Clean jokes week 15

Clean Jokes Week 15 Hi Guys,
This is a bit of a weird request, but I have got some friends from overseas that I met when I was travelling who are camping their way around NZ.

They have asked us if we know where they might be able to go without spending large amounts of money. We said we would try our friends and family for accommodation.

They travel light and bring all their own camping gear, and only require a small place to set up, they also like children .

I have given them your names and address - so see what you can do...

Just in case you don't recognise them when they turn up, I have enclosed a pic to help identification.

Let me know if this is too much of a pain, really really appreciate it.

Cheers people

Texas Hunter's Logic
A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing,
his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Subject: FW: The Mother of all Computer Viruses!!!!! READ IMMEDIATELY!
Oh this made me laugh!!!!!!! Too funn!!!!

The Mother of All Computer Viruses!
     If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
    If you drive a Chevy, it will start missing like a Ford. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. For god's sake, are you listening?
     It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
     If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!

If you don't send this to 5,000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Author unknown
(In case you are a Palm Beach Democrat, this is a joke.)

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball player. The Lakers need me, so I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, and I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President."
She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, George W Bush, said, "I'm President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. Above all I'm the cleverest President in the America history, American people won't let me die". So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, and as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.

The boy said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The Americans' cleverest President has taken my
school backpack."

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or students....here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve.. . we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants). A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked?

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed!

But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two Aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

CHILDREN: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Friends, I have a condition often found in folks of our age. The scientific world is frantically searching for a cure. This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed. However, now you may be able to discuss it with your
loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't.
It's called the "Butfirst Syndrome."

It's like when I decide to do the laundry - I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. Okay, I'm going to do the laundry - Butfirst I'm going to read the newspaper.

After that, I notice the mail on the table. Okay, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack, Butfirst I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Now where's the checkbook?
OOPS! There's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table.

I'm going to look for that checkbook, Butfirst I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away,
Butfirst I need to water those plants.

Head for door and Ack! I stepped on the dog. The dog needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put that remote away and
water the plants. Butfirst I need to feed the dog.

At the end of day: Laundry is not done, Newspapers are still on the floor, Glass is still in the sink,
Bills are unpaid, Checkbook is still missing, The dog ate the remote control. AND, when I try to
figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm baffled, because I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious.... and I should get help, Butfirst I think I'll read all my email.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM ONTARIO WHEN:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to Barrie for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as deer meat, fish, and berries.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Canadian Tire store at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You think lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter,winter,still winter,construction
17. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
18. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Ontario

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws