Week one
"Walking on Water"
A rabbi, a
priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor
said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit
down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down
on the shore.
Then, the
priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him."
So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore.
The rabbi
thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out
of the boat, but he falls in the water.
The pastor
says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the
rocks were?"
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign
on top of their car
which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and
told them they'd either
have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just
at that time, another car passed
with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you
don't stop them?"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop said
with a smile. "Their sign
pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they
took their sign down and
drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the
area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car
again. Figuring he had
an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when
he noticed the new sign
which now read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS
The other day I went to the local religious book store,
where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put
it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting
experience followed. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection,
just lost in
thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the
light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people
who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.. He
must REALLY love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window
and yelled, "Jesus
Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football
game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!!!" Everyone else started
honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of
those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there
because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw
him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my two friends what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at
each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign.
So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several
cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something.
I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or
"Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida,
too. He must really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught
up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking
toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the
light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because
I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at
them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile
and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks.
A man, summoned by the IRS for an audit, asked his accountant
for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think
you are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question,
but got the opposite advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your
most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him
of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding
night.
'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that
goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she
got conflicting advice.
'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck
right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have
to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you're gonna get screwed."
The other day I went to a strip bar with a couple of
guys. One of the guys gets into his wallet and flashes a $10 bill at one
of the dancers. When she came over to our table, he licked the bill and
stuck it on her ass.
The second guy with us decided he didn't want to be
out done so he took a $50 dollar bill, licked it and stuck it to her other
butt cheek.
Now the pressure was on me. As the dancer made her
way towards me, I reached in my wallet and discovered all I had was a $5
bill.
Not to be outdone, however, I grabbed my ATM card,
swiped it down her ass, grabbed the $60 dollars and went home!
John, Brian, and Amanpreet were sitting on the front
porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly
wives.
"You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid.
She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner!
Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!"The other two just howl with laughter.
Brian the Miniature says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumb ass
wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine!
We ain't got no runnin' water!"That one nearly slayed 'em. Amanpreet wiped
the tears from his eyes and said,
"Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest
of the bunch, boys. 'tother day I was snooping thru her purse to
find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six
or seven rubbers -- hell, she ain't got no dick
A highly anal-retentive woman was shopping in a furniture
store for a new mattress. As she bent over to examine the seventeenth mattress
she had considered, she suddenly cut a horrendous fart.
"Excuse me," she said, embarassed, to the clerk
who was helping her.
"Hey, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When
you see the price on that one, you'll shit!."