Clean Jokes week 8

Twenty-One good ideas:

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

DAILY BLONDE BASHING
 In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
  She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.
 Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
 
 The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning??"


DOCTORS
 Confronted by two doctors and an HMO manager at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked them to identify and explain themselves. The first doctor stepped forward. "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped children overcome deformities!" "You may enter," St. Peter said. The second doctor stepped up. "I was a psychiatrist and helped people find peace!"
 St. Peter ushered him through the gates. The HMO manager stepped forward. "As an HMO manager, I helped people get cost-effective health care!" St. Peter waved him forward, but stopped him right as he got to the gates. "You may stay for three days. After that, you're out of here!"

 HEAD HOG
 One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
 The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"
 The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
  She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"
 To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...."
 To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was covered with bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.
A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"?
 
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.
 
"Well, I'll be damned."
 
The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized.
 "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
 
"I don't have arthritis ... I just read in the paper that the Pope does!"

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

 What am I?
I'M ABOUT 8 INCHES LONG.

MY FUNCTIONING IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.

I'M USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION.

I BOAST A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER.

IN USE, I'M INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES
QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING.
 
THERE I'M THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION,
OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING
SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.

WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, I LEAVE BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE,
SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND
SOME FROM MY LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.

AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED
EMANATING, I RETURN TO MY FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER
BIT OF ACTION.

HOPEFULLY, I WILL REACH MY BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN
IT IS MUCH LESS.

WHO AM I ????
Scroll down
 
 
 

AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY
GUESSED,
THE
ANSWER
TO
THE
RIDDLE
IS
NONE OTHER
THAN YOUR VERY
OWN....
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

TOOTHBRUSH


 
 

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