: Fuck off Walt, I told you, I can get money from other sources. I was just trying to give you the chance to be a part of this. WALT: How many times did I ask you if you needed help, how many times did you say 'no'? GREG: Listen, forget I asked, I was only trying to get you outta this Peter Pan phase you're in. WALT: No you weren't, you were trying to manipulate me, like you always do. I'm not an idiot, I know you don't wanna make this movie. GREG: It's not my fault if the concept is over your head. WALT: It's not over my head, it's stupid, no one here would like it and you have no connections to get anyone else to see it, it's suicide. GREG: You haven't even read the script. WALT: How am I suppose to, it's in Spanish? GREG: [short pause] You're really enjoying holding this money over my head. WALT: Oh and you don't do that? "Walt, I'll lend you the money to go to the film festival with me, but I get to pick out all the movies and decide where we eat, and where we stay, and when we leave." GREG: Did I ask you to pay me back? WALT: No, you just made me feel like a sponge for having to ask in the first place. GREG: How can you be so ungrateful? When we go to the movies, who pays, we go for lunch, who pays? WALT: Yeah, and you also decide everything we do and when? GREG: Well from now on, you can pay for yourself. WALT: That's fine, it's not your money anyway, it's mommy and daddy's. GREG: So I should apologize for the fact my parents are well off? WALT: No, but you should stop acting like the world's most generous person when you've never had to lift a finger for anything in your whole life. GREG: Listen, I don't need this shit, I'll see you around. WALT: Yeah, go see if somebody else has a place where you can hide from your parents. GREG: Fuck you. WALT: Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. SCENE FOURTEEN "THE THAW" "THE LOST ART OF BRIDGE HOPPING" or "SUICIDE: COWARDLY FOOLISHNESS OR POIGNANT FINALE, YOU MAKE THE CALL!" [GREG standing on a bridge, JOE walks towards him or has just moved beside him] JOE: [Smiling] Thinking about jumping? GREG: From twenty feet? [looks down] I'd have to be trying to drown. JOE: So how you been? GREG: Good, I've been good. JOE: Nothing on your mind? GREG: World hunger, child labor, hell they're making another Star Wars movie as we speak. JOE: Heard you made the big sales pitch on Walt last night, I'd thought you'd come to me first. GREG: You wanna fund my movie? JOE: No. [short pause] So I guess your Dad is next on the hit-list. GREG: No [pe]. JOE: Does this mean you're finally giving up on the script? [GREG Looks at the urn.] GREG: Yeah, I guess it does. JOE: I'm leaving. GREG: Where you going? JOE: Toronto. GREG: Ready to move that second foot out of the closet? JOE: I still think everyone's bisexual. GREG: So you're going to be a bisexual lesbian? JOE: I think that's oversimplifying it a little. GREG: No, oversimplifying would be saying you're giving up bisexuality to get lesbians in the sack. JOE: Yeah, you're right, that would be oversimplifying. GREG: So you're fleeing the arctic homophobia for good are you. JOE: More like the cultural wasteland, the dyke community's just a bonus. GREG: Walt's not take this very well. JOE: Yeah, well, that's a long story. Are you sure you won't ask your Dad for the funding? GREG: I don't want people thinking I achieved something because my parents are wealthy. JOE: Heaven forbid you wouldn't have to worry about where your funding was coming from. GREG: Did Atom Egoyan worry where his funding was gonna come from, did Jim Jarmusch? JOE: Of course they did, that's why they're still making movies. [short pause] Do you have any new ideas? GREG: Comedy. [muffled] JOE: What? GREG: You don't think I can write a comedy? JOE: I have no idea, I'm just surprised you'd try, you hate comedies. GREG: I love the Coen brothers. JOE: You are such a snob, the Coen brothers are the only comedic film makers you like? GREG: I like plenty of comedies, 'High Fidelity', 'Being John Malkovich', 'Dr. Strangelove's a comedy. JOE: Are you finished rationalizing your elitism yet? GREG: There's a difference between good taste and elitism. JOE: Yeah, that's why I called you elitist. So what's it about? GREG: 'Hudsucker Proxy' meets 'The Player'. JOE: That's not ambitious at all. GREG: There's no six minute tracking shot, all I meant was it's a comedy with a brain. JOE: Do you have your potential audience worked out? GREG: It's aimed at the festival crowd. JOE: The same people you won't sit in the theater with. GREG: Since when are you so cynical? JOE: Must be the company I keep [short pause], Come on, let's grab a coffee. [GREG throws the urn over the bridge] JOE: Aren't you only supposed to throw away the ashes? GREG: What the hell am I going to do with an urn? |