"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

35 WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID

       1. Wheel's spinning, but the hamster is dead.
       2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
       3. Hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
       4. A few clowns short of a circus.
       5. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
       6. A few beers short of a six-pack.
       7. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
       8. The cheese slid off his cracker.
       9. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
       10. An IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
       11. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
       12. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
       13. Fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
       14. One taco short of a combo plate.
       15. All foam, no beer.
       16. As smart as bait.
       17. Chimney's clogged.
       18. Elevator doesn't reach the top floor.
       19. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
       20. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
       21. Receiver is off the hook
       22. Skylight leaks a little
       23. Slinky's kinked.
       24. Surfing in Nebraska.
       25. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
       26. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
       27. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
       28. A room temperature IQ.
       29. Bright as Alaska in December.
       30. Gates down, the lights flashing, but the train ain't coming.
       31.  If he were stupider, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
       32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
       33. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
       34. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
       35. If he had half a brain it would be lonely.

    *****************************************
    WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
    *****************************************
    WARNING, the consumption of alcohol has been identified a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
    ****************************************
    WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
    ******************************************
    WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
    ******************************************
    WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
    ******************************************
    WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
    ******************************************
    WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
    ******************************************
    WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
    ******************************************
    WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the  illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
    ******************************************
    WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
    ******************************************
    WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
    ******************************************
    WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
    ******************************************
    WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy