Subject: Fw: [Fwd: FW: Iowa Tourism Bureau Press Release]
This is too funny...but true.
To be issued by the Iowa Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:
    1)  Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Jonesy's. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.
    2)  Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Greeley, Strawberry Point, etc.) or we will have to kick your ass.
    3)  Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called "pop". Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass-kicking.
    4)  We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you.  We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.  Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.
    5)  We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order
to run for the Senate.  If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.
    6)  Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass strawberries and our Five Seasons trees made out of metal. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And in Cedar Rapids don't point at the genitalia on Frank and laugh or we'll kick your ass.
    7)  We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.
    8)  Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner.   Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for
heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.
    9)  Don't try to fake a Iowa accent. We don't have an accent.  Do NOT mention the movie "Field of Dreams" because that will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.
    10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and Minneapolis, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstate 80 is ready when you are. Move your ass on home
before it gets kicked.
    11) Don't complain that Iowa is flat and that all you can see is corn and hogs. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to Milwaukee.
    12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to.  We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people.  Behave yourselves around our sweet, little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into
your ass just like they did ours.
    13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in a corn field? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
    14) Writing it "Ioway City, Home of the Hogeyes" is NOT a joke.
Your ass will be kicked.
    15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how Iowa should "go back to the Indians." This will get your ass shot right after it gets kicked. Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

        Now enjoy your visit and then go home.

        The K-Mart Attitude *

           Kevin, a 19 year old college student, is home for summer break. In        order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part time job at the local K-Mart.

Kevin fills out the standard application and is called into the manager's office. The manager is the typical K-Mart employee - skinny, glasses, pocket protector and K-Mart clothes.

Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at K-Mart. He says, "Kevin, do you think you have what it takes to work at the 'Big K'?"

Kevin laughs to himself, thinking, "what an asshole!" But since it was an interview he responded, "Absolutely."

The Manager continued, "In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've got those qualities?"

Again, Kevin laughs to himself, "Is this guy serious?" but he says again, "Absolutely."

"Well let me show you how it's done,"says the manager. The manager leads Kevin to a counter and waits for a customer.

The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter. The manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there." "Yup," responds the customer.

The manager winks at Kevin and says, "Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you're putting down?"

Kevin actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer's head. "Yeah! That's a great idea." The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.

"Ya see, Kev, that's how it's done. Ya think you can do that?" "Hell, yeah!" says Kevin, "Just watch."

Kevin steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter. Kevin looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer.
"That's a pretty big box of tampons ya got there," says Kevin.

The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yup."

A moment of silence passes and then Kevin blurts out, "Would you be interested in buying a new lawnmower?"

The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, "What the hell would I want a lawnmower for?"

Kevin winks at his manager and says, "Well, since you won't be getting laid this weekend,  I figuredyou might want to mow your lawn!"

  Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?'

  The assistant, politely but ernestly holding himself replies, "Yes we do many models in fact. "

  To this the old woman asked, "Ddddddooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa bbblackk ooone tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd abbouttt tttwoo iinnchesss thththiiickkk?"

  Assistant: "Yes"

  "Ccccccannnnn yyyyouuuu tttellll mmmmmeeee hhhhowwww tttttoooo tttturrrnnnn ttttheeee fuucccckkkkkkingggg ttthingggggg offfffff!!!!"