A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he layed the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table.
As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk.
"$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab report and the cat scan..........."
 

A man decided he needed something new and different for a winter hobby. He went to the bookstore and
bought every book he could find on ice fishing.

For weeks he read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally he decided he
knew enough, and out he went for his first ice fishing trip.

He carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of
equipment had its own special place in his kit.

When he got to the ice, he found a quiet little area, placed his padded stool, and carefully laid out his
tools. Just as he was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There
are no fish under the ice!"

Startled, the man grabbed up all his belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from
his thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under
the ice!"

Amazed, the man wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of his books. He
packed up his gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, he stopped for a few moments to
regain his calm. Then he was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place,
chair positioned just so, everything.

Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Petrified, the man looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
 

A man goes to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton isn't President any longer, please leave.
The man goes away.
The next day he comes back to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton is not the President any longer, please go away.
The man goes away.
The next day he comes back again, and again the same Marine is on duty.The man asks to see President Clinton and the Marine says, "WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING FOR HIM? CLINTON IS NOT PRESIDENT ANYMORE!"
The man smiles happily and says, "I know, I just like hearing it."
 

     Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country.
Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!"
The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
     Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what his old boss had done.  Before the order to shoot was given, Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
     The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." As the firing squad was reassembled and the rifles raised in his
direction he grinned and yelled, "Fire!"
 

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.

"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.

"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."

"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"

"Sure. This is my father!"
 

Out Of Concern
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He said to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight and stand about fifteen feet from her and say something to her.
If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an
idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about fifteen feet from his wife in the kitchen, as she is chopping some vegetables and said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply.
He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and
asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"For the fourth time, vegetable stew!" she replied