Clean Jokes Week 6
Why God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because
he wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV
remote.
(Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see
what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy
a new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would
never be able to handle labour pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything
else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the No. 1 reason of all [Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.] God
stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that.
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty
litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why didn't Noah step on the two cockroaches?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what
does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights
on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment,
but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Thanks Talley
LIFE'S A TEST - AND YOU'RE GRADED ON A
CURVE
Submitted by Rose
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.
WEATHER VANITY
Submitted by Chubba Rocks
The Native Americans asked their Chief in autumn, if
the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the
chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members
of
the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the
National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold
indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood
to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again,
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every
scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather
Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be
very
cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Native Americans are collecting wood
like crazy!"
MOMMY'S LITTLE ANGEL
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,"Well, I'll just run in and out, and in
and
out, and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
A STORMY RELATIONSHIP
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't " she said. "I
have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
LOSING FACE
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground. Ms.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday
School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made
ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned."
