Clean Jokes Week 9
Paul Harvey Writes:
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them
worse.
For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and
homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches, I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty
by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the
car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your
old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in,
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And it's
all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when
he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope
you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother wants to tag along,
I hope you'll let him.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and
that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when
you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you
two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your
Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one
instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract
in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush
on a girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory
soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove
and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.
And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not
your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandpa and go
fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your
neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time
when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard
work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.
Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you.
And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.
Paul Harvey
A trooper stops a car with two kids in it, for speeding. The
trooper walks up to the car and asks the driver for his license, registration
and proof of insurance.
The kid yells out " What for, I didn't do nothing."
The trooper drags the kid out of the car, slaps him around and then
slams him up against the car.
The cop says" I didn't ask for your lip, I just asked for your paperwork.
The kid says "YES SIR" and gets the paperwork together. The cop
gives the kid a ticket for speeding.
Then the cop walks around to the passenger side opens the door and
pulls the passenger out, proceeds to slap him around and slams him up against
the car.
The passenger screams "Why are you doing this to me, I didn't do anything?"
The cop says " I am granting your wish!"
"My wish?" The kid asks.
"Yes" says the cop. " I just know that when I get a mile down the road
you will be saying wish he had done that to me, I'd have shone him a thing
or two.....
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told
her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even
believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us,
we'll show him just how wrong he is
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He said
to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears
me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight and stand about fifteen
feet from her and say something to her.
If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again.
Keep doing this so that we'll get an
idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about fifteen feet from his wife in the kitchen, as she is
chopping some vegetables and said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears
no response.
He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply.
He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves
right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for
dinner?"
"For the fourth time, vegetable stew!" she replied.
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly
prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
PART I
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen.
Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay
for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to:
"Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with
us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it
is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will
be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so
that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish
or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you
as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And
it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased
to be with Adam and Eve, and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said," Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to
be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my
own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and
loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will
be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will
remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always
worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess.
The route they were flying had a
stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the
stewardess the best place for airline
personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route,
he noticed the new stewardess was
missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her
up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her
room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed,
"one is the bathroom, one is the
closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report
that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair,
an athletic build, weighs
185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby,
bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
In the bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a farmer were standing
side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant
finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his
hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before
he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from Harvard
and they taught us to be sanitary."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers,
grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University
of Texas with a Law degree and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The farmer zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated
from the University of Iowa.........
and they taught us not to piss on our hands."
