Arkansas Humor

 An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.  He says to
the driver, "Got any ID?"

 The driver says, "Bout what?"
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 Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State Lottery?

 A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
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 Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas?

 A: Everyone has the same DNA.
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 Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas
burned down?

 A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
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 A new law recently passed in Arkansas: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
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Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?

 A: I-40.
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 Q: What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in
Florida have in common?

 A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
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 An Arkansasian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door,
 telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is
on fire!"  "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Say, don't
 you still have them big red trucks?"
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Q: Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?

 A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
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 Q: What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room?

 A: A full set of teeth.

 Dave had felt guilty all day long.
 No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.  The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.  But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing inner voice trying to reassure him:

 "Dave, don't worry about it.  You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

 But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

 "Dave, You're a veterinarian."

"Dying Man and a Lawyer"

    A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.
    The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
     By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage.  He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount.
    Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.

Jimmy Johnson has put together the perfect Dolphins team for 1999.  The only
things he's missing is a good quarterback to replace the injured Dan Marino.
He has scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools,
but; can't seem to find a ringer quarterback that will ensure a Super Bowl
win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a battle in the West Bank in
Israel. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spots a young
Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm.  First, he throws a hand grenade
straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away - - KA-BOOM!  Next, he
throws another
hand grenade into a group of about 10 gunmen a good 110 yards away

KA- BLOOEY! Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye! Another
grenade right into the barely open window.

"I' ve got to get this guy," Jimmy says to himself.  "He has the perfect
arm!" So he brings the soldier (named Morris) to the states and teaches him
the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records
for completed passes, accuracy, and touchdowns.  The Dolphins go on to handily
win the Super Bowl XXXVI and when Jimmy asks him what he wants, all the young
man wants to do is phone his mother.

Jimmy arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young Quarterback:

"Mom," Morris says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says.  "You deserted us. You're
no longer my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads.  "I just won
the greatest sporting event in the world!  I'm in the middle of thousands of
adoring fans... I'm famous."

"No, let ME tell you," the mother implores.  "At this very moment, there are
gun shots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week
your sister was attacked in broad daylight. . . ."

The old lady pauses, in tears.. . . "I'll never forgive you for moving us to
Miami."

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.  Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over, and intentionally passes gas. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in most states, the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Hell!!"

Only for Southerners, the last statement was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

 The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

 Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

 "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

 Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

 The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 50 years.

Thanks for stopping in hope you enjoyed the laugh.  Email me with your comments.

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