Clean Jokes week 4
HANGING BASKETS
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through
blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling
her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is
sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and
that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your
rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Happy Gardening
Thanks Missi
One morning, a blonde woman gets to work in a fantastic mood. The first
person she sees is her boss.
"Hey boss, T.G.I.F !!!"
Her boss growls back, "S.H.I.T !!!!!!!"
She is rather taken back by his response and decides it would be better
to leave him alone.
Later that day, she runs into her best friend and says "T.G.I.F"
Her friend looks at her and says, "Ya Right, S.H.I.T."
Now she is totally confused and decides to just drop it and finish
out the day.
That night when she gets home, she says to her husband, "Hey hon, T.G.I.F................."
He replies, "Right, S.H.I.T."
Now she's pissed !!
"3 times today, I greeted people with TGIF and 3 times I heard S.H.I.T.
What does that mean?"
Her hubby replies, "You said TGIF meaning Thank God It's Friday, right?"
"Yes"
"We replied with SHIT meaning 'Sorry Hon........It's Thursday"
Thanks Greg
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then
takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding
man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm
sending out 1,000 I Love You cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Thanks Missi
A Bad Day
There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays
like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps
next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I
was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing
a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall
asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires
me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when
I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab
driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife
in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I
was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my
poison..."
Thanks Missi
One day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out, "My son's
choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please,
anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite
experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with
almost no look of concern, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads
and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then
went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you so much!" the mother cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."
Thanks Talley
Five surgeons are discussing
who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants
on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
